Stressful Married Life

Dear OP..

You have already adjusted for many years now. Your husband is a good dad (must be a good man), I think only thing lacking now is a good relationship between you two. I am sure you will get a job even with 8 years break. It might be an entry level job or that sort but it will help you a lot. Either continue your studies or try for a job. When these things keep you bc your hubby will treat you in a better way.

I am working on and off , I feel when ever I work my husband shows more affection or maybe I dont care as I am preoccupied with work. ☺️

 

Looks like you studying there n getting job is a better option for you n the kids.

Try joining something where you have to go to a class room atleast every few days in a week, time it in a way that you are out when your kids are at school so you are able to do it. If that's not possible, look at a part time job, not a work from home. You need to get out n make some new friends as well.

The above answer applies for your second question as well. When you are busy, it distracts you too. So all this will reduce the begging, pleading n less time to think about it.

You have tried everything for 10 years without much success, now start focusing on yourself n get better as an individual. Maybe that will make him look at you in a different light n start respecting you.

 

Pt 1 - go for option 2 . Be determined and study and start earning. (I am 100% sure your situation will improve if You have to gain financial independence. so work on your financial independence in the near future. That should be your short term goal )

Pt 2 - The more the plead and beg, the more you will be looked down is wht i feel in your case . YOu have tried it for a decade and it didnt work . TRy to be occupied and engage in hobbies, yoga , medidation parallely with your studies . Just do your duties as a wife and then te entire time devote to our personal development an d learning. Stop focussing on the bad behaviour of your hubby. The more you focus on correcting that the more stressed and depressed you will be. so just start working on your personal, professional and spiritual development. do not keep any resentment towards your hubby , but concentrate on your own development.



Stop this pleading and begging. You have done of for a decade and it seems to be of no use.

QUOTE="Shreya001, post: 4072352, member: 479479"]hello friends,..
i have been married for 10 years and have two kids.. it was never a happy marriage.. I tried a lot to improve our relationship like i left job , taking care of home and kids so that he can concentrate on his career and studies but he never appreciated and took everything for granted. He never shares anything what he is doing, his earnings, expenditures , investments, savings, plans etc. Then also i always felt everything would be fine someday.. He keeps on taunting me for everything and blames me for every bad thing happened in his life.. He doesn't talk to me or if he talks he blames or scolds me...

Almost everyday, I speak my heart out to him and say plz tell me what should i do that will improve our relationship. May be I am not able to understand where am i wrong plz tell me so that i can improve.. And i am sorry if i hurt you in anyway. But he behaves as if he is not listening. It hurts my self respect so much, my health is suffering... Now, i cant take it any more ..my hopes are gone that it will be fine someday...

I am not here to find solution to improve my marriage.. i need help :-

1. Should i take divorce . Go back to my country and start looking job. I am financially not independent.. its difficult to get a job after 8 years of gap.. He is THE BEST as father. Divorce will ruin my kids life for sure.
OR
I have started studies here .. should i continue and try to get job at some other place as i dont want to live with him anymore. my kids will get love of both parents in this case.. we will meet after a while and it may improve our relation.

2. how to become mentally strong so that i don't plead to improve relationship everyday.. i have feeling if stop begging him and ignore him, he will come back to me.

Thank you[/QUOTE]

 

Op read books like why meant dont listen and women can't read maps, men are from mars etc.. men and women are wired differently. emotional pleading and all that are the last things you should be doing. fantasizing about leaving a bad marriage is easy. but actually executing it with two kids and no job is practically difficult. I would say continue your studies and find a job in a different city. maybe a break from each other in the name of a job situation might help you gain clarity .

 

If Visa is not a problem, getting job here after break is easy compared to India. Just try and try again. Don't get discouraged on failure. Once you start earning, it will automatically boost your confidence and self esteem. Stop pleading him for affection. Detach yourself emotionally from him. No expectations, no hurt.

 

Hi Op,

I would advise you to start living your life. That doesnt mean you have to be selfish but live life on your terms.
For example, donot ask him to everyday what you need to do to improve the relationship, this autoatically assumes that you are the one who is at fault and requires change, he gains power. I am not saying you need to have more power in this marriage, all i am saying his, you need to have more power over yourself and not him. For the next few years, focus on getting a good education, securing a job and spending time with your kids...with 0 expectations from him. Let him say and do whatever he wants, be unaffected by it. I am not syaing he will change, but you will know how to be self sufficient and you dont require anyone else validation. Divorce or not is your decision, i am not going to comment on that but all i am saying is that, we women then to sacrifice things without being asked many time but because when life demands we automatically assume we need to be the one who need to sacrifice. And after that we expect to be recognized for it. I feel like it is a self invented problem. Trust me i have been there and i know. If you live your life in your terms, without expecting anything from anyone else...we will be affected by anything anyone does. Hope this makes sense.

 

First talk to ur husband ..if he is not replying properly tell to both of ur parents and close friends and ask them to find out the resason.he may open up with them atleast.

Being quite, Studies and job and all will not make u happy...just make him understand how much u r affected because of him.

Others may advice and share there experience.

 

For the last 10 years you have been FOCUSING ON YOUR HUSBAND.
Now its time to FOCUS ON YOURSELF more.

You have tried all methods to improve the relationship. But you have been taken for granted. I feel the issues between husband and wife should be solved between the two. If there is no way, or planing for divorce only then involve others as it can back fire. It is up to you to decide it. Will divorce will bring you or kids any better life ?

So it is better now to improve your status- focus on your studies and try to get a job. Get out of your home everyday.Interact with other people. Once you gain financial independence, you gain more confidence and may get more clarity in your thoughts. Now you focus too much on your husband. So each and everything by him affect you. When you are distracted with your studies, job, hobbies or other activities, you will have less time to think about his blame games. Once you get a job, you should handle your finances, not hand over it to dh.

As a last step, may be you can talk to husband that his behavior is hurting you and you are really unhappy with this life. This is not what one call a good relationship. But talk with confidence, not like you did some crime. I dont think this is going to improve your situation in anyway. It is better not to worry too much about things you cannot control. All you can do is control you. After this talk, stop taking on this subject completely. The more you talk, he will treat you more like a doormat. You are an adult, so you should be able to understand if you make a mistake. You don't need him to tell it to you. Instead of agreeing with him when he blames, have you ever response back in a confident way, that its not your fault and if he thinks so, he can, but you don't care. But if it aggravate situation or affect peace of your home, better go on an ignoring method as you need to help yourself now and needs his support to continue studies..

Talking like this everyday may look like nagging . So first stop doing it. Even if you have an urge, control it ( do something else or walk away ). Let him blame or scold or whatever. Don't give any importance. Don't take that to your heart as you know that its his nature. Just create an attitude in your mind that you don't care about false allegations or blames. You don't need his certificate as you are doing your best. You dont allow his negative attitude to spoil your positive mind. Just do your duty as wife and try to spent more time with kids or other activities.

When we bend more people expect it more. Dont allow anyone to disrespect or control you beyond your comfort zone. Completely ignore his tantrums.

Look like you know the answer. You should stop begging and act like a victim. Time to act like a survivor. For the last 10 year you were chasing him. Stop it and let him chase you. When he notice your new confident version & leave or stay attitude , he will be curious and come to you as you believe. Then set the conditions right. Only time can tell. First of all, stop thinking negative about him or your unhappy married life. Feel blessed for whatever you have (example : you got a chance to study). Try to stop your mind thinking negative of him ( example: when we say we hate somebody, one day we will, its the power of mind ), it will prevent from anger, frustrations, and becoming a bitter person. Accept that he is like this, it beyond your control to change him. Any change should come from him. So force your mind to think positively. Do whatever you do with confidence. Let your face shine with positive thoughts and confidence. Slowly you can do it. Just do your duties and convey minimum things required, and then focus on you and kids. Just create an I don't care attitude to all nonsense. Going to silent mode (even if he does) wont help anyone. Always communicate whatever is needed in day to day life in a good way. But not about improving your relationship and going after him on this topic. Empower yourself. Take control of your life. He will wonder what happened to you when you stop begging him. Dont boost his ego by pleading him when he ignore you in all levels. Try relaxing methods like meditation/yoga/prayer or whatever you like to relieve stress in day to day life.

Instead of focusing on this relationship now, do your best improve your status - study well, take care yourself, kids , your husband too in an unconditional way ( dont expect anything from him for the time being) also find time to relax . Try your best to complete studies and get a job. I feel you need to gain more self confidence. I am sure once you gain positive attitude and confidence, you will be able to think with a calm mind and you get a clear idea on how to proceed. You cannot do anything about the past 10yrs. Its done. So live in present and think about future .

Be optimistic. Good luck

 

Op I think you should finish your studies and look for a job here. Once you have a job then you can decide on the next step to see where you want to be. I think you can lead a better life here as a single parent than India. But finish your studies and then decide.