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Spouse And Grief Support

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by winterhue, Jan 17, 2020.

  1. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Silver IL'ite

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    First of all, your situation is not something to be dismissed. It is indeed very traumatic and very concerning. You should definitely talk to a counsellor, please take care. I think as women, we have more to hide than speak. My MIL passed away a year and a half ago. I don't know how much DH is affected by it. He never opened up to me except for the first one month after her death. I wonder if men deal with it better or they take it out elsewhere. To me it sounds bad because mother is usually the first person a woman turns to, to discuss or vent. I hope you find someone to get it all out.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Therapist first. Check your insurance for changes due to the new year, and start calling therapists now. Professional help cannot wait till you win the inner battle and become stronger. Now, when you are in a slightly better position than totally overwhelmed is the time to seriously work on seeing therapist again.

    I've been reading the thread, and so many wonderful responses. I am sorry you have been through this and handling it for three years and maybe even since before that. Your posts before this thread always gave the image of someone sure of herself and who has her act together. When such members post a thread like this, we are again reminded of how fragile we all really are or can be.

    About (re)-establishing emotional connection with husband and getting him to be there for you - work on it and try it. But, only as much as you can and until it helps you. A person or couple can deal with a set of problems over the years - sickness, parent's sickness, unable to physically take care of parent, job loss, infertility, loss of job, workplace politics, bad investments, child's health, child's behavioral issues, and so on. It is nice but not necessary that the husband or wife has to be the main emotional support for the person going through the problem. Sometimes you have to do without much understanding from the spouse or give a list of small steps that the clueless but somewhat willing to help spouse can implement. It can feel like yourself blowing air into the car's airbag to prepare for each impact. : )
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2020
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  3. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the thoughtful reply Rihana. Yes, Therapist first. Appointment fixed for this Friday.

    You are right , in my own eyes too - I seem to have my act together. I mean, I am able to focus on my career and am doing well there , I have no problems in the normal day to day life , we take vacations, kids are fed/clothed and seem to be doing OK too. Overall, externally I am very "together". Only I know that there is a huge hole somewhere - so if I could articulate that to my therapist, I think it is a good start . Like you rightly mentioned, all the members here gave me such warm responses that I no longer feel lost.

    Loved the airbag analogy. Perfect.
     
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  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I think we all have genetically carry these different physical/psychological health issues, which are in not active stage first.
    But triggered when our body goes weak for physical/ stress and emotional pain and no support to share etc triggers psychological issues and will start show symptoms and gradually became a chronic issues, if we carry that genes in us.

    I would suggest watch this to understand your mom better what she went through, may help you as a closure.


    And couple of European movies I watched, out of no where suddenly how they feel suicidal.
    I am Sorry if I hurt you in anyway with this post. Ps look in all angels.
     
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  5. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    You didnt hurt me at all KashmirFlower. Thank you so much for sharing this!
     
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  6. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    I read the answer, all are well thought responses.

    You said that you were 'friends' with your husband, in the early years, that's a good point. He definitely supports you in your parenting while balancing your work and home- this is a big +ve. You must have so many good memories in your marriage. You have had a very good healthy marriage till now.
    IT hurts when your spouse is oblivious to your sufferings. But I would say, let this one go.
    Don't think if he did it on purpose, if to hurt you, or to ignore you? Leave the why etc
    for this behavior, and tell yourself (when looking at him) "he is doing his best".

    Take care of yourself.

    But let this -ve point in your marriage go, since you have so +ve all ready built over the years.
     
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  7. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Thank Hermitcrab. You used the word "healthy" , I use the word "operational partnership". We are perfect partners - he is supportive of my career, gives me space, I support him in his interests, we dont nag each other much , we are always available for our kids and if one of us isnt there, the other makes sure to take over . We have our fair share of in-law dramas , he isn't supportive of me there at all.But I have learn to deal with my MIL by myself and the main point is that I have stopped expecting my husband's support in matters regarding MIL anymore, BUT it took me a long time to get there . Maybe, in this grief issue too - I may have to follow that route - with a therapist and help from venting here in IL, chart my own recovery path.
     
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