Strained relations with mom..

Riya

It is not wrong or abnormal for you to expect and want love and affection from your mother. I understand firsthand how hard this is for you. We are, as children, completely at the mercy of our parents. To have our thoughts, actions, and feelings shaped by people who do not properly perform their duties as our primary caregivers can have a long-lasting, if not permanent, adverse affect on us.

Healthy self-esteem is something that is hard to develop or maintain in the face of lifelong emotional abuse. I would strongly advise seeking some kind of professional help. If you are uncomfortable talking to someone about this, you can consult online resources or books. A book I personally have found very helpful in dealing with these same issues is

Amazon.com: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (9780553284348): Susan Forward: Books

You already show an amazing amount of insight into her behaviour towards you, and how it is damaging. You realise you may have to cut ties with her, if only temporarily, to work on reclaiming your life. This means you are already on the right track. You may spend the rest of your life still wishing that one day, she will show remorse, understand what she has done to you, and apologise. That is okay. However, while you are waiting for this, don't neglect yourself, and your own needs.

One of the most important things you can do for yourself (or get some therapy to help you do) is get out of the cycle of negative thoughts. For example, stop telling yourself your career has been a big failure. Many women have left their jobs to tend to their domestic responsibilities. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

What you are doing is berating yourself in exactly the same way your mother has done to you for many years. You have internalised her voice - this means that even though she is not really speaking to you, she is speaking from within you. To help get rid of this programming, you might consider seeking a replacement mentor. If there is an older woman in your life, whom you look up to and respect (relative, friend, ex-colleague or boss), and who likes and respects you, try setting aside some time every week or month to meet with her.

You don't necessarily have to discuss your issues about your mother with this woman. However, it might help to chat with her, tell her your hopes and dreams, go to the movies or to a restaurant with her, or something like that. She can't replace your mother, but perhaps she can help you to express that part of yourself that longs for support from an older female figure.

A shattered self-esteem, as you put it, is a completely curable condition. Believe in yourself - start by investing in your recovery. Buy the book, book a therapy session, seek out that older female figure. These are just suggestions. You know yourself better, and may have even more effective ideas that work for you.

I think you're going to be okay

 

Riya,

Your story is similar to mine except my mom doesn't beat me up and also I had someone to support me when my mom was not there for me.

You should seriously think about your relationship with your mom....Since you are married you can avoid talking to her. Why do you give chance to her to interfere in your personal life now? I can very well understand how it pains esp when 'mom' doesn't accept you. But sometimes we need to accept the hard fact and move on with life.

Hope you become strong and live your own life.

Take care!

 

Not Maybe but It is abuse. There is nothing wrong in you trying to look for a mum in her and that is natural for any kid. But she has consistently failed to be one and nor has she shown capability to be one. Your mum should be glad she is in India because in most countries in the west, she'd be locked up in the gaol for physical and psychological child abuse.

Riya, I think its time for you to move on and leave your mum behind as she has shown no inclination or demonstrated any capability to be a mum all this while. Live life as you see fit and maybe get some professional help, if you think that will help you get past this. You are an adult now and you don't have to live by her standards anymore and nor are you obligated to please her either. Enough of her psychotic interludes. She should be glad that you are even talking to her because if it were me and went thru all that abuse, I'd disown her in a heartbeat. I have no use for an abusive parent who was not there for me when I needed them in life and continues to make my life unbearable with her demented ways of mind.

 

Riya my hugs to you.. I too never had a lovey dovey mom but a very strict one.. she never raised her voice or hand but then her eyes expressed if she was unhappy.

Also me and bro weren't one of those very obidient child who would sit & stand on simple instructions or stars but did give them a tuff time due to my tomboyish attitude... also in that generation corporal punishment was MUST for kids like me n bro & we used to get silent treatment. If they would pack me and bro as punishment into dark storeroom we used to turn that place also into a thunder zone.
My bro was highly intutive and he would light up something in that room even if it was on cost of bruning up something.. .sometimes we were found hanging upside down on a tree or remote part of building... which can send chills down for any parent despite best of their control mechanisms. WE LOVED TO BREAK RULES.

I remember getting 3-4 tight slaps throughout life & there were several sit UP-DOWN holding ears... and btw each other's and then also we wud end up pulling and giving hard time to parents :bonk.

Their life was an open book to us but both of us were a mystery to them, hence in my opinion I wont blame my parents for whatever they did cos that was acceptable at that time & we really tested their patience. Our parents also chased us for good grades & I owe my achievements to them for this reason... had they been a very easy parent, I would have never known to dig my way out in academics & work. Also they were prone to drawing comparisions.. but then as bro n sis it rarely effected us.. we just knew they're from previous gen & turning old.

Now times have changed & also my DH had no pressurised upbringing & he's made sure that I wont impose anything on my kids & am more than fine with it... as of now only time when I cant control myself is when they throw up for no reason.

 

A child should never feel defenseless against their own parent or fear them. Parent/Child relationship is not the one between Genghis Khan and the tribe he just conquered. All those things like protecting you, paying your school fee etc and giving you shelter is not favours they are doing you but it is their parental responsibility and the best a child can do is understand what their parents do for them and act responsibly and make them feel like their efforts are worth it and that should come from your side not accomplished by force or coercion by the parent. If they did not want to sign up for all those responsibilities and parental duties, then they should have thought about having a child in the first place.

What abusive parents never think about or realize is, their child will not be a child all their life and one day they will grow up and everything you did in the past to make the child defenseless and fearful, will come to haunt you. I am sorry but I do not have an iota of sympathy for abusive parents and they deserve everything that is coming to them. And I fully support societies like ours which prosecutes them and lock them up in a cage if needed.

Yeah you need to move on and have your own life unencumbered by your mum's unreasonable demands and psychotic possessive behaviour to control every aspect of your life. It sounds like the other family members did not make life easier for you either taking your mum's demented side and supporting her lunacy as parenting. Whether you were forced to accept all the lunacy then or not, you certainly do not have to now and you should not. You will do fine in life Riya and just learn to ignore people who were not of much use to you in the past and made life difficult and sever the emotional ties with them. Good luck and best wishes to you.

 

Riya,

Diplomacy is the keyword.

In an ideal world, we should be using diplomacy when dealing with outsiders but not family. But its unfortunate that sometimes parents don't really accept the children for what they are and instead concentrate on their short-comings.

Be diplomatic with your mom. This might make you feel that you are not being your true self with your mom. But that's ok. Because some people can not see the good when you are being straight-forward. But when you present the same thing in a diplomatic way, in a way they like, they will appreciate it.

Your mom's behavior towards you is negative. But she must have a real positive attitude towards someone else. Maybe your brother or a relative. See how they handle your mom. Observe and try to understand what makes your mom behave positively towards them. Once you find that key point which makes your mom's attitude positive, use it.

Keep the past under wraps for now.. like the way she behaved when you were in school or college. It still hurts, but you can not change the past. So leave it in the past. Take each day at a time, in the present, and be diplomatic. She will change.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Keep trying. Good Luck! :thumbsup

 

I am still finding the way to come out of it. I went for counselling session before and felt better. Again now I feel depressed. As you pointed out, the negativity instilled in the young age is killing me. I sometimes become strong and take decisions but doesn't last long. I still don't know what I really want in my life?! My mom decides for me. Life goes on and on.

Only thing I can say you is 'Be strong' and try to come out of it.

 

Riya, the event you have related above is just awful - this, taken together with how your mother has ill-treated your grandmother, and everything else, seems proof enough to me she is sly, manipulative, and cruel. She will use people as she sees fit (you as a punching bag, your grandmother as a maid) and cosy up to those who can be of help (your brother, which has financial benefits for her). As much of all of this is true, it still pains me, as it must pain you immensely, to say this of someone's mother.

If you can establish in your own mind that she is not a very pleasant person, without you feeling any guilt or shame (it is not your fault she is that way), that should start you on the road to recovery. It doesn't sound to me like you have much support from your in-laws or husband. I hope I am wrong. Even if it is true, I think you have the inner strength to heal yourself with the help of external support (therapy, books, support group, etc.).

One other measure which has helped me immensely is the birth of my own child. I think you mentioned you have children. Since you had in your own upbringing such a fine example of WHAT NOT to do, try to put in as much time and energy in consciously raising your children the right way. Lavish as much praise, positive reinforcement in other forms, love, attention, affection and support on your children as you can.

One of the best ways to heal ourselves is to give what we need the most to others (as long as they are deserving). I am quite certain that this will provide you with some of the catharsis you need. Remember how you were treated, and do the opposite for your children. As an extension of this, you can also reach out to old age homes, animal shelters, etc, for some volunteer work. Giving the love we never got works wonders in setting things right again. Just don't go wasting your precious energy on those who don't deserve it