Suggestions pls

roopadadia · Mar 10, 2009

Nivitha,

For a change, instead of explaining things and you saying what you want of him...can you try roles reversal. Ask him what exactly marriage means to him.
- what does a wife means to him
- and what are his expectations from his life partner.

Since you have tried so much and still giving a try to improve things between the two of you ...just try this too.

nivitha · Mar 10, 2009

Hey Roopa,
Thanks for the suggestion. Infact, I have questioned couple of times what he wants as well. He said, he needs respect as a husband, as a DIL, I should respect his parents. I should be open enough and transparent in whatever I say and do. Then I would again ask, I have proved myself, with whatever you said in the first 2 years of marriage, might not be now, but the same, have you ever been so consistently atleast for a month.
He would respond saying, I want to be and I m trying to be.

But one or the other things might get repeated from him.

These days, I couldnt respect him at all, neither his parents. I lost the love, respect and care which I showed and had for him. I started to behave like him, to lie, to make calls from office to friends and parents, even I dont share anything about my bank accounts or finance.

I dont understand or really interested anymore in this married life. It sounds like a stupidity for me.

Even yesterday when so happened that for some purpose he wanted to use my iphone, I said, you can take mine for tomorrow, and I will use ur mobile. He didnt accept it and said no no. lets use our own mobile.
Btw a husband and wife, whats wrong in exchange..Privacy and own space is required for every individual but for which the entrie life btw two can't go in separate tracks. After all we can live separately and independantly. We dont have to be in just one house meaning husband and wife for society sake.

I really expect a husband who can share anything and everything with me , I want one who can guide me in all my tough situations.if I have such a DH, I m sure that my love and respect for him would have grown beyond the limits day by day, and with him, my love went on decreasing and now, I hate him to the core.

Drpreethis · Mar 11, 2009

Nivitha ,

You are confused really .. What happened to all the positive points you listed ?? As said earlier you will have to set your priorities ..

First of all ask yourself wether you have any patience to live with him.
If yes, then for how long ??
What are your plans and what have you decided to do first..

If you do not have the energy and patience to live with him.. then there is no second thought on it but please be firm on any one decision.

Do not keep each of your leg on two different tracks and struggle.

You rather not kill your emotions and life little by little everyday and instead take up a decision more sensibily..

It is either yes or no.. When it is I dont know , then it means trouble. ( atleast in a situation like yours )

You a'int any ball to keep rolling all over this way.. You are supposed to settle somewhere by now before you drain out completely.

Best Luck in whatever decision you make.. But please make sure you stick to one decision and stay there forever...

nivitha · Mar 11, 2009

Right, I m confused a lot in taking a decision. Bos its like, I couldnt go strongly for the option of divorce, as I loved to how much ever I can. I dont think I can love anyone else further in my life, as I did. So I m worried thinking about the future life. Its not days of life, to forget easily but then 3 yrs, where I have scarificed a lot, where I have understood and learnt a lot.

I dont think, I can wait even more patiently as I did for these three years. Bos in these 3 years i have been put into the same problem, atleast if one of it is been changed or proved to have got a solution, I m ready to try for the rest. Ultimately what I have right now, is just a heart which is hurt and with this mind and heart, I m always tend to only shed tears, and to console myself.

umaraj23 · Mar 11, 2009

Pack your bags and leave this guy. He is just not worth it. You gave him 3 years of time and he has never changed.

His parents have not right to talk bad about your family or you, ask them to shut up and continue taking care of their son like a new born baby.

Sorry to sound so rude, but this sort of man doesn't deserve a marriage. Why marry and spoil a girl's life?

He can't even consumate or keep you happy. Don't stay on and ruin your life.

You are so lucky to have wonderful family who are supportive, leave this guy and go back to them. They will surely accept you with open arms.

You have given your level best and even gave a good chance. Don't change yourself for people who don't respect you.

You deserve way better. You have something better written in your destiny. Come out of this and don't waste your time.

Live your life to the fullest. You are worth every dime !!

arthidiva · Mar 11, 2009

Hey Nivitha,

I am not suggesting anything here, other ladies have given good insights and please please take our views as positive thoughts only, we dont mean to discourage your try on this marraige, or misguide you. Youo and only you are the best judge. Here are my 2 cents or even 10 cents - To start with - I dont think your deserve it and I dont think he is worth it! :exactly:

I am surprised that you still want to give it a try. I dont mean to sound negetive, dont mistake me. But this man is not worth your try. The second I read your first post saying he kicked you after arousing you and this is not the only time such a thing happened, mg:I thought it was end of the chapter.. you should have doubted his intentions right from that time, still you saying that he loves you has no meaning. I fail to understand WHY the hell should he act like a weirdo at that point if he loves you so much :spin.

Come on Nivitha, dont you realise!!! Sorry if I sound rude, but as a goody wife you are doing every little thing to make this marraige work, but there seems to be no effort from him other than saying 'I will do it, I am trying..'. Trying for 3 years to make you happy?? You seem to be a easy going wife who can be made happy with a few nice gestures, still he could not do that.. It shows his incapability of being a husband.. he cant say he wants to be given respect as a husband if he cant be one worthy of it.

From all your posts you seem to be a very sensible and capable person who knows family values and how to handle your marraige.. Dont you think you are much worthy than being treated like this.

Please take your decision and stick to it, if you feel you still want to try it, please do some medical checkups and find out the reason behind this weird behaviour and try to cure it, provided he cooperates with you.. In this case, in a year's time he will become normal and your life will be as you expect. But if he doesnt cooperate or keeps procrastinating any checkups or treatment, dont waste your energy and life on it. You deserve a much better life:cheers!

Here are some points to think -

-Other part is your in-laws, as others said, they are still treating him as their baby, if they got you married to him to only do the daily chores and cook, then why not send a servent in your place.. Y U?? :idontgetit:

-Please dont think Men who dominates you in purchases and other chores at home are bad. Those men who behave like sadists in sexual and emotional part of life are WORSE.

-If he lets you do everything at home without questioning you, it doesnt mean he loves you, he should give you the pleasure and satisfaction that any married couple would want.

-Ask yourself, how long you can put up with being ignored in bed?

-There is much much more in life for you that you could conquer.

-If you want to leave him and go back to India, your parents will defenetly be supportive as they will be proud that you did give a final try. They are your parents not your in-laws.

In your post, you mentioned that if you were like him and if you husband was normal, and leaves you for that.. how would you feel? My dear, pls wake up!! Dont be soooo naive.. if you do not indulge physically with your husband when he really wants to be - say for instance, he is a normal person, gets aroused and by that time, you quit and doze off and this repeats for 3 yrs, he would have left you much earlier.. thats the truthbonk

If you give up, it is the best gift you can give yourself.

rosenav · Mar 11, 2009

its never too late...... you still gt time, plz wake up!! he is taking u fr granted.. coz your are proving him time n again that you cant live witout him .. and he knows it and he is playing it very well..... if you dnt dump him now they is no second chance fr you... you gt to live with this tumor fr life long you cnt get rid of it or live with out it.

Go ahead and start a new life!!:thumbsup

nivitha · Mar 11, 2009

Thanks for all your support and views. I have opted for separation within a year of marriage itself, but my parents pushed me first into it and sent me back here with him. Next I tried for one more year, and in the second year I again tried for separation and left him and went to India. I booked tickets by myself and went. When I was there, he again called me and said some loving words and promises. He never accepted for divorce whenever I asked for it and kept on calling me and inviting me back. I felt a soft corner for him right from the start, since he was the one who helped for my dads bypass syurgery. Also he comes back to me, how much ever I reject him. I can return the money even now, but my character is I will be bound to gratitude and humanity more within me. So came back in novemeber to try once again and he also promised, that his project will end in month of march, and we can wind off and go back to Chennai and settle there. I thght it would make some difference in life, if we are in India. So accepted and believed, trusted him.
But he again cheated me in all the promises, and as you all say he took me for granted.. Now its March, till he hasnt made any steps to wind off 4rm here. he hasnt taken even a single step to sell the things to move out from here. I have blocked the tickets for April. Its been 3 weeks now, since I m hardly pushing about divorce and told him not to come and frustate me by again and again convincing me.

I have taken this job, so I feel its my rsponsibility to finish the project which I have taken till March 31st. Hence forth I couldnt leave immediately. I m stuck here and I can only leave by April 1st week after my office assignment is succesffuly done. Now daily he is convincing me, and keep on saying i love u, i m sure of it, only i know that, I want a life with u, and all words.
I m not giving a damn importance for the same..

Sometime I would feel positive and feel sorry for him, but the next day itself, he will make me feel, that I m cheated once again. Thats how, I would feel confused for some of you here, when I spoke about both positive and negatives.

I have decided so strongly this time. Once If I go back, never am I going to come back or turn back to him. I hope all your blessings and thoughts will give me a good life. The first thing which I m planning to do, is to consult a lawyer and file it.

Btw, I m only worried about pushing three weeks from now. I m becoming sick as well. My temperature is really high for the past two days, and I m taking tylenol but it is not reducing. Have severe head aches. All these are bos, he comes back to me and just speaks about the same stuff again again and my mind is loaded heavily and bursting with tears, which is increasing the headache. My nerves are shivering to the core, and I feel like shouting to the core when he comes near me. I only need some power to push these three weeks.

Thanks once again for all your support.

vidhkarthik · Mar 12, 2009

Nivitha..Please take care of yourself. Do not spoil your health for an undeserving guy.

Just a few points. - Applying for a divorce from India would take time and what is the guarantee that he will accept for it? Why don't you apply for a divorce here in USA, In the state you live. You will get it in 6 months and you can move on easily. Tell him that if he refused the divorce..you can prove that the marriage has not been consummated for 3 yrs and divorce will be granted without his consent. (This is true)

I really wish you could talk to someone here. If you would like more information about this, let me know. I would give you details. Be brave and trust me...this shall pass.

arthidiva · Mar 12, 2009

Hey Nivitha,

Your life has definetly not got better:spin.. Please dont spoil your health mentally or physically.. If you have any relatives or some close friends with whom you can stay please do so for next three wks. Dont even be around his sight, this will be a torture if you feel like this for 3 more wks. If you have a work from home option then, goto nearby city where any of your wellwisher lives. Dont scare him too much now that he might start some emotional blackmail and that would lead you to give in to his pleasDrowning..

If you are strong about Divorce then what Vidhkarthik says is right :thumbsup.. apply for it in USA. You have fought this battel all by yourself, you are able to handle it without any family member's help, so why not file a case of divorce in US rather than in India.. As you know, things in India dont move fast and for the fact that you are young and need to get on with life.. you cannot wait for years for divorce. your to be X-husband is not going to giving you a mutual consent, he is going to be pleading.. in India it is too difficult in this case, also every family member will get involved and they would never leave you in peace.. you would consantly be emotional terrorised Rant, please remember... In USA, it will be easier and much straight forward. In this case, you dont have to go back to India in 3 wks, File a case, move in seperately and fight the case, getting a better job.

Many of them who have filed a divorce case keeping walking to the court now and then for many years.. a couple I know got divorced after 7 yrs of filing the case.. If there is mutual consent then it might get over in 1 yr. But not otherwise..

Please continue to be brave. you have handle it with care till now.. in your last three wks, just move out of him quitely..