What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women" How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... men will screw anything. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. What's the difference between men anD government bonds? Bonds mature. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know .... it's never happened. How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped. What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. What's the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish. What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity. Fear is the mother of morality. People are very open-minded about new things -- as long as they're exactly like the old ones. Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. People used to complain to me all the time, 'I can't even hear you sing because your clothes are so loud.' Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing. : Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.
I would like some interaction,otherwise i fell iamm playing cricket alone, you too can share some jokes--or crack some wit
. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable" Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?" Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Some funny reports you see in newspapers with a Pun Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Farmer Bill Dies in House Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Stud Tires Out Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Dear Boss, People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes People who do less work... make less mistakes People who do no work... make no mistakes People who make no mistakes... gets promoted That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work I need a promotion.
Wife : You keep my photo in the wallet all the time? Husband : Sure honey. When I have problems, I will look at your photo and the problems always seem to be gone. Wife : See? I am your miracle right? Husband : Of course. when I look at you I realize that what in the world could cause me more trouble!! in one interview, the interviewer got impatient about one guy because he could answer all the questions so quickly and arrogantly. "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind." The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question." I "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?" The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir." "How??" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" Admission for the course was thus secured.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him andsmacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
Four friend at a party Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!
