1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

SIL's hurtful words.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by asuitablegirl, Jun 5, 2011.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    359
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear friends,

    Things with my pils are good. They call me up, give me support, treat me like a daughter now, and are really happy to have me as dil. I feel really lucky to have their approval.

    My sil is another issue entirely. Me and my dh were having some problems and all that because of his job and he was acting really hard to deal with. Anyways, my sil calls me often to see how I'm doing so I told her how the job problems with my dh are becoming a lot for me to handle and how when he gets angry he says really hurtful things to me.

    Background: me and dh had a love marriage in 2007 after meeting in 2005. He was previously married (arranged marriage) mid 2003, seperated in mid 2004, divorced in early 2005.

    Anyways, my sil decides last night was the perfect night to tell me that I was a 'rebound girl' for my dh, that I was a 'mistake', and all that crap.

    I know it shouldn't hurt me, but it did. After my dh's divorce, they IMMEDIATELY tried to put him in another arranged marriage. So how come it wasn't too soon for him to pursue a relationship with those girls THEY suggested, but in regards to me, she thinks he pursued me too soon? She herself is divorced and married again, yet when my dh does it, it's a rebound? My dh knew his ex wife a few weeks before marrying her and my sil approved of that, whereas he knew me for a year and a half before getting married, but she is saying 'we didnt wait long enough'. Now after being married almost 5 years to my dh, she is asking me why couldn't I just have stayed engaged to him and asking why did I have to get married? She is also saying he just used me for sex and wasn't really in love. :oops:

    Why does she have so many double standards? Also, she is telling me that my mil thought I was a mistake too. When she knows I'm feeling good about my mil, why does she have to say such hurtful things like that? She also kept bringing up how much money she spent on my dh's ex wife and all that for the 'grandest wedding ever'. When my mil called me today I was feeling so sad inside thinking that in her heart she doesn't want me. :-(

    My dh says his sister is full of sh*t and hung up the phone when she started all that nonsense. But now my sil and her husband are coming to visit in August for a week and I don't know how I can face them after what all she said to me. She says real sweet words sometimes and ACTS like my friend, but out of nowhere she will just hit me with the insults.

    How should I deal with her in future conversations or when I see her in person? My dh says she's a moron and that I should ignore her, and that if she says anything rude he's going to say something back to her. But how do I live with that inner embarassment that everytime she looks at me, she is thinking I'm a mistake.... a rebound girl..... and that my dh never really loved me... and worst of all, that his ex wife should be here today instead of me. :frown: I feel so self conscious. :hide:
    p.s. She is 39, I'm 23, so there is a big age gap too. I don't know how to handle her.
     
    Loading...

  2. babycorn

    babycorn Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,012
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    I have faced something similar to this with my MIL today.The main mistake from our end is talking about our personal life to them.You told her about your husband's job problems and how hurtful he says etc.

    Believe me..I did this mistake of sharing everything with my cosis and MIL including the health problems.Later they started to treat me like a slave.

    Your DH is extremely supportive from what you write.Ignore her totally.When she comes do your duties like a SIL and dont overdo or dont expect anything more.I have fixed this in my mind although MIL does not allow me to stay peaceful.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    359
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    That's what my dh said. He said by talking to them openly, it's like inviting them into our life. But see, she got my gaurd down because she says things like "You are like a sister to me, I'm here to support you, you can come to me with anything..." and then WHAM she hits me where it hurts.

    When I tell my mil what problems are going on... she focuses on the PROBLEM itself, like my dh's job issues or the way he has lost his temper and she tries to think of ways to solve the problem. My mil doesn't go off on a random tangent like my sil does. My sil LIVES in the past and loves to rake up my dh's prior relationship. I wish somebody would bring up HER first marriage and see how SHE likes it. But of course, I don't have the guts to do that. Or maybe I will next time. I dont know.

    Sorry you have faced similar things with your inlaws. It's not very fun, is it. :cool:
     
  4. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,489
    Likes Received:
    2,030
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    ASG:
    My take on all this: she said all that to hurt you and she may or may not believe it...who cares. What I have seen is that (unfortunately) many people get triggered into statements that hurt you went they see you in a mental state of weakness. I am constantly amazed by this even now but I can only correlate it to social order of chickens...they peck the weak chicken, sometimes to death. Keep up the assertive front with her and don't take this to heart and further weaken yourself. And take your husbands advice...ignore her, she is a moron. Think back on your state as she saw it when she hit you with this...it may illuminate the situation.
     
  5. SHS

    SHS Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    651
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Asuitablegirl

    You are a very strong girl then how come this strong girl is reacting like this today??You can NEVER EVER BE A MISTAKE OR A REBOUND GIRL.

    Trust me some people only know to pass comments and hurt others.You know how much you love your DH and how much he loves you..You dont have to know it from your SIL.When her own brother doesnt have a good opinion about her then why are you giving her so much importance ??Just ignore her completely.Some people are very cheap and we cant really do anything about them..cant really go to their level.The only thing we can do is to keep distance from them and thats all.

    You have absolutely no reason to feel self conscious..You are young,intelligent,independent, good natured ITS YOUR SIL WHO SHOULD FEEL SELF CONSCIOUS IN FRONT OF YOU right ??

    So Please stop thinking so negatively.You dont have to prove anything to the world.You are happy and thats what really matters.

    Love
    Stuti
     
  6. babycorn

    babycorn Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,012
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    My cosis is exactly similar to this.She will talk all milk and honey words and extract everthing from me inclduing my sexual life and the struggles we faced to get pregnant.She will say dont say this to MIL,but she will go and say to show that she is an obedient DIL and Iam an evil.She will curse MIL to me and pamper her with gifts in my absence.

    When I invited people to my bedroom,it only increased my mental stress and doubled the problems.
     
  7. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    533
    Likes Received:
    129
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi ASG, Like other's have said, just don't give her more fodder for comment. No one else but the spouses know how good or bad their marriage is, so don't even give a second thought to her opinion, or what MIL thinks of you based on her opinion, for all you know she is putting things out of context and making it all up.

    She's not what I would call "confidant" material. Many people are insensitive **** who take perverse pleasure in hitting below the belt when someone is very vulnerable - that's what she's doing. It's also very likely that she's just passing on her own negativity and insecurities on to you with all this... whatever it is, it's not your problem to troubleshoot. Just don't let her walk all over you (and you of all people I know, very well know how to do that!) ;).

    Cheer up, you're a fantastic woman, and you know it!
     
  8. zipzipzoomzoom

    zipzipzoomzoom Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    673
    Likes Received:
    444
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Your SIL is probably jealous of you and hates you in her bones because you are happier than she is.

    ...


    I am 30 and work with a male who is his mid 50's. He is jealous that I am
    a) 2nd generation American (headlines, "India/China are stealing American jobs")
    b) more educated than his daughters who are around the same age
    c) employed, unlike his daughters
    d) more respectful to my parents than his daugters

    He would pretend to be a mentor, then turn around and say that so far, my jobs were a joke, there is no real responsibility in them. For the past few months I have ignored him, and if he asks something, I reply back to him politely. At first, this guy was actually angry that I was ignoring him, because a lot of people come to him for advice because they think he knows what he is talking about (he gives weight loss advice even though he is a fat fried chicken who wears expensive suits), but then other things caught his attention, i.e. his internal family, health issues.

    I understand work dynamics are totally different from family dynamics. A lot of times, I get mad at myself for not realizing this jerk (and others from the past) are only pretending to be a friend, a mentor, just to stab you in the back later on.

    Age doesn't cure stupidity and cruellty of other people, please keep that in mind when you have to deal with your 39 year old SIL.
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    359
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    I was crying, upset, didn't know what to do... and I believed that she really liked me like an older sister, so I felt safe talking to her. That's when she delivered the low blow.

    Because I have bent over backwards to be a good wife. I have done more for my dh support wise and caring wise than his parents or sister did for him in a lifetime. The ex wife who they hype up as being the greatest girl on earth filed false complaints with the police against him and then took all his money and ADMITTED even before the wedding she was madly in love with her own ex husband. I fought to get him legal status in this country, I helped him look for jobs, I stood by him when we were living paycheck to paycheck in a hotel room. I have done EVERYTHING to take good care of him, yet she still calls me a MISTAKE. It hurts, because as his sister, I would have expected her to at least be thankful he's married to a decent girl now. If some random person insulted me, I probably wouldn't care. But considering the fact that she's "family" it hurts to hear that she (and supposedly her parents too) think I'm a mistake and that my dh just used me to get over his ex.


    Exactly, she EXTRACTS the information. Then uses it against me later to make me feel stupid. It's horrible when family breaks your trust, because it makes you feel like.... who can you believe in?

    The thing is, she never confronts me with hurtful things when I'm feeling normal and secure. She only does it when she hears me sounding lost, confused, or really sad. Already I was crying about something my dh did, and that's when she started in on what a mistake I was, how I should have just been happy with a permanent engagement instead of a marriage, how if her brother had had more time to think he wouldn't have married me, etc. All I could manage was "...what?" and then I couldn't stop crying and she just repeated her views on me over and over again until I said "here talk to 'dh'". He talked to her for a little while, told her she didn't know what she was talking about, and then hung up.

    She is very smart, has a great job, a really nice husband, she has a lot of friends and support from her parents, she has a lot of money, travels around, gets invited to parties and events..... I don't know why she would ever be jealous of me. The only thing is I can have kids and she can't, and she's overweight and I'm not. Those are the only two things she could be jealous of, but considering how great her life has been in other ways, I can't imagine her being jealous of me just for those two reasons.

    I don't understand why people do this. Why do they do that? If they want to be a mentor, be a mentor. If they want to be a backstabber, be a backstabber. But why pretend to be a mentor, when you are really a backstabber? Why can't people just show who they really are!!!
     
  10. babycorn

    babycorn Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,012
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been there.I was utterly shocked,rather broke into pieces when all the sensitive info I have shared was broadcasted to everyone.They made fun of me whenever I cried.

    Iam the only daughter to my elderly parents and I was like you,got married when I was 22.I did not have anyone to share good/bad things.So I did this mistake of sharing it with her who claimed that she is like a sister to me.But she was simultaneously spoiling my image and portrayed me like an evil.

    My MIL has this preceonceived notion about her DILs.Elder one is angel and Iam an evil.I have decided that I can never enter into her good books even if I sacrifice my soul.

    Its good to hear that your DH is supportive and also your inlaws.Just IGNORE her.

    Trust your DH and share everthing with him.Pour your heart here.It is not going to offend anyone,but provides some solution.
     

Share This Page