Funny Thoughts To Ponder [*]Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? [*]At a movie theater which arm rest is yours? [*]What is Satan's last name? [*]Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. [*]Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes? [*]If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony? [*]Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"? [*]If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity? [*]If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin? [*] [*]If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"? [*]Do they bury people with their braces on? [*]How far east can you go before you're heading west? [*]How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion? [*]Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves? [*]If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling? [*]If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states. [*]Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball? [*]If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP? [*]Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron? [*]If pro and con are opposites, wo [*]uldn't the opposite of progress be congress? [*]Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it. [*]If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin? [*]If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? [*]Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food? [*]If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired? [*]What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup? [*]If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half? [*]Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him? [*]When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny? [*]Are eyebrows considered facial hair? [*]If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on? [*]In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"? [*]Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions? [*]Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? [*]Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? [*]Can you daydream at night? [*]Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it? [*]Can crop circles be square? [*]If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor? [*]
Thanks Mallika that was a encouragement from you and keerti and kala prabha sorry for the late reply------your words are recorded in my mind hope good ones you paste and use,
“Mother are you the nearest relative I have?” asks a small child “Yes dear and Father is the closest: Recently at a ship's cocktail party, I notices a row of coat hooks outside the wardroom it was marked “Officers only” Underneath someone had scrawled ‘Can also be used for coats Our youngest Child had to have medical examinations before entering school. The doctor asked him “Do you have any trouble with your nose ears and eyes” ‘Yes he replied ‘they are always in the way when I take off my T-shirt.’ Judge :are you unmarried madam” Young lady “yes sir four times, my lord. On the walls of a university science building “Old chemists, never die they fail to react”. A friend who had been busy to get a customary gift of flowers or fruits for the Harvest Festival services, gave her young sons money to donate it to the Vicar When it was their turn the younger boy marched down the aisle to where the vicar stood surrounded by harvest gifts, presented the money and said in a loud voice “Two kilos of those red apples please” When Japanese Bombs fell on Darwin, Australia, in 1942, a hospital was hastily evacuated, the doctor was about to leave when he saw a matron rummaging through a drawer in her room. “Doctor she called I cant find my teeth” “Come at once Matron he replied sharply “Its bombs they are dropping not sandwiches” Actress Angie Dickinson had the answer to anyone asking her age; “I really don’t know it keeps changing from minute to minute”.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral." 4 Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here." A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!" A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house." Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you." Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die." A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Funny Quotation from the web Oscar Wilde I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. W. C. Fields I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. Jay Leno] My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok! Jerry Seinfield Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. Mel Brooks I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. George Bernard Shaw Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Groucho Marx I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Friedrich Nietzsche A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. Bill Cosby A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Readers you can post some of your funny jokes of quotations or incidents too,A small comment whether good or bad will be appreciated.
A Joke Advice on wife treatment from electrical department: If she is dull..............Exciter If she becomes too excited....... Controller If she talks too much ..... Interrupter If she is unbalanced..........Regulator If she doesn't suit you .....transformer If she is a poor cook.....Discharger If she is hungry .......Feeder If she makes a mistake .... Rectifier If she 'll come halfway ...meter just a old joke came across wanted to share it
