Strained relations with mom..

Riya dear...First let me offer a warm hug to you. You have been through much, and I don't know if I will have very sound advice for you, but here are my thoughts anyway...

The first thing that got me from your OP was that your mom had been physically abusive. I feel sick whenever I think about parents who can do that to their own kids. Sometimes I am moved to think that these 'toxic parents' are sort of caught up in their own trap, a circle of illogical behavior that they feel is the right approach to reach their goal of being an 'ideal parent' - only their perception remains theirs alone and the child does not share it. In most cases however, parents abusing kids is tantamount to berating a little sapling even before it has formed its roots. Just plain unpardonable.

But the story of your mom's tyranny does not appear to end there. It was a beginning more or less, the physical beatings. I think she appears to be a cold, manipulative control freak for whom her career, her friends, 'her' feelings, her self-respect were always primary, even if it means hurting her own kids. I just fail to understand her lack of coherent thinking, especially when she could be so insensitive to her daughter's feelings, in terms of your love life, and then the marriage fiasco.

Riya, the point is people like her are tuned to believe that their way is the RIGHT way. It's how their mind works, and needless to say it's not your fault she is programmed this way. In the end, you must not have to fight her wars period. SHE is responsible for her actions inasmuch as it concerns her, but when the line of outcome reaches you feel free to react in kind. Not saying you must follow her approach, but I think in your case I would say that the farther you are from her the better. This does not mean only in terms of physical distance, but also emotional. Consider her say in your marriage to be null. No second thoughts. Only then can you work on your marriage. By this I mean that you must re-establish the lost relationship with ILs and most importantly with DH. This is necessary if you harbour any notions of staying in this marriage.

Of course how you will accomplish that in your marriage in a million dollar question. But I think now that you have ascertained that she has sown the seeds of distrust in your marital life, you are better placed to create a Plan B, and have essentially won half the battle. Take this one step at a time, and sooner or later you will figure your way. Good luck girl!

 

dear riya

i feel for u dear and knw exactly wht ur goin thru.

my story id more or less similar to urs.
im the elder daughter to my parents and i have a younger sister.my mother for sme reason never liked me frm childhood.she always had a soft corner for my sister.whnever i used to ask her she used to say that my sister is slow.
dad used to love me more but he is very short tempered and always used to belt me,and once he starts beating itl go on for for 10-15 min non-stop till he is satisfied.mom nevr stopped him evn once and wud just sit nd watch.

u wont beleive that i got my 1st beating with an electric wire when i was
3 yrs old cos i didnt drink milk(i dnt like milk till date).
mind u tht both my parents are well educated and in good jobs.

nyway this continued till i was 16yrs and as i started growing older the physical abuse(belting to be precise) came with verbal abuse and insults and always throwing me out of the house and making me kneel for hrs togther near the main gate.(i can write a book on only the types of punishments)
and all these punishments were for not eating properly,eating guavas,complaints in school tht im talkative.

whn i used to ask my mom y she never stops my dad she says bcos she doesnt want to becum bad to my father.
this continued till i got married 6 yrs back and she has not given me nything aftr marriage but she keeps buying my sister things.

when i asked her once y u never buy she says bcos i have ethn(i got married to a very rich guy),she never calls me for mnths togther if i dnt call , whn i ask her y she says bcos she knws im happy?!?!? - wht can i reply to such a statement???

i go to india and spend 1000's of rs on her and do ethn possible just to win her love.but i realised only last yr that she has been manipulating my father and turning him against me.
last yr i had to return back home due some visa prbs and nd couldnt stay with my hubby. at that time one day she &my sister told smthing to my dad on me which i dont knw till date and my father as usual asked me to ''get out of the house'' (for the 1000th time) and this time i packed my bags and left in the night and none of them even stopped me.

i stayed in a friends house and the miracle is that the very same day they threw me out of the house the visa rules in dubai changed and my hubby came and took me to his parents place and we went back to dubai together.

its been more than 7 mnths and we havent called them and neither have they. (my hubby has given me strict instructions not to keep with them nymore and im also fed up&disgusted)

and in all these tensions frm childhood i thought ill get married and escape them, by gods grace i got a w'ful hubby who compensates for all the love i lost.
just whn i began to think that life is good we've been diagonised with infertility.
smetimes i dont understand what is the purpose of my life.im widout parents,siblings and now no kids.
im a total failure.

 

And the very step in that is providing information...or lack of information.

Tell her only those things she absolutely needs to know, no more, no less. It is a hard thing to do, and she might give you grief on not telling here everything, but stand firm......in fact tell her, that everything in your life is out of bounds to her, you will decide what she has access to.

As time goes by, you will see that her influence in your life and her knowledge of your life are minor...and that will help heal you and give you some very needed peace of mind.

((((hugs))))

 

Sasha,

What makes you think that way.Kids and everything part of life but it's not total life.
Did you thought about adopting.it's wonderful thing to do.I am pretty sure,you would get kids but in case you also need to open for adoption.
There won't be any difference between the own kid and adpoting kids.Kid is Kid.
Don't think it's a failure.Never ever go back to your father and mother.It doesnt sound like they are mother and father.They are total abusers.
Keep good Spirit,surely you will see more happiness in life.

 

hi priya16

thnk u so much for ur thoughts dear.i felt really gud seeing a response.
ive never been able to share my prbs with nyone,im so glad to hve found this forum.

about adoption tht has alwys been my dream,even before marriage.i always wanted to adopt 1 kid along wid my own kids.i will do it one day hopefully with my own kids.

about my parents ur right , ive decided never again to keep with them unless they really repent.

thnk u once again for ur encouraging words..god bless

 

hi priya

just wanted to tell u tht ive started my treatments and i had my 1st IUI last month which was not successful .

this month have done my 2nd IUI, hoping for smthn positive.

please do pray for me.

thnx

 

sasha,

I thought of responding earlier,since it's not your post and according to forum rules we shouldn't divert the thread.Sure,I will keep in my prayers.Be positive and you can acheive anything.I have seen many women who went though IVFS with positive outlook and they successed.
All the best dear!!!

 

riya

ur absolutely right about the word 'narcissitic'. my mom fits into this description perfectly.
and the worst part is tht no one will believe or understand if we tell thm this problem.they'll think wht kind of a girl is she talkn bad about her own parents.
its really frustrating whn ur not able to share it wid nyone.

and regarding falling sick i was also in the same situation like urs couple of times and my mom wud nevr even bother to ask if im better or not.
and if i ask her y u dnt bother she says its not important to tell directly whole day i was praying for u!!! (my mom has an answer for everything and then i have to just shut my mouth aftr tht),
its very difficult to argue wid her and incase she doesnt hve an answer she'll accuse me of finding faults nd fighting wid her and goes and tells my dad the same.

im just fed up wid both of them and i only pray to God to help me forget them asap and live my life quietly away frm them physically and emotionally.

regarding kids - i do agree wid priya&u about adoption.
but right now im taking treatment so kindly remember me in ur prayers. and hope to get a +ve pregnancy news this month.

riya,im glad ur taking measures to rebuild ur life and self-esteem and ill def pray to god tht u succeed and live the life u alwys wanted.

god bless u guys