SOME LIMERICKS That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny. Limerick There was an Old Man with a flute, A serpent ran into his boot; But he played day and night, Till the serpent took flight, And avoided that man with a flute There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a Bee; When they said, 'Does it buzz?' He replied, 'Yes, it does!' 'It's a regular brute of a Bee!' Limerick There was a Young Lady of Norway, Who casually sat on a doorway; When the door squeezed her flat, She exclaimed, 'What of that?' This courageous Young Lady of Norway. Limerick There was a Young Lady whose chin, Resembled the point of a pin; So she had it made sharp, And purchased a harp, And played several tunes with her chin. There was an Old Man of Quebec, A beetle ran over his neck; But he cried, 'With a needle, I'll slay you, O beadle!' That angry Old Man of Quebec
[FONT="System"] -Henri Cartier Bresson Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work... 1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who oppose them. 7. 2 days without a human rights violation. 8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 9. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 11. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 12. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 13. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 14. Plagiarism saves time. 15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. [/FONT]
Any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend. Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source. Don't forget Mother's Day… or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat? Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed. I rant, therefore I am. Television has made dictatorship impossible, but democracy unbearable. I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Faith: not wanting to know what is true. You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself. I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on. Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. I speak two languages, Body and English. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?" Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to
Nothing works better than the gift of laughter. Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.' Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. There is still no cure for the common birthday.
Women are not easy to understand. Famous authors and poets have extensively written about 'woman.' Yet, no one can claim to fully fathom her mind. Get to know some feminine quirks with these funny quotes about women. Read witty wisecracks about a woman's nature. These quotes would make most women exclaim, 'What's all the fuss about?' But men would say, 'How true, how true!' A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water. If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. I hate women because they always know where things are. A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking. Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions. The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised. Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single?" I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed? I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
