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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by newwife, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    I have tried in past talking of relationship , building bond etc... but he will turn everything around and blame me for status quo. In the past I have accepted it as my fault just to make peace but now am fed up of continuously accepting faults

    From what I can see is that he likes to treat me badly or make fun of me in front of friends and family . Like
    Pick on statement that I make and call that idea ridiculous or put me down in someway . Or do wierd things like before I can get out of car in mall parking lot walk off with my daughter so I am lagging behind them . Either I accept the behavior and pretend like nothing is wrong or if I call it out I get silent treatment

     
  2. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    I am working full time
     
  3. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    So current situation is this :
    1
    Silent treatment has continued but he has started talking as per his convenience . Example he will call and ask where are you (when he got home from work I was out with my daughter ) . I said swim class ...he hung up since he had got the info he needed

    2. Where is my checkbook ? I said “I put in office because “..... he said that’s it I got info that I needed u don’t need to talk further and took off.

    I am not minding it at all. So be it.

    What bothers me more is this:
    He tells my 3 year old stuff
    “Tell mom to change ur clothe”so
    “Tell mom to give u bath right now “
    Then my daughter asks me to give her bath and I tell her I am finishing some office work he will insist her that tell mom to give bath right now and my daughter will keep insisting or he will tell her oh is mommy rejecting you ? Is she saying no to you ?

    Or he will inquire my daughter ... what did you do today ? Where did u go ? Who was mommy talking to at store ? How long did she talk ?

    I feel this is unnecessary stress for a 3 year old to be questioned so much . How to handle this
     
  4. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    @newwife
    My husband givese same exact silent treatment. It is so similar. Even the mall situation.
    One time he ran far ahead of me in mall, and I was lagging behind. He and kid got in elevator and then 2 ladies and then me. The ladies started saying nice things about my kid and he was gloating. Then my child said, mom it’s our floor and the eyes fell out of 2 women. And their jaws were on floor.
    I realized that an outsider doesnt recognize from any thing- body language or anything else, that he is my husband.
    He is so weird just like urs, same not interacting, only having fun with kid.
    He has not changed
    He even used to try to take my infant to costco alone, leaving me at home, when I clearly was rushing to get ready, weird, dont understand
     
  5. VidyaSuresh

    VidyaSuresh Silver IL'ite

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    Since you are working women and not depending on your husband, why do you want to stay with him when there is no happiness in your married life. what is your education and type of job. If you are financially independent, move away from him.

    He is a saddist and hit you after delivery and not allowing your parents to be with you, when his family treats you badly he is a silent watcher, he speaks to you thro' your daughter and enquires about you with whom u were talking at store, where you went - how does it bother him with whom you were talking in store.

    Why do you ask him are you hungry and then you warm food for him, when he has hurt you a lot.

    Why do you want to tolerate all his pain and how long are you going to since he has not changed these many years, is he going to change, don't wait for his change. Be brave bold and divorce him and dont live with him becoz your daughter needs father and what the society thinks / talks.

    He is praising about your in-laws to your daughter so that she must not hate him becoz he is afraid you will tell the real facts about In-laws to your little one in future.

    Why are you giving your cheque book to him, are you giving you entire salary or part of your salary also to him, has he shared with you his savings, his salary. You have mentioned he is maintaining VP level in big corporate then whey does he take your checkbook as VP level salary will be sufficient to run a family.

    If you are giving your entire salary or part salary, pl stop henceforth.

    Think of moving away from him with your daughter.
     
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  6. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Don’t give any of your money to him. Save yours and run household on his. Get an account unknown to him.
    So similar, mine is also a big shot outside home and a gentleman.
    He didnt want me to work so I dont work but still have a seperate account.
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    He is communicating his needs well. Follow his footsteps, ask whatever you want :) and talk normal.

    Why he think its your job to do this.
    You can tell daughter, see mom is busy , dear, ask dad to change your clothes or wait till I am done.
    Same again.. dear ask dad to give you bath, i am busy now. If he is say no , then tell the same sentence (he is using those sentence , because he know that it will hurt you and you will immediately follow those instruction, he using his brain to get things done in his own way) to her. Or explain to her, kids understand it..use sweet words, hug and tell her I will come soon.. You need to show him that you wont take any commands given through her. Once he realize it he will reduce or stop it.

    He is doing it because you are following his instruction given through your dd. Dont do it even she insist. Its not a big deal- it can wait, isnt it. Give bath or whatever when you are comfortable . He can also do it. If he is not treating you well, who is he to give commands through another one. Follow your schedule instead following his schedule. At least tell him this way is not acceptable.

    If I were you, I will express my displeasure at this behavior. I have faced it one or two times in the first few years of marriage, I told him, if you are not ready to wait for me or not happy walking with me, I am not interested to come with you or why you asked me to come with you. You can run as much as you want, but don't expect me to run after you. I cannot do it. You need to respect that.

    If you face it again, tell him on your way to destination that if he runway, you are not going to run after him. Take your mobile with you. If he runs way, let him, take your own time.. and enjoy your shopping once you are done, call him and reach where he is or inform him where you are or go back to your car. No need to chase him. Take it easy.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2019
    Vaikuntha likes this.
  8. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    @newwife I'm really sorry that you are going through this. This is my take on this issue . From what you have posted in this forum looks like he gets pleasure by treating you like this. The only way for you to break this cycle is stop giving him the pleasure. If he is calling you please don't pick up the phone. There will not be any emergency so don't think about extreme situation here. Next time when he goes to mall just last minute change to casual clothes and tell him you are not in a mood to come. If he ask anything to your daughter ask him in front of your kid to ask amma directly .Wear nice clothes . I would say dress well, eat well and enjoy this silence period. Think back to period of time in your childhood. What made you happy ? Try to do that. Don't make your happiness dependent on human beings who don't treat you well. I would also recommend you to do meditation for 10 mins every day. You came alone to this world and you will go alone . Joy and happiness have to be created within you. Why do you wait for your husband to make you happy ? All these years you have wasted by waiting for him. Change your life. In my opinion your case doesn't warrant separation or divorce. Your husband is having a power struggle with you. Plans things around your life without him. Invite friends or family during the silent period. You should utilize this silent period to do anything that he has restricted you from doing. Believe me your husband will come around . You should be so happy when he goes to silent mode next time he should be scared to do this. I would also say look for triggers and avoid situations which will make him go into silent mode - this is little bit of compromise from your side but sometimes relationship is complicated you have to give some and get back something bigger. Slowly steadily build a bond with him and tell him he is your first preference in the world. In your fights he has accepted a flaw in his side which might have triggered some ego inside him that you won't respect him. Give him reassurance he will come around.
     
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  9. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    This is more than a power struggle don’t you think ? What reassurance should the OP give to stroke her husbands already humongous ego ? She is being treated like hired help whose role is to cook food / clean/ look after the daughter . He has also hit her right after she gave birth to their child ! Should she really go through additional pains to show him he is her first preference in the world ???
    I apologize in advance if I offended you in anyway.


     
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  10. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Gold IL'ite

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    My thoughts exactly
     
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