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Stuck In Orthodox Family

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by myths, Apr 16, 2017.

  1. myths

    myths Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Little background about me and sorry for long vent. I lost my dad in early age and was taking care of my mother and younger sister. I am working as IT professional and was in onsite for some time where I saved money for my marriage. I got married before 1.5 yrs and have 1 month child. When they first came to see me, I clearly said to everyone that I will continue my work since I have my marriage debts. They agreed for that, but after marriage, soon I realised they don't want their daughter in law to work, want me to stay in home. In their relatives, no ladies were working, so they had a impression that I am not respecting them since I am going to work, my husband literally believes them and first of all he is egoist person , thinks ladies should obey men and should stay in home. They tried all the ways to make me quit job by making my pregnancy as a reason and their house is long from their house. This also we discussed during bride seeing ceremony, they agreed to keep us separate near my office. But they didn't take any action. They also lied about my husband job, actually he is not having any good job, keep on changing. We planned to go onsite in my visa once baby turns 1 yr, do that at least we can save some money, I convinced him for that. But his father want us to stay with them only, so he arranged one workshop which is not at all related to him and made him to look after the shop. Now, they are black mailing me in directly to not join office. But I am not feeling secure to leave work by believing him. He is having superiority complex and saying he will take care of all my expenses, but he never returned money which he asked me to borrow from my friends. I don't know how to make them understand, I don't want to quit job. I want to live with self respect, but they want me to be a slave. Please suggest me how to make them understand.
     
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  2. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    Work for as long as you want and keep ALL the money for yourself and your future - especially at a time like this where there is already anxiety and uncertainty about your present situation. They will make this very difficult for you but they take away your right to education and right to apply that education and earn money for yourself. Don't waste your time making them understand - they won't. Just keep doing what you are doing, if they are miserable, let them take action whatever it may be. You are not doing anything wrong.
     
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  3. myths

    myths Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply. I also want to work as long as possible since IT jobs are not certain too. I have H1b visa, want to utilise it for some time at least so that I can save for future. I have sister who i need to marry off. In laws are greedy people. They don't want me to work but got my salary every month. Now, they are creating scene indirectly because I didn't gave them this month salary. This one I got for maternity leave, since I am staying in mom's place, I gave it to her. My sister only earns less, it will be tough for them to spend for mine and baby expenses. They are not telling it directly, but brain washing my husband to make me quit job.Now, if I argue and join office, they will say they can't look baby and will not let him in my mom place too. First they created excuse due to my pregnancy, now they started it with my baby.
     
  4. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op, I'm sorry you go thru this
    Unfortunately, I don't think you can change your IL's mind and make them respect your choices. All you can do is keep being strong for yourself and your child, keep working and do what you think is right. You did the right thing when you gave your mom your salary when you stayed with her. Honestly, I saw many examples when a woman would give in and become a homemaker for the sake of the peace in the house, but then the disrespect and even abuse from ILs would increase. So don't give in. If your ILs will refuse to babysit the baby, hire a babysitter and take the money for the babysitter from the money you give to your ILs.
    Hugs to you
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Do whatever you think is right. Don't give in. Don't give up job for any reasons. Your life will be tough without job especially in this kind of family. Financial independence will bring you some self respect and courage.

    You can tell them that you married dh because they agreed on the conditions. You cannot change it now. Their words don't have any value? If they want a house wife, they should have found someone ready for it for their son.
    If they don't like you working why are they taking your money?

    Do you give your full salary to them, don't do that.. Save it for you.

    If taking care of your baby is a problem, hire a nanny. Or go for daycare.

    I feel that there is no point in trying to convince them . Do what you want . Be firm and bold that you are not going to giveup job for any reasons as they agreed on it before marriage.

    If they try to talk about leaving your job, say you don't want to talk about as it is discussed many times before.. be strong.. good luck OP.
     
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  6. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Money or no money, you should work, because you don't know when you will run short of money, when you maybe forced to enter the job market. Tell your husband that in present day atmosphere, it is not good to remain at home especially when you want to work and have the ability to work. It does not matter whether he works or not, you cannot sit and waste your ability to make some income. Make hay when the sun shines. I think his problem is not that you work, his problem seems to be more that you want control over your income and he wants a sense of control over you. He is doing both you and himself a big disservice by asking you to stay at home.
     
  7. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP , this is not just about the family being orthodox, it is about control. they could have told you before marriage itself , that you must stop working after marriage if that was important to them. The truth is if this is the respect you get when you are working, then it will worsen when you stop.
    Keep working. This job is an insurance for you and your child. Keep some money in your account before giving to your inlaws. Tell them you want to save up for their grandchild.
    It is ideal if they take care , with a helper at home. Otherwise spend some money for good day-care/nanny as needed if they are not willing to look after your child.
     
  8. penpaal

    penpaal Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op I respect your choice of sticking to job. Stop giving your salary to your in laws . Save it in your name. Your in laws wont listen to you at all . Once you quit the job they will make you suffer . Then later they will ask you to try for job again . It's not as easy to get a job. Right now you have one don't loose it.

    Your husband either should stand up for you and support you . Else smart enough to earn and take care of you and baby . First place itself he should not have asked your salary to spend for his parents !!

    Hire a nany and look for day care . If possible ask your mom and sis to shift to a house near to your office . ( If your mom is not working and ready to take care of your baby , then you can spend that money to your home rather than a nany )

    You told you didn't give this month salary to in laws . Good that atleast you have started it now ..Save it for you and baby . In case if your husband is asking you to leave the job. Share him your genuine concern . Ask him how much bank balance he has and how is he planning to save for baby ??

    Is he got any sibling ? Or is it single kid ?
     
  9. myths

    myths Senior IL'ite

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    He has one younger brother who is single and one married sister. They both are cunning and turning him against me saying i will not respect him if I work. Now my husband also started saying I should quit. I am struggling to make him understand. But he is not having listening habit. Also, they are making small things as big and showing me as over spoken person in front of my husband, so that he will not listen to me for any thing. For example, father in law came home to see baby. At that time, I was alone in home, home was little messy, since we didn't folded clothes at that time. He asked me actually shouted , why you keep house like this. I told him, I was bottle feeding baby until now, have to fold it after that only. On the next day, early morning(just to make all sleeping people woke up and get irritate) he shouted in their home saying I insulted him by talking against him. Everyone joined and started talking bad about me more it seems and told husband that I will keep quiet if I will not work. Actually that is my mom's place, they don't have any rights to talk about its cleanliness. But they are using all incidents and turning against me.Don't know what to do.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Do you have any maternity leave? If so why dont you take it for now and see how it is going. Why are you giving your money to them.

    It is just a power game. Be strong and stick on to what you are doing now. Don't respond to their tantrums. Let them say what they want. You do what you want. I know it is not easy.. But giving up the job is not good option when they are ready waiting there to control you. The more you talk the more they will be irritated. Just neglect it.. In the mean time think well on how you can manage it. It look like they all dont like you enjoying job and financial independence. May be it is Jealousy. It is sad when people change their word after marriage.
     

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