Struggling To Be A Good Mom..

Hi Anika,
So much love and hugs to you.

Remember, this is part and parcel of being a parent. It’s just a bad moment, not a bad life. It’s not the end of the world.
There will always be a way to calm her down — maybe some good food, a nice walk together, or a new top, skirt, or a cute pair of earrings (something to make her feel good). It’s your special way of patching up with her. Find that little way to reconnect.

The same goes for you too. You deserve a break — a way to calm yourself down. Realise your worth. Remember, you are valued and important.
It could be a warm bath, a good book, your favourite stress-buster TV show (mine is Friends ), your favourite food (on cheat days only ), your guru’s uplifting talk, or a positive playlist. Book yourself a massage or facial — treat yourself. Keep these little joys ready and gently remind yourself to stay positive. And teach these simple self-soothing methods to your little one too.

Trust me, every parent goes through these hassles. It’s not just you. But each of us eventually finds our own way to handle it.

Start of this year, I noticed that we were constantly rushing — from one class to another, practice sessions, exams, office work — always busy with something. It became too much. So, we decided to set aside 30 minutes every day as “family time.”

First 10 minutes: some funny game (yes, even the silliest ones, as long as our little one enjoys it).

Next 15 minutes: listening to her — looking into her eyes, hearing her school stories. No phones, no interruptions, just full attention.

Last 5 minutes: meditation (gratitude, trataka, or something different each day).


We don’t manage to make it every single day, but we make sure not to miss it two days in a row. Now, we all look forward to those 30 minutes — that meaningful connection. . May be you can start wit 10 minutes.

Another option is to take a break and go to a meditation retreat. I try to go once a year, and it really helps to rejuvenate myself.

And finally, start writing a gratitude journal every day. It will make you realise how many blessings you already have to count. ✨

 

how old is your daughter or grade.

and what does this mean.

and also she guilt trips me for not goign to some of her school things and yes I deserve it

what activity school needs parents daily.

 

Anika,
Believe me, every parent goes through it one way or the other. And you are not failing, you are trying and trying your best. When she lashes out and use unkind words, you are right to walk away from the situation. Before walking away you can look into her eyes and say “ I understand you are tired. But being disrespectful is not going to help you in any way. You are most important to me than anything. Whatever problems you have you can talk to me. I am on your side always.”

She maybe facing friends problems or stuff like that at school. It’s just a myth that all gentle and kind kids will always behave gentle and kind even in the privacy of their homes. She is using you as a punching bag now. Remind her that there are better ways to calm and de-stress herself if she had a hard day . Allow her to do what she likes the most. Phone call with a best friend, eat her favorite snack, or a favorite video game whatever she fancy. Let her know that mom is tired too and trying to keep it going. You are the best mom for your child Anika and your child is gentle and kind too as she were before. And this is just a phase that will pass soon.

 

Dear @anika987
I empathise with you for the feeling that wish to be a good mother in the eyes of your beloved daughter. I don't presume that she has scolded you ever as "not a good mother". Let us be free from rushing to conclusions and brood over ways and means to overcome the present temporary predicament.

This situation involves a complex dynamic between your daughter and you. Let me break it down using my knowledge of Transactional Analysis (TA) - studied six decades ago!

Transactional Analysis

Parent-Child Dynamics:
Anika may be slipping into a Child ego state when her daughter uses bad language, triggering a Parent ego state response from her own mother. This leads to a reactive, rather than responsive, interaction.
Crossed Transactions - your reaction to your daughter's language might be a crossed transaction, where you respond to her own emotional pain or frustration rather than addressing her behavior.

Ways to Transform the above Dynamics -
Self-Reflection - you recognize her triggers and work on managing her reactions. This might involve taking a pause before responding to your daughter's behaviour.
Positive Reinforcement - When the daughter uses good language or behaves well, you should acknowledge and praise her. This encourages positive behaviour.
Modeling Behaviour- you should model the behaviour that she wants your daughter to exhibit.
Children invariably learn mostly and quickly from what they see, so it's essential to demonstrate kindness, respect, and self-control.

Emotional Validation- you validate her feelings, even when she misbehaves. This helps the daughter feel heard and understood, reducing the likelihood of escalation.

Setting Clear Boundaries - Establish clear expectations for language and behaviour, and consistently enforce consequences for bad behaviour.

Strategies
Supportive Role - Offer emotional support and guidance to her, help her develop strategies to manage her behavior.
Non-Judgmental -
Refrain from criticizing and instead focus on offering constructive advice or suggestions.
Quality Time - Spend quality time with the her, building a strong bond and creating positive memories.

By working together and adopting these strategies, you can certainly develop a more supportive and loving relationship with your young daughter.

 

Welcome to the world of teenagers @anika987 .

Its a passing phase where your daughter rebels and blames you for everything. If something happens with her friends, teachers or at school, she will act up with you because you are her safe space and sounding board. When you realize that, your perspective of looking at this will change.

First, you are a human and cannot do everything. Accept that reality.

Second, we have all also been little rebels when we were at her age and lashed out at our moms for silly reasons. When we look back, we wonder how much patience our moms had to have to handle our teenage outbursts. So what your daughter is doing is very normal.

Third, a perimenopausal mom and a teenage daughter is a deadly combination. Both have hormones all over the place, are very sensitive and therefore cannot get along well at this stage.

Shes a good kid. Its just an age and phase and will pass. Till then give her her space and dont take things personally.

Take care.

 

Does she share with your husband and connect better with him? I see this a common pattern in pre teens and teenagers where they shut out one parent but are open to the other.

What you are doing is great. Just be there for her. Thats enough.

 

Dont worry. You are not alone. Just wait it out. She will appreciate mom when the time is right. Hugs to you dear. I totally empathize with how you are feeling