Society's views on childrens' sex..

purnimashenoy · Jan 6, 2009

A subject I feel strongly on...

When I was pregnant with my first baby, my DH and I always used to pray only for a healthy and bonny baby, not for a boy (or a girl...) Though sometimes we used to think, given the sufferings that most of our female acquaintances and relatives go through in daily life and personal relations, it would always be good only to have boys - just so that we don't have to be tensed up about protecting our girls and seeing them suffering after marriage - when the reason we get them married is just so that they get some joys that we can't provide them - like the companionship of a loving spouse throughout life, the joy of childbirth, the security of having a family after us... But then my DH used to console me that even if we had girls, we would bring them up together into strong, confident, forthright, cheerful individuals that would be ready to tackle any problems in life, and always spread joy all round wherever they go..

Be that as it may, we had a lovely baby girl... when my DH first saw our child, he gave a lovely huge smile, gave me an affectionate peck on my forehead, and told me she looks just like me, and thanked me for giving him the biggest gift in his life! And my MIL and FIL were happy too - they said something that made me smile at the time, and still does when I think about it: "we are glad we have a girl baby, cos we can get so much varieties of stuff for her.. colorful clothes, accessories, jewellery etc...!"

But some of our friends and relatives did say our first born should have been a BOY! The sorry expression on their faces when they heard baby's sex was so irritating. My DH dealt with all these people smilingly, and brushed off all these by immediately saying it didn't matter at all to us as these days, girls are as good or better than boys in taking care of parents and other things.. and he did this in such a nice way that I wouldn't be affected by these things!

And then when we were expecting our second child, I will not lie, this time I would have loved a boy since that would have fulfilled our dreams. But we again had another lovely baby girl. We had already decided that this would be our last child, and my DH was away when I delivered. Those 2 days till he reached me, I was a lil sad (though now I think how stupid I was then) and tensed up about his reaction etc. I needn't have worried at all - he breezed in as usual, apologized profusely to me for not being there for me when I was in labor. Then he picked up the baby lovingly, and told me he is proud to have another child that is so beautiful.. My held-up feelings, emotions and relief on seeing him and his reaction came out in the form of tears - and then he hugged me, consoled me, and scolded me lovingly for being so foolish as to worry about the sex of baby when there was so much to be happy about.

But now the fun began - reactions of people and my DH's responses to them. When people heard we had another girl, they used to say - another girl??!! And he told them that was lovely, and he didn't mind at all.. and thank God we have 2 lovely children when there are so many people that have a problem to conceive etc. But ultimately, the priceless occasion was when an aged lady, a relative of mine, came upto us at baby's naming ceremony and exclaimed loudly: "A 2nd girl, you should have had a boy at least this time if not the first time, shouldn't you?" And all my DH's irritation at this came out when he said another lovely thing that I still can't forget: "What's wrong with that? My mother, my sister and my wife all are female.. and I definitely don't mind if my children are female too!" The expression on that lady's face and the stammering excuses she gave were priceless!

As an aside, he is an anaesthesiologist, and most doctors in this field have girl children - maybe cos of the anaesthetic gases they constantly inhale. And he has always hated this question from his lady patients undergoing Caesarean section under spinal or epidural anaesthesia - immediately the baby is out, and he tells them they have a fine baby, they ask: "Is it a male baby or a female baby?" Once when he was busy with monitoring and looking after the baby and the mother asked him this question, he replied: "It's a HUMAN baby!!!"

As I have said here, even I myself was biased initially more towards boy children, because we women know firsthand all the things we have to suffer through life. And I have been really lucky to be blessed with such an understanding gem of a husband, but he is an exception.

All this makes me think; when will things really change for Indian women, so that this question does not arise at all at childbirth, and we are equally happy whether we beget boys or girls???

Edit: to complete this post, now that by God's grace we're becoming comfortable in life, my DH has started asking me, especially since we both miss having a toddler around the home... "Why don't we adopt a baby, another girl, and give her a better chance at life?" We are seriously thinking this over now. Of course, his parents are supportive for anything we do, and we make it a point to always consult them and involve them in whatever we plan, though we know their answer will always be "Yes." I should thank God for these blessings in my humble life...

Cutepavi · Jan 6, 2009

hi purnima,
This is infact a wonderful snippet you have written. A thing that many people should read and also many people think about often.. I really liked the way you presented the subject. I guess you have got a wonderful husband and in laws and now 2 wonderful kids.. It is really natural for a human being to enquire the sex of the kid because of the curiosity.. but it is not at all right to make any judgement about them.. I really liked the way your husband's polite but stern reply to the old woman. I never understand why people are so obsessed about having a male child when they themselves are female.. Rant but sometimes i feel they are asking us out of some concern.. but i strongly do not feel that... They have sarcastic questions on everything.. if you get late for marriage then they judge there is some problem with you.. if you do not have a kid.. then they judge you... likewise the list goes on and on...

Anyways.. god bless your 2 children and make them strong and bold women in the future..:thumbsup

Devika Menon · Jan 6, 2009

Dear Purnima,

Good to read a post on a relevant topic.

Though I strongly feel that these days the scenario is definitely changing.
I have a daughter and I am absolutely thrilled to have her. Infact when my sister adopted a baby last year, we decided on a girl child. Who wants to miss the opportunity of raising a girl??
My mom always says that she is happy with her daughters more than the son.

Infact most of my friends have single child and a girl at that and thats the complete family. They are not even thinking of a second.

I definitely feel Purnima that now we arent so desperate to have male child. I guess that discrimation has long since subdued. Thats the feel i have .Now with girls excelling and doing so well in each field. And also I feel it is much easier to take care of lil girls with all their motherly and grandmotherly instincts Lucky you to experience two of that.:cheers
Good post Purnima:thumbsup

Love,
Devika

asha_karthik · Jan 6, 2009

Such a beautifully written one Purnima. I really liked the way ur hubb reacted to the remarks from ur relative - "My mother, my sister and my wife all are female"

I can personally feel for your question coz i hv a girl child and now expecting my 2nd one (not sure if its a boy or girl). My hubb thinks i wud prefer a boy this time somehow. Though, yes, that would give a variety to things, he wouldn't know what is running in my mind.. i wud be doubly happy if its a girl too.. there are so many things I can do if my 2nd one is also a girl -
(1) Our home will become more colorful if more girls are around
(2) Buying dresses wouldn't be just another routine in life. Bunch of joy shopping around for 2 girls
(3) They can exchange everything.. clothes, accessories and any thing they use.. unlike a boy who would say "i donot want a pink color pencil box that sis uses"
(4) You can make them sing and dance together during parties and get together.. can probably do if my 2nd one is a boy too.. but wud that look that nice?
(5) In a male-dominated family like mine (minus my loving hubb ofcourse), i wud love a girl-dominated next generation.. how nice !! decision-making in future wud be move sensitive, inclusive and vigilant! (ofcourse my family was very happy with a girl child.. but i dont know if they would let the child be herself as she grows)
(6) its only a boon to hv more girl children around in the house.. it adds love and color to the family

Now coming to ur question at the end... you did say that the question on ur 2nd baby being a girl came from an aged lady who is ur relative. So its usually the ladies like the aged-lady and you yourself (for being upset with a 2nd girl child during the initial days) who fuel these kind of thoughts. With positive changes in our own mentality, I am sure we will see a better future. My hubb now is only worried that i shd receive the 2nd one well if its a girl again.. he would be jumping up if that happens.. he wud love to have 2 little girls running & playing around him. There is already lot of awareness around this. No sane parents these days show a difference between a girl and boy child.. be it on basic education or other activities or their higher education.. in fact the options are plentier for a girl.
Lets hear from other ladies as well.. i am sure this discussion would go more interesting !

iyerviji · Jan 6, 2009

Dear Purnima

Wonderful post. You have an understanding husband. Like the way he answered the old lady. Olden ladies always go for boys. Ladies always expect a boy as the first child. But now a days they say any child is ok whether boy or girl as far as they are healthy, as many people are not conceiving these days.

Its really surprising that women themselves dont want a girl child being a woman. It might be because they dont want them to suffer as they suffered. If you have the support of your husband then whether boy or girl anything is welcome.

Good to know that you have cute two girls.

love
viji

Mindian · Jan 6, 2009

dear poornima,
i agree with devika...nowadays it hardly matters whether the child is a boy or a girl..i am sure every mothers concern is first whether the baby is healthy and normal...
in my case i cannot say that the childs sex did not matter because i desperately wanted a daughter and i did have one...i was very firm that had the first one been a boy i would have tried again for a girl but felt quite happy that my wish was fulfilled...
have a great time with your daughters..they grow up too fast..and yes they will always be papas pet..but thats the way it is....
Mindi

manjulats · Jan 6, 2009

Purnima,

Very well narrated and I like your husband's attitude.

Obviously it is the aged ladies who ask whether it is a girl for the 2nd time too and I remember my mom in the same situation who has two girls(both are girls is it?and a look on the face).It's been happening for so many generations hope this question doesn't come up in the future.Even after so many Progress and many changes some people aren't broad minded in this one.

I myself have a girl and We are really proud to have her.

Manaswini08 · Jan 6, 2009

We also have 2 beautiful, healthy, smart daughters. My husband and in-laws were thrilled to finally have girls in the house. You're right, they are much more fun to shop for and become great friends with their mothers as they grow up. And my DH loves being the "king" in a family of females

Sriniketan · Jan 7, 2009

Purnima,
You are indeed lucky to have a supportive husband and also in-laws who support the adoption a other cutie baby girl...Bowto them..
If all the people are like that...there will be no problem at all regarding this issue in future.
I have 2 girls and one boy..for that one of our neighbours commented..'so they tried and had a boy at last..":spin such is the notion of the society..
but this is slowly changing...there is hope..

sriniketan

Gowri66 · Jan 7, 2009

Hey Poornima...

Joining others in wishing you ..dear. Very happy for you & your family.

I remember ... my patti (My father's 90 year old mother) used to tell about us (we 3 sisters) as Durga, Lakshmi & Saraswathi whenever, people started commenting about the "imaginery" burden of having 3 girl children in family.

Things are changing .. no doubt, but in slow pace.