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Spoilt brats and indulgent parents

Discussion in 'Cheeniya's Senile Ramblings' started by Cheeniya, Jan 26, 2008.

  1. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear SS
    Your admiration for my threads has set my spirit soaring high! But make it mutual as my admiration for your writing is no less! You have an enviable command over your language.

    Whatever you have stated in your FB is unquestionable.
    But this fortunate situation also puts a larger responsibility on me to ensure I use the privileges I get correctly. With great success comes greater responsibility.
    How many of us are able to understand this basic principle for a successful life? The general thinking is that success provides us some kind of immunity and the greater the success, the more is our immunity. Affluent children getting away with murder through the influence of their parents sows the seed of a very wrong notion that money insulates us from all the provisions of the laws of the land.

    I can vividly remember and even today enjoy (in my mind), the time I spent with my parents and siblings just lounging at home, those lazy Sunday afternoons we sat chit-chatting, that playing on the streets with friends and no expensive toys to boast off.
    Precisely. This is what I call 'emotional indulgence' Nothing, no expensive gifts whatsoever, can equal the the time we spend with the children. Smothering a child with our love and care is a lot more purposeful than smothering it with gifts. Gifts do not get imprinted in memory but the love we give does. Or you wouldn't be saying what you have said by way of your nostalgic recollections.

    Leading by example is as important as is not giving-in into unreasonable demands from the kids.
    Very true. A parent who changes his car every half year can not expect his child to lead an austere life. In all these cases, inspiration should come from the top.

    If I were to ever err, I would like to err on the side of being too strict and frugal rather than the other side.
    That's a very profound statement. In trying to keep a balance between too much affluence and avoidance of too much indulgence, that should be the guiding principle.

    I am happy that you could embellish my original thread with such insightful comments.
    Sri
     
  2. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Cheeniya,

    I have just been a silent reader....great topic, but honestly i did not have anything new to contribute, but loved reading all the fbs....
    I am right now waiting to become a emotionally over indulgent granny.....:queen so trying to learn more from all your experiences. In my case i have a stingy daughter and an over indulgent husband, ....so we two have to stop Him from indulging us , which is always a porattam! Ha ha ...thank god , i did not have a son.....maybe they i would have had to put up with all the Playstation, gameboy and nintendo jargons, which i see is the in thing with children now.....and what a ruckus they make ( i happen to witness such a costly affair from a close family, part of the christmas season!)

    But i pity the parents too, they dont seem to have a say ......it gets so beyond their control and some kids seem to be psychological affected, withdrawn etc.........this was also the discussion in one of my german classes.....they dont seem to indulge the kids so much, but for them it seems to be more the pschological impact on the kids!
    Ikkaraikku akkarai pacchai...or some such proverb will fit here......to be wealthy is also a sin, and no hard and fast rules for the Indulgence factor, right!?!:roll:
     
  3. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Lalitha
    Thatha paatti indulgence can at best be emotional. In the modern economic equations, a thatha can never outbeat the parent in material indulgence. Grandparents can impart a lot of values to the children particularly when the parents are not in a position to spend quality time with them.

    Paattis can teach their grandchildren a lot of new recipes using unconventional ingredients. Further, paattis have the great talent to teach even such complicated stuff like Vedantha in such simple terms as if they are Aesop's Fables!

    Thus while parental indulgence can at times be detrimental to the children, grandparental indulgence can be nothing but grand!
    Sri
     
  4. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mr Thatha,
    I am sure you are now very happy !
    In modern day, teaching the grandchildren a lot of new recipes using unconventional ingredients, has become necessary so that they can manage to cook even if they live in Timbaktoo! Suppose, only oats or kollu is available in any place, they just have to join IL & cook a large variety happily!
    Living far away from family & friends, whenever they feel lonely, they just have to join IL & realise, there is no room for grief!!
    Ofcourse, not to forget mentioning, that when they feel "grumpy", all they have to do is to go through Thatha's ramblings. Like the "smilies" the curve of expression will change from :( to :) ! What more can the grandchildren ask for?
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
  5. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Meeta
    Honestly the last sentence of your FB attracted me a lot. A kid becoming indulgent towards his parents! Can we call it 'Reverse indulgence'? I think it is a fantastic concept for children who missed out on making their parents happy when they were small turning indulgent when they can afford it! A recent credit card ad shows the son giving a whale of a time to his parents by swiping his card.

    You are absolutely right when you say that parents derive more fun out of the hi tech gadgets that their children play with. I have a neighbour who buys crackers for nearly Rs30000 for Diwali and has great fun watching them while his son would sit inside and watch TV!

    Bribing children is indeed the most sinister form of indulgence. How can such a child be expected to be straightforward and principled when like the Pavlov dog, he is conditioned to expect something in return for everything?
    Sri
     
  6. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Veda
    Communication gap is very common when one advances in his age! Older people hold on to the theories that appeal to them and when anyone even remotely attempts to tamper with them, they are roused to fury!

    The further elucidation from you has cleared the mist off my mind and I regret not having understood the point you were making! But it also gave me an opportunity to speak my mind out further for which I thank you.

    All is well that ends well!
    Sri
     
  7. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sudha
    I have already detailed what an indulgent granny can do. But knowing that you are adept neither in recipes with unconventional ingredients nor explaining the complicated philosophy in the simplest terms, I suggest that your indulgence expresses itself through the Playstation, gameboy etc etc etc with which you seem to be more familiar
    than the modern kids!

    The views expressed by so many here seem to point towards too much money being the main culprit in making parents overindulgent. I agree with you that there can be no hard and fast rules for the indulgent factor
    Sri
     
  8. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Cheeniya sir,

    a very interesting read. As a parent what I have found difficult is trying to tell my children that it is very important to have a perspective and you will not get things not because we cannot afford but because you don't need them. While we are very indulgent parents intellectually and want to carry our children on our shoulders so that they can see much beyond what we can see and progress, separating that from material indulgence has been a challenge. Now my son who is 5 has slowly begun to say things like "you will not prevent from reading too much or asking for learning things or fruits or vegetables, but I am not supposed to ask for toys". I am hoping he is learning and his siter who still a year old will follow and learn from him. I am also trying to tell him at every opportunity that just because some body has it, you need not have it. You have to weigh your options and see if you really need it.

    Frankly, as a parent it is not easy not to buy things esp small little ones,but we are making an effort to bite our tounge and say no, you are not getting it - smaller things lead to bigger. And staying far away from home makes me feel constantly pressured that we as parents are solely responsible for the way our children turn out. I am old school - wanting older people and their wisdom around, so I don't know how far I agree with your statement that "I am of the strong view that the number of times the mouth is opened in a day should be inversely proportionate to the age of the person".

    The whole story was just to make a point that in such a world of indulgent parents, there is a lot of peer pressure not only for kids but also for parents and if kids have to learn not succumb to it, parents should teach by setting an example by not succumbing to peer pressure themselves.

    Once again, thanks for a timely (for me atleast and for many more I am sure) and intersting article.

    ps: I have not read all the replies, so I might be echoing an opinion already.
     
  9. gayathriar

    gayathriar Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sri

    It was a very interesting, insightful and inimitable read - on the whole a typical Cheeniya post!!! You have so lucidly stated what I aspire for - Wanting the best and believing in the best are two different things. We only cherish memories of our grandmother making our favourite sweet or grandfather convincing others to let us pursue our interests, their emotional indulgence more than what they bequeath us.

    With a kid, who is a little over two years old, I have a long way to go...! For now, merely not talking with my son when he repeats a mistake works. Also, we try to put up a united front when either of us try to correct him.

    -Gayathri.

    PS: You successfully bring out the latent light side of chitvish. What happened to our resident Naradi - is it silence before storm???
     
  10. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    dear sir,
    i read the post & all the replies with great interest.i am mother of 3 +plus son ( soon to have another) so just wanted to check whether i fit the description of balanced parent or over indulgent one.i seem to be at border line ,in danger of tripping to over indulgence side any time specially when it comes to books.
    let me explain.as parent ,i feel we try to indulge a kid in those things which as child we did not get.
    i used to live in small town ( in HP) with no book store so always used to long for books.i did used to go to library but the pride of owning a book evaded me till i reached my teens.so,now i get my son books ,books & yet more books.he is 38 mths old but owns nearly that number of books & i feel proud of the fact.
    though he goes love each & every one of his book but i feel i have gone over the board.i feel once he get old & starts making demands i would not be able to say no.

    so,i feel it goes with every other parent also.when the little ones are toddlers we do spoil them ,getting them toys ,choclates,chips without their asking & the suddenly wake up one day when things get out of control.

    As a parent i am almost always in doubt about my child raising skills. And we get no help from our elders.frankly, our parents who seemed very strict to us in our younger days suddenly undergo complete character change as soon as the become grand parents.the little devils are apple of their eyes.if we deny them something the request goes to our elders who will surly fulfill it or command us to fulfill it.already ,my son is calling his nani to get him shoes with wheelswhen he comes to India next mth.the once miser nani (in our case ) is waiting only to get the size of little feet otherwise it would have been bought & packed in some shiny wrapper for the laddoo raja( nani's pet name for our son).

    i just want to request all u ilites (who are grandparents )to give suggestion on how to tackle over indulgent grand parents( pls do not smell jealeousy which deep in my heart does exsist as i did not had a nani).

    regards
    pragati
     

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