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Single Daughters...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by frndlysgp, Jun 22, 2018.

  1. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Is there any one in the group who is the only daughter to her parents? Am the only daughter to my parents. They had given me every thing I need or much more than what I need even till today. Had a love marriage. Don't have good bonding with his siblings(sisters). We don't have anything in common to talk except for the usual formal questions. Our brought up is different. Their priorities are different compared to mine. Also they try to take advantage of their only brother. I do have cousins who are quite close but mostly guys as am the only grand daughter in the family. Very often i feel depressed about not having a sibling. Cousins cannot replace siblings. Am in mid 30's now. Now both of us, me and husband are busy with job, but by the time we retire or hit 50 I feel I will not have any one to talk in the family. He will have siblings and can have a good relationship with them. But how about me ? I do have some good friends but of course friends will have their own lives and may not be able to catch up often. How you all would cope up with these feelings? Kindly suggest.
     
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  2. goldenhoney87

    goldenhoney87 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear frndlysgp
    Loneliness alerts for a social bond.
    I can very much relate to you.I am the only daughter to my parents.I never felt that i need a sibling until i got married.Post marriage are the days when I wanted to share my feelings to someone other than my parents. As the stuff that i wanted to share was partly against my DH and inlaws i cannot chose my husband( learnt this truth only after chosing my DH as a vent out factor:BangHead: Then i realised I did biggest mistake of my life in the first month of marriage itself) The only people I found were my friends and colleagues.But what i understood was every close friend cannot help us in every situation.I felt the need of a sibling. My parents realised off late that am not able to share everything with them and regret for not having a second child.I was always close to my paternal cousins in the school days. Later on everyone moved to different places on job purpose and got married.Everybody became busy with their own lives.THough there is a whatsapp group for cousins none of them are actually active.
    It's been two years for me into married life.In the first year my marital relation had almost hit rock bottom. I was scared to share with my parents as i always wished them to have a peaceful life.I started sharing with friends but not much of use.Thats when I gathered all the courage and hell-bent on making my relation a peaceful and happy one with my spouse.I strongly felt that was the solution to my loneliness and its not dire need for a sibling. Then i discussed the same with my parents and took their motivation from time to time to remove the negative vibes against my DH and inlaws.My top priority was this apart from working.I invested alot of patience and unconditional love, tried to put up a happy face and create happy atmosphere around whatsoever mood i was in.I stopped sulking beacuse my immediate and long term goal is to have a healthy relation with DH.In few months the negative thoughts about fil mil and bil came to neutral ones.It takes effort but totally worth it.Now after two years of marriage all the effort was paid off.I feel super happy all the time.Trust me negative vibes are so dangerous.Yes! Now i turn to my cousins but that's for chatter and not to discuss about married life.
    As you have mentioned yours was a love marriage and didnt mention how healthy your relation is with your DH.Please check on that too.
    Do not think about his siblings as a threat to your marriage.When the couple have good understanding and healthy discussion regarding any issue there is no place for threats.Be neutral or nice to them.
    Even though you have a sibling is there any guarantee that she / he can be a moral support for rest of your life.
    Never feel jealous or offended when your DH talks to his sisters over phone.Dont let it put you off.
    Be in regular touch with your cousins and have a social ritual like you go and meet them.
    This feeling of loneliness is transient and do not destroy your inner peace thinking about it.
    At the age of 50 you will still have your DH by your side,your parents, your kids , handful of close friends.
    Most of all inner peace/ happiness is very essential which should be created by one own self.NO sibling can help us achieve this.
    Hope this will alleviate your loneliness partially atleast :shakehead:
     
  3. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the response. Well, I can so relate to this. I started this feeling only after marriage. Before that I was always with friends so it some how subdued the feeling. Even though its love marriage I realized that men cannot take it, if we talk against their families. Even though their siblings double standard can be easily seen they just ignore that. There is no value for our feelings. When we visit India his siblings some time don't even have the courtesy to ask "Hw r u?"also. A couple of times when i picked his call, all they spoke was is he there. Being sensitive I don't like that fact that they behave as though I don't exist when I visit his home. Where as my cousins try to be extra sweet with him by involving him in the conversations, talking about his job etc etc. Well all these are just a vent I have some how made peace with this fact. His siblings are his and I don't expect anything from him. I also used to vent in front of him about all these, but the way he tried to cover up I have stopped doing that. I don't like to bitch about them in front of my friends or colleagues. So some times its just with in me. Don't want to disturb the peace of mind of my parents by telling them these stuff. Because they all sweet talk to my parents.

    I will try to follow your tips and lets see how it goes. Husband is not very social with others. So it becomes quite hard to maintain good social relationships. All he does is work, eat and watch tv. Basically he/his siblings don't have much of social life.
     
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Siblings grow apart with time , husband wife grow closer with time . Definitely in old age , siblings hardly keep in touch but spouse is always there .

    Some people are blessed with large families but bicker due to property . Quality of relationships matters more than quantity of immediately family .Just having loving parents is more than enough .

    There are many parents in the country who don't love their children enough . They just want a son to look after them , and they keep having daughters till they get a son .They also put pressure on their children to do arrange marriage to uphold their own status in society . But your parents chose to not have son . Also you have done love marriage with their blessings . Not everyone has such loving and understanding parents . Feel blessed .

    Once you have grown children , they will become your friends and confidants. You won't even feel the lack of siblings .

    Also give time to having close friends .. the relationships formed due to common mindset and values often grow stronger than those due to blood alone .
     
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  5. goldenhoney87

    goldenhoney87 Silver IL'ite

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    As both of you are away from your families this is the right time to increase the bonding to alleviate your loneliness.
    Even though you are not inclined you can always ask how they are over phone.
    May be you can take the initiative from your side because it's your life that you want to keep happy .When your husband sees you talking to them he will start feeling happy.
    Talk to his parents whenever he talks with them.BUt talk with a neutral attitude.
    Start doing things together. Involve him in whatever you do.
    If he doesnt like to socialise only both of you go around .
    Because he had sisters he never found the necessity to go around with friends as there is always a company at home.
    Being a single daughter to drive away boredom hanging out with friends is always a loving thing to do.
    So you take the initiation to take him out.
    You need not worry much about your DH not being social.THis can be slowly developed over a period of time.
    As you said it was a love marriage you can always cherish the past.
     
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  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Count me in ! I can totally relate what you are going through . Being only child they gave me all the freedom and they wanted to see me as an independent woman, they wanted me to be brave and provided all the facilities .

    I share almost everything with my parents , sometimes I feel I should not as their only worry is about me . But since I am away from India , I want to vent out there is no one so I tell everything to them :sweat:.


    Really great :blush:
     
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  7. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all for the replies. Yeah we do travel a lot, do house hold chores together. I have my freedom financially and other wise. Still some times fell lonely. Sometimes I feel may its a problem with me. Have some past things hanging in don't know how to come out of it. Is this common? No body can imagine that am feeling lonely as from out side every thing looks fine. But he has long working hours and i feel he is not around for my emotional needs. Will try to implement your valuable suggestions and see how it goes. Hope I can come out this mindset.
     
  8. GaythriV

    GaythriV Platinum IL'ite

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    @goldenhoney87 well said and good guidance. How old are you? What a matured answer.
    Really happy to see you here. Keep it up.

    Now a day's it's very rare to see such people because many are not ready to compromise with relations specially with in-laws . Happy for the energetic post.
     
  9. goldenhoney87

    goldenhoney87 Silver IL'ite

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    Thankyou dear GaythriV
    I am 31 years old.
     
  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I do have a sibling, but he's my younger brother. Despite having him on my side, I am not really able to share my troubles with him - he is unmarried and does not understand the complexities in my frustration. He sympathizes, of course, but it is nothing like having a sister to share everything with.

    I don't think you are alone in wishing you had a close companion/friend. We all need one. I have really connected to my older female cousin since we have similar challenges in marriage and similar ideology. This helps to an extent. But to combat the loneliness, I think it is important to cultivate a strong female network. After all, as women, we need that emotional support and struggle so much without it. Our husband's can only do so much.
     

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