1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Strange problem, Feeling very low.. Please help what should i do

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Shanubang, Sep 10, 2013.

  1. Shanubang

    Shanubang New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Iam in strange problem and I don’t know what to do next, please help. Please suggest what should I do? Iam very disturbed for last 3-4 days, feeling very low that one person whom I know for last 32 years of my life, the one who was my best friend, whom I could go for anything/ anytime has turned into a totally unacceptable person and is now behaving very rudely/ badly.
    About me:
    Iam happily married for 8.5 years now with two kids – boy(6.5 yrs) and girl(1.5 yrs). Ours was love marriage, though there was initial disagreement with both families as we both belong to different community and caste, but later both families agreed and very thing is going fine with us.
    Background:
    The problem that I am facing is about my brother. I have an elder brother who is 6 years elder to me and is married for 10 years now and has two kids (both are boys). I was very close to my brother and always used to respect and like him a lot. Last week I came to know that he is having an extra marital affair with another lady who is very much older to him and has a marriage age daughter(20 years) from her earlier marriage life. My sister-in-law knows about this for more than 3-4 years, though initially she fought with my brother, later she has accepted this and continuing to live normal life with him. My parents also came to know about this about 2 years back and looks like initially they too fought with him, but he started threatening them that ”My wife is OK so what is your problem”. My parents are financially dependent on him and they live with him in his house. I have an elder sister who is also happily married with two kids for 11 years now and she also came to know last year and accepted it like others. So my entire family knew this and they were hiding it from me. Also they were accepting the fact, though they don’t approve of this.
    Problem:
    On last Friday, one of my distant cousin called me to tell that my brother is arranging wedding of this other lady’s daughter to one of my uncle’s(maternity uncle) son. I was so shocked to hear this, I called my mother to check and she is saying it is true and was crying that they were hiding it from me because I will never accept such thing and will end up fighting with my brother which they don’t want to happen. My mother is shattered with this move and also for the fact that her own brother (maternal uncle) and son are doing this. Apparently this uncle has agreed for the wedding for money, my brother has promised for a house in Bangalore and lot of cash. It seems this uncle’s family visited Bangalore to get their son’s engagement done with that girl in a quiet affair.
    On hearing this, I got so wild that first I called my brother to check what is happening and tell him not to do this. When I called my brother I was so shocked and surprised to see his reaction for my question. He started abusing me with vulgar language and says he does not care about me or anyone, and that no one in this world can stop him from doing what he wants to do. He wants to live his life like the way he want and he says his wife is Ok and I don’t have any rights to ask. I also called my maternal uncle and told him to stop this but he too is saying that Iam doing all this for your bother only, you please talk to him. Also my brother has later called my husband to tell that “Ask your wife to behave properly or else I will come to house and create BIG SCENE”. My husband was shocked with this behavior of my brother and asked him what it is about for which he said – “Go ask your wife”. As soon as my husband returned home from work he asked me about this and I then lot the entire story to my husband. My husband is very understanding and he told me “Good that I questioned my question and did not accept it like others and that he is proud of my act”, but he asking me not to do anything after this and just forget it. He is telling not call my brother or have any relation with him because he is not worth it and not a gentleman. He is also saying that I can continue to talk to my parents, sister-in-law and even their kids, but don’t ever talk to my brother. But I really want to go in front of my brother and question him, because he is thinking there is no one in this world who can do anything. I also feel like slapping my brother. But my husband is saying think of our kids and don’t get into any problem.
    But how can I keep quiet, I am so confused, what should I do. I am not able to focus on my work or any other things. Please help.
     
    Loading...

  2. Shanubang

    Shanubang New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Hi ILites,

    147 views.. no replies.. please reply.. Iam feeling very low... Need some views and suggestions... plzzz....
     
  3. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    You are in a spot. You have spoken to your brother once. He will be abusive again. But what is happening is completely wrong. It is strange that his wife is ok with this arrangement. Ideally you should call a family conference and try to knock some sense into his head. But for the sake of your family peace better to keep quiet. The decision is yours!
     
    2 people like this.
  4. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,211
    Likes Received:
    13,034
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    Kudos to you for standing up for what is right, but I also agree with your husband. When the rest of your family has accepted the affair, you fighting with your brother will not accomplish anything. Whether you keep any relations with your brother, or not, is your decision. What you can do is try to be supportive to your SIL who is, most likely, suffering in silence. Also, provide emotional support to your parents and other siblings who are being bullied by your brother.
     
    7 people like this.
  5. naliniraut

    naliniraut Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    140
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Shanubang,
    Hugs to you, you know what your first priority is your own family now especially your young kids, by thinking too too much about your brother and his behaviour will be affecting your mood and putting undue pressure and stress on your children, you don't want that at any cost. I will suggest you to stop worrying about him ( I know it is easy to say) and listen to your hubby, he is right.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,921
    Likes Received:
    2,474
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,
    Its sad that you are undergoing so much pain in your relationship with brother but we must understand that people change with time.
    You think of him as a brother who he was long ago but now he has changed and you are shocked.
    It would be good to cut all relationship with him, ignore him but talk to your parents and his family.
    He is a grown man and will not listen to you , you will lose respect if he abuses you face to face, do not slap him , he may hit back.
    His wife has made a huge compromise so have your parents, you have voiced your dissent, leave him to his plans.
    Regarding the marriage of his lovers DD , obviously he has decided to support the woman throughout her life.
    Let your relatives do whatever , listen to your DH unless you want an ugly unforgettable scene.
     
    2 people like this.
  7. sarada30

    sarada30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,974
    Likes Received:
    2,165
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank god your hubby is so understanding firstly .............

    It is very hurting to know about your brother behavior but you can not fight with him unless his wife is supportive
    at his end. You need not fight with him instead just avoid him as you will have to face difficulty in future to take any action now............
     
  8. sathyaK

    sathyaK Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    59
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Please do not talk to your brother about this. Cut off all ties with him. Good that your DH is very understanding. For your own peace stop talking to your brother and please do not worry about this.

    There is a saying, "if you marry for money, you will earn every penny" , so your maternal uncle will soon realize this if he is getting his son married off to that girl for money. In due course, your brother will also realize his mistakes.

    But I am so surprised by the fact that your sil has accepted all this and living through it.

    You say that you feel like slapping your brother , but I wish that sil does that .
     
  9. sandhyachander

    sandhyachander Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    35
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey shanubang,

    very sad to hear yr story. But try to see the other side, you have a strong husband who s always on your side. That s the plus point.

    You should accept the fact, that yr brother is changed now.........not the same old brother which you were close... once upon a time......He says he wants to live his own life in his own way......so take him out of your mind.......its difficult but try changing your mind to something else like listening to music and watching tv, giving more attention to kids and yr hubby.

    After some time, all will fall in line for you.......wait and watch. All the best,
     
  10. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,959
    Likes Received:
    6,857
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Male
    There are two streams of thought here: one about your brother's extra-marital affair and the second about this marriage that's being arranged. Regarding the first, you have done the best you could. As for the second, there's your uncle, your brother, his paramour and her daughter, but where's the prospective groom? Does he know the full story? Is he OK with it?
     

Share This Page