SIL's hurtful words.

We don't know your day-to-day situation like you do, but if she is doing this to you, believe me, she is unhappy and jealous of you. More times than not, the fact that a pauper is happier than a prince will make the prince jealous.

The mid-50 year old person I work with looks like he has a picture-perfect life, in his suburban house, his educated wife, and kids who are street smart, and take up various extra-curricular activities. But after seeing this person over time, and reading between the lines, one realizes that God cannot make such people happy.

By definition, backstabber is someone who will search for your soft spot by pretending to be your friend. When they find the soft spot (may take months, years), they will attack. It makes one really fearful of making friends because they feel everyone is out to hurt them. It's really unfortunate that people hide who they are so they can feel superior.

 

Hi ASG,

Please don't feel bad about your self. YOU ARE NOT A REBOUND. YOU ARE THE GIRL WHOM YOUR DH FALL IN LOVE AND MARRIED YOU.
You know while reading your posts, I felt bad because, we post all kinds of advises, suggestions to our fellow ilets, but forgot to mention this one "NEVER EVER DISCLOSE YOUR PERSONAL LIFE TO SILS (dh's sisters)" . Your post reminded me of similar situation with my sil. I too was close to elder sil (is 8 years older than me) and used to tell her about our personal fights. Our fight was mainly on kids. I was shocked and hurt when she backstabbed me and labeled me as a dog, witch..... That's when I put a stop on discussing my personal problems. Now we are in talking terms and sometimes share jokes but I never bring up mine and dh's personal matters.
ASG, You are very smart and lovable girl. Though you are only 23 (12 yrs younger than me) but you are highly matured girl.
The only thing that matters is your dh's opinion. Does he also thinks like your sil? NO! right?
One more thing... Never disclose this matter to your mil. Your relationship is just blooming with her, please don't talk about your sil. If your mil comes to know through sil and she tries to discuss with you, then just brush off by saying, I'm not worrying about her talk at all.

I wish somebody would bring up HER first marriage and see how SHE likes it. But of course, I don't have the guts to do that. Or maybe I will next time. I dont know.

Same here ASG. My 2nd sil lives separately from her ils. She does not welcome them in her family. She controls her husband to some extent to not to invite them to our house, manages his savings. But she expects me not to stay away from my fil, not to involve in my dh's financial matters, not to have joint account... I wish some body could tell her to first take care of her inlaws before commenting about me.

When your sil visits your place, just be casual. Welcome them (because you cannot say don't come, right?!) and make their stay comfortable. Remember even if you slightly show any kind of negative attitude or anger, you will be accused of not being a good host.(I have been gone through that phase too!)

 

ASG:
Lot of shoulds going on in this present mess. You should do this and that for dh family, she should respect your private statements, you should give money, she should treat x and y better, etc etc. Shoulds are a sure recipe for unhappiness. I hope you can un-should yourself asap...I think you will feel better then.

 

Just be deaf to her...she will give up eventually. She only continues because she has an audience. Anyway, who cares if she thinks he married the wrong woman. Sisters/relatives all over the world think this and the world doesn't stop.

Upon looking over my past, I can remember all the things that weren't right with me to other people. I was too fat, too thin, too smart, too stupid, too timid, too agressive, too poor, too rich. There is always someone who doesn't like this and that about us and they sing this stuff like a bird in the tree. Our happiness must come from within and not from without. For some reason, some people like to chisel down others...its just how the world unfurtunately works. Your world will not end or be diminished just because you cannot please her or have her like you. Listening to her just feeds her power.

 

Dear ASG,
I completely symathize you. But you being a strong and brave girl, should not be affected much by what crap your SIL says.

Do not know, she might have had the habit of loose talk without knowing the consequence of that. Even age can not make people mature in this regard if this is in someone's blood.

Great that your DH understands her Sis well and recognized it as a complete trash. So you are there! You have the right person with you. Why do you care about her! Just turn your deaf ears to her as far as any conversation is concerned. It is she who has to realize what a blunder she has done, not you who will feel bad about some nonsense!

The matter which might affect the most at the moment is that your SIL and her H are visiting you. You may talk to your DH openly as to given the recent circumstances whether you are ready to welcome them at your place (am sure you will not be). In case, he can not help you there, it is your turn who has to act absolutely stern and cold when they arrive. It is not required that you raise your voice or sob to express how disgusted you are with her. Your cold behaviour should signal her everything.

Cool down, Dear. Your should not be perturbed by what someone has to say about you!

Wishes to your DH to get the issues resolved at workplace. Take care if you and your DH.

 

ASG, why do you give so much importance to your SIL when ur dh himself does not have too much trust in her. Going to In-laws complaining about your dh and any problem ALWAYS backfires unless your IL are really understanding. Be polite and talk generally.Talk about 100 other things and keep personal topics to min. If she says abt her life, its her wish. You are not obliged to return the favor.You dont have to pour out your problems to such people. Sometimes when we talk we can get carried away and tell them things which makes us vulnerable.

Your dh married you because he loves you. The world may say 100 things. Thinking about it you are wasting precious time that can be spent with your dh.

 

That is sooooooooooo wrong! It's horrible!!! OMG!mg:
LOTS OF HUGS TO YOU ASG..

You should confront her ASG. It doesn't matter if she creates a big scene, but it's just soo unethical and wrong to disclose this confidential matter which is woman to woman. Don't ask her any questions why you did, but just tell her strongly that you confided in her because you thought she was like your elder sister but never expected this matter will reach to your ils. Tell her your trust is broken. I don't think she will apologize, she might not even accept this mistake but she will realize within herself what she did was wrong.

A time will come when your DH will be sooooo fed up with his sister's comments that he will give her proper dose that she will never forget in her life. That will shut her mouth and will stop commenting about you.
I hope it comes soon....

My DH too tolerated for years when my sil was badmouthing me. One day he lost his temper and literally yelled at her at top of his voice saying "no body in this family are going to raise voice or badmouth against my wife. I know what kind of woman I have married and you just shut your mouth and lead your family life. "

 

A wise guy once told me - "Never tell anyone about your problems. 50% couldnt care less about it and the other 50% are actually happy about it". A piece of advice I swear by

Maybe its the kind of person I am, but it takes me a long long long time to share my real inner secrets with anyone. The type of stuff you are sharing with your SIL, I probably wouldnt even share with my sister. In anycase, I guess the lesson is learned. All you can do now is ignore her nonsense and be more careful when you talk to her.