strained relationships marriage affected

goodlife4all · Aug 9, 2011

Hi all,

I have a problem which is growing like a tree with every passing year, which is making me dread my future so much... It all started when I was a student, I loved my senior and his family accepted me as well and we planned to get married after my studies. I was staying in the hostel and kind of lonely staying from home for the first time. This senior, I met him only online and we felt we are meant for each other. My parents were against the inter-caste and they told I should finish my studies first... reasonable... I completed my studies and got admission in a nice place for future studies... This senior who was helping me all the way, changed his mind and got married to someone else... I met him only once for the entire duration as he was in a different country ( and it was emotional relationship)... I ended up in some problems as I could'nt forget him... Added to that, my family became very indifferent to me...Later they got me married, but they did not overcome their ill feelings to me... My husband came to know about the previous bad episode when we went for visa purpose, just 10 days after the marriage... When we reached home, my dad told my husband to help with those visa issues (I really really dont want to disclose and go through that trauma again...), and he told my husband it seems to be stiff with me... Initially I told my husband ... "you are joking, my dad want say so". But when I casually asked dad he told he did it... There are many other instances they harrassed me as they could'nt overcome their ill feelings against me...but they nevel acknowledged it, saying I am just assuming and they are treating me nicely.. I always wanted to get out of that house and start a new life with my husband... I don't know what is going wrong... my husband right from day 1 of marriage used to praise other women, and compare me to every women we come across saying how they are better.. after 1 year of marriage we used to have constant arguements how we dreamt of a nice life and blaming each other how the dreams got crashed...When we were planning for a baby, and I asked him to get prenatal vitamins, he bluntly told you get down at the same stop, why don't you get yourselves... There are so many sensitive things where he never understood my feelings and added insult to the emotional wounds...I have a small baby now and I feel y current life is just an extension of what my own familyused to treat me... not caring for my feelings, appreciating or acknowledging me for all the work I do... My mom when she visited us, she did not give any emotional support and added to my marital problems commenting me infront of my husband about the past issues... He used to scold or belittle me infront of her, knowing I dont share a good relation with them... And also he always praises one lady infront of me since marriage.. she is a friend but he tells she is like a sister...I do not get emotional support from him ostly...only when i am broken and in despair he appears to console me... but in a day or two everything goes back to the same place...when I could'nt take any longer, I called his parents twice to tell what I was going through... I don't know who else I can share with... recently, when I asked why he does'nt care for my feelings or the small things that matter to me... he called my home and his home and told that we are suffering in the relationship, and dont want to continue in the relationship... when his parents tried to convince him, he told them... do you want me to suffer the rest of my life... his family is not financially well off and we are facing financial problems now... i am currently not working and looking for opportunities... the work i do at home is rarely appreciated... I do not have any friends here... i feel like moving out and giving the relation some time before we take a decision.... i don't know where its going to lead... i had been to a psychologist and she told i don't have any mental health problem... everytime i want to make things better, they end up just the opposite....i have strained relationship with my siblings, and i don't have anyone close to share my problems... I called my parents and told them that what they have told my husband early in the marriage, created misunderstandings between us and they only escalated with time... so if they think they want to help us overcome the problems they are welcome to come... (i don't want to go to my house, they hurt me really badly my emotional self...), otherwise I made up my mind to stay away from him and give the relationship some time... I feel my husband is a nice person but subconsciously b/c of what my father told, he is ill-treating me.... no matter what, I don't want to take it any further... i am enduring the emotional burden for many years now, i feel like i want to run away from everything and just take care of my baby... I had given so much time thinking... after the baby things will improve in our married life or with my parents... but NO... After the episodes, I became a irritable person and difficulty trusting others... what am I to do?

rose8282 · Aug 9, 2011

I dont know why all of you (YOU,your husband,parents) are destroying your lives for some person who is happily married elsewhere?Are you trying to compare your husband to your ex-boyfriend?What I mean by that is comparing the level of concern your bf used to show and now what your husband shows.Your husband,on the other hand, must be pissed off that he got a bad deal.
See..everything is in YOUR hands.You can try to scrutinize and say that no one is caring for you.Or you can find happiness in all the things that you have.It cannot be that everyone around you is wrong.You must be on the wrong side ALSO.Try to evaluate what you are doing.Are you living in your past?Come out of it and dont think that happiness will fall into your hands.You must go GRAB it!!
I suggest sitting down and telling your husband that THIS IS IT.You want to resolve the problems once and for all before trying to separate. Start writing those points about your husband that you would like him to change.You can ask your husband to do the same about you.Stick it on your bedroom walls and tick each other off when you see that change.Try to go out for a dinner or a movie when both of you have brought 1 change in yourselves.You could also write those points that you love about each other.This shows how much you care for each other...how much you value each other.
Dress nicely and try to recollect sweet moments.Cook your hubby's fav dishes,rent dvd's that your hubby likes and watch them together.Make an effort first and then expect some effort from the other side.

Try as much as possible not to involve your parents.Show some effort that you truly care for your DH.
If none of this works out,then ask your father to intervene.

SriVidya75 · Aug 9, 2011

SAd to read your plight.....but here the BASIC underlying issue is ....you are expecting your parents to be in good terms with you.....and not leaving upto them and letting them go...

sometimes, you have to take a serious stand....you have got several situations where you could have done that but you did not...as you kept on expecting n hoping your parents will come around and let go off their anger

When you heard from your dads mouth about how he told your husband to be stiff with you.....Right on your dads face you should have said, enough is enough..and if he cannot respect a grownup daughters feelings and life...its better that you and your parents should not be in touch anymore....they did their job n responsibilityof getting you married...and its done n over...so you dont need them or their suggestion and you should have warned your dad to keep his mouth shut forever or else he might have to face nasty insults infront of you rhusband only as you wont keep quiet going forward...(but you didnt do this.....to be frank if it were your FIL who had said those words, am sure most of the DILs would want to tell their FIL to shut his mouth....but because here its your dad you had let it go.... and it back fired on you more n more)

When you have observed that your husband doesnt appreciate you or your feelings and he always praises other women, and is saying things like you go n get the vitamins etc...why did youeven plan for a baby?? whats the rush? with so much of emotional trauma around you what made you opt for a baby? wasnt that a bad decision? now because of your irresponsible decision, the kid has to suffer. agree it or not.....if being a grown up you cant take such emotional pain...think about a kid who has their mind set totally confused on whatever is going at home....dad doesnt respect mom, doesnt love n appreciate mom, mom letting everyone walk over her!! is this a good situation n atmosphere for a kid to grow up??

coming to how you called up your parents and told about what all is happening etc....one way its good but the other way is bad.....the other way which is bad is...ASKIN your parents to come n fix all this...which sounds like crap to me...sorry! your parents are capable of lashing out infront of your hsuband again...may be this time on your husband and also at you...do youreally want this??

Agreed your father spoke all crap, but where is your husband sense?? why cant he understand that its time to move on...and grow up?

I do agree that time for you to have a open chat with your husband...ask him if he can come to marriage counselling. if he says no...and if he keeps crying that his life is miserable, better find a job and move out and live separately for couple of years and see where you both stand...as far as kid is concerned what is his approach towards the kid? is he attached if yes, then might be you both have to share the custody of the kid, if not, then ask him if he is ok with you taking the kid iwth you. remember this..do not run away wi th the kid....whatever you do..talk to him, inform him and decide the next steps.

No point in living in the same house and he complaining n whining everyday and you wanting to impress everyone and wanting to be accepted....but also why not get a job and share the expenses but live under the same roof as room mates and practise attachment with detachment and see how it goes....i.e you both are not gonna go together, you wont cook for him or clean for him, you will earn and share expenses n mortgage or rent, that way your kid gets to see both the parents..also. However the negativities here are....you will never be able to actually analyse whether if you left your husband and moved out, he really would have wanted to be with your or would he have opted for separation......in a relationship you would want to live happily with the other person...sometimes its ok to adjust but sometimes its better to cut the losses an dmove forward even if its painful and make a good future for yourself.

Whatever you do..STOP involving your parents. STOP calling them. STOP talking tothem. do not let them talk to you or your husband and do not let them make decisions for you. AGreed you made a mistake of loving a wrong guy and you got your hands burnt...but thats ok...these are lifes lessons. no point in punishing you about it for ever isnt it?? that too talking crap infront of your husband about your past love life is the most nastiest thing any father can do.

DrKadambari · Aug 9, 2011

. Try to speak firm and try explaining him that things would go nowhere if you both are in such misunderstanding... You both have to concentrate on making this marriage work and not find faults on each other. If he comes up with the past say, yes every one goes thru one or the other thing and we have to leave it behind and look forward and not beat around the bush about whats past. Its our life and we have to make it work.
I just put down what I could think of for your situation. I was weeping all night after having read your post as my sis did what your father did . In my case just after my marriage, my sis (married) told my husband to be stiff at me as i wouldnt listen to any one and do only what i thought was right. (This she said as i was making decisions in my parents house as my parents would never take responsibility and i had to earn and run the show which i did for like 7 yrs before i got married at age 25) My husband says even now after years that I should not be let do anything on my own, if i disagree he will say your own family says it. Heck when i asked my sis, she said, might be i said something and i dont remember and your husband is keeping that in mind. How can some one say like about own sis to a new comer trusting him more than own sis...

Umlaut · Aug 9, 2011

Just digressing a little here, because I got so angry reading what the OP and Kadambari wrote. I feel bad for both of you. I wonder why sometimes why some first degree relatives make such comments which make life difficult afterwards.

Kadambari, I suppose it might have been a case of sibling rivalry. Your sister might have felt jealous that you had helped the family for so many years and might be your parents might have praised you to her and made her resent.

In case of the OP, I suppose that it might have been her past friendship must have become an ego issue on the part of the father and he decided to 'punish' her by telling her H to be stiff with her.

But in both cases, even after so many years the husbands still are holding onto that one single sentence uttered by the close relatives. I mean, can't they make judgements of their own. And men pride themselves for being more logical and practical than women. Hah!

goodlife4all · Aug 9, 2011

Hi,

Thanks for your replies. It is the need of the moment. I was my dad's pet and had the luxury of getting what I asked for. My parents mean so much to me... as I am never open with my personal life with friends or relatives... I share everything with them... right from the day1 when the person proposed to me...I don't care about that person anymore now...but the past that I faced at my home still haunts me however hard I try to keep off. when they say sth that hurts me, I do reply back asking why they did so... but not in a stern voice... I break into tears... at the time of my marriage, my family intentionally used to hurt me like: on the day I was made the bride before marriage, they made me sit at the muhurth and all of them went inside the room for more than 20 min or so.. I was sitting alone there, very embarrased, with just one aunt of mine and another distant relative, whose daughter was the co-bride for me... I can't move from that place even... its like after 9.00 in the morning... and when I asked my aunt to call them, she went in a couple of times and told what can I do if they are not coming.... its very inconsistent with what my mom told that they are dressing up (dad, mom, brother, sis, sis-in-law)... strange! When I have to start for the mandap, which is less than 5 min distance from home... I called up to say that I am ready... none of them came to pick me up and asked me to come... 2 of my friends were there with me, so we started to the venue... and when we reached, the car driver whom we got from one of my dads friends... said it is not appropriate and he called the music band as I enter the place.... then my brothers came to the entrance to receive me.... my mom was like we are very busy here, otherwise we could have come... At the time of thalambralu, my SIL came to me and asked where I kept the items for thalambralu which I purchased.... which I showed to them and asked them to pack with other things to be taken to the venue... luckily its just 2 min drive to our home... For vratam at my in-laws house, we were waiting for them till 10.30 am or so, as it is 3 1/2 hours drive from our home, but they reached around 12.30 and told that they got delayed as everyone has to get ready....the nuptials were a disaster with my inlaws moving to the hotel without having food as someone in the family insulted my MIL and itseems my mom kept quiet. The morning, first thing my husband told is I am not going to come to your home, if this happens again... And then the visa thing.... my husband is upset and I was crying in the hotel room and he asked me sternly 'is there anything else I need to know?' I couldn't forgive him even now... it is the last thing I expect to hear when I am alive....someone questioning my integrity...When my mom was here, I asked her like what is the reason they treated me that way, I felt maybe if people acknowledge, then they don't repeat it again or I don't have to carry that burden questioning in my mind... why why why? None of it happened like this from my family side atleast, in other siblings marriage... Then my mom started speaking things of the past and my husband told on her face that he being a nice person now, doesn't mean he won't change over time... Now my mind is like branched in 2 ways... it depends on how the person treats me, I either respond in a good loving way or in a bad irritable, depressed way... unfortunately, my husband is behaving like my family and I am responsing in a bad way too.... I don't know how to cut this cycle... dont know where o start... if I try being nice and the other person continues in the old behavior, I run the risk of people running over me; if I continue to respond the way they are treating me, this cycle is going to continue... I wanted to run out of my house and start a married life, as my family was harrasing me in a way, I thought may be they have the societal pressures having a grown up daughter at home.... but even after marriage or having a kid I can see the distance and indifference... After things were not so happy in marriage, I wanted to have a kid.... I just want one soul whom I can love fully without anything lurking in my mind... and expect that love from that person too...I want my kid to have a beautiful future, I had enough and don't want him to suffer b/c of my poor decisions...but if I have to stay in the marriage, I want to provide a nice ambience to my baby...b/c it makes them think the world is the same as our world...
Coming to my siblings, when I went home for my siblings marriage... one day we are about to have lunch... and I was about to sit next to my brother, and he kept his hand on the chair and told that's for SIL... my mom was there, she didn't say anything to him, she told me why don't you come and sit here... showing another place... There are many many instances where they tried to treat me that way... or bring up the past... its enough to remind that it hurts me... I really want to know, how atleast I become non responsive to these things, so that they stop doing it... b/c I usually respond by feeling hurt and crying for their words or actions...I told them I do not want to communicate if the relations are going to continue in the present state and stopped communicating... they never tried to communicate with me either... though my mom says over phone about good things they said... I decided not to talk with my parents too... not good for either of us...but took back my wordswhen my granny died....if sth happens to my parents, I will never forgive myself for taking such a decision....We are going to a therapist and kind of getting marriage counselling... but it's like even before the existing problems are cleared, more and more start flowing in.... Its pretty long... but I want to give a proper picture so that you can tell me a correct remedy.... mostly half of my life is being spent in brooding these things.... I just want to put an end to it and enjoy life....

Umlaut · Aug 9, 2011

I'm not an expert at such matters, but what I feel is that it is totally in your hands now. You want love and affection and understanding from your family. I mean, its totally understandable. We all do. Its something so basic.

Now, if you had posted that your FIL had said or done something like this, immediately there would have been a barrage of replies asking you to cut off from him. Why not, if the father of the girl himself did something like that?

What is your family getting from constantly raking up the past. That is the last thing any sensible person would do and certain not the thing that close family should. Maybe they derive pleasure in making you cry, knowing your sensitive nature. Anybody on this earth do such things to you only if you let them. Take SriVidya's suggestions. Stop talking to them. Stop contacting them. But before you do that, make sure your father knows that it is because of his crass and thoughtless comment, made before the marriage even started, that you have reached the current state of discord with your H. Don't worry about what will happen to them if they fall ill. For now, remove that mental noise that your family is filling up in your life. Only then you will be able to resolve your current issues with H. Please discuss this also with your therapist.

DrKadambari · Aug 9, 2011

With respect to parents... maintain a relationship where you speak to them just general updates and general about the kid. Dont speak anything about your relationship with your husband.

Dont question any one infront of your husband, like you confronted your mom.

And with your husband, you should say that he has to grow up and you both are no kids to call parents for anything and complain. You have a little one whose future also depends on the relationship. Learn the ignore treatment. If he shouts or so, learn to give stern reply and not get emotional or angry. Just give casual answers. I think you can post some instants where in other members can suggest how it could be handled. By experience i now have learnt to tackle the brainless husband who would insult me - all by reading at other posts and by posting my issues here.

Umlaut said: ↑

Kadambari, I suppose it might have been a case of sibling rivalry. Your sister might have felt jealous that you had helped the family for so many years and might be your parents might have praised you to her and made her resent.
Click to expand...

Nope umlaut it was more of trusting the new guy over her own sister, so that sister would be driven in right path (LOL) -they thought he was a gem of a guy. After reading the OPs post yest, i was so angry on my sis like hell.

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