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similar to clueless5000 "difference of opinion"

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tiyamommy, Jul 15, 2010.

  1. tiyamommy

    tiyamommy New IL'ite

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    After reading clueless5000’s thread of “difference of opinion”…I also felt the need to pen down my case over here since I am going through similar crisis like him except that I am the wife and I have to discuss about my husband’s views. I am not expecting any suggestions for solutions , coz no matter how many suggestions I take , I cannot implement a solution without his cooperation n which anyways will not do since he never considers himself at wrong. So I just want opinion about who is wrong , where and am I in an emotional abuse? .. I don’t know how long I can take it. I have a kid and another kid on way. My daughter aged 3 years keeps crying “papa pls don’t get angry on mummy”, “mummy why ru fighting with papa”.. etc.. she’ll cry crazy cing me cry…
    I have some of my thread to which I am giving reference in this thread so you people can get a clearer background. My husband and me are married for 8 years with a daughter n another one on the way.
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/64548-wrong-ask-pocket-money-ur.html
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/64400-do-housewives-deserve-any-less.html
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/61736-how-do-i-get-my.html
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/59064-10-marriage-killers.html
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/58539-should-u-point-out-mistakes.html

    Last Nov I put my daughter in school so I could study. I got pregnant in Dec ( cannot call it pre planned nor accident ). Reason we have always wanted another child so thought let’s try for both job as well as baby whichever happens, happens for good. I had fertility issues , so hadn’t thought I would conceive in a single try. With the sever morning sickness , the job try took a back seat n we were convinced that atleast we’ll be done with the family n I can once for all look for career after a year or so.
    I am writing a very detailed one , you would need lot of patience to go through it. I am requesting male opinions as well here and maximum responses since I intend to share this thread with my husband. I asked him to let’s discuss with friends or a counselor , he isn’t ready. But I want him to c mine and other’s opinions as well since he lives in his own shell and believes he is no where wrong.
    I would welcome him also to come n share his side also.
    My husband and me always have had a love-hate relation. To list his good points, he can be a good gossip friend where I can discuss anybody else’s household , issues n he can talk real sense or we can share lots of jokes, watch movies together, socialize together.. Our sex life is also great. He is also a good father to our daughter, he spends good amount of time with her. The goodness from my point of view ends here.
    Or i could add, "daru nahi pita", "juva nahi khelta", "kothe pe nahi jata" which are the usual plus points told to me abt him. :)
    Coming to his –ve personality ( this is from my point of view) , could be different , so today writing openly .
    Issues in our life always revolve around money.
    1. He feels exactly like clueless5000 that I do not allow him to give to his family which isn’t completely true. And our case and clueless5000’s case is very different. Like his parents are well to-do doctors and my parents middle class ( my mother being a house wife).
    2. He totally controls how I spend but does not accept it , feels he gives me free hand at spending.
    I can quote e.gs , we both were working and we moved to our new flat and for 10 months he did not allow me to have a cable connection at home just because the cablewala did not agree to take lesser amount as neighbor. But I needed some entertainment after office hours since we did not have kids as well then. Finally after 10 months of trying to convince him, I called up cable guy myself which blew up into a fight escalated to both families.
    He made a huge fight just for 400rs curtain rods n accessories I bought as he thought I don’t value money when our total take away home was 3 quarters lakh.
    I had to fight for every small decorative piece I wanted to buy for home. Half of the time I used to curb my feminine desires bcoz I would know he would escalate it to bad heights.
    I was pregnant and insisted we get furniture from outside, to save money he got it doen at home, I had to bear the dust and dirt during my 3<SUP>rd</SUP> trimester bearing the stress of working with carpenters.
    I delivered and wanted to go visit my parent’s place with 3 months baby , I asked for car , he fought why I cant I go by bus. Finally my father had to send the car to fetch me.
    We were in Uk, where I earned for 3 months. After we came back , I never got to c my money as we worked for same company n due to some issues , my salary got deposited in his account. I asked him to give it to me so I could clear my home loan. He did not give. Instead without informing me, he invested laks of rupees in shares and lost the money which he did not inform me and I did not argue much thinking it was our bad luck.
    We used to commute to office together but our project teams demanded different timings , so I requested I buy another 2 wheeler for myself so I cud comute independently , he never listened n I would face the humiliation in the team n had bad impression on manager.
    I could go on quoting many such e.g. that inspite of being an earning member I had to curb my small desires and seek his approval for everything.
    3. Coming to him giving to my in-laws, my in-laws are professional doctors though not practicing now from past 1.5 years. Intial 3 years of marriage , we would give them small gifts like food processor , or silk sarees or small electronic gadgets etc which I think was valid when we ourselves had just started our careers. Our in-laws insisted us save money in their place which gives very good returns. When we went to book our apartment n need of money for down payment , my husband asked for that money n they blasted him saying we want the money for ourselves for all the money we have spent on ur education etc blah blah. I wask shocked instead of being happy n helping with their money , they were not willing to give our money itself just out of ego. I lost trust in them. Similarly they had kept my gold n silver for 6 years for which I had to put a severe fight to get them back.
    4. When we came back from UK , they convinced my husband to buy a new car which I dint want . I had just delivered my baby , the car came home , my daughter n me dint even touch it n they took it to their place. My husband initially said , they are going to pay for it. Later he said his brother n he r going share the amount n gift it to his parents. But after 10 months of probing , his mother said “I am going to keep it as gift for myself , never dare to ask us money”. That’s the end. Our hard earned UK money went this way while toiled with the carpenters to save some few thousands rupees. My opinion , deicision was never asked. When I confronted , the whole family harassed me mentally till I went into depression. I lost trust in the again. He has spent money on them without even informing me a couple of times.
    5. His family even suggested him to divorce me since they were finding me an interference and for the 8 years we are married , they never helped us in any way , financially or otherwise.
    6. I had to quit my job to join my husband once he was in US. I asked for financial security which he promised to put some ¼ of his take home into my account. But after coming here he totally changed and refused to give me even a pocket money of 100$. He argues why do u need, I will allow u shop whenever u need. I told him shopping is different n having some money in once’s control is different but he doesn’t listen. IF I confront , he’ll ask me to stop taking the rent of our flat in india which goes into my home loan n then he’ll give me the pocket money. Isnt that flat “ours” , since I moved to US for him , isnt it his duty to pay off the loan as well as take care of my needs. I feel suffocated not having basic expcetations also not fulfiled.
    7. He had promised me all the comforts and sight-seeing once we are in US. But I had to fight with him even to buy things like sofa n dining set . I ended up buying a sofa at costlier rate since I was new to US , n he never leaves an opportunity to nag me infront of public too. I have never stepped out of the city for any sight seeing , his argument we need company which sometimes is hard to get or u r not finding good deals. P’lem is I cannot find deals to satisfy his expectations. So be it furniture, be it outing , I aks him to take intitiative so I don’t get blamed or else leave me the whole responsibility whether I do it right or wrong which he doesn’t.
    8. Even when I got preg , I had severe morning sickness n he hardly helped , I had to take anti-nausea medicines to avoid his cribbing abt small help he had to do. He never asks abt my health , never asks me if I need any help. I do it at my own pace and he cribs about me being slow n comapres me with perfectly healthy ladies. He complains about me spending an hour on mails to friends eveyr day and a couple of calls to friends which is the only way os socializing n entertainment in the US. He sued to complain about my time spent on idnusladies as well , hence I stopped writing here. He cribs about me not working , not contributing to home as if I am his grown up son sitting idle. He doenst give me personal space I need. He argues if you can spend time on internet n phones u can as well do all the work urself. Don’t I need a break from the routine?
    9. His father suffered a major disease this year , for which we sent a major amount, we are the only ones who spend for in-laws since his argument that his brother is already doing his duty by staying close to them n doesn’t need to contribute. When he gave away the car 2 years ago I kept trying to convince him that , we need to save to give them when they need for major hospitalizations etc so car is not a necessary thing when they already had a smaller older car.
    10. In 3 years we had 2 major financial blows coz of them n now he is sending some 200$ every month to them which goes to his brother’s account ironically. He says it’s for them. I don’t understand when we are already taking care of their bigger needs why only we r responsible.I agreed to that also but I feel hurt that staying here with him , managing his kids, household n needs I don’t have a right to 100$ pocket money for which I have to fight, I unwillingly show resentment abt him sending them money.
    11. Funny thing is while we were busy sending money to his parents, his brother bought a flat there n even asked for our help for which I opposed.
    12. When I said I want to send some amount to my mother who is a house wife , he argues earn it n send it, u have brothers. But what about us , we r going to have daughters only, don’t daughters have heart for their parents. Neways I said forget abt mother, wat abt me , am I not ur repsonsiblilty as ur parents r. Isnt it his duty to keep me also happy. When his professionally qualified retired, upper class parents need financial security , wont I who is dependent on him need some financial security.
    13. I suggested him umpteen times, we sit n chalk out a financial plan where we will decide , how much goes into what savings, how much goes to parents n how much for self etc, he never wants to discuss. All he has a huge chunk of amount in one account which he refers to every need of ours. R we not supposed to save for our own retirement, kids , entertainment with clear financial plan so nobody takes disadvantage of us. His argument is , since now he is the one who earns, he will soley decide what has to be doen with his money , I have no right on his money. He feels he is providing for me. He feels providing for me as per his decisions n views n expects me to be satisfied n happy. But where is the dignity n respect n my say in our financial life as a spouse. He threatens , if he I cannot abide by his rules , I can leave him n go.
    14. Before coming to US , he begged me to come n join n mad huge promises n now everything’s turned. He gives me only 2 options , live by my rules or go away.
    15. All this makes me resent his family even more n I seriously feel frustrated n worked up n pick petty fights even if i come to know he sent his family a small thing which I know is silly. I feel so frustrated at his rude comments , I start yelling n cursing him n his family, n cry badly..And he uses this as a weapon n start complaining about me to my family , belittling them. I once gave a smaller loan to my brother after fighting n begging him n he has hurt my family n me with rude comments that they feel guilty they took that loan from me which was the 1st n last one for them. For the past 8 years, it's only my parents who have come for our small n big help that too after waiting for his family to help us.
    16. This happens almost every 3 or 4 months. In the calm period , I bottle up all his “no”s , -ve comments, compromises I make n it burst out very bad n he asks me to leave.He nags about every small mistake i make as if i am programmed machine not allowed to do so , while i hate nagging him.
    17. Why isnt he sensitive about my feelings, why doesn’t he understand I deserve luv , respect n an equal say , may be not financially I am contributing to family, n I quit the job for him our kid. And I even keep assuring him that I will work after this 2<SUP>nd</SUP> baby is mangeable but he keeps pressurizing , passin –ve comments abt anything n everything I do. And he is earning well, it’s not that we will be in fix if I don’t earn, then I feel if he has so much financial pressure then control ur spending on parents family they way u control ur own family spendings.
    I understand we need to help our old aged parents , but a limit needs to be drawn , if parents get demanding out of their own insecurities u need to convince them with ur mouthful assurance n not yield to all demands. Or else if u r not worried about future , let ur wife also enjoy some basic freedom .
    I hope you get my situation with few examples I have quoted. We luv n hate on n off but respect is zero for each other. He keeps comparing to other’s wives, so I keep telling him , their husband s did not commit mistakes u n ur family committed , n when the lady is always kept happy n never given chance to complain obviously she’ll keep others also happy in the family. Why is it so difficult for some men to understand. All this leaves me in miserable state feeling guilty of having bought 2 kids n pitying myself as to why God is testing me.
    He has double standards, he wants me to be a highly technical career oriented gal at the same time never give opinions or particiapte in decision making in his home.

    Why do men assume that what they are providing( emotionally n financially) is enuff n thier wife needs to be happy. dont they need to ask n do things which she wants to maker happy. yep her needs also have to be within limits.
    Thanks to those who could read the whole , I know many of them would have quit reading such a lengthy one J
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    There are many Mr.PERFECT and MS.PERFECTs around who feel what they feel and do is only right, that they seldom need to include a person especially if he/she is ready with a NO as per past experiences.

    Someone mentioned on another thread that apes and humans have patriarchy is common, so I guess a female still has a lesser say and has to fight and argue her way out to get justice of her choice..... what looks reasonable to you may be unreasonable to another.

    Also there are many ladies who boast off about the traditional way of giving up and laying themselves down and pampering all around etc etc which forces a lot of onlooking MEN to expect the same SuperWoman from their wife.. without even wondering what their respective men are contributing to make these ladies happy...
    Not sure how many men are buying jewellery, expensive gifts, shop around with wife, helping at home, staying away from parents and still being tagged as un-expressive :bonk:bonk:bonkloverbugs. Such people also have complains BUT have had a big heart to brush it under the carpet :rotfl:rotfl:rotflto spread happiness.


    Clue to a happy life is finding happines in whatever resources you have and expect that things might change in future for the better by reminding the spouse calmly on what needs to be changed... whenever time and situation permits.
     
  3. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Tiyamommy,

    I have a cousin who has similar issues. While her husband voluntarily spends lacs on his FOO and relatives, he is always very fussy about the amounts my cousin spends. She needs to take his approval for each and every small thing she spends even for her children. He pampers his younger brother since he stays with his mother(just like your husband thinks) much more than he spends on his own children.

    I feel if we can afford to, there is nothing wrong in helping out parents in their times of need, but there is no need to compromise the lifestyle of wife and kids in the process. After all, if parents and brother and sister are family and eligible for pampering, are not wife and kids part of the family too?

    Bluntly speaking, I think your husband needs to change his attitude and learn to give you some financial freedom too, whether you work or not.
     
  4. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear tiyamommy


    your husband has many good traits, but the way he is handling the financial matters is also a form of abuse towards you. (for clarification, please google "Welsh Woman Aid - financial abuse)

    I have known a couple who separated after decades of marriage because the husband used to control the wife profusely in this matter. The lady was not only emotionally but also financially destroyed. The only advice I can give you is to make your husband understand the way you feel when he behaves this way with money and what impact it has on you. If you cannot do it alone, try to get some neutral help from outside.

    Wish you good luck and all the best.
     
  5. madeinengland

    madeinengland New IL'ite

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    Tiya,

    I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation with little financial independence or power to make any decisions. I have a feeling that while you were working, things were still not too bad but they have got worse after you became financially dependent on him? Since you gave up your job to look after both of your kids, you should at least have a 50-50 say in how your money is spent. I'm not sure how your husband would feel about this but you could try suggesting that he pays you the equivalent of what would be paid for childcare if you sent your daughters to a childminder (minus the rent/household bills).

    If it seems your husband is not prepared to change, the best thing I can suggest is to get a job as soon as your daughter is old enough to go to nursery. Have the money deposited in your own account. Put enough money into a joint account every month to pay for half of all rent/household bills/groceries/daughter's school fees etc. with the expectation that your husband should pay the other half of all those bills (ie. you should both place the same amount in the account every month). That account should be used for household things or daughter's basic needs only, not for gifting or investing anywhere else. He should do that with his personal money that is left after paying the bills.

    Any money that is left over in your account, I suggest that you invest or save wisely, maybe in a pension scheme or some kind of high-interest savings account to make sure that you have a secure future. If there is something like home decor items etc which he feels are not necessary for the household then you can decide whether that item is important enough for you to spend your savings.

    I would also suggest you to see if there is anything you can do to set up a business from home temporarily while your daughter is young? Maybe you could earn some money doing childminding or maybe you could sell something on ebay or etsy to earn some "pocket money" for yourself.

    I also think that you should try to move forward from this, accept that he is not going to change and try to forget the bad things he has done in the past. Just concentrate on providing for yourself as best you can without his help.

    In addition, I would like to point out (in case he reads this) that it is possible that if he was not so tight with money when it comes to buying things that you would like/need then you would not be so mad at the things he has bought for his parents. I think the problem is that he has treated you as a second class person compared to his parents and that is what's hurting you most.
     
  6. tiyamommy

    tiyamommy New IL'ite

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    Thanks Shilpama, kma, bebe n maidenengland for the the responses.

    One can put past behind only when the person's behaviour proves he isnt committing same mistakes in present n future.

    He can understand his parents need a break from routine , constantly asks them to go out sight seeing for change of moods but he doesnt understand i also need it. He can understand his mother feels secure with moeny sent to her in her hands but doesnt understand similar needs of his wife. His this attitude is hypocritical..

    Right from marriage for any big or small fights , he calls up my family n complains abt me whereas i never complain abt him to niether families. I have to live constantly in fear as to what cud escalate into a complain , so all time need to be cautious. Why does a husband-wife relation need to be so conditional?

    He keeps passing -ve comments abt my education , my IQ level , saying u must have bribed people to score , or will pass comments like u were being paid inc harity when u were working , u hardly did any work or , he'll say i can have 3 wifes like u since my salary was 1/3 of his. And he expects me to take these as jokes specially when they come repeatedly n in public ( inlaws, friends). I find myself belittled and argue if u feel i am that worthless , why do u keep trying to keep nagging me to work?.. Again hypocritcal attitude.

    When it comes to buyign necessaries for home, if i suggest , he'll immedately shoo it off saying , u dont have worth for money blah blah , but after few days or months when some friend or friend's wife says , that so n so thign is a necessity in home, he'll say , may be we shud have it as so n so friend was sayign it's required. My opinion will be scrapped just for the sake that it came from my mouth. How can all other women are intelligent , he can respect other's wive's opinion but not mine. Even when we buy stuff , and we have difference in choice , he will try hard to convince why his choice is superior n sinc ei hate to nag or hear nagging , i just accept , he later claims , we got things of your choice.

    Before i moved to US , he promised me he wudnt force me to work , n will be happy to assist only when i am ready , but he started nagging rt from when i landed. Jobs arent easy now , i see a couple of fresh MS n MBA's finding it difficult to find a job. Niether had he made arrangements for day-care for our daughter so i cud study n look for job.

    i can say i was in slightly better position when i was working as for smaller requirements i wud simply use my own money n not mention to him.
    How can you have everythign all at once in a platter. U want money , u want kids , u want to move to US all at the same time.. Some people do coz of support but not all can have it. Time needs to be given to each phase n situations at that time. If we were in India defienetely i wud have easily joined back my company n probably would have grown in these 2 years.

    I tell him many times that if he treats me good , keeps me happy, set up common financial goals , i wouldnt care what is he doign for others. My resentment for in-laws has developed becoz of his behaviour towards me more than thier ill-behaviour.

    After we cam back from UK trip , when i asked my money for investment acc to my wish , he refused syaing , give me the share of the rent u lived with n expenses of food u lived with me. Even now many times , he passes those comments when i say for the household n child care in somebody else's house i cud earn soem money. If i have to contribute equally financially , then will he contribute to the pains child bearing n rearing ( since we have 2) , the time n degression i have in my career due to these reasons, will he contribute like i moved leaving behind everything for his career moves. How can the equation work like live-in partners here , when we are in marriage. Every member has his own responsiblities n shoudl respected for that rather than consider self-contribution as superior n use that to dominate the spouse.

    In one other thread women asked "if the person was using "divorce" as a way to make his wife accept his ways" , in my case also it is similar , my husband uses the words "Get lost from my home if you cannot accept my decisions" and since he knows i fear society , toll on parents n lack of self confidence i wudnt go. though not physical abuse , isnt this an abuse to.

    He has issues when i talk or write mails to my friends( all gals) since he considers it a waste of time , but i never interfere in his friendships. I argue , u shud be happy that your wife remains cheerful being wiht friends which is +ve for you. How can i just keep doing household n take care of kid for months , not go out n mingle still be cheerful. sometimes he will complain of me over-socialising , other times he complains abt me being friendly to particular people n i dont mingle with all etc. I find trapped that he even tries to control how i need to handle my relationships with friends..

    I dont get any appreciation for nayhting i do, i have learn multi-cusine since cooking from last year ..He still complains abt me not being a good cook, if i spend more time cooking , again it's waste of time.. Issue is i sit he will have issue , if i stand he will have issue, it's impossible for me in this lifetime to satisfy such a person n get appreciated for whatever i do ( be it job , or hosuehold).

    I have become more compromising after our daughter n times when we have fights, i just log on to indusladies n read stories of women who are in physical abuse or wife's of husbands with infedility etc whose woes r much more than mine n make myself feel better n go back to normalcy. But the more i am compromising , the more i loose respect for him..

    Thank u .. waiting for more responses
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,


    There is no use of talking to this guy.He clearly know you are a sensible person and you will dance to him.
    That's why was keep on telling you go away if you don't listen to him.
    Basically he is a penny pincher ,may be he would brought up that way and also he might have some biological geans in his blood and also some men personality.All are combined him.
    Since he was telling you so many times to go away,why did you went and had a second baby?There is no respect in your marraige.If the guys you respect then there shouldn't much resistance for your basic wishes and buying small things in the house for your wishes.
    I beleive there is no use of talking to this guy unless you take big steps and show him other way around.
    If I were you,I wouldn't even earn .Happily take care of your kids and enjoy time with them for time being.If you don't have command on basic nessasities then what is use of even earning?
    These people never change until you really go away from house.

    Wanted to add more:

    Each family has some kind of in-laws issues.Keep in-laws issue aside for time being and try to work on issues between both of you.
    Coming with other wives and husband is BIG NO-NO.
    As a outside no one really what goes on in each family.So never ever compare your family with other's family.If you are doing means you are destroying your own family with your hands.
    If something promised before then the promises should met and that is major blender and not to meet the promises and acting croocked.
    Coming to visiting places,what is the main concern here?Is that a money or not comfortable going around or what is the major issue?
    You should stand firm in sending some mone to your family as well.
    Don't take any pressue to look for woek as you are pregnent.Even if you start working later,lay down rules how he money save/used.If people don't meet your rumes then don't work.That's simple isn't it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
  8. tiyamommy

    tiyamommy New IL'ite

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    Thanks Priya, that's exactly how i feel , go away but where is the question? , i did expect this question of why another child.? :)
    Firstly it happened in one the those luv phases where there is an illusion that everything is fine henceforth. Secondly i wanted to be productive in soem way , so he does not nag me n since another child was on mind , thought why not use this time ,instead of going back to job , taking a break again n wallowing in it again. n it wud be easier to bring kids with less age gap together n get out fo that intial phase of parenting at once. Also after moving to US , constanlty felt my daughter needs company , as single child gets more affected in such relations , atleast she would have soembody to share her parent's woes..ya i know stupid justification which i give myself now.. My first child was born after lot of fertility treatments n prayers for 5 years n when this child happened without any efforts , it became an emotional thing that probably God wants me to have this baby since i still continue to have those issues n yet it came by easily.

    And Priya , as you said , his behaviour demotivated me from working. Feels, why should i work when it's not goignt o be much different, i would be still treated the way i am.

    Priya , there r numerous times where i felt i shoudl just walk away n make him realise , but to walk away u need some assurance of support. My family is tired n they r busy with thier own life issues. n before coming to US i lived 1 year away from my husband for visa issues , n i felt humiliated wiht people's attitude of me not living with my husband even when they did not know reasons, my in-laws harrassments. So i had a short view of what hardships women who are separated or divorced go through. And that emotional education from one n all , that a child needs both set of parents n i should not deprive my child of her father's luv n that he is not that bad n the list of hsi good qualities listed in my 1st post. I completely appreciate the courage of women who really move out coz i know it requires a lot of inner strength to face society n life in all after that.
    Everytime after fight i start lookin at separation , n then later look at ladies more in trouble n start finding goodness in my marriage n bounc eback to normalcy hoping for better future ( optimism).. But the no of times i am going thru this , the more i think on lines of separation. So i believe every couple who separates will have gone through this inner self- fights long to save the marriage before ending it..
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
  9. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    TiyaMommy - Unfortunately such kind of people will take a loooooooooooong time to change. well into their fifites once their parents are dead!!

    My DH falls in this category as well. He will try to minimize costs here but will not ask his parents why they need 200 bucks every month when his father boasts himslef as being a very influential!

    In my case I had been working here and still am. So when he tries to say something like its too expensive then i ask him - do u ask your parents what they do with thier money? then please never ask me this question again ! We support our parents and we DESERVE a little enjoyment for ourselves as well. Even if he objects I go right ahead and spend it.

    I would advise you on getting a job. That way you will have your finacial freedom. DO NOT give him all your money. Only give the household expenses. or better just daycare expenses. You do all the work anyway. Rest keep it to yourselves.

    If he complains to your parents just ignore it. Tell him that such kind of things will work only once. And if he gets angry stop cooking food that day.

    Unfortunately these idiots dont change for a looooong time.
     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Tiya,

    Did you ever tried this method.
    Don't fight with for anything.Be quite and do your work.Don't even ask anything.Does he provide basic nessasities?
    Forget about the past.Just be quite and peacful.
    Clearly tell him that you won't be looking for job and it's simply impossible and don't nag about it.
    You simply don't nag him and see how things go for sometime.Don't expect a dime from him.Make some frineds around you and find book store or something and find your own way of etertaining yourself.
    May be if you are quite sometime ,he may relaise.Never know.
    The more you fight for your in-laws the more resistance will develop.
     

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