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Spouse And Grief Support

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by winterhue, Jan 17, 2020.

  1. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Malstrom,lavani,Amica,SGBV,Roar, Ashneys - thank you for all the soothing words and suggestions . So much makes sense when it comes from others . I feel a lot less "lost " right now.
    @ashneys - Thank you for the suggestion of reaching out to the colleague's wife. I never even thought of it. I'll definitely try that.
    The relationship between dad, me and sis is very complex - I think mom was the one glue that was holding all of us and the loss of that glue has made it all fall apart. I dont blame anyone - all of us are equally responsible for it, but long story (really long) short, I cannot open up to my sister or my dad. I need to first win my inner battle, and I think I need to grow some spine and get myself to a therapist again. I appreciate all of your support!Truly!
     
    yellowmango and kaluputti like this.
  2. kaluputti

    kaluputti Gold IL'ite

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    We need to understand and respect why in our culture, we mourn for 10 days with rituals and on the 13 th the ritual is to send the departed soul with food etc., and make a feast and come to term with the loss among the family and friends. With the globalisation and people spread all over the world, it has become next to impossible. I feel that when there are unwated and unnecessary social media groups for petty matters, we can form a temperory mourning group where we can share our grief. Another thigs is, that not many men are sentimental at least not when it doesnt come to their own, so expecting support from them if futile.As someone said we have raise ourselves by own effort and that is not an impossibility, since who knows our inner being so well as ourselves? Now you see there are so many friends here to help you instead of one?
     
    hermitcrab and winterhue like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Just do it.
    Scream it out to him.
    If he tells you to' not think about it'...tell him to atleast stop saying that if he can't help .

    That will help you.
    You are dealing with depression which is hard enough. You shouldn't have to deal with his apathy . In this age,lack of information is no excuse . This is not the nineties. Everyone should be aware of mental health problems.

    Get him information on mental health problems and keep it around for him to read.

    Do whatever it takes op. If not your partner,get friends to talk about this .
    No body should have to deal with depression alone .

    Please continue with therapy .

    Best wishes op.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2020
    startinganew likes this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op ,you need to open up with the therapists. They are your safe place to unload. They are trained to listen to all kinds of things without judging .
    A lot of therapy is also about being able to unload the mind.
    You need to do that .
    Try it and see if that helps.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...14 years is long but not so long.
    You are in an ackward stage when you are not any longer in the honeymoon stage, extremely busy in life and not yet in the 'soulmates ' stage .

    This stage needs work . You need to talk to him. No need to tell him about family dynamics if you don't want . Keep that forcthe therapist.
    But talk to him about how you miss your mom and tell him what you need from him .
    Tell him you want him to ask you how you feel and you want to be hugged .
    Tell him you need to just cry it out on his shoulders even if he does not understand why because it will help you .

    You need to talk op...people are not mind readers . Help him understand what you want.

    But talk when he can listen . Take him out for a walk or on a coffee date or dinner at a quiet place and tell him you need to talk .
    Tell him you need to talk to him about your feelings. If he is uncomfortable with the word depression for now....don't use that,talk about feeling.
    Let him know you have been talking to therapists and you need his help to deal with your feelings.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    Reading through your other posts, I feel like you are deliberately hiding things from the outside. Perhaps, you are worried about being judged. Perhaps, you don't want others to know your exact problems - which involves your siblings and parents. That's why, you chose to discuss certain matters ONLY, and expect others to show empathy on your situation.
    Sadly, others know ONLY what you shared with them. And perhaps, given the little info, they don't find anything serious for you to worry much.

    I am not a judge here. But given the little information, I tried to read something between the lines; hence sharing my perspectives. Kindly ignore if my observation is irrelevant to your case.

    Of course you are down because of the death of your mom. The untimely death of a mother is not something we can easily accept or move on. It is a permanent loss, a disability and a vacuum that no one could fill.
    But our human mind is so amazingly developed to cope and accept things with time.

    I recently met with a few families who have lost their immediate family members during the Easter Sunday attack in Sri Lanka.
    There are children who lost either both or one parent. There are parents who lost their children. And there are individuals who lost their entire family in that deadly attack.
    They were grieving with sadness, anger and agony for a while. Today the incident marks its 9 month anniversary.
    However, when I met them around 6th month, and observed so many of them have moved on.
    I met this woman, who lost her 9 yr old first born DD in that attack has resumed work, and started leading apparently a normal life. She accepted it as fate, and moved on!
    But there was another woman, who lost her H and is unable to come out of this grief. She is guilt because she believes she was the reason for his death. Of course she didn't bast that bomb. But that fateful day, she forced him to the church when he wasn't ready. And more importantly, when everyone came out after the service (in fact, just 5 mins before the last prayer), this woman returned her H to their seat as she has forgotten her house key there. So he returned back inside and died in the blast that occurred exactly that moment.
    She feels extreme guilt for pushing him that day to the service, and then forcing him to go back to the church during that deadly moment to collect the key.
    She is not only guilt driven, but also has issues in forgiving herself.
    This kind of grief doesn't go away on its own. She needs proper medical interventions.

    Reading through your case, I feel the same about your issues as well.
    Your mom's death was a suicide. You knew that she was depressed when you were there last time. Yet, you didn't do much to get her treated or resolve her issues within your capacity as her DD. You must be feeling guilty for not being able to help your mother on time.
    Perhaps, you have taken her issues for granted, or didn't consider them as serious to be acted upon it immediately.
    There may have been many incidents around your family (between you and mom, between mom and dad, between mom and sister or others) that have been leading her to commit suicide. Sometimes, these details can not be disclosed with others; hence you may chose to hide them inside.

    But these are the factors that deny you forgiveness; hence push you to this guilt and extreme depression.

    Your friends, your spouse and these therapists know what you chose to share with them. Basically, you would have shared the most basic info which is not the real reason behind your depression.
    Unless and until they don't know the reason, it would be hard to help you.
     
  7. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Change the changes before the changes change you, as suggested by all the IL friends, I would just add one thing, if you don't want to go to therapy then sit with your husband and get the closure you needed. You need someone to listen, pour your griefs, until you're empty so that you don't carry the baggage anymore. Pain will never disappear but it will slowly diminish.

    I suggested your husband because, you grieve for your mom's demise at the same time feel depressed that you're disconnected with your husband emotionally, so death happened you can't win over but as living souls we can talk listen and prevent that from happening to any other soul on earth. So once you talk off let go off the things from your inner self start fresh.

    You will never forget or nothing will change the facts of past but this shall pass.. Time heals so give the time an opportunity to heal you.. Your husband must know this side of you so that he will there for you when you need him. So hold a couples counseling at home for both of you.. Plan that as you will vent out in no time and feel a bit light.

    This shall pass only if you let go of it and talk to yoir dh. He is part of your journey. Even he can't understand any of your pain you will feel relieved after letting go off your chest.
    You can do it, just plan and let the pain pass.. Never you will forget but just it will become of you so that you no longer will feel the pain rather start to accept it.. Life will change surely..
     
  8. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    My condolenses to you, losing a parent is very painful, hope you build yourself up from this pain.


    This too shall pass. You have often heard that said. But I think of it tad differently - You shall pass by this too.
    I prefer look at it this way because life has taught me, with grief you need to go thru it, to let go off it.
    By suppressing it, by sidelining it, we will never get past it. So is it for anger, for fear.
    So I admire the wisdom of our forefathers who made it mandatory to grieve a 1-2 weeks as phase 1, then a month as phase 2 and then a year before moving on. The first 2 weeks it was a custom for you to grieve deeply, you were expected to cry your heart out as much as you need, relatives were supposed be be with you, keeping an eye out ,just to ensure you get out of bed,to ask if you have eaten, if you want coffee, making sure you didnt feel too low,
    And slowly the tears dry out as you adjust to life.
    Despite the family drama, the nosiness, the bickering - during a crunch time, extended family/friends did form a support group. Now, we think we are strong, we move on too fast - cos kid'sschool, work, and life in general cannot wait for silly things like grieving.

    "Have you eaten?" Such an inane thing to ask right? If I want to eat I eat, I can take care of myself. That is what I always thought when I was much younger.
    But I now realise that what it actually says is- I care about you. You ask that a hundred times , if that simple question mattered to one person who was feeling very low at that point, it is well worth it , right?

    @winterhue, what a lovely name!
    Ask yourself , do you need to be a super woman each day, and every day? Of course that is not your intent, but that is what you are trying to do. Even machines need some downtime, some over hauling. So take a sometime off if you need.

    We have this notion that tears are a sign of weakness. No , tears just show our vulnerabilities. But our vulnerabilities bring out a greater courage than we can imagine.
    Grieving/crying, is very cathartic to the soul. Dont ever be ashamed to cry. I never stop a person from crying, the only thing I do to console is hold their hand/hug/say something like soothing.

    I feel that hearing about your DH's colleague , has made you feel more depressed.
    Here is one man who is trying to help his wife , and here is your husband is totally oblivious to your sufffering. Even if you didnt show it, couldnt he understand, isnt that what he is there for?
    But sometimes it is like that, our loved ones dont understand our silent cry for help. My two cents to you, forgive your husband for not understanding your pain.
    Today, Hold your husband's hand and tell him you miss your mother, that the loss pains you very deeply and if you feel like it, cry.
    If he says "get over it" - tell him yes you are trying to, that you need his help.
    Tell him how you feel inside when you try to be strong on the outside.
    Tell him you need his shoulder to lean on, to regain your strength. You have tried for 3 years, still it is so hard.
    Baby steps - slowly tell him your fears.

    A therapist will help you understand your emotions, your fear, your guilt. So go for that too.
    Having an understanding spouse, to know that you have someone to hold hands as you face life , is the greatest strength.

    All the best!
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  9. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply . Yes , I feel so much better now - IL is really a safe place!
     
  10. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    That IS definitely a starting point. I am trying to collect my thoughts and feel weird trying to "make an opening" without it feeling "fake". But I think if it can help me bridge a gap, then its worth it.


    @SGBV @SunPa @Raffaello and all of you in IL , thank you for all the support and perspectives. I Scheduled an appointment with the therapist for Friday. Fingers crossed. Will keep you all updated.
     

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