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SIL's vacation for me it's a night mare

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, May 15, 2010.

  1. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    Its long time since I have posted here, come summer and the same problem SIL's visiting our house with their families, staying for 18-20 days but leaving a deep scar on me lest I should never forget their visit.

    Luckily this summer only one of my SIL made a trip to our place since the other SIL was extremely busy with her kids board exams, entrance exams etc.

    As usual I try to be the best host and do my part well though I know I never will be appreciated or even a smile on their faces to atleast show they are happy and satisfied with their stay.

    It's almost 19 years since my second SIL got married and left the house, but even today her Moms place is still her own place where she can demand ,command and dominate on everything.

    Ok, I understand that every daughter will be at ease in their mothers house, but in her case she is independent and stays in a nuetral family while her inlaws stay very far way visiting them once in 2-3 years.

    Once she is here, I become 24/7 maid, nor she or my MIL will offer to help in cooking but expect me to ask their opinion for the " todays menu" ofcourse I understand that's how we should treat the guests at home so no prob's with that, but treating me like a thrash is what I cannot stand.

    My MIL and SIL tend to gossib hours and hours together and not enuf her teenage daughter to joins them, I feel they are ruining that small girls mind with their stupid useless gossips which involves only lives of others.

    And my sudden entry will make them all silent as if I just dont belong to their family, it sucks when they behave so stupidly.

    The worst part is she re-arranges every bit in the drawing hall, going to the extent of placing our family pic in a corner and replacing it with her family pic, saying you guys should have pictures who are not in station and not the same people who are in the house. But her house is filled only with their family pics .

    Finaly the whole family left yesterday much to my relief, but still when I c her arrangements made in our home brings my blood to boil, its not very easy to just leave it like that, but I am helpless if ever I try to change it back, I can c my MIL literally crying and complaning as if I am a terror and one the worst DIL in the universe.

    Even my DH calls me silly and I am taking things to heart which I actually shud leave it. But only I know that I have underwent during her visit.

    Just wanted to vent out my feelings.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2010
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  2. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    You know.....my grandmother used to say: people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You have been in this family for some time and now they are used to abusing you so it is going to take some effort to turn this around. Why would they change their behavior to you? They have a good thing going with cooking etc. And you are doing everything because in your own mind you see yourself as having to do things to meet your own views of what others think you should. And in doing those things they still are not satisfied.....so why bother?

    I suggest that next time they are coming tell your MIL that since the daughters are there to take care of her, you are going to go visit your parents (or go to ashram, take a course, something to get out of there) and leave them to their own devices.

    That part about the picture sure is irritating....I am afraid if it was me I would throw it off the balcony with a great sense of satisfaction, preferably in front of her.
     
  3. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    it is indeed irritating when SILs try to dominate this much.This happens with me too...as iam pregnant,both SIL & MIL were talking about what name they would keep for my baby and SIL came up with this brilliant idea.She said that since my DH & her nick names start with 'S' we would keep a name that starts with 's'.(she said it in a v determined way...nothing like some suggestion)you can imagine v well how i was feeling hearing this.
    Wonder how and what can a DIL do in order to not let such things happen,not let people walk all over you...a lot of times they decide for me without even looking at my face if i approve of it or not.Like we bought 2 baby's posters and pasted where both SIL & MIL felt was convenient and before i was going to suggest a different place they pasted it like there cant be a better place.
     
  4. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly !! That is the mistake you are doing.
    Why go out of the way for people who treat you like trash.Tashidelek2002's first line is the key - "People treat you the way you allow them to treat you". Re-read these lines and just analyse the root cause of what happened. If you had stayed passive and just didnt bother to do much to entertain your SIL, you wouldnt have felt so bad.


    Ofcourse if they know that they can just give a 'menu' for next day's breakfast and lunch,they dont have to lift a finger and everything will be served according to their wishes, who wouldnt want it?

    Start saying a cool "NO" right on the face. Eg: If your MIL says - cook biriyani for lunch, tell her - "Biriyani is a lot of work, since I dont have help I cant make it". Let her make a scene /drama dont worry about it.

    Well, why do you want to be around 24 by 7 just to serve these people.

    I remember you telling that you are doing your masters online and also into stock trading. So, appear a little busy and say you have some important exam/assignments coming up and hence cant devote time to house hold stuff . You can gently tell DH/MIL/SIL that - "Since I have upcoming exams, I am going to be busy. So, get a maid to help when SIL is around. " Make sure that you take no responsibility with the maid. Tell your MIL to deal with her directly. So, she can just give the "menu" to the maid, not you.

    Is it really important for you to be in MIL's good books? Next time she does all this drama, just chuckle and dont bother to react, apologise or even acknowledge it.

    She is emotionally blackmailing .Do not encourage this at all.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2010
  5. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

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    A lot of people here are given such advises and while it might help in feeling a lil better not to be treated like trash what about the repurcussions....If you have a DH who already hates you and wont mind insulting you in front of MIL & SIL,(he infact joins MIL when they think yu've done a blunder)how would it make you feel any better.
     
  6. Haniya123

    Haniya123 New IL'ite

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    Hi blessed,

    I totally agree with tashidelek's suggestions!!!


    U R not newly married so as to be afraid with them... even ur SIL is not newly married.... she is married for 19 years... OMG she is having a teenage girl also...

    It is high time... whenever u get the news of ur SIL's visit, just arrang some classes or some course for u and get out of their way...

    Your SIL can take care of her mom and her teenage daughter can learn cooking...

    Even my SIL used to be like this whn i was newly married... they used to gossip and stop as soon I would enter that room... thn I stopped going to the room they usd to sit even to offer coffee or tea in the evening...

    Once my MIL and SIL made an issue in front of my DH saying that I am least bothered to serve them Coffee in the evening...

    That was my first time to burst out in front of my MIL... I told my DH, I was giving them initially but then I noticed that they would be chatting and no sooner I enter that room they keep silent so I thought not to disturb them at all.. It is not good to enter whn something personal is going on.... Both MIL and SIL had no words to tell my DH that Y they stopped their convo as soon as I entered....

    U SHOULD STOP... NOBODY ELSE WILL....

    :)Haniya
     
  7. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    I do get your point.

    But it is important to expectations.
    Else,even if you go out of your way to be the good hostess inspite of MIL and SIL being mean with you, will the DH even appreciate you for being nice? No , he wont!! Chances are that he will just keep finding faults.

    Her SIL is a healthy woman who manages things in her family. Ofcourse she knows that it is not easy to single handedly do all the work with guests around. If 'blessed' visits SIL's home with her family, does she also get similar treatment?

    You will just be taken for granted by everyone.

    In the very initial days of my marriage, when we were planning a honeymoon, my MIL said it is not important .Everyday started inviting her relatives in batches for lunch, dinner etc. So, my honeymoon days were toiling and moiling in the kitchen. Looking back i think she did it intentionally because the same set of relatives were invited multiple times.

    One of the painful memories I have is - my MIL used to dump all the left overs into my plate and insist that I dont waste it. My DH felt nothing wrong in all this.

    So, if they sense that you are willing to take all that crap, then they will be more than happy to treat you badly.
     
  8. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Blessed,
    I can completely understand your situation because I am myself in the same situation. I think it is a curse to be married to an only son, especially if he has multiple sisters.
    I have tried everything that other posters have suggested. Ignoring them, leaving them to their own devices, stop playing the 'ideal host'. Trust me, nothing works. They always find ways to make you feel and look bad.
    Their is an unwritten rule hanging in the air that married daughters visiting their parents should be allowed to rest and should be pampered by the DILs.You try to break the rule and all hell breaks loose.They go around telling people the poor daughters have to work so much even when they are visiting and everybody feels oh so sorry about the poor daughters nobody gives a damn about the DIL because she is deemed an unpaid servant.
    There's a battle going on out there and whether you win or lose, you certainly end up exhausted.
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Blessed, you have endured years of this tolerance level and still going on.. :bowdownkudos to you.

    When we know that we can never enter into good books then what worth is it to remain a good host? After so many years of marriage I think yu can just turn a deaf ear to a few things that you dont want to do.

    My opinion- I shall prefer that MIL & SIL stop gossiping once I enter, I prefer not to hear the rubbish.

    If I really cant tolerate the combination I shall book my tickets for other location for their visit duration or maybe midway when things really go bad...
    always hire servants/ cooks.. train them for the rainy days... so that you dont become a subsitute in that house instead of being the lady of that house.

    I tell them NO, am not in the mood to do this or that..
    Eg: Once all had come over to my place, they returned from a day temple visit at 6 pm and me from office, I cooked dinner for all.. no one moved, then I was filling bottles when they sent SIL's DH for a request of X # of tea, coffee and milk... I told him Sorry its not on the menu :rotflkitchen closed, he went back and MIL came rushing... How could you .. blah blah... still I walked out of the kitchen..... some people are too tired to move a hand after a nice tour but not tired to eat and drink endlessly on someone else's expense. She made and served with a long face but her daughter dint move an inch... niether did I.
     
  10. DevikaS

    DevikaS Senior IL'ite

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    People will treat you in the way you allow them to treat you..

    It is your own fault.. you should command respect and authority in the home.. be more involved in the family matters and treat your SIL as if she were your own sister.. and treat the home as if it were your own home..
     

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