I am a working woman, late thirties , settled in the US , mom of 2. Life is the normal grind. Doing well in my career, have friends and kids are no hassle kids. Three years back, I lost my mom. It was an unnatural death - my mom killed herself due to depression. While it has been tough to deal with, I had to bounce back to normal pretty soon for the sake of my kids. After my mom's death, I had to come back to US within 4 days, and start a normal routine immediately. I have a pretty dysfunctional family back in India - dad and sis at loggerheads, complicated and tense relationships, so there is pretty much no one whom I can open up about my grief to. In the past three years, I have coped with the depression/anxiety/grief surge by myself. I have friends I vent to, but none of them understand the grief, because they haven't gone through it. I tried to go for therapy, but being in the US, it is very difficult to tell them the family dynamics etc. that are very specific to our culture. Recently, my husband came and told me"My colleague's wife's father passed away suddenly. He came and asked me if there were any therapists/grief counselors that I would know, because his wife is in depression. She sits by herself in the kitchen and cries etc . He asked me because he thought you may have gone to someone. I told him that you never had those issues". I wanted to shake him and tell him that I had those issues too. That I have sat all by myself and cried in dark rooms, I have stood in the middle of a supermarket and bawled , I have gone to three therapists and one psychiatrists - all of them diagnosed me with PTSD and high functioning depression, yet I never followed up. I wanted to tell him that deep down, I still function like a robot and small things trigger me, but I dont tell anyone. But , I didn't tell him anything. I just nodded my head and walked away. In the past, whenever I tried to talk about my grief to my husband, he either would change the topic or would say "dont think about it". I feel like an impostor sometimes because people compliment me on "how strong I am and how I have bounced back so quickly" , when I have not. I understand that my husband is not equipped to deal with grief, because it is something you cannot understand unless you go through it. One simply doesn't just "get over it" even after three years. I feel like I have lost all emotional connections with my husband because I have no way to open up to him. Even if I open up, he poohs poohs it or quickly vacates the scene. I dont know how to reconnect with him. Do I just live like this forever?