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SIL's hurtful words.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by asuitablegirl, Jun 5, 2011.

  1. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think that you should do a printout on this and take it with you when you visit her for the shots and discuss this with her. I have found its best to lead life by finding out what to do and then figuring out how to do it as opposed to figuring out what you can do and then finding a short list based on that. Method two limits the universe tremendously. If you decide to go there for treatments, then PM me and I will talk to you privately. I don't know if I have any solution but I will do my best.
     
  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I can't figure out how to pm you!
     
  3. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    Just saw yr msg, ASG (travelling in India, so limited internet access!)

    I was told that the condition itself was caused due to lower level of estrogen, and that the oral pills reduced the hormone levels. Hence the ban...

    pregnancy itself kind of reduced the pain (apparently, again due to naturally increased estrogen) I had a C-section (coz of other medical issues, NOT VP) so dunno abt the streching due to delivery though.
    Yes - estrogen cream helped a lot. I also was put on corticosteroids for a brief while ,and that DIDN"T help - just increased the irrritation more, if that's at all possible!

    Yes - I know you cannot get pregnant just coz of this - but once I was off the pills, we went for "abstinence " (no intercourse during ovulation), and coitus interruptus....obviously didn't work! I was quite young when my son came along (22), and always felt inadequate then....we didn't have any financial or emotional woes, but I still wasn't mature enough....if your doc does decide to take you off pills, maybe you should get a better control mthd than mine......

    The discomfort has never really quite gone away. It started just after marriage (for months, I didn't get myself checked ...told myself that the first few times were always difficult anyway) But the estrogen has helped a lot. Didn't have any injections, but was giving pain numbing cream, and that helped too.
    As for intercourse, perhaps I dunno just what I'm missing, but it's relatively painless, just the burning sensation you've described, though now, it's NEVER as bad it was during the onset of the symptoms....but I'm able to do my "wifely duties"(!) pretty well, and I AM leading a relatively normal lifestyle.

    I think your treatment should be a combination of medical and lifestyle changes. Like I found the symptoms increased dramatically when I was under stress. Have never worn tights or lacy underwear....so many changes, and they all DO help!
    Tashidelek's post on pelvic floor exercises was spot on....I really havn't tried it much. Perhaps I should take it up...

    I hope your symptoms do get resolved, ASG.....1 in 8 women suffer from vulvar pain, and it looks like we're the lucky ones!

    If you read this before going in for treatment, then all the best....sending lots of good wished yr way!

    P.S: Do get yrself an understanding OB/Gyn. When I first went in for diagnosis, i was in India, and had an absolute martinet for a doctor. She simply refused to acknowledge my difficulties, and suggested we get "creative" in bed....ha, as if!...I always felt the symptoms half melted away the moment I switched doctors!
     
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    ASG,
    You have always come across as a smart confident woman in most of the posts here. Suprised that you took some silly words of a silly woman so seriously.. Anyways, ilites here have given you wonderful suggestions of how not to be vulnerable.. By this time you also realize that your SIL is not trust worthy!!..
    Well, If i were you, i would have told her that what she is speaking is nothing more than a mere opinion.. It is not a fact.. To top it, i suggest you to send all lovey dovey pics of you and your husband together through email.. just to show her how happy a couple you are and you re not a rebound.. If possible you can also remind her of how bitter the relation is between your husband and his ex and how much your husband despises his ex.
    Even if she comes to your home to visit you, make sure you hang up real happy photos with your husband all over the house. Showcase her all the reminiscences your husband has given in appreciation of your support to him..
    Just do this and have fun looking at her face go grumpy!!
    GoodLuck
     
  5. littlelost

    littlelost Senior IL'ite

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    Hey ASG,

    I have read several posts of yours and you come off to me as a very smart, independent person with a good attitude.

    I agree with the previous posters, never share things about your H or your issues with her. It opens up your lives to her and she thinks she is free to comment on whatever she pleases on. Draw the line. My SIL tells me about my brother, things which upset her or any issues they have-I just listen, I don't even offer an opinion or talk anything bad about my brother because she will misinterpret it to him later on.

    I have sometimes vented out to my SIL and guess what-- it gets broad casted to the entire universe. All her relatives know what a mess my life is. My brother already tells her every little detail, but I realized that I should know what to share and what not to. He can tell her, but I need not--that draws the line between me and her.

    SIL can never be a sister or a confidant. As much I as consider my SIL like a sister, she would not. That is how it is I guess.

    Also, I do think she is jealous of you, some people are just petty--they don't need huge reasons to compare or feel j about--the kids and overweight I feel are huge reasons. The simple fact that you and your MIL are getting along is enough of a reason for her to feel jealous or act weird.

    Why should you care a rat's ass about what she thinks about you? As long as you and your H are happy together and have a solid understanding, she is nowhere in the picture. I am glad to see that your H supports you and thinks she is a moron. She is. Nobody with any little sense would talk all what she did to a person who is already crying or upset.

    I feel my SIL judges me too that I have a broken marriage, don't have kids etc, it hurts at times, but I always tell myself in my head--'You are not in my shoes, you did not have to go through all the crap I did--so if you are judging me--first you are probably not right and second, that shows how immature you really are'. Your SIL is the same--immature and insensitive.

    Always remember, you have stood by your H through tough times, he knows and you know what you are--you have absolutely NOTHING to prove to SIL or anyone else. When this registers deeply, you will not feel self conscious any more.

    How to deal with her when she visits?--Be cordial--treat like her like you would any other guest--that's about it. Don't even give her a chance to say anything nasty. Keep conversations to the minimum. If it gets out of hand, do let her know that you are not interested in listening to her nonsense/ walk away.

    No one can make you feel inferior/bad unless you let them, so don't let her do that to you. If you have to vent about any issues--vent it out here on IL, I guess we would be more sympathetic and non-judgmental listeners

    Take care,
    Hugs




     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2011
  6. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    I really can't understand why you think that when she says hurtful things to you, you should be hurt. I think you should put an end to this non sense once and for all. Next time when she says anything like this, tell her clearly, you don't like it and if she mentions it again, you are never going to talk with her. She has just one brother and trust me, maintaining a relationship with your and your DH is as important to her as it is to you, so no need to bend backward to please her. Show some self-respect. She is much older than you doesn't mean she can say whatever she likes.
     
  7. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey ASG,

    How did the treatment go? Hope it's all OK......
     
  8. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey Asg..
    I'm visiting here after long.. and whats this girl.. you are getting intimidated by some nincompoop??? listen havent you heard empty vessels when they fall make the max noise??? its insecure dissatisfied poor souls who love to poke their nose in their peoples business and declare who is fit to be married to whom... their own marriage is on rocks and they go around standing and proclaiming judgements on others... JUSt IGNORE her and your victory will be that when she comes however much she may want to intimidate you just be most courteous and hospitable...if she wants to be BESt Friend discuss all the trivial of the neighborhood and soap opera.. gen news.. economy.. hindi movies... but stay away from any personal topics reg yourself/ H/ MIL/ FIL or anyother family member .. if she starts.. change the topic.. buy her gifts and give her the best week of her life.. that way she will go back with a good opinion and memories..& you will prove to yourself that you could rise above the situation....
    hope your apptmnt with the docs was ok...

    K
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Wow I came back here this morning and saw all this great advice, and felt really blessed to have so many people who care and are so wise.

    You know, I have to change myself and start feeling more confident and respecting myself. That's the whole thing. I respect other people more than I respect myself, and it ends up with me always getting put down. Because when she said all that crap to me, initially I was mad, but then you know what I told her "thank you for your honesty". I didn't know what else to say!!! So I freakin thanked her! Oh God, I want give myself a slap. I'm so stupid. My dh is also saying that I should have taken her on and stopped her bullying me. He says no sense in cowering to her over the phone, and then standing up for myself once she's hung up. He says I should have put her in her place the moment she started attacking me. I'm SO ready. Next time if she starts something I will clearly tell her I'm not intersted.

    As for when she comes to visit, I will do my duty as a host and be pleasent and that's it. Anyway I doubt she'll pick on me in front of so many other people. She usually saves her criticism for when it's just me and her.

    My skin had actually imrpoved so much down there, that the doctor decided NOT to do the injections. She told me to continue the estrogen cream for another month. If it improves to the point where we can have sex and feel no pain, then I will continue on the cream. If not, then I'll get the injections in a month. Then if that doesn't work, I'm going to consider going to that colorado pelvic therapy center that tashidelek reccomended. In addition to having the vulvar vestibulitis, I also had a yeast infection, so she gave me medicine for that too. Thanks everyone for caring. I feel great to have avoided the shots. And I'm very hopeful that pretty soon I will feel normal again 'down there'. :thumbsup
     
  10. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    "Do not share any problem with others if they are your relative with the exception being parents and good sisters/brothers."
    This is my conception since the last few years. People try to act as though they are helping us out of the situation. They come to know about our problems in our life and later (if not for now) they treat us differently.
    So better wind up all your negative emotions towards your husband in front of your SIL. Even if you have problems with ur DH u can sort them on your own, Never discuss these issues to such people. If u want to have advice, come to indusladies, or go for counselling to a psychiatrist (of course, without the knowledge of ur SIL, MIL and FIL and any others.) U can only inform ur parents about your situation.
    Never again commit such mistakes. Tell your SIL that things are back on track with your DH (even if it is not so) . There are problems in every household.
    She ll only take advantage of your situation and speak hurtingly. Many people do this. So avoid discussing marital problems with DH's side kinsmen once for all. Also in ur side I would recommend that u discuss it only to ur parents, if u r comfortable enough.

    Regards
     

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