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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nivitha, Mar 6, 2009.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Hi Nivitha,
    I did respond to your other query on this thread - http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/51027-sharing-email-phone-bank-accounts.html . After reading this thread, I feel your issues are much more deep rooted than the simple sharing of details.
    First of all, looks like you have tried really hard to make it work and are frustrated because you see no improvement in your situation. Secondly, are you still in this for the right reasons? I did read all your responses and feel that you feel you have given him three years and cannot forget the years. But Nivitha, life is more than the three years. Are you willing to forego everything you feel is lacking in your marriage for the rest of your life? Think about it, three years made you this frustrated, where will you be ten years from now if things don't change.
    Physical intimacy is an important part in a marriage, are you really willing to forego it?
    Looks like you made an effort to get out of this in a year's time and decided to give it a try after your parents convinced you to go back. Even after staying away from him multiple times, he has not changed. Do you still see a chance of some change sometime. Like Preethi pointed out, how long are you willing to wait in the hope that he will turn around and give you what you want.
    It's ok to feel a connection with him, since you have been married for three years but is that connection strong enough to warranty staying with him forever?
    You have given him enough of chances, don't regret or get confused once you have made up your mind.
    Keep thinking about all these points everytime you want to give this ANOTHER try.
    I agree with VidKarthik and AD, divorce in India is tough, especially if he is not consenting. Although divorce can be granted on the grounds of the marriage not being consumated it is still better you file for it in the US itself. Here it will take a while for you to get it.
    Take care of yourself, don't get sick. You deserve much better.

    EDIT - Nivitha, If I were in your situation, I would have broken and given up long back. You are a brave and patient person, but don't waste any more of your precious time by staying undecided. Go ahead with your decision and don't look back.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2009
  2. nutty_witty

    nutty_witty Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Nivitha...

    Just be strong in ur decision... you cannot waste ur time for a guy who cannot take single step to make the marriage success... 3 yrs is not short time, missing you when u r not around doesn't mean that he LOVES u and saying I LOVE U also doen't mean...my cousin also went through all these things (which all u explained ) and finally its ended up in divorce. Now she hasn't think for the second life.. but she feels relax from what all she suffered..

    If u feel too hard to live with him till ur project ends, just check with ur friends and stay there... dont spoil ur health and dont allow him to wash ur mind with his beautiful words.. ALl the best.
     
  3. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Nivitha,

    Just take care of your health first and complete the project successfully.

    Be strong and if your hubby comes to talk anything just say i wnat action not plain words and if you can prove yourself in the next 2 weeks i'll consider.

    As suggested, if you have some friend then shift with her for a few days.
     
  4. romeo

    romeo New IL'ite

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    Dear Navitha,

    I have gone through all the replies from many independent ladies. Most of them are trying to spoil your life by telling you to quit from the relationship. What I understood from your posting is your husband loves you so much and you too love your husband a lot. And as a man, I can understand how a man feel if he fails in such a delicate issue. He can definitely over come this problem with your support. You are an educated lady and you know what to do. Also, don't always think from your end. Think from his side also. Don't take the things negatively from your husband. There is a possibility that he is trying to convey something and you are taking something differently.

    Consult a good doctor and try to support him. All your dreams & desires will definitely come true.

    I wish you all the very best for your future.

    --
    A Brother
     
  5. nivitha

    nivitha New IL'ite

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    Hey Romeo Brother,
    Thanks a lot. I appreciate your thoughts and support that you gave and think as a man. I truly understand and accept the feelings of a man when he fails in such an issue. Being a wife, a lovable commited person, I did understand his position/failure and I have been giving my support truly in every aspect for him to succeed in that. As a woman, only I know, how many times, I would have trusted him, believed him, cared him, nutured him, and just bos I love him, and wanted him to bring out of his failure, I have given myself so many times, inspite of my own emotions, just for him to try on it. Def, only people like me, know the feelings of giving, when we strongly know we are not going to get any pleasure finally.Might be 1 out of 10 attempts can go successful.Just imagine the remaining 9 attempts and hurt which is creating, the neagtive effects with respect to my health.This is happening for 3 years now.

    More than all this, the only thing which I hate him is the way he communicates and cheat me. I really couldnt stand the point where I feel, he hasnt believed me, he hasnt trusted me in anything.

    I did throw off my parents my sisters everyone, just for him and came to US for the third time, just believing him. You know what , ours is 100% arranged marriage looked by my parents. Now its like, as if i loved him and ran off with him. You tell me, what else can a man expect from a woman. What else does he need, to trust a woman.I have showed and proved that he is my world. But you know, when he behaves silly and cheap, I really couldnt stand there.

    Please understand, I m not a woman who is just at the back of physical bonding alone.
    I expect emotional bonding and support, dedication, commitment from him. Is that wrong. My expectation, of being a part of him in all his activities is wrong what you mean??

    I agree to Your point of saying, "There is a possibility that he is trying to convey something and you are taking something differently" and might be true.
    But I dont think one person can always say/do things which can be taken in a different way right.

    For instance, We filed the tax jointly this year and since, I have initiated the filing, the agent has taken me as tax payer and have included him as spouse. Obviously, the agent has included my account details for refund just bos I m the tax payee, irrespective of we both furnishing our details, informations and account details as well. Knowing his charcater that he doesnt like to share his finance with me other than the normal household spending, I did update the agency to change to his account number. But even after that, for some reason, they did'nt do it, and finally when it came for acceptance to us, immediately after seeing my account number, he rosed with full tension and questioned me, as why they have given ur account number, thats a mistake, you said you have updated the agency people to direct to my account. Still I see its urs.
    I asked him whats the problem in being my account, he said, I have planned for that amount, and I have to give it to my parents and for tickets to go to India. Finally he said, whenever I ask, you have to give me back, in a way of demanding u know and as if I a third person who cheated on his money.

    Thats it, my anger went to the peak.
    I m not sure, with what intention he said that. But I will explain what went into my mind.

    I felt as if, he didnt even see me as his better half. He didnt feel that secured for the cash to be with me. I felt, have I ever acted so cheap to him in all these three years where in any situation, have I showed that I m behind his money. I have never asked him money for any purpose. I take care of myself. He offers me only food and clothing. I m working and I m earning as well. I dont require even that, but I feel happy to be under him. Thats a lovable feeling you know. For the same, if he started to feel insecure, that I m going to grab his money, then I dont feel he is worth it. Till this point in time, I have'nt asked to add my name in his LIC insurance, in his bank accounts, in any of the land document which he has. All I have is his add on credit card, which u know has its own limit.
    I have just given myself to him and been with him with all the difficulties without any pleasure in this life, Just with a hope, that things will go well.
    Tell me, in what character of mine, has he felt that I m just being with him 4 his money, and what made him to say whenever I ask, you have to give me back..
    Common man, do you expect this to happen, if a man loves his wife truly to 100%. Does this show that he is behind money nor does he loves me so much that he is demanding. Tell me, in which sense are u expecting me to take it.

    Let him be behind money. I also understand, might be he is feeling insecure just bos we have talks about divorce. But I have lived with him for three years, never ever I have shown money is important for me.. Atleast he should have respected my character at that point believeing even if I divorce, I will not grab away his things.
    When I went last time to India, I handed over every single thing he got me from dress to laptop, cell phone etc. I got tickets of my own. If I had interest towards his money, I could have taken anything.

    You know what all can be done incase if my interest is money. i dont have to say that.Not this 4k I can even claim more in court, by filing a case.

    It hurted me a lot in a way he behaved for that 4k dollars. I felt no where I m important 2 him, no where is he expecting my support. If he really expects my love and care, where comes all this talks.
    Tell me..Only after this incident I firmy decided to go for divorce. Till then I had only talks about it, and an insecure feeling if things would go well.

    It really pains. I took him to doctor, supported him with whatever doctor said, right at the moment, and finally is this what I hear from him. I will give him back all that I have, can he give me back my lost life, my lost dreams as a newly wed lady, a baby for me.

    Atleast if he has said, fine lets invest it together somewhere else, I should have acceped it.

    But he said he planned for that 4k money. He hasnt planned for an outing for one weekend, he hasnt planned and got tickets for a movie as a surprise, he hasnt planned for the remaining amount he has in his bank, but he has planned for this 4k refund amount it seems. Tell me, as a man is this how u expect everyone to behave to their wife. How Should I take this ..and you feel I should take in this good sense in the way he meant as yes he planned for it and so he asked..

    yes brother u tell me, if you are saying everyone else is guiding me wrongly.

    everyone are giving their views and support. I have never felt any one is mis guiding me here.

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2009
  6. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Nivitha,
    I can experience the anger and frustration from your latest post. My sincere wishes are with you. I just have couple of things to mention here -

    1. Belive in yourself and do not think about how people judge you.

    Remember, its your life, you know what's best for you and you know what you want in life. People - I feel - are there "ONLY" to bring out the "other" side. Always. People will say what you want to hear in front of you and exactly opposite the moment you turn your back to them. If you want them to speak what you feel is right for you - be an influential political leader :) (last line is more on a lighter note).

    2. I feel you got into this marriage with so much of commitment. But all you got was deception. Its very sad to know. You are / were an optimist and finding it hard to quit trying.
    While you have these 3 weeks time to kill, see if you can connect with any of his friends. Make an effort to find out about their contact and just go talk to them. If you get to talk with DH's "good" friend - all the more better.
    See, if he can help you taking your DH to a doctor. I am not sure if his depression has cured.
    I do not want to give you undue hope. But I think after trying so much for 3 years, and considering how you (probably) are - it might be important for you to "at least" find out the reason for DH's behaviour.
    I think he hasn't got out of depression and probably there is very little you can do to help him with it now.

    So just to make peace with the situation, see if you & DH can have a session with a pshychiatrist (I am bit challenged with such complicated spellings.. ).

    I feel like you want someone to just sit in front of you, hold you straight and make you look up in the eye. Just imagine your best friend doing this to you. Take deep breaths. Relax. You need energy to handle the situation.

    Please take care.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2009
  7. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Romeo (Brother),
    I am glad you are here to bring out the "man's" side of this issue. You have read Nivitha's posts - especially her tries and the latest one.

    She has already explained the efforts made by her to understand her DH's side and inspite of this topic being a taboo in our culture, she tried to seek help of family. That shows how sincerely she wants her marriage to work - and that too with this DH.

    What I would like to know is - what do you think Nivitha should do to make her DH react to her efforts? Are there any concrete steps that you can suggest - apart from the ones she has already attempted?
     
  8. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Nivitha..Hows your health now? Thats more important for now. Is your fever reduced? You take care girl....Things like this shall pass.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2009
  9. priyauc

    priyauc Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Nivitha,
    im sure it is difficult for u to be going thru all this all by yourself, but at least the positive thing here is that he has gone to the doctor with u. which means he too wants to be treated and get back to normalcy. dont lose hope.pray to god and be practical in your thinking but be soft with him. and please dont even think of having a child now... sort out your own life first , enjoy your time with him, see how life goes and then plan a child. all the best.
     
  10. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Nivitha,
    How are you now?
    Hope your health has improved now.
     

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