Simple issue, but don't know how to handle

Dear Amicable,

I have a few questions for you first. When you say your husband is good at handling arguments and that he calms you easily, what does he really do? Does he actually share/take the blame when it is justified or does he just shrug-off the argument saying, don’t worry or lets not fight etc? How does he manage to pacify you?

Let me start my suggestion by saying that it is not uncommon to have such a person in any relationship. Some people just like to absolve themselves from all blame even when it is rightfully theirs!

I think it is natural for you to get bothered by this behavior of your husband.

I firmly believe that it is very important to fight fair.

A simple solution for your simple problem is that you stop apologizing for incorrect accusations made by your husband. If indeed he was at fault in a particular situation and he admitted to it but latter on expects you to take the blame for it, plainly refuse to take the blame. Just tell him that he had agreed during the argument that he was at fault so why discuss this matter again. He will persist because he has gotten used to you saying sorry. But don’t give in. Don’t fight again but just tell him that you don’t think you need to apologize for anything. Keep calm and change the topic. Don’t let him pull you into another argument because, if you do get into another fight, it will backfire on you.

Let no amount of persuasion, emotional blackmail, bad mood deter you from maintaining your stance. Firm and nice is the way to go. Tell him in short, in a calm tone and move on. Change the topic and start a regular conversation. Go about life as if nothing happened. Let him wallow in self-pity, anger, whatever. Once you do this many times over he will get the message that he has to be fair when fighting.

Let me share a secret with you here. This is something I try to follow in any bad situation. Of course, I learnt this after going through my share of losing arguments! J.

After keenly observing other people argue both at work and in social/family settings, I have unquestionable belief in this secret. It is this - The easiest way for a person to win an argument or shift the blame to the other party is to make the other party lose their cool. Once the opposite party has lost their cool they will automatically get drawn into another fresh argument. This benefits the person who initiated the argument perfectly because now he gets another chance to fight his battle all over again and turn things in his favor. So remember that by losing your temper and your cool in any bad situation you just handed the other person another shot at winning. If you can remember this then who has the last word in an argument and who does not will stop affecting you.

Always fight fair and stick to this fairness. Just as you would be fair to the other person, be fair to yourself too. I know this is waaaaaaaay easier said than done. But in my experience until now, this is the only way to get through any argument without having to re-open the argument at a latter date and without causing permanent bitterness between the people involved. I am still working on perfecting this skill! J

Good luck.
SS