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Still anyone follow this customs in your house?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anu1122, Sep 8, 2014.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I had in mind OP's situation where she was visiting and FIL said that about sitting, so I mentioned some of the customs we go along with. In my home, whether it is just us or we are living with either set of parents, no way will any such customs be followed.

    Not only is it cute, it makes him more attractive - both to me and the rest of the observers. Ha ha! :) Actually, it is older female relatives, not just elderly. But let's leave those details alone. Cute it is. :)
     
  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, let's say there is an Indian couple living abroad, in a traditional part of the U.S. This couple entertains white friends and colleagues at home, and they have formal dinners that follow intricate Southern etiquette.

    It is the practice for men at the dinner table to rise if a woman leaves the table, even temporarily, like for the bathroom. Here's a funny write-up on this practice.

    So, let's say this is the practice, and this Indian couple also follow it. The man or the woman's parents are visiting from India. The visiting father is not able to understand why he should rise when a twenty-something woman leaves the table to go to the bathroom (after imbibing alcohol in front of him and loudly saying cheers while doing so, and that too she is wearing a teeny-tiny little black dress).

    Should this visiting father go along with this quaint and decidedly sexist "all men rise" custom, or should he put his foot (and butt) down and refuse to rise? :)
     
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  3. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi sdiva20,

    I am sorry if I offended you. That was not my intention.

    Good to hear you have decent ILs and DH.

    I am against this practice just like you, as you can make out from my earlier posts. I agree with you that we should not tolerate mistreatment.

    But there are gentler more pleasant ways of dealing with the situation. The way you responded seemed very rude. I did not like it and I would never speak like that. It takes tact and understanding to make your point heard.

    I would do as they asked the first time. Later, when we were alone, I would tell them respectfully that we do not follow such practices at our home, and I am not comfortable with it. Could they not do it again?

    Perhaps you have been lucky and never experienced these things, but when one goes through it, one should react in a dignified way. There will be no bad feelings and the problem will be resolved.

    Just think this is a nicer way of achieving the same result.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2014
  4. anu1122

    anu1122 New IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone.

    Good question Rihana.:) At that point visiting father can make his own decision and couple should not ask their father to follow that custom.

    I respect all the customs and I am ready to follow their customs, when I stay in their house. At the same time I want them to treat me as a human being. When they were here, they didn’t treat me as a human then why should I follow?
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2014
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  5. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    You did not offend me and there is no need to apologize either.

    But what makes you think you know how I deal with any situation? What was so rude about my response? All I said is I was in such situation (politely- if that makes you happy) ask why I should get up. I would mention if others are uncomfortable (assuming SIL is..), they should find a more comfortable place. But I am comfortable here and staying put. That would be my response. Simply put the request is not made because the SIL is an invalid (in which case if one did not get up it will be rude) but to prove the superiority if the SIL in the family hierarchy. I will not be okay with that.

    Using logic, if FIL made that request and most likely he is someone in 60's, should know how inappropriate (not to mention discriminatory) such request is. So if he knows that, he does not care of he insults his DIL as long as he please his SIL. Under such circumstances, I have the right to not let someone insult me.

    It is not luck which had not placed me in such situation. It is my choices. Everyone has that choice so I an asking other ladies to exercise such choice and stand up for their dignity.

    I like how none of these regressive customs disadvantage the men....only women.

    My dear nb25- you be diplomatic and follow what makes you comfortable. I am sure your diplomacy will help you in dealing with your IL's.

     
  6. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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    Well said!!
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Sdiva, I like to read your opinion in threads. So asking the following, but question is for anyone reading thread.

    We have some customs still followed that can be lumped under the "Ladies first" category, and which include a man standing up when a woman walks in, and other small gender related courtesies. Let's call these small acts of chivalry. I also am old-fashioned and appreciate the man should rise custom.

    So, is it that discriminatory if a certain courtesy is accorded to the son-in-law?

    Why do we view the men should rise custom as quaint and cute, but view the not sit in the presence of son-in-law as so wrong.

    Note that I am NOT saying the FIL's restrictions and rules are acceptable, but am asking how is that different from men rising and other gender related courtesies expected of men.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not so straight-forward. The son-in-law might not even be aware of the rule. And, if he himself addresses the woman or FIL about it, it could be misconstrued in some households. It could also create more trouble for the woman.

    If the son-in-law has enough rapport and informality with the family, he might be able to do it. But, if he doesn't or just pretends to not notice what is happening, it does not make him a bad person.

    Life would be much simpler if people stopped treating human beings as God or Goddess. And respect was earned, not required based on age and relationship.
     
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  9. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    sdiva20,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I am not saying I know how you deal with the situation. You only said you would deal with the situation that way. The way you said it seems rude.

    I don't think ILs would put up with anyone being rude to them in their own house.

    Anyway, in your later post, you said you do not react like that. You have loving ILs and DH, and they do not have such unreasonable expectations from you. So that is nice.

    ILs behavior is completely inappropriate. We should stand up to it. But arguing with ILs in front of SIL does not seem good. I understand you want to be respected, but what about ILs? Do they not have the same expectations from you? Maybe they just did not realize they hurt you. Why argue in front of their SIL? Would they like that? Can't you stand up to them in a mature way? That is all I am saying. I would just do as they say. Later, when alone, I would tell them I feel disrespected this way. They will see my point.

    I hope you understand I am just saying this on the basis your earlier post. Please don't take it personally. If you feel I have misinterpreted you, my apologies.
     
  10. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    replied to wrong post
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2014

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