SIL's vacation plan

loopool · Jun 4, 2013

Hello all,
I've never posted here before, but have gained immense insights reading through other threads.
I'm a working mom of 2, married 7yrs now. DH has a sister older to him and (I feel..) is possessive most of the time. So far, I've been able to handle her with very minimal direct conversations and its clear that both of us do not enjoy each other's company. She lives in the US and visits India yearly. This year, she has planned to leave her kids (12 and 6yrs) back in India while she returns to work in a month. I wasnt consulted in this decision, so I assumed that I will not be given the babysitting job. When I spoke to her recently, I asked what the kids are doing over summer and she said because she is extremely close to her SILs and ILs in general, they would help in taking care of kids. I've heard her openly bitch about her ILs and her mom has complained about her ILs to me multiple times. I was surprised when she cut me off saying her ILs would take care. In fact, when they visited her in the US,she sent both kids to daycare and after school care and would only bring them back alongwith her-mentioning grandparents are old, cannot take care of kids. What happened now? its been 4 yrs since and grandparents are younger?? I also got to listen to a lecture on 'how there is 'love' between her and her ILs' and which is why she is so comfy with them; which I find extremely contradictory having witnessed /heard of the fights they've had.

SIL's MIL has already mentioned to me she is getting old and will find it tough to take care of her kids. I am at a loss here. I feel SIL is setting this up so DH and I will end up hosting her kids alongwith PILS. because, if SIL's kids are here for 3 months, my ILs would want to stay with them, and since we live in a metro, they will cite 'facilities' and come over. I dont think I will have energy or time to deal with the young visitors for so long, mainly because my kids are only 6yr and 3yrs and school has P reopened. SIL keeps insisting her kids are really fond of their mama and cousins. SIL might butter-talk DH into her plan which is easy to do. SIL never talks direct, always through inferences and is supposedly in a 'spiritual plane'. I frankly dont believe so, she is as manipulative as can be and would interfere in DH's and my issues and the slightest available chance.

PILs almost worship SIL and silently want DH and SIL to remain together forever. Practically, ILs are in late 70s and cannot take care of 4 or even 2 kids together, but keep insisting 'everything will be fine' if they and SIL's kids stay with us.

I'm not sure what I should be doing..I've told DH I cannot be their taken-for-granted babysitter (not that telling him will have any effect!) I've mentioned to ILs during their veiled conversations that SIL should take care of her own kids and not find people here to do it for her. MIL mentioned SIL is making a great sacrifice by sending kids here and helping them bond with grandparents even though she will miss them much..I really do not understand their line of thought.

I'm counting on you guys to help me think straight. What is the right thing for SIL to do in this regard? What is the right thing for me to do in this regard?

Waiting..

ushae · Jun 4, 2013

Assume instead of SIL, it is your own sister. Then what decison you will take, the same one may be taken now

ShilpaMa · Jun 4, 2013

OP, tuff situation and all the best... pls preserve your calm and sanity..................
Which city does your parent live in?
Since the schools have re-opened u can't move to a city and house to make yourself convenient... away from ur SIL's kids...
Also remind urself that since they're not being invited by you... they'll not be hosted ROYALLY and you won't have primary responsibility of babysitting/ feeding and pampering... leave it for the ppl who are/were involved in the decision... and concentrate best on ur kids.

You have following options:
- Bond with her kids with an open heart.
- Hire extra help.. temporary to ease out physical work.
- confirm kids itenary for visit to mama, paternal grandparents and maternal grandparents for ur mental peace.
- Last .. if everyone decides to be at your home and you're really not liking it... then adjust as much possible and divide household chores equally and take things from there on... who does what.... and doesn't.
- Try to be patient with your kids... and explain to ur nephew and niece to assist them in feeding and studying....

Am sure it must be falling v heavily on the kids to stay away from their mom & US for a month... am more worried abu the decision by your SIL.... since she's never done this in the past and doing it now... .and your PILs paint "Everything is so ROSY" picture..........

Irfana3300 · Jun 4, 2013

I agree with ShilpaMa............right suggestion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Also remind urself that since they're not being invited by you... they'll not be hosted ROYALLY and you won't have primary responsibility of babysitting/ feeding and pampering... leave it for the ppl who are/were involved in the decision... and concentrate best on ur kids.

- Last .. if everyone decides to be at your home and you're really not liking it... then adjust as much possible and divide household chores equally and take things from there on... who does what.... and doesn't.]

dimhere · Jun 4, 2013

Dear loopool,

I feel for your situation and completely understand...But unfortunately, there isn't much you can do, considering your opinions were never asked.

I hope it is confirmed that they are leaving after 3 months.

Just make sure of one thing: that your kids are not compromised in this whole drama. I'm sure a working mom of two like you must be really busy. Never let them bear the brunt at the cost of stretching for your SIL's kids, while SHE goes back to work with no worries.

You need to hire more help, for sure...One question, who takes care of YOUR kids while you are at work?

Anitap · Jun 4, 2013

Does your sister in law love you as much as your sister loves you.

saps105 · Jun 4, 2013

Hi loopool,

I know having kids to stay at your place especially for a long period is not easy on you.

Please remember ur SILS kids are staying with their maternal grandparents. Same as you would visit your own parents. Just as you want you would want your kids to spend time with your parents, your SIL is leaving her kids with her parents so that can spend time with GP.

I know you are irritated that you were not consulted but tell me one thing do you think so much before visiting your parental place.

These children are living in another country and i assume they don't see them very often. and they are going stay without their parents too. Be patient and be practical dear. Its a case of just a month or so. Ur ILs are in their 70s too. How many more yrs do they have. They too must be wanting to spend time with their grandchildren. Hire an extra help if needed. U may not share much of a relation wit SIL but be fair to the children. like ur kids they too have right to stay with their GP.

It will be good for your children as well they wil get to be with their cousins too.

polymorphic · Jun 4, 2013

If you are not comfortable with 4 kids and full-time working, plz ask DH to make it clear to his beloved sister. Question is how long will she leave the kids here? I am presuming its going to be holidays in USand the kids are going to spend their holidays in india? If you are not clear of your issues , this can become an yearly thing.. Have seen some working indians do this..

mapleleaf · Jun 5, 2013

She (SIL) probably has pressures from her husband and in laws too to leave kids behind to bond with " grandparents" (paternal).....hence she has plans leaving them back for a while. They might visit you for a while but in my guess the intention is for them to bond with her in laws (I thought she made it clear to you that that's where they are going to stay). Anyways it is not the kids fault and if they enjoy their uncles' and cousins' company nothing wrong with their bonding, if they don't enjoy then they will not be forced into staying for long durations next time. Your kids might like the change and the company too!