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Strained relations with mom..

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by riya123, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi IndusLadies,
    Cheers to all the good work going on here.. Your advises are truly very helpful..
    I need advise on one aspect of my life which is irking me since a long time..
    I dont know where to start.. I have very bad relation with my mom..
    Here is a brief background-
    Mom had very high expectations from me and zero support.. High expectations meaning to top the class all the time.. This expectation later on during secondary ed., became very stressful on me.. But some how manange to be in best engg. college and secure decent score and a job in MNC..
    She used to beat me (beating was till 7th grade) if i couldn't get first rank in the class and say that it is a shame to have a daughter like me.. That i have failed to show gratitude to my and parents and make them proud.. It was better if i was not born to them.. This put a lot of pressure on me, at some point i was hating myself to not live upto my parent's expectation.. I couldn't top the class all the time..
    But then her side of the explaination was because he used to beat me (she said some sanskrit sloka) I was able to get into a top ranked engg. college.. She used to proudly boast of the kind of college i was studying to friends and relatives..
    During the final year engg., i had got placed in an MNC and had further plans to study MS.. She fixed my marriage and things changed a lot after marriage.. In-laws were very hostile and did everything to prove i'm useless.. Husband is emotionally unavailable to me..
    To add to the problems she ridiculed my FIL and MIL for not being as educated and wealthy as them.. All that backlashed on me after marriage..
    After marriage when i was working, she used to compare me with my brother, as he used to get home more expensive gifts.. She used to openly tell in front of everyone that i always got cheap gifts for her..
    For some time she used to babysit my son, that also she put it in such a manner that i was using her free of cost.. So, i put him in a daycare, she said i separated her grandson from her.. Finally i resigned as it was too difficult to manage my job and the child with zero support from hubby..
    When i resigned, she said i was incapable of surviving in a competitive MNC world and all her efforts didn't bear any fruit..
    She was too interfering even in financial matters, like i had to invest my earnings where she wanted me to invest.. She kept track of my bank balance..
    There were several occasions where she has bitched about me to my brother, tried to isolate me from my friends, sparked off fights between me and my dad..
    All i want to know is what is the motive behind such beahvior from her end, have i indirectly hurt her or is she too materialistic.. I dont know how to deal with her..
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    riya123,

    Not all the mothers have maturity to raise the kids in good way.
    Some mothers are really immature and I beleive your mom kind of one.
    In india lot of parents push and push kids to any one to get good grades.We can't help it.I think because of the indian population and the hardship parents went through,so they wish kids to have good life and act that way.
    After marraige,why are still posting with all your information.If you dont' share your personal bank account how she is going to know?
    After marraige episode ,I beleive you have control and you can control.Reduce the calls and reduce the information you share with her.
    You can't change her ,only you can change the pattern how you communicate with her.
    The relations are very complicated sometimes. Typically fathers are more attached to girl and some mom's since they don't get that emotional connection from their husband then they feel possessive if father get attached to girl more.
    So from now,reduce the calls and dont' share all the information and she may understand eventually that you are not interested any more of her business.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Riya

    I won't mince words - I'm sure many other ILites will take more time and patience than I will to explain things in a more subtle and caring ways in the posts that are sure to follow mine. I am sorry if it hurts you to hear this, but in my opinion, based on what you have written here, your mother is a manipulative, cruel, superficial, and opportunistic emotional and physical child abuser.

    This is child abuse. I have heard some misguided explanations for this sort of behaviour as "cultural" or 'traditional" or "common practice" - this still doesn't change the fact that it is child abuse. Putting a religious spin on it (chanting the slokas - I'm not sure if I am understanding you correctly here) just make it more perverse and unacceptable, not less.

    Who knows what makes a bad mother a bad mother? You could ask her, but I wonder if you'll ever get a satisfactory explanation. From what you say of her, she doesn't sound all that mentally and emotionally stable. People like that rarely have enough insight and awareness into their own character and motivations to understand themselves, let alone explain it to someone else. While I hope you do find an answer some day, be prepared for the eventuality that you never will.

    However, this should not stop you from getting on with your life. It seems you have allowed your mother to direct and dominate every part of your life so far. I think it's time to start living for yourself, and not her approval and affection. You may never get that no matter how many hoops you jump through for her.

    Decide whether she is the expert on your earnings, your career, your investments, your in-laws, your husband, or whether you are. Whether you have hurt her or not, whether she is materialistic or not, is not really the point here. Think a little more about yourself (and give yourself a little more credit), and not so much about her. We all would ideally like to have story-book and fairy-tale perfect relationships with the important people in our lives. When that doesn't materialise, there comes a time when you have to cut your losses and move on.

    It might be worth it to work on this relationship, but my feeling is you should work on you first. Become strong, independent, and more confident in your own abilities without needing your mother's stamp of approval for everything. Although many people don't seem to realise it, parents are not always (or ever) perfect. And when faced with a mother who is as imperfect as yours, it can be hard to face facts. But it seems to me that your figuring out how to deal with her successfully would necessitate keeping your distance from her, and drawing some firm boundaries.

    My only concern here is you, and your welfare. So I'm not going to make excuses for your mother's behaviour or try and figure out what problems she had/has that made/makes her act this way. Adults should solve their problems, and not foist them onto their children. For your own good, then, don't feel guilty for what has happened between you, and don't buy into the propaganda about parents being a sacred and unassailable institution.

    You have my best wishes for moving forward into a life that is your own, where you make and enjoy your own health, success and happiness. Best of luck!
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2010
    sindmani likes this.
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Riya,
    First of all hugs and love to you. Please do not try to live upto anybody's expectations.

    In india parents push on their kids and they think thats the right way to do things( which I totally disagree). Mothers in their good sense make this mistake and ruin a child's life.

    Please put together your life. You are a good and brilliant young girl.Continue your job and get some help from someone.Hire a full time nanny at home.

    Don't worry if you ignore her she will not interfere.People can only interfere to an extent that you let them.

    good Luck
     
  5. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    You are an adult. You are well-educated, have the ability to be a financially independent and have a husband and kid.

    Why do you still need your moms approval when you know that she is unreasonable?
     
  6. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    Riya

    I could not agree more with what Ansuya said. Your mum is a child abuser who not only abused you physically but also psychologically and emotionally. Saying nasty things like 'You are not my daughter' etc for something like not finishing first in your class is just cruel, psychotic and 100% psychological abuse.

    You should start living life for yourself and ignore what your mother says or thinks about you. Afterall she was a piss poor excuse for a mum and none of her parenting was beneficial to you except to shatter your confidence and make you a nervous wreck. It would be much easier if you realize she was not right then and she is not right now either so you start doing things the way you feel that will make you happy in life.

    I probably maybe in the minority here along with Ansuya, to condemn your mum's parenting methods as abusive but c'est la vie. The sooner you realize she was a bad parent who did not help you much while you were growing up or not now either and was wrong all along, the better off you are to lead your life in the way you see fit not aiming to please your mum. It may sound harsh and probably goes against the parenting tenets of majority here but that is the sad truth.

    Cheers
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Riya, when I first read your post, I didn't want to respond because I was afraid I might write something like Ansuya did and hurt your feelings. But in all honesty, the quote Ansuya wrote above was EXACTLY what I was thinking and wanted to write to you.

    The thing with abusers is.... us non abusers will never really understand them. And hence, we are left living a puzzled life wondering what we did wrong. That's part of their allure, Riya... they abuse, and then we keep coming back to them to try and figure them out or win their approval. But that's not healthy for us! If somebody is a 'toxic' influence on your life Riya... there is NOTHING to be gained by hanging on to them. Stop wondering 'why' your mother is the way she is. There is no logical answer other than she is a bad parent. Yes, bad parents are common, and they appear in every society and in every culture of the world. Some parents.... just don't have a clue. My mil thought it was appropriate to let my infant dh cry in his crib at night while 'the family dog' attended to him. There is no way to explain that kind of crap... so instead of bogging your mind with it... assert your boundaries and don't let her (or anyone else) cross them no matter what. You need to make your mom realize that you are no longer the small child she was able to beat in the past... that you are now a strong adult woman who knows the difference between 'right and wrong' and won't tolerate any more wrongs being done. You deserve better than this.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Riya

    During your child hood you might have wondered why she is so hard on you?? growing up you might have tried your best to do what you can to please her...in every aspect that she was expecting...but after marriage, now that you have a kid, are you not seeing the diff. b/w your parenting style and your moms? Isnt it ringing bells to you that she was not good to you? that you were emotionally abused?

    When it comes to inlaws we visualize this abuse so easily..but when it comes to parents why do we ignore it? why do we want to understand this abusive behaviour and take it and accept it?? Is it becuase they are our parents??

    Hightime, STOP pleasing her. Mind your business. Next time she throws any tantrums or unnecessary comments or comparisons say that you know what you are and can do what you can! You are a human being and not a god like her (On a sarcastic tone).

    I agree its hard to accept that the one whom we love the most when they hurt us we dont know where to go...if our own mom acts like this..where else do we go??? but when we face such situations..ACCEPT it and move forward rather than resist it and try to fix it...Your mom wont change her behaviour or attitude at this age of hers.If you keep looking at her for support...you wont get any..you know that..

    So cut off those emotional strings with her. If you haveto talk to her or do anything for her, do it as part of responsibility. Be there ...but do not expect her to change or show any remorse or understand how much pain she inflicted on you...she wont and she cant.

    Move forward in your life by taking these learnings and give the best childhood possible for your kid. Also anytime if your mom points out your inlaws or husband just tell her to mind her own business as you dont like to listen any comments about your family (i.e husband and inlaws..) they are what they are and just like your mom they are also human beings...and leave it there..

    Might be time for you to be tough and handle it more practically than emotionally.
     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks to all of you for the soothing and supportive words..
    @Anasuya - Yes, i have to move on with life.. But this kind of a behavior has shattered my self esteem to a great extent..
    You have interpreted that correctly.. She used to say the sloka to justify her act of beating me.. The sloka actually meant - 'It is ok to beat children, if it can do good to them'.
    @Foundlove , @ Beeamma, @priya16 - Thanks for the replies..
    @Malvika , @ASG , @Srividya - May be this is abuse.. But i have always tried to look for a mother in her.. Everytime i have only got dissappointed by her.. You know, I dont get hurt if my in-laws or anyone else behaves badly with me.. But i get hurt when my own mom behaves like this..
    She will never have any remorse for inflicting that kind of pain in me.. She has emotionally blackmailed me all the time.. It is high time , i should cut the chord with her and learn to be independent.. I guess, she would never realise her methods were wrong.. Rather she would always look at her daughter to be inadequate to meet her expectations.. My career has been a big failure.. I could not focus, as i got lost trying to figure out how to manage my child, mom, in-laws, husband..
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Riya

    You know she wouldnt change and why even expect her to change. You have realised that her behaviour is wrong and that you have been affected so take steps so that you can move forward with no influence of her on you.

    As far as success is concerned, dont try to please any of them..your mom /husband/inlaws/child..ask yourselfwhat you want todo? what areyour interests, what makesyou happy, pick up that job,that activity and do the best you can. Finally when youare happy, you would be confident, and lot of people will shutup when they see confident woman:ideaso, work on building your confidence and capabilities. STOP looking back and STOP analyzing on what all happened in the past. Past is past no one can change it, but it has left a scar and bad influence on you, so work on your own self to remove that TAN off your skin so that you can shine.

    You can do it, just that you have to start some where...Think about it
     
    sindmani likes this.

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