Such things irritate me..is this irritation unnecessary...avoidable..EACH TIME ??

Happy2be · Oct 25, 2011

MIL...hmmphhh...i had put up a thread silly nuisances at home...this is just the same again and each time , almost each time I question myself..why cant I ignore each time..its not that easy mann !! cum'on Dusting the house daily is my chore..I did it this morning too...I heard her dusting doors few moments back..went to her and said I did the dusting in morning..she smiled and continued..After few minutes, I again went n firmly said..MUmma I have done this...smiled and left ..but then politely said..doors were not clean so I thot....!! And know what she hardly ever does the dusting... Change of season causes extreme dryness on my hands, palms and I get cuts at times , so I am using gloves while doing dusting or soapwork.. I keep telling her after 2-3 days, just normally...doctor asked me to avoid all soaps , detergents , dust etc...she'll say very sweetly...if it is not suiting you, dont do it..we shall dust when someone is to come!!..
Kitchen work...when its almost done, she'll come and offer...why didnt you call me, I would have done. I think in my mind - whats there to tell daily in this..I cannot call out daily for small chores..if you are willing, you can take care of these jobs yourself. JFI, I am a very organised person...and she would arrange once a day, at times not that too or just her room and rest of the day, whatever is used is left there....she would hardly mop the kitchen shelf..when she's in mood...or its really messed up after she has worked...or when there's a chance to say..see how dirty the shelf is!!
I work from home, since few months due to some problems at workplace and then I wanted to give time to DD. But I can hardly work for 2 hours or max 3. I have been firm and started telling her at times that I cant get up..I'm working...but, something I kind of knew...chores were left for me to handle when I would get up...Okay. some fine day I have to handle all..I cant expect her to keep helping all life long but till the time she's fine..she can help na!1
Then I feel okay she does...she's lying in front of TV whole day long...DH made a kind of unsaid rule that lunch shall be prepared by her...
I wake up..send DD to school..prepare breakfast...dust the house...clean the kitchen...washrooms..except hers..cos she doesnt like my way of working :-(..then sit to work...Get up at lunch when DD's home...help her in laying lunch and then clean the kitchen..arrange house again...and then rest of the day kitchen is to me...DD is to me as I am at home...DD's holiday is almost taken for granted that I too wouldn't work officially and I have to tell at times that I dont have an off.
I adamantly got an automatic washing machine last year cos I wasn't in a state to wash clothes n didnt want to burden her..she wouldnt agree to keeping a maid for clothes..For weeks I kept hearing that I unnecessary insisted for it...now she keeps telling everyone we have one and its so easy..but now my name never comes Her help is as per mood . DH is very supportive...gets annoyed at all this but I dont expect him to say anything...sily nuisances again....
She'll keep telling me what is to be done how...I get tensed when she is in kitchen while I am cooking ... she'll keep telling me how bad her in laws were ( yes they were BADD) but she will talk very sweetly to her bhabhis as if they are all to her and will backbite about them to me...all bahus and jamais to her family people are insufficient in her eyes..including me, although she never said this directly to me...but DH told me few things to warn me that I shouldn't do beyond my capacity as it won't do any benefit to me
SHe'll keep telling everyone that she takes care of the entire kitchen..she is economically running the house and I have no knowledge of the same whereas truth is that I am a better manager n house keeper, DH and FIL say this but never in front of her..lol... SHopping for groceries and monthly kitchen is in her hands and we know if we tall her that okay yu rest and we shall handle everything, she would feel we are taking away her rights..she is a filmy dialogue mom!! and thats what we all fear from. But this irritates me when she would not appreciate me instead gives impression to everyone that I just assist here and there and she is the one who manages everything.

Machine guy gave demo but she will do her own way...and keep instructing me that he was a boy, what does he know about washing..amount of powder..what powder..what set of clothes etc etc...DH says clothes r just needed to be put into the machine, let her do that her way..dont get tensed that ITS WORK FOR HER..dats no work as such..but at times I feel she'll say..its always me who does the clothes...hmmphhh...Is it that easy to IGNORE every day..each time ??!!

When she talks ill of her house bahus, be it her bhabhis and that her 3 brothers are helpless, which is rubbish...none of us feel that way...if I dont respond, shes like why aren't you talking...if I give my views, I get bad too..if I turn and twist, she'll interpret her own way.. MIL is a polite woman when she speaks of something, else she is sharp at words....will cry in no moments...is not conscious of her health at all but will keep saying you guys dont take care of me..will stop going to docs who tell her that she needs to walk daily..and lack of exercise is her problem...is dominant but DH being the earning member, she is kind of helpless and thankfully DH is very supportive to me !! SInce last few days , almost daily some such things happen that irritate me like anything...I just share with DH and get away with it. She lies too to keep her words true..whatever I say is right..I am experienced and intelligent...she will keep calling relatives and keep advising them for their internal matters and will then tell us all that, which again irritates us both. We are the kinds..dont disclose and dont interfere!

One good thing, she is particular about floor cleaning, mopping, fan cleaning and all and will get it done herself standing on maid's head...At times, I feel if DH wouldn't have been this way, she would have not done anything at home except instructing. She keeps instructing FIL too for almost everything..and will keep telling us how hard it has been for her to manage with a man like him...She is like cost cutting at own front and our lifestyle but do good enough in relations giving to have good name..we feel we shall do whats needed and sufficient and we shall prefer having good lifestyle for ourself and family, for whom we are earning!!...Ghosh....how matters are pouring into my mind and down on paper...
Okay, just to calm myself down...at least I have some help, and that too not in a bad vibe from MIL...many ladies have no help and just stress at home...she has stopped interfering in our lifestyle totally since a few years lately..cos we wouldn't do her way. I have tried to change myself..I cant keep her happy totally whatever I do..DH says so...so I thought let me take a chill pill..I try to do my best and leave the rest howver she feels...ANd when needed vent out to DH and You ALL FRIENDS HERE

Although I know, this thread might have views and negligible replies, I am kind of venting...Tell me ladies- IS IT THAT EASY TO AVOID AND IGNORE ?! How I love my DH for understanding and being humble to accept whats wrong and whats right!!

ptamil2007 · Oct 25, 2011

It is good to vent, but bad to keep thinking of this.

In the long run your MIL is not going to be a part of your life. It is your DH, DD and yourself. so if you tell yourself to whom to give importance to, ignoring her ways would become easier.

And that will help you in thinking less on her and more on your DD.

Such thoughts in the mind lead to hormonal imbalance and we women never know our source of health troubles later in life - it is such small things that lead to big trouble

So choice is yours to lead a healthy and happy life by not letting any person bother you.

monita · Oct 25, 2011

Happy2be,
It's not easy to live with Ils. Almost all women living with Ils go through what you are going through. I feel sorry for you and I feel sorry for all the dils who have to go through this. Yes, these are little things but these little annoyances take so much space in our lives that happiness, love, romance have hardly left with any space to squeeze in. I wish everyone had the right to live their lives the way they want to, manage their homes the way they want to and did not have to deal with these petty annoyances on a day to day basis.

monita · Oct 25, 2011

sorry, double post.

rkgurbani · Oct 25, 2011

Happy2be...

you must be feeling much lighter after penning down your feelings. This is very necessary for us women as we have to manage everything including the household.

It must be tough going through all this every single day....but I guess there are somethings that cannot change, and the best thing to do for such issues is to not let them affect you. The reason is.....the situations will never chnange but they will certainly affect your lifestyle, health and relationship within the family. Its very hard to ignore but try your best dear and let things be as they are if you cant chnage them. Atleast they will not worsen!!!

Tomorrow is Diwali...put all your thoughts aside and celebrate well with the family. Whatever happens, don't think about it too much and forget it and move on...this way ur stress level will be less and atleast you will have a nice day...Happy Diwali

princy123 · Oct 25, 2011

Hi,

I am reading your post and thinking did I write this??? My life is similar to yours. In my case I was living away from in-laws for more than 10 years before they decided to move in with us. I was not very eager about it but DH is only son and MIL was sick, so not much of a choice there. It has been 1.5 years now....and I am ready to pull my hair out.

The biggest problem here in your case and mine, I think is that we work from home. I had to take this route since my commute to work was 2 hours each way because of the distance and traffic. When you are out of the house for most of the time, these things will not bother you too much. It is not easy for in-laws and kids to understand that WFH means you actually have to work and it is not a holiday. I have tried telling many times but they just don't get it. You should try to get back to the routine of going to office every day, if not every once in a while. It will do you good. I try to go every friday...the work load is kind of less for me on Friday's and I do not have to worry about kids homework, next day school etc. This gives me a change and also I have some social interaction...otherwise it is only me and my laptop and useless converations with in-laws or kid talk with kids. We all need some fun adult conversation.

The other thing is good that your husband is supportive, mine is too , but remember your everyday ranting will take its toll on your relationship. You cannot change or avoid the things you go through with your in-laws...try to keep the ranting to your DH to the minimum, one outburst from my DH and I realised my rantings were getting on his nerves. I consider my DH as my best friend and used to tell him everything that was happening at home and irritating me, but realise now that for DH they are parents, it is not easy for him to keep listening about them from me. So I have learnt to ignore things and not tell DH about things happening at home.

Patience and tact will help you get on with your life. Enjoy the festive season with DH and DD and do not let these things ruin your day.

munia101 · Oct 25, 2011

happy2be
I feel for you. It is not easy to avoid or ignore at all. But in the middle of all this is a great thing which is your husband's understanding and support. Think how much much worse you would feel if your husband agreed with and supported his mother (now that's a horrible thought!).
Having said that, try some things to lessen your stress. Start thinking of something funny when your MIL annoys you, that might divert your attention (pretend she has two horns on her head). If she starts to gossip about her bhabis and brothers tell her that you have decided from now on to not ever speak or hear bad things about other people and their lives. You will only like to talk good things about your friends neighbors and relatives. Do that every time she gossips. Tell her your goal is build up good karma in your life. There is no easy solution to her behaviour, but only when you stop letting her behavour hurt or bother you and stop giving it any value will you be emotionally free from her.

justanothergirl · Oct 26, 2011

Happy2be said: ↑

said..MUmma I have done this...smiled and left ..but then politely said..doors were not clean so I thot....!!
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Hmm...its her house too right..u dust it ..she thinks it still dusty ..let her dust..why does it get to u so much?
Dont watch her each move ..let her do what she wants ...

Kitchen work...when its almost done, she'll come and offer...why didnt you call me, I would have done. I think in my mind - whats there to tell daily in this.
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Why dont u want to give her benefit of doubt? have u tried telling her..amma I am going in to wrap up the kitchen..I know u like to help too..do u want to come or are if u are tired its ok...

I work from home, since few months due to some problems at workplace and then I wanted to give time to DD. But I can hardly work for 2 hours or max 3.
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ITs a choice u made..not her. So if there are too many chores and u are earning..why not hire a maid ..why this tussle for small things?

Then I feel okay she does...she's lying in front of TV whole day long...DH made a kind of unsaid rule that lunch shall be prepared by her...
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Hmm..u contradict urself..in ur entire post..ur MIL makes lunch ,dusts when she can ,cleans when she can and yet u say she is lying down the whole day.

washrooms..except hers..cos she doesnt like my way of working :-(
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Why not take in a positive way ..that she is sensitive to the fact that u are already over worked.

.

.DD is to me as I am at home...DD's holiday is almost taken for granted that I too wouldn't work officially and I have to tell at times that I dont have an off.
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Ur DD ..right? If u are working and the grandparents are not able to take care then u need to find alternate child care. Why blame ur inlaws for ur decision to stay home?
Work from home has these disadvantages..please dont tell me u didnt think about it.

DH is very supportive..
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Thats great isnt it..

she'll keep telling me how bad her in laws were ( yes they were BADD)
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Why not use that time to bond with her.
A nod here ,a kind word there ..some ooos and aaaaas..how hard is it really?

SHe'll keep telling everyone that she takes care of the entire kitchen..she is economically running the house and I have no knowledge of the same whereas truth is that I am a better manager n house keeper, DH and FIL say this but never in front of her..
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Lets see..u think u are a better housekeeper than her and ur FIL and DH think adn say too and yet u get annoyed when ur MIL thinks she is a better housekeeper..vanity my dear!

One good thing, she is particular about floor cleaning, mopping, fan cleaning and all and will get it done herself standing on maid's head...
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So u have a maid right and ur MIL takes care of supervising her ..thats one less thing for you to do.Why not count your blessings?
Living with MIL is not easy but neither is living with a DIL. If u want her to appreciate you ...start by appreciating the little things she does for you. Make her ur ally at home.

princy123 · Oct 27, 2011

justanothergirl said: ↑

ITs a choice u made..not her. So if there are too many chores and u are earning..why not hire a maid ..why this tussle for small things?

Why blame ur inlaws for ur decision to stay home?
Work from home has these disadvantages..please dont tell me u didnt think about it.
Click to expand...

Although this was addressed to Happy2be, I would like to say something.

You say keep a maid because you earn enough, I have tried and am still trying to keep a maid, money is not an issue at all, but my MIL manages to drive away each and everyone by constantly sitting on their heads, in the name of supervising them. They will not let me keep a cook saying different reasons and then expect me to cook in the evenings when I get home at 8:00 or later. I make breakfast and pack lunch for me, DH and 2 kids and leave their lunch on the dining table. Can you imagine working whole day and then commuting 2 hours each way in that traffic and pollution, how enthusiastic you will be when you come home and have to again slog it out in the kitchen!!! Easy to sit on the other side of the fence and pass comments very hard when you have to face this each and every day.

Imagine....you come home really exhausted (not because of work load but because of the commute) and you have MIL asking you to take care of the kitchen, you have 2 school going kids trying to grab your attention because they want help with some homework, TV is blaring loudly because they have to watch their daily soaps....the only source of entertainment in their lives, DH is not back from work yet, or else he can at least take care of the kids homework, FIL keeps enquiring when will dinner be ready.....Can you keep your cool???

At this point you decide maybe working from home is a better option.So you start working from home, then people think oh she is at home only nah, why can she not do all these chores..... it takes only 10 minutes to hang up the clothes from the washing machine, it takes only 45 minutes to make dinner.....it takes only 30 mins to feed the kids....it takes only 10 minutes to chop up these veggies etc etc....all these minutes add up and you are not able to complete the tasks assigned to you at work. So you have to tell them no I cannot help at home, I have office work to finish....then they think what is the use of her working from home, if she cannot even help with these simple tasks.....You think I should start going to office again, but then now you are caught between the devil and the deep sea....so you choose the lesser of the two evils and continue to work from home......

Happy2be · Oct 28, 2011

Thanks a ton to all who cared to post on my thread and I agree to all of you including justanothergirl...but as princy said...its not THAT easy!! YEs work from home was my choice bcos I saw for around 3 yrs that DD was getting influenced by in laws conversations..their gossiping.. and she spoke out few things in front of my relatives which were otherwise in laws words that had entered her ears....Many a times..even after reminders, MIL used to miss her medicines...and some such issues..I have not been keeping well since last 2 yrs..had some major health issues and am still under treatment...Didn't want to sit idle leaving all kind of professional work..it would have made my barins dead..and they would have felt...she's avialable all the time and moreover I know I can earn my place and respect..in fact I can earn right to speak if I am just even assisting a bit to DH in finances... MAID - she has never been in favour of maids..she would not like any maids' work...and I cannot keep cleaning up everything ALL THE TIME and why should I think to leave it as it is..this is not what I want my girl to see and get into her habits..even she would be a DIL one day and such factors would affect her stay in the other house too...isn't it?? I stated that I adamantly got an automatic machine...but she was always against it...she has rarely been happy whenever we sped any good amount for ourselves or home...Beatufying home is waste of money..rather spend on social rituals and earn name in relatives !!!
ooosss and aaaass...is what I usually try to do but what when one keeps asking..so what do you feel with tears rolling down each time..AND when I very well know I am counted amongst those bhabhis Yes, its her home too ..thats why I feel she should take care from her side...she doesn't want to at times or doesn't feel active enough cos of age or being too healthy for her age...no issues..at least she can try not to mess up when I have cleaned!!
I never blamed my in laws for my staying at home..they would never ever let me have an alternate child caretaker..... I already get to hear in front of myself that I just do assisting tasks..and one line cannot describe this one line in detail..this is just the jist of the expressions given I don't mind her dusting at all..but why not her room doors and all ...why just the side where I am sitting and working..I can take care of my side myself..isn't it?
hmmphhh... Thanks for everyone supporting me...I know this is the story of almost each house..also my SIL's and MIL keeps telling how interfering and dominating SIL's in laws are....and each time I feel..mumma they are same as here...just some differences in ways of handling...I dont tell her this anyway! Yes, DH is very supportive and I love him so much....I tell him almost everything so as he doesnt take me wrong as MIL would sit and with tears tell her how and when I hurt her time and again when I am away....she cries so very instantly. But yes I try to and shall take more care about the fact stated above by one of my pals that I shouldn't vent much in front of him.
May be justanothergirl would find my statement contradictory to myself again, when I say, I am still very happily married...and thats so bcos as my own parents, my in laws too have their goods and bads...and I have never denied that. MIL never has stopped me from not visiting or spending on my family...she herself gets gifts for them at times...and I keep telling this to the whole world how my in laws respect my family. She would never think of spending upon me...she treats me and SIL as equal in this matter...she doesn't hate me at all...neither do I....we like each other for many good things...but I just needed to vent out that differences exist..and its not my own mum with whom I can go and tell her straightforward all this, right??!!
She feels I have kinda made her son drift away from her and her side of family but the truth is that my side has always been so warm and welcoming..always available and so DH himself has a bend...truly nothing did I do on either side. Now if she keeps bad mouthing about her side..from the start..how would I ever get a feel to be comfortable with those people...those relatives of hers. DH started helping me whenveer I said I need...hes a love... but for starting years he was sweetly taunted for doing so by her, then I was the one who started speaking...backanswering her sweetly by praising her son to be so helpful and all...but I have experienced relatives coming to our place and telling DH...you visit so much your in laws...we know you are a very good and loyal husband etc etc..in THEIR OWN WAY !! Who gives them all these stories and impressions? DH and by chance unknowingly SIL told me that I am counted as a sharp bahu who has control over DH.
I might be praising myself here but since day 1 of marriage, me and DH have done many compromises, I wont call them sacrfice as I dont find the word worth enough..compromises for MIL's happiness and SIL's settlement in her in laws place...she got married within few mths of our marriage...I did all that was possible to keep them happy in all ways but then after many instances, DH raised his foot and said..enough is enough..the more we try, the more we are taken for granted...we are giving them respect and evrything...but we too are humans..and have never had a word of appreciation...instead whenevr some lack is there...that is pointed again n again... I was comapred n number of times with SIL for her being so sweet and obedient DIL and not doing anything without MIL or her permission...and what was the reason behind that - she has never been in a habit of taking up responsibilities....finances..she never knew what and how...she would go into cold days even before marriage if she was upset over something and i would keep trying to do something to bring her back to normal and not be angry...Indirectly we heard at home...Brother was not like this before marriage!!!
SInce last few mths, touchwood, there a big change in SIL behaviour...she wasnt well adjusted with her dh, i FORCED MY dh TO INTERVENE IN A FRIENDLY MANNER just 3 mths back and things have been improving since then...MIL would always keep blaming her DH for everything..she boldly says my kids can never be wrong as I have raised them up..but son listens to DIL and poor DD is so meek
MIL never speaks at my face but I am sure of all this..these are not my assumptions!! I keep getting hr gifts..so does she at occassions... the only issue is that she is quite stubborn..she would never change her ways or herself, come what may, even if her own kids tell her its wrong..she is overconfident of her intelligence and when things dont work out...she'll say it was misfortune!!
I'M REALLY SORRY IF I AM DISRESPECTING ANYONE HERE I AM AWARE OF THE FACT THAT ALL DIL'S HAVE TO FACE SOMETHING OR THE OTHER AND ALL MIL'S TOO FEEL THE SAME THAT THEY ARE NOT BEING ABLE TO RUN THE HOUSE AS PER THEIR TERMS AND THE REASON IS JUST INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES OF BEING BROUGHT UP AND NATURE OF A PERSON. But as ladies here say and I agree we need to vent out ;-) this makes me light too and I can get back to family with much lesser grudges. I and DH never count to in laws what of their behaviours have hurt us but when they speak ill for others for same things, we find that weird ;-) Many must be sailing on my boat and to all MIL's here... I would like t o say that most of us DIL's wish to have a healthy happy relation with you...we hope you too realise that we do not hurt you willingly, at times we get adamant cos of experiences or requirements of present n future. I wish my MIL would some day tell me too - come my dear, you must be tired...what would you like to have..and give me a warm hug which I haven't had all these years and which DH and SIL get almost everyday...be it over the phoneline...
I asked my DD few days back hugging her tight whle playing - My princess....papa gets pampering from grandma (dadi)...you get pampering from mumma and dadi..where would mumma get that from...my mom is far from me..there she came n hugged me tight and said - you have me and papa na...I will hug you daily Blessed I felt !! I am concerned and love my in laws, not as much as my parents though but not too less either...I have loads to vent about my parents too but that I do with my sis or parents themselves and for in laws, I have INDUS LADIES!!