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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by newwife, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Hermit crab, I would recommend trying to get to working, even part time is fine. I just got back to work full time after a very long break and it has done wonders to my confidence. Working outside has also given me the strength to evaluate my marriage and see where I stand at this point of life ( and future too).
    Indian women in general are more forgiving and seem to take a lot more **** than our western counterparts. I often wonder how these Indian men would handle a gori wife . I think these same men would be happy making that dry sandwich and feeding their gora wives ( and eating it everyday without complaining). Only because these women would not put up with any of their typical chauvinistic behavior.


     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    In my opinion husband can be trained . I agree that her DH hitting her is a big problem but the fact he didn't resort to it after intervention from elders gives some hope that he might be someone who does coward acts behind the door but actually is scared of consequence. I don't think OP even mentioned she is inclined for divorce. The advice is given based on what she wants . I feel in this case divorce should be last option. There is a kid involved . OP seems to be too naive to allow this kind of behavior from husband for this long. If she shows some tough love there is a chance he might come around.
     
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  3. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    I cannot believe there are other husbands too like mine. I thought I was the only one cursed . They get sadistic pleasure from disrespecting wives I guess . I work outside home... thank god for that . I have my own savings as well. We do currently have a joint account and I deposit my paycheck into that but we mostly use it for joint expenses and I have freedom to shop and buy whatever I want. In fact he will encourage me to shop for good things or go to spa etc ....(he wouldn’t want to publicly appear that he restricts his wife or that she is shabbily dressed ).

    He will also take me to expensive dinners , buy gifts , flowers etc (and will be sure to post pictures on Facebook)

    But behind closed doors first it was physical abuse...when he was exposed he started emotional abuse through silent treatment . On mother’s day he pretended like it was just another day. I stayed strong and didn’t mind either . He did give flowers but made it seem like a chore .., sent me 3 year old in the room with flowers and he said happy mother’s day without eye contact . Then of course wanted to take a picture with flowers which I declined . Didn’t want to post any fake happiness on Facebook and worst is when ur treated like crap and your relatives and friends going thumbs up on Facebook or commenting how nice your husband is

    He tried to offer to go out for lunch but again I said I already had cooked and didn’t want to go because the day before he was commenting in car how some women don’t deserve nice dinners etc from spouse because they don’t know how to behave ... indirectly referencing me .

    That’s the thing with him... he feels that if he takes me out for nice dinners or buys gifts I shojld take abuse here and there from him or his family coz the gift somehow makes up for it . So this time I just refused any mother’s day lunch ... didn’t want to make him feel I owed him something

    In the afternoon saw a post go on Facebook where his posted his moms photo and said he was thankful to have best mom in world. I went for a shower and cried in shower coz this was the woman who had made my life hell

    But then continued with rest of my day . In the evening he started making some attempt to talk to me and becoming polite may be a little not sure why but I just ignored and focused on myself

     
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  4. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree I don’t want to stroke his inflated ego anymore . His mom and sister already do that . They constantly tell him what a great husband he is and no one is as lucky as me to have a husband like him. If he picks his plate and puts in sink they praise him for that and tell him he is so kind and considerate and he actually believes it all and thinks he is all of those things
     
  5. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Next time,when he say something like how some women don't deserve a nice dinner from spouse,ask him directly what is he implying.. Ask him why is he treating you like a piece of crap and then worry about what you may tell to your daughter. Tell him he need to worry more about the examples he is setting for his daughter. Read this..

    https://www.couplescounselingchicago.net/10-warning-signs-you-have-a-narcissistic-husband/
    You are doing a good job by ignoring his antics. But the question is how long you can do it. Ask him to seek some help.
     
  6. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    @SinghManisha
    Yes, I shd try to work outside home for my health and sanity.
     
  7. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    @newwife
    One thing I learnt on this forum is that many of the MIL, SIL, husband stuff is similar to many other peoples' life.
    I like the way you are managing your life. You take care of your looks, go to parlor etc. Also, work outside home and are earning. Many things are in your favor.
    The FB posts can be very annoying and ppl use to convey messages in covert way. Also, the indirect talks is so annoying.
     
  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Good to see you are starting to hold your own, OP. Keep it up. You will find it easier as time goes on.
    Ahhh this attachment to one's spouse is so deep that every slight pierces so deep! I am guilty of this too.. but I've learnt that one should not be emotionally so dependent on them. I haven't mastered this yet, but am working on it inch by inch.
    Don't concern yourself with what he posts on FB about his mom/sister/family members - what else do you expect a guy to say about his mom! :yum: That too on mother's day!
    I'm thinking that your husband seems to give a lot of importance to appearances/image in public...I'm wondering if you can tap that to your advantage...
    But before you really go there, you must practice some emotional detachment... once we get sufficiently detached, it becomes easier to respond coolly to their slights/behaviour in a more appropriate way... and when they sense that we are cool and we won't break our hearts over their behaviour, they start trying to engage/trying to get us to do what they want in some other way. And then you can take a stand on how you are to be treated if they are to get what they want :)
    I had an awful mother's day too... but this year, I was ready for it. I didn't wait for him to treat me well. I planned an outing the day before itself and enjoyed :smilingimp: And then just lazed around on the day. Despite that, I still got upset by his actions and ruined my evening. But lesson learned. I thought about what happened, zeroed in on what I wanted to happen and how I can make it happen (by myself) and just went ahead and did it today. And feel much better.
    When you start standing up for yourself, you do start feeling a bit better even if it hurts - its like doing the right thing not the easy thing...
    It is a poke, refuse to get affected! Give a witty response, at any cost show obvious disdain. "Like I care" is the attitude. And next day, go for the dinner - why slog on cooking?! Its not about the action but your attitude - be like yeah whatever, I'm having my fun, say what you want. Better yet, go out with friends!!!

    The situation with your child makes me angry. I don't know what is the best response but some ideas:
    - When child comes to you, smile and take the child away and engage her in some other way while you finish your job (don't let her go back to dad). Don't let her be used as a messenger.
    - Go to your husband and tell him firmly and sternly that whatever arguments and issues we two have, we are dutybound to protect our child from it - don't you pull her into this. But to say this, you must be ready to act on your words - he should know that you will not take this and there will be very unpleasant (for him) consequences.
    -See if you can do something like this... I know your child is young, but you'd be amazed how much they perceive, when you actually talk to them about their emotions/how they feel...
    I hope others have a good solution for this. But whatever it is, do not retaliate defensively, nor ignore it. Tricky, I agree.

    Sorry for the long post..
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2019
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  9. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    What about men who have such spouses?

    I used to face silent treatment for the smallest of mistakes, until I started a new policy of not apologizing. If its a small matter and I am treated bad because of it, I am not going to apologize.

    There are sadistic women out there as well, who society supports, because their husbands do not speak of their bad nature to others....
     
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  10. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    Very well said : )

    What I do not understand is why so many sadistic women end up with easygoing husbands and so many easygoing wives end up with sadistic men.

    If only there was a way to encourage like minded people to marry like minded people !
     
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