Silent Treatment

It is an immature and abusive behavior. Stop trying to make up every time and see what happens.

 

hmm .. well .. this might not have been the first time where you thought you will not take initiative to break the ice. And yet you might have given in. 20 years is a long time to be spoilt pampering.

I guess I dont have any suggestion here - except say it explicitly that you are not going to tolerate silent treatment. I think even you can take him for granted if he is doing so. Enjoy the silence. But I guess thats not really how relationships work. Maybe this is your thing now. Every couple has a "thing" right. This isyours.

 

We all know that Gandhiji got us freedom from the British with ahimsa.

Following ahimsa he did not passively go about his business. He gathered people, he took ownership of his motherland, made his own salt, refused to use western products, challenged the British to take him seriously and bring him to the table for negotiation.

I encourage you to follow the mahatma and not stay passive. Your actions should force the opposite party to the negotiation table while you follow ahimsa.

For inspiration read mahatma's autobiography or read snippets of his experiences.

Life is too short to live by another person's definition of us. Define who you are and wish to be.

Good luck!!

 

How is he as a husband and father? Life is too short,so do you feel like wasting time when going silent or relaxed?
Need this info.

 

He has figured out silence at his end results in breaking your will. Different people react differently to show anger and it is your way to express it and it is his way to remain silent. Right or wrong, you have entertained his silence for 20 years and you can't break it in one attempt. It will take multiple attempts to change his behavior of remaining silent. Assume he is sulking on his behavior that you called it out strongly as his ego is hurt. Once you have called out his bad behavior, the action and reaction are over. Apparently, you feel bad for his silence and it is a form of guilt. Guilt-wrapping is a common way people stroke their own ego.

Next time when you break the ice, tell him that you have done it for 20 years and you don't intent to do it for long. Give him a notice that it won't work anymore. If that behavior doesn't change by this discussion, you have to consider that you have to live with it but don't compromise on calling out a bad behavior. Unless you express what are your boundaries, he would keep crossing those boundaries.

 

How is your husband otherwise? Is he a good husband and father? I ask because if everything else is fine and it’s just this one irritating habit of his then is it possible that he doesn’t know how to say sorry? Don’t be surprised there are many Indian men who were raised never to say sorry. Saying sorry is viewed as weakness and unmanly.

Maybe he feels bad but doesn’t know how to initiate the ‘ok fine I screwed up. I’m sorry let’s be normal!’ phase’? Maybe all his life the other person took the initiative- his parents his siblings etc? Maybe he thinks you are still angry and when you get over it is when things will return to normal. And that he has nothing to do with the process except wait for you to get over it. Maybe it never even occurred to him that he can sped up the process by saying sorry or expressing regret? Is that what he’s doing? Think about it. Could this be the case?

If so you have to teach him. And it will take time. When things are normal again whenever that is, tell him clearly you have to do this, this, and this, to show your regret.

You really need to have an open talk with him at some point. 20 years is too long. Even what I wrote above is inapplicable unless you know - does he even realize he screwed up?

My h is well aware when he screws up because I inform him in no uncertain terms, sometimes several times, and even at the top of my voice!! so he can’t claim he didn’t hear! What are the interpersonal dynamics between you two? Are you able to talk openly?

 

Sounds like you have had enough. I don’t blame you. You know the situation and him. I wish you all the best.

Try not to be emotional when you speak to him. Be calm, firm and polite. Though you are frustrated don’t show your anger. Your tone should be like sorrowful, resigned and almost reflective like ‘is this where we have ended up? Is it even worth it?’ types. But be firm also. You have decided enough is enough and don’t plan to back down. When he gives his reasons etc let him speak fully without reacting or getting emotional. But don’t get distracted and start arguing some unrelated grievance. Let any such attempt to sidetrack pass by silently and stick to your main points. Decide ahead of time like now itself what exactly are the changes you require and expect to see and spell them out calmly. If you were in charge and he said fine tell me what do you want- What will you reply? Think that through. Make a plan. Modify or streamline it etc and keep it ready. Some changes etc may occur to you if you plan it out. It’s better than blurting something in the middle of an argument.

Finally, When the discussion happens - make sure to clear the air completely so both of you are on the same page. Discuss all the related issues also so there is no more lingering resentment. Otherwise no point to all this.

My best wishes!