20 Great Lines 1. Regular naps prevent old age... Especially if you take them while driving. 2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. 3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash. 5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... But whatever you do, you'll regret it later. 8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it. 9. True friends stab you in the front. 10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me. 11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. 12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. 14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. 15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. 16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak. 18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. 19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. 20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address bo
There is no point at all to this collection other than it's funny. Well I think it is.. • Gobi West • Madrasness • Bindi Lauper • Papadam and the Ants • Siouxsie and the Bhajees • Stiff Little Ladies Fingers • Raita Coolidge • Raita Said Fred • Tikka That • Jalfraizee goes to Bollywood • Emerson Lake and Pilau • Pat Bhunatar • Chapati Labelle • Sisters of Methi • Aloo Rolls smile Smile tho' your heart is aching, Smile even tho' it's breaking, When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile thro' your fear and sorrow, Smile and maybe tomorrow, You'll see the sun come shining through; for you. sign outside an antiques shop Dead People's Things For Sale.
"Computers in the future will weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular Mechanics, forecasting advance of science, 1949.)
More Ronnie Barker one-liners 'The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.' 'Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago. 'I don't know, 'the general replied.' It's only 20.27 now.' 'The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.' Δ• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. • • I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. • • Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. • • Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. • • A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.' • • A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'. • • A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'. • • I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. • • Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners • • I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. • • I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.' • • I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. ®
teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!. Sardar-why r all these people running? Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running? Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin. Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater. again twins & named Max & Climax. Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them TIRED&RETIRED! Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense. Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail". Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on the Branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager." Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote : Yes! One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking... Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It"s already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go. Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first. Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.! Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet Sardar :- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it.... Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder to you'.......... Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR. A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. I need someone real bad...Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots...and I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. Keep honking...I'm reloading. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car. God must love stupid people; He made so many. I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Always remember you're unique just like everyone else. No hand signals...Driver on Viagra Honk! If you want to see my finger.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YRS MAKE 1970: Long Hair. 2000: Longing for hair. 1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for a BM. 970: The Grateful Dead. 2000: Dr.? Kevorkian. 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint. 1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones. 1970: Being called into the principal's office. 2000: Calling the principal's office. 1970: Screw the system! 2000: Upgrade the system! 1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo. 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 1970: Take acid. 2000: Take antacid. 1970: Passing the driver's test. 2000: Passing the vision test. 1970: "Whatever" 2000: "Depends"
PAVI DEAR THANK YOU ----GO THROUGH IT ALL ---YOU CAN PASTE IT, TO USE WHEN NECESSARY------:cheers:cheers
