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Sorry Long Post , Venting Out

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Ishaan10, Dec 18, 2018.

  1. noire

    noire Silver IL'ite

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    I understand the frustration. Just a couple of points.

    1) When you have a child, he/she is your sole responsibility. You brought them into this world, so it is the responsibility of the father and mother to care for them. It's nice if you have outside help, but that's just a bonus and you have to remind yourself to be grateful for it.

    2) I don't like the behaviour of the MIL. I do not understand why she is not interested in your newborn, maybe she's trying to prove a point or communicate something, who knows. Ultimately, it's her loss. She has an opportunity to bond with a baby, her own grandchild, and she's throwing it away. Let her. You're not the boss of her, and she's not the boss of you. As long as she is generally civil, there is no reason to hold a grudge just because she won't help out with the baby. Ignore that completely and enjoy your precious newborn.
     
  2. noire

    noire Silver IL'ite

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    This makes sense.
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your husband is right. Before delivery how many times your MIL come upstairs per day.
    My PILS and parents avoid climbing steps as much as possible. But you can come down.
    When you need her to hold your baby, Come down and request her can you hold this baby till I come back after bath or something else. Your MIL is already helping you and she cannot read your mind. You are taking her for granted and expecting her to everything according to your wish like a nanny. You are expecting too much.

    May be she is feeling your negative attitude. Or may be she is feeling like treated like a nanny or being used . She is already coming upstairs and checking with you while taking care your elder one. I cannot imagine doing that when I get old. Even now I find it difficult. I used to hold my kids only when I sit. It was very tough to carry child in my arms for more than 10 minutes. If you are very worried, you can ask your concern in a loving way without hurting her to understand her own reasons. I think she may be thinking that she is doing much and cannot take responsibility of another child too.

    She is a good MIL in my opinion. She is not your mother, that you should remember. I am sure your MIL connect with your child once he/she start smiling and grow up a bit.

    You can also request your mother to come and help you if you cannot hire a maid. She is also a grand ma.
    Count your blessings OP. Just imagine that you are living with your husband and two kids . How you will manage. Its is tough, but quite possible. Many women do that. Taking care of your kids is yours and husbands responsibility. No one elses

    Appreciate the help you are getting instead of building resentment and being negative.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2018
    SunPa and sindmani like this.
  4. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    She came to upstairs like 4 times in 14 days during my postoperative period that too if situation arises only...the day I got admitted for lscs also I have done the dinner n went to hospital ..so there is no point to tell, her helping me
    One thing I can follow , to ask her hold the baby for a while..
    My mother came yesterday to visit kids...her reaction was made a frown n ask her to come in a angry tone..that's it my mom trying to make conversation she ends it with cold voice..she planned one day stay , but with this reaction she departed in evening ,for that she travelled 8 hrs to n fro for 6 hr stay...how can I ask her to stay with me...
    As I said already she is good mother, grand mother, not a good mil ...
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2018
  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Ishaan10,

    I am able to comprehend how you feel about your child not being held by your MIL for at least a few minutes a day. At least she is helping you take care of your older child. But love for the child is spontaneous and it should come to her on her own. You and your husband are the parents and are primarily responsible to bond so that the child experiences unconditional love.

    My mother didn't even touch my son throughout his childhood. It hurts me even now when my son is 30 years old and my mother died in April 2018. Life is filled with pleasure and pain and we need to learn to overcome and move on so that the life of the child is meaningful. Let this not create differences between your husband and yourself and let it not get to your child.

    Viswa
     
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  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Be thankful for what you have . Count your blessings. Is it possible for you to go to your parents place till you join back work ?
     
    Lalithambigai likes this.
  7. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    When will Indian adults understand that having a child is a choice and a responsibility that they should take entirely on their own ?
     
    pinkgal, Amica, MalStrom and 4 others like this.
  8. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    You are missing the point and keep on counting wrongs you mil is doing ... try to list what she does also.

    She is already taking care of 3 yr old and giving you time to deal with your new born . I think that is quite a bit of help.

    She is also checking the baby when you cook .

    If you need her to look after the baby when you want to go for bath, go down and hand over her baby and request her take care for some time .

    You should have simply asked your mom to stay as you needed help Instrad of reading and getting offended about your mil behavior.
     
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  9. Twofeathers

    Twofeathers Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ishaan10,

    Did she take care of your first child when he/she was a new born. Some grand parents feel more comfortable with toddlers than new borns. Babies are so small and fragile, I have met grand parents who feel it has been some time since they have handled a baby and with their own old age and fragility they do not feel strong to nurture a tiny baby. Older grand parents feel a tad bad to admit to all of this so they get closer to the toddler and not a new born. Your mil might be developing arthritis or just is feeling insecure.

    Either way, I suggest - be thankful that you are getting support in atleast taking care of one child. I have noticed that I live better and sleep better if I ignore the faults of others and appreciate whatever little they do for me. I ask that you expect less, appreciate more and try to get outside help if you need it badly. It will help your peace of mind, and nourish your relationships with all at home. I somehow find it hard to believe that your mil has any sinister motive here. I think she is doing what she "can" - what ever the reason behind the "cannot" is, take it for what it is and manage.
     
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  10. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank u...atleast u can understand my feelings..I ve thought that after my kids grown up, they will obviously spot this difference of being treated by their grand ma ,it will create some issues blah blah
     
    Amica likes this.

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