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Split The Family Or Bury My Passion

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vidiyal, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    Hi, I have been a long time member here, but don't want to give away my identity, so using a new user ID. This forum has been great, learnt so many life lessons here that I did not get an opportunity to be exposed as a kid, thanks for everyone who contribute your valuable suggestions.

    A little bit background, from my childhood, have always been academically focused, never missed a first rank in class/school, got into medicine in spite of being a forward caste, and back then we had just 9-10 medical colleges in our state. Got married while still in my final year of med school, stayed back in India for one and half years to complete MBBS before moving to US to join husband. Things were difficult from day 1 of married life, got worse after reaching US, had a baby within one year, my parents were not allowed to come and help me, manged everything on my own, life was even more stressful after baby, both my ex and his parents physically and mentally abused, decided I had enough and walked out of the marriage. Now, I am happily married to my schoolmate with two kids - twelve year old (from first marriage) and two year old.

    Coming to my predicament, by the time, I came out of that rough marriage, did masters, got a decent full time job to support myself and my first kid, then got married again and now with my 2 year old little girl, its been fourteen years since I graduated from med school. But I have always missed being a doctor, tears would start automatically rolling in when I get to see an Indian doctor of my age successfully practicing in this country. I deleted my facebook account long time ago, and not in touch with any of my med school classmates as it reminds me that I am a failure.

    I am blessed to have my DH as he knows me well, he motivated me to see if I can do anything to get back to medicine after all these years. I researched, figured out, after such a huge gap, it would be an uphill task to get a residency position even if I ace USMLE exams. My husband helped me to take care of kids, I studied, did MCAT and redid courses, got admitted to med school here in US.

    It is in a different state than we live currently, the cost of living is too high, on top of expensive med school fee. I am not sure what to do. It is difficult for DH to find a job in the state where I'll be starting school, his industry is restricted to few states, and working remotely is not an option for him. I am not sure how to work this out, below are my options, though I really don't want to settle with the last option.

    Option 1: I just rent a room and study and plan on visiting family once every month. This puts the burden on my husband to take care of kids, cooking and cleaning, literally running the family, though he is fully capable of doing this, this would be a huge burden on him being a single father and taking care of kids being a male, considering my little one is just 2. I am worried about both kids, one is in middle school, he needs me emotionally, the little one is too young, she needs me both physically and emotional well being.

    Option 2: This would be the ideal option, DH try his best to get a job even in a different field and move in together as a family. DH is a great compassionate person, but not competitive, he is happy, satisfied and content with what he has. It is highly unlikely that he will start brushing up his skill set and try for a job, and I cannot force him to do that. He has done so much for me, I am thankful for everything he does, cannot force him to do something that I know he will have very less initiative to do.

    Option 3: Send my little one to India to live with my parents, enroll her in a school, and have a person to take care of her and engage her during after school hours so it is not a burden to my parents. DH and older one stay where we are currently and I visit them once a month. I am not inclined toward this option as I feel it is cruel to separate my little girl from both parents at this young age and it would be difficult on my parents too. I took care of my son single handedly in this country doing some odd hourly jobs before I landed a good full time job, when I went through divorce.

    Option 4: Don't rock the boat by being selfish to pursue my own dreams at this age, keep everything as it is, be happy with what I have, bury all my dreams and all the hard work that I did in my first 22 years of life, just live the life for kids and die when time comes :(
     
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  2. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Vidiyal,

    Are you planning to do medschool again?
    Have you tried some research or volunteer position in a university or hospital that may boost your confidence to apply for a residency directly. Just a thought, not sure if you have exhausted all options before pursuing an expensive and longer path.
     
    BhumiBabe and Vidiyal like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Option 1 or 2. Can your parents or in-laws come to help even if for short periods?
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    The 14-year gap is the problem. She will still have to spend a year or two in the research/volunteer position even if she finds one. IMO that time would be better spent in med school.
     
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  5. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I do agree about the 14 year gap being a problem, but not as much since you have completed your masters, and have been working during this time and it is not really an empty portion in your CV. You do have something to show for the gap, as long as you can brush up your clinical skills, am sure you would have a decent chance, especially if you apply for a specialty that aligns with your masters or current job ( am assuming that is related to the medical field).
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
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  6. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    Thanks GoneGirl! I did think about the options that you mentioned, finding observership is difficult, even if I do that, that is not going to be counted as hands on clinical experience. After spending 1-2 years full time on prepping for USMLE, another 1-2 years in research and observership and going through match, my chance would still be bleak. But as Malstorm mentioned, if I spend that 4 years here in med school, I can be assured that 99.9% I'll reach my end goal though it is going to be a long and expensive one.
    I already invested close to 2 years after work taking postbac courses and prepping for MCAT and applying, so no going back for sure.
     
  7. Vidiyal

    Vidiyal New IL'ite

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    Thanks Malstorm, my mother-in -law passed away few years ago, father-in-law can't help much. My parents came here last two years since my delivery, helped me to continue to work and study. But recently my dad was diagnosed with a condition that he cannot travel anymore, so I don't have the option of my parents helping me anymore unfortunately.
     
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  8. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Vidiyal,
    Ok, now that makes sense since you have put in all the effort at this point.
    In that case, I would highly recommend option 2, if possible as four years away from family is tough. I know its hard for your husband to do it, but probably easier than trying to manage two kids all alone for four years.
    Btw, love your name, vidiyal is right around the corner! Goodluck!
    Congratulations on being admitted to a
    med school, great achievement indeed!
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
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  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I would suggest a combination of all options.
    Start with option 1, then think about option 2 of getting DH moved to where you live. Option 2 is going to be challenging when your husband is the caretaker and he has to adjust to a new job and city with 2 kids. But eventually he will have to do it anyway if you were to pursue your dream.
    I personally do not like option 3, because I have done it. My kid stayed with my parents in India for 3 months, it was heartbreaking for me. I had to do it, because otherwise I wouldn't have graduated. You can try that option too when it comes to it and is absolutely necessary.
     
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  10. balakrish

    balakrish Platinum IL'ite

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    Congratulations on pursuing your dreams. We need more of you in this world.

    The issues with the four options:

    Option 1: Your H suffers taking care of the kids by himself and will be burnt out in no time. This 4 year separation is too long and your kids will miss their mother and might not have a great time with an exhausted dad.

    Option 2: Changing field for the sake of another person is really unfair. Even by one's own desire, changing fields is tough. To do it for someone else is asking them too much.

    Option 3: Again doesn't look like a sustainable option.

    Option 4: This is not really an option.

    Since this is a 4 year commitment, is it possible to spread the sacrifices evenly and combine some of these options together..

    Kids: Send both of them to India for a year. Your elder one can help with the younger one so that your parents are not burdened. This really will be coming of age for your elder one and you will realize he will mature a lot in this time.

    You join the current med-school, but take the first year so that you can find a different med-school which will work both for your H and you. Once you have decided on the city, your H can work towards finding a job there, moving and setting the house up. You should focus on your school, do the best, so you can move to the other med school.

    After a year, all of you can move to the new place and life happily ever after.

    This option will give you room to think out of the current options you are boxed into. Your H and you will have an entire year to work towards your goal, without getting burnt out. Kids will adapt and will be a good experience since they will be only an year away.
     
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