strange life, what should the wife do??

hope2b · Aug 17, 2014

I am in no great situation in my married life, but I wanted your suggestions on a recent incident that came across.

This couple had a love marriage. Parents agreed for their kids happiness, but hated each other. In laws are conservative but mil is extremely possessive (can't beat mine though). ILS moved in with son and wife. Wife and ILS were not happy with each other. It seems ILS wanted wife's parents to be respectful to them etc etc, which her parents weren't. Meaning the girls parents were to be submissive, ask them formally to send son to their house for festival's, treat their daughter the same way, ie sil if comes in to town, she needs to be treated well. This was not happening. The wife had a baby and fights happened between parents due to the below par arrangements, like not giving required sweets etc during the baby naming ceremony. Supposedly its the wife's parents that had to do a good function for all the ILS relatives and it didn't go well. This led to a heated fight among the husband, ILS, and wife's parents. Since then the wife and husband are not talking to each other. They contemplated divorce as each couldn't bear their respective parents sadness. Now they are living with each other, but wife doesn't talk to anyone. She doesn't want to divorce for her baby. But has no feelings left for her H. The Mil is completely OK with this arrangement as their son is on their behalf. In fact, she leaves no stone unturned to taunt dils parents for mistreating them. The lady is gutless and living like a stone.

It seems the husband communicated to her that it is how their life is going to be. Among each other the relation has ended and as parents cannot take any more stress, he wants to dedicate himself to them. Oh, it seems if not for the equations with the parents, they are very happy with each other.

The worst thing in all this is, he never spent anytime mingling with her parents via phone or directly. Also, when this lady was pregnant, he didn't spend a single day with her even after the baby was born, as she was with her parents. This was because it seems to be norm in their family.

My question to you, should the lady be continuing in this relationship? She is educated, used to work, but now is sahm. The couple has forgotten all sorts of emotional, verbal, and physical communication. What is the benefit of such a relation where the H just wants to be there for his parents. And thewife is just taking it as she cannot face more hardships?

MalStrom · Aug 17, 2014

The MIL sounds like a piece of work, but the husband bears his share of blame. It sounds like the usual trivial disagreements were all blown out of proportion.
If he is not willing to lift a finger for his wife, then there is really nothing left to say.
If the wife is in a position to do so, and her parents are supportive then at least a trial separation may be a good idea. Maybe it will help the husband realize the value of his own married life.

yellowmango · Aug 17, 2014

She should not waste her life on this man and his family. He obviously doesn't care for either her or the child.If he cared for the child....he wouldn't be putting the child's mother through this ****. As for his parents....they don't deserve a dil or even a grandchild.

kanthtx · Aug 18, 2014

I think it is best to get out of the relation for both of them...

what is the point in living in a relation where there is no life? A relation should be supportive, loving and make u a better person as u go along in ones life... even after so many years a couple cannot reconcile and move forward with all the attempts like marraige counselling and others, then it is better to seperate..

is there any point in wasting one's life completely for decades, without any sort of happiness, peace or joy?

persecutedDIL · Aug 18, 2014

I don't support divorce because it is an irreversible step and I do believe that sometimes it's best to leave things to time as time is not just the greatest healer but also the greatest teacher!
Not sure if you are talking about yourself but whether it is you or your friend, one needs to reflect on whether there is a possibility of a deeper connect between the husband and wife.
How long a time depends on the patience and tolerance limit of the person.

Weasly · Aug 18, 2014

Such co-dependent parents n son relationship is not a healthy one! They deserve to stay in that screwed up situation , where the mother only wants son and son only wants parents! Why he got married in the first place i dont knw! Why promise someone a decent life if he wasnt ready to make the sacrifices ir stand up fir her! Such spineless men shud be left alone to their jaded thinking n nt deserve the love of a woman n his child! He is not even fighting for his kid! His own blood ! What else cn u expect from him! Even the parents dont knw when to back off n not destroy the son's family life! Selfish to the core!!

I support divorce in such a cse! Why waste ur life in a place which makes u miserable! She wud be better off alone!! And al this blaming the girls parents is just twisted again! The mil just wanted to create issues so she did! If not oarents it wud have been something else!!

Akanksha1982 · Aug 18, 2014

Op, she should go back to her parents and raise the child there. Once the child is settled at her parent's home, she should look for work and stand on her own feet. Don't agree to divorce or don't call the husband. The husband will have to have self-realization before he comes back. He will come back for the child. It may take a longer time. But use that time to have work and stand on her own feet.

hope2b · Aug 18, 2014

Hi guys, thanks a lot for the suggestions. I am also for living separate, if she's not so much into divorce. She tells me that she's already doing that, whats the difference. I think its important that she stand on her own, which she can and never accept that husband back, even if he is back. What is the need for a husband who cannot be next to a wife at the most important milestones in their life. Such people don't deserve second chances.