Phone Line A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Windows 666 Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision. So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell." Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. ! Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes! No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
Computer Instructor Well, I had one event happen to me, where one lady had just bought a Apple IIc and complained that she was having problems with her monitor, so we told her to bring her monitor in, and we'd check it out. So she brings her monitor in, and we plug it in, and it works without a flaw. We tell her that the monitor isn't the problem, and to bring her CPU in. She stares at us blankly, and asks, "What's the CPU?" Joe explains that it's the piece of equipment that all your devices plug into. So about twenty minutes later, she returns and walks in carrying the surge suppressor. When we explained to her the item that we needed her to bring in, she replied, "Oh you mean the keyboard!" (On Apple IIc's, the CPU box and keyboard are part of the same unit.) And to make this all the more interesting, she was a gradeschool computer class instructor.
Internet addictions Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period: Diagnostic Criteria (I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following: (A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction (B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet (II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following (A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome (1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged. (2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1: (a) psychomotor agitation (b) anxiety (c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet (d) fantasies or dreams about Internet (e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers (3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning (B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms. (III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended (IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use (V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials (VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use. (VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)
[FONT="]What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... men will screw anything.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know .... it's never happened.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum[/FONT][FONT="].[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.[/FONT] [FONT="][/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
