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Struggling Friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hana2018, Sep 25, 2018.

  1. Hana2018

    Hana2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry for the lengthy post. This is for one of my close friends. Her's is inter cast love marriage and they live with inlaws. Before marriage we all friends advised her to think twice because it intercast you need to make a lot of compromises and adjustments because we didn’t want our friend to suffer as already she struggled in her life so much, She lost her mother when she was 17 after that it was real hell her dad dies in a car accident a year later.

    Even she knew and she was ready for all the situations in future because she was in deep love with that guy for almost 5 years. Just after few months of marriage, her husband got a job in another city. So my friend was staying with inlaws and husband used to visit them on weekends. It went on for almost 4 months and finally, they moved to the same city where husband used to work and purchased house. Her MIL used to act in front of others as well as her son like she is so nice person, she treats her DIL like but princess but in reality it was not like that. My friend was not allowed to cook anything means anything even tea. Even her husband likes her cooking. Before marriage he used to visit her house and moreover they were in relationship for quite long time so he knew. And sometimes she even used cook in large quantity and send to his parents too. Her mother in law was more insecure that if she will lose control of kitchen and house if she allow DIL to cook. I think most MILs are like that. Because my friend is a great cook. Whatever she cooks and give she has to eat that. Only on weekends her used to visit them so that time her mother used to act very nice infront of son and tell DIL to you cook somethings special you are very nice cook and all. But once leaves to different city again back to same situation. My friend is kind of so much adjusting nature person, for everything she says ok. I always feels made more difficult.

    My friend used to tell me that how her MIL not cleaning stove, kitchen slab, spilled food or coffee under and on stove ,kitchen was zoo for many insects, unhygienic unorganized kitchen , Not eating my friend cooked food or commenting bad, eating relatives bought snacks as lunch or dinner instead of cooking proper food, not cleaning bathroom , not changing mattress cover, pillow cases for moths together, initial days of marriage they used to live in rental house so then electric geyser switch used to be outside the bathroom so when my friend goes for bath turning off the switch, not using washing machine , even if they use filling water manually from bucket and just keeping machine to was just for 15-20 minutes max, no breakfast, waterish curd, daily rasam with just one curry that too just one table spoon curry always same veggies(with just making curry with just one beetroot/ 100gm of beens/ bend for 4 people), not getting any veggies, even if my friend ask to bring different veggies or more quantity not getting and lying, getting all groceries in 100gm-250gm quantity, just cook one time and eat the same food till night, not even allowed to heat the food in the night, during menstrual time treating her like a sinner, always comparing with her daughter, keeping a week old stored rice, or food, when friend’s relatives or friends visit her not treating them properly not even proper food , not allowing her to go to doc even she is sick, not allowed to bring to home without inlaws permission even just a small tablet, with all these just within 6 months of marriage my friend lost so much weight she became anemic and seriously sick. My heart broke to see her like that. Then I made my friend to tell all these to her husband in a nicer way so that he knows what is happening when he is not around and why she fell sick, I told her to be firm on decision, your ILs never going to change instead of that you need to standup for your rights, if you don’t like something tell them you don’t like, I want like this, try to convince your ILs in a nicer way, tell this might be good if we do this way, tell the benefits doing so . She tried every other things nothing worked out. Even her husband tried to speak to his parents for that they blamed my friend that your wife is not good she is creating misunderstandings between son and parents ,she is manipulator, no humane, no good culture, no parents, she don’t understand relationships because she don’t have parents and grown alone, she don’t want anyone, trying to separate us from you, ok we will go back to native go both be happy , blackmailing my friend and her husband with skipping meals and not talking to them for days. Once after speaking to his parents they will be ok treat right my friend for few days that’s it after some days their real color comes out again. Her husband spoke to his parents succeed to let my friend to allow cooking. But its just for name same that’s it. If she goes to kitchen going behind her, if touch anything what you want why and all, if she put oil to cook removing oil, hiding all the ingredients all kind of cheap things MIL used to do, suppose my friend try to clean the house fighting unnecessarily for that. Not allowed to stay out of the house after 7, my friend used get scared if its 5 minutes late, even if both (my friend and husband) want to go out they should ask ILs permission where they are going why and all(only 2 of them going out was very rare), not allowed to come late even both are there too, always take ILs with them everywhere, if only two go out once they come back full big fight, if my friend buys something for her always she should buy for her MIL and SIL but this does not happen visa versa. FIL don’t work no income from him, he don’t even help in house works, wants everything where he sits. Giving costly gifts to Daughter and soninlaw and his parents for every festival. For that my friend’s and her husband’s money. Should give 40K for house maintenance every month even after they moved to big own house, for name sake its house maintenance but ILs spend less than 10% for house in that. my friend & husband has to spend for everything from their money even groceries even giving for house maintence 40k apart from that have to pay for house loan, car loan, every month FIL visit daugher for that he wants always flight or 1st class AC train, Every 3 months ILs wants to go cloth shopping, every year FILs father and mother death ceremony for that big pooja seperately and almost 50K, Their daughter delivery expense, naming ceremony, birthdays these people has to spend thier money(my friend-husband), (ILs save everything and give it to daughter even daughter is financially well). Me after so much mending my friend became little stronger and understood if she don’t stand up for herself she will be always like this. I told her not to bother what they say looks after yourself concentrate only on you and your husband, let them say hundred things you act like deaf. If you fall sick they don’t see you so you have to be strong and take of yourself and all. After so many fights and all now friend started cooking and eating what is wants. Sometimes her husband becomes blind even after knowing everything he supports his parents and tell my friend to adjust to them as they are old and they are like child. MIL showed hell to my friend during her pregnancy. Not cooking food for my friend, making her to all the work like bending cleaning and all. Her’s was critical pregnancy .Wantedly MIL keeping all the stuffs on ground shelfs or top shelf to make my friend bend or climb stool. Insulting my friend daily that you don’t have anyone one to go during pregnancy, don’t you get any gold gift as shagun from your side and all. Even knowing my friend don’t have parents they used tell all these to her daily. So her uncle got to know all these and they took her to take after delivery for 6 months and they did everything for her it seems. Now my friend have 2 year old kid. Her ILs never took care of her or her kid. At least her husband was on her side but once after having he took got change he started fair with other girl. When my friend got to know that and she fought with him that she will go to media and police. So for that what was his excuse to have affair was my friend put on weight, not taking care of him. So he asked her call for every hour and speaking so nicely like newly married couples. I don’t know how my friend is managing all these she need to work, take care of kid, cooking, and idiot husband. There is so many things but its hard to write everything here. My friend is really worried if this goes on she worries for her kid future.I don’t know what to suggest her or what she can do. I know every other woman is facing same issues, I might be over thinking or too much reacting to the situation, I know it's easy for me to tell something or suggest do like and all but its hard for the person who is going through all these. I am not really aware how to handle these kinds of situations. So Please please need suggestions.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2018
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  2. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    It's really sad to read your friends story and it's almost like typical indian serial. Audience are expecting when will the heroine start to react to the injustice and overcome all the sorrows.. but nothing happnd in this case when it should be and when she acted its late also. Now what I understood she is in a pond of problems and she needs to come out from it her own as its not going to help her in anyway being there with the problems.
    If she have a job, she can think to moving out to a new place and concentrate on work and kids and start a new life.
    It's her husband did more cruelty to her than MIL by not protecting her wife after he knows each and everything about her and he knows how much support she needs from him. But instead he went behind a new girl,which nullifies all the struggle she did for the family. Before she come out , she needs to file or atleast treathen about a domestic violence case against MIL to teach some lesson.
     
  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    It surprises me that your friend decided to put up with this kind of cruel inhuman treatment from her MIL. Her husband was not worth any of her struggles. Tell her to pack her bags with her son and leave these idiots behind. I hope she has the means to find a job.
     
    shravs3 and Sunshine04 like this.
  4. Hana2018

    Hana2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    I too have just this. She says I will move out but she is scared to do so or she is thinking of giving another chance to DH.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    That is every thread in married and in laws forum.
    A single person with so many problems...poor girl.

    Op....tell your friend to concentrate on her job and kids. Get better at her job and work for a better future for herself and kids.

    If she is willing to give that scumbag husband a chance,make sure she secures her and her childrens future.
    Tell that cheater to buy property in her and childrens name,invest in childrens education,then only she will consider giving another chance.At least in future,she will have more leverage.

    As far as the mil is concerned,let her go to hell.
    Anyone who can't be considerate to a pregnant woman doesn't deserve any consideration .
     
  6. Hana2018

    Hana2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    At present, she is not working. she took a break from her job until her sons start going to play school. She has almost 10 years of IT experience.
     
  7. Hana2018

    Hana2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah, she did a good thing while buying property they purchased in joint. As far savings she did not saved much because of ILs. Even though she maintains her different account her husband takes money from her always. But somehow she managed to make few long-term FDs
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    Can she move out of her dh's home and live separately (rent a house/apartment). That will help her to have a peaceful life. Her husband can stay with her &kids, and can take care of his own parents too. Use this opportunity to do that. If he wants to be in her life he has to take some effort. He has to prove that he is loyal to her and make sincere effort to improve their life. Now, he is taking her for granted. He dont love her, not sincere too. Thats why he is after other women. What if he continue doing this?

    He need to take care of his kids. Living in this abusive environment is not good for kids.

    Dont give that chance very easily. That will give the impression that its ok to continue with his cheating & abusing episodes. He will thinks she can manage it. If she likes to give him a chance, give it after thinking very well and based on conditions. Try to move out of PILS home. Let him also face the consequences. Address these challenges head on.

    Is his excuse is correct ... will he be ok if his own wife start an affair because he was not taking care of her.

    If she stays will PILs again, develop a thick skin, either learn to ignore or face it. Do whatever she wants to do. Dont ask for approval of anyone to do what he wants in this house or outside the house. Be smart

    Focus on her life and kids. Try to get a job. Being financially independent will give her more confidence. Take control of her life into her hands. Be strong.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2018
  9. Hana2018

    Hana2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for your suggestion. My friend just 2 weeks back spoked to her DH regarding moving out or taking rented apt but her DH did not like this idea of moving out. He told they are old and I am the only son, after all, they are my parents I can't leave them like that if we take separate house what my relatives talk about me and all bull **** reasons. Basically, he is mom son. and even my friend sometimes reluctant to live separately because right now she is not working, with only one person earning need to manage all the expenses it might be very difficult.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Look like your friend like to continue this way. If that is the case no suggestion will help her.
    She has to ask herself .. what she actually want? No one is going to help her. She need to help herself, other wise life will go on like this for ever.

    You cannot do anything in this situation. Just listen to her and if she needs any help, do it for her. That's all. Its her life, let her decide what she wants.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.

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