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Silent Treatment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by newwife, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. newwife

    newwife Senior IL'ite

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    Hello,
    I would like suggestions on how to handle silent treatment from spouse.

    My husband is not very good at communicating and has a big ego I.e. he would prefer that I never point out any of his mistakes

    Our marital conflict started early on when my MIL and SIl tried to dominate me and treat me badly as well as constantly insult my family. While my Husband sometimes acknowledged they were wrong , mostly his suggestion was that I ignore their treatment and continue to be kind and friendly . Whenever I stood up for myself or talked back to my in laws I would face a long period of silent treatment from my spouse (often lasting weeks at a stretch ). During this time he would go on with his normal life joking and talking to my in laws at dining table while I would sit quietly and have no one talk to me for a month or so at a time ( my own family lives in a different city). This would somehow give me panic attacks and I would beg his forgiveness even though I wasn’t wrong only for this silent treatment to end .

    Fast forward 6 years into marriage; we have moved to a nuclear family due to my husbands work relocation . We now live much closer to my family than his and see them more often than his. Outwardly he will never show my family that he objects me hanging out with them . But every time we are to visit my family before and after the trip he will become distant and stop talking . Then inevitably after the trip to see my family he will find something to be mad about such as me not paying enough attention to whether he ate or not or something minor like that and start a fight with weeks of silent treatment .

    The latest round of silent treatment has gone on for 3 weeks because of e went on a trip and I forgot to pack shower gel ! While I know I should ignore it and not let it affect me it makes the domestic life miserable . He won’t tell me what time he will be home or whether he is going to eat dinner at home. If I call him to ask a question he will answer the call with “what do u want” and hang up before I can say bye . Worst of all he talks through my 3 year old child . “Tell mom to change your clothes . “I am going out for 30 minutes and I will be back soon” “ daddy is working late today and won’t eat dinner at home .” He gets my 3 year old to convey these messages to me and it makes me so upset that he puts this kind of stress and burden on her . We hang out with friends like normal and he will talk with me in a group setting to give an impression our lives are normal . As soon as friends leave he continues his silent treatment . His silent treatment is also an excuse to sit on couch and not do any household chores or participate in any way .

    He won’t go to counseling as he is never wrong and everything according to him is my fault . I am so fed up and I worry about impact on my child . How can I cope with these circumstances .?
    Sorry for the long post
     
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  2. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    I am not in to marriage but a suggestion.. why don't you ask your child to tell the dad to convey the same to you and handover the phone to you?
    Some sadistic men take pleasure in seeing others low. in this case i would suggest you to keep yourself high and give back the same silent treatment for 2 weeks and see how his behaviour is
     
    Thyagarajan, Itsmylife143 and shravs3 like this.
  3. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Your husband has a passive aggression problem. Usually passive aggressive people are coward that she don’t want to be seen as aggressive but they want to show their anger some how and hurt others. They will be scared of honesty. Never talk about past instances to him. You forgive the past and restart life. If he tells something to upset you before meeting your parents, ask him why? What is bothering him? You tell calmly it’s just a shower jel right let’s not talk in harsh tone. Take him for a walk and speak. When he speaks via kid ask him “why are you talking via 3 year old”. Let him answer for why? Passive aggressive behaviour is really difficult. These people have very less self esteem and get really scared if the opponent is strong and honest. What they want is the opponent to be passive aggressive like them and keep on doing silent wars. So I would suggest you to restart your life, take him for walk. Talk about his good qualities. Ask him what he likes in you. And then talk how you can better your relationship. Do not talk about your inlaws for sometime. First try to heal him through love. When he shows this behaviour ask him calmly. You might see him change slowly.

     
    priyasudheer and newwife like this.
  4. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    This is exactly the story of many indian women. I was able to relate to it, every line of your post. You dh thinks he is the winner as he has made u miserable and he did win it as u are miserable

    Only giving the taste of his own medicine works here. Get your own set of friends and be happy without looking for him. He will realize his mistake and stop this crap

    My ex used to do this and i will be miserable. That time i didnt have family or my own friends where he lived. If it were to happen today i would use it to my advantage

    This type of silent treatment pushes women into affairs and unnecessary relationships with other men.
     
    aahuti, ramya8085 and newwife like this.
  5. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    Does he get into silent treatment immediately after you confront him whenever your MIL or SIL treated you badly? Will you be insulting your MIL/SIL when you are confronting with him? If yes, I think i have the answer. He may not like you repeatedly proving the point ( say discussing with him that they are wrong) when he knows they are wrong. I did the same , it is very natural that as a human you want to question your MIL and SIL,instead you question your spouse about them, i did that too with my spouse. When i discuss this with my spouse, i used to be very verbal, and he did not like it.

    I observed something in my spouse as well. When i talk about the bad things about my MIL, he used to find out bad things about my father and mother. He would prove the point that every human will have positive and negative. If i find fault in MIL, he will sure find fault with parents.

    He is manipulative, playing games and he is trying to hide something. You better figurewhat is he upto!!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My blog : www.quora.com/profile/Rekha-K-75
     
    newwife likes this.
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Passive aggressive behavior is best handled by direct confrontation , setting boundaries , assertive communication. Begging for forgiveness will only encourage such behavior. Make it clear that this is not acceptable.
    Pretending like things are fine and going about your day to day life is a temporary fix. You need to tackle this at its roots.
    Let him know what the consequences will be and implement them.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    There are many dimensions to silent treatment. Avoiding conflict, taking time to be normal again , controlling, abusive ,giving punishment, gaining sadistic happiness, make the other person apologize for one's own fault, blame game etc to mention a few. As you are away from MIL, dont bring past to present conflicts as it can weaken your marriage and create more issues. If you dont have anything good to say about them, avoid talking about them to dh. No one likes their parents to be blamed even when they knew its their fault. Dont allow anyone to mistreat your parents too. In other cases do what you think is right, apologize only when you think you did some thing wrong. Here are some tips I think you may find useful

    How to Get over the Silent Treatment

    Running away from the problem can be a solution but facing it head on may work better in some cases. Find what's best for you as you only know it better. Life is an experiment, try different ways. Confront only when you are in a composed way, find the reason for his behavior, try to communicate, if he dont respond after so much efforts, talk as usual and enjoy your life. But dont go after him asking forgiveness ( he should apologize for his childish behaviour You are not his mom or servant. You are his life partner).As you know him for the last 6 years, dont take these episodes to heart and get affected by it. He should realize that his silent treatment has no effect on you. You are happier than ever. Then only he stop it. Stay calm . Work on that goal.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2019
  8. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Like everybody else told you - ignore his passive aggressive behaviour. Don't let him drag you down along with him.
    He wants to be a baby? That is his choice. Talk to him as you would normally but to the point. Do not stress out.

    You MUST know what your priorities are. Choose your battles. If you see him sulk, and you want to know why? ask him. If he answers "did not pack a shower gel" Just say Oh! that's all? Okay! and just walk away. It is NOT important. Don't address it. Do NOT apologize. This will confuse him. A few more times and he will realize it is not working on you.

    At some point, he might ask why are you not responding when he goes all silent on you. Tell him, you thought he needs some quiet time and you wanted to give him that. OR if you want to be straight with him - tell him you have NO time for that kind of drama.

    Now coming to using the child as a pawn - it is disgusting. Tell him point blank - "do not use the child in your games. Treating an adult like sh!t is bad enough, you better not do that to a child". Do not compromise on this one. Make sure he know you mean business.

    If he doesn't want to talk to you, that is fine - ask him to leave a note where you would find it.

    I repeat what I said earlier - Choose your battles. if you ignore his behaviour towards you but take a stand against his using your child - he will know he has to stop.

    All of this will work only if you make up your mind to not put up with his bullsh!t
     
  9. newwife

    newwife Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you for your valuable responses. The more I think of this the more upset i Get at this treatment
    In the last 6 years I would say 50% of the time he gives me silent treatment of some sort. When things r bad he won’t talk at all. When things r good he will talk selectively but keep himself engaged in his hobbies interests and tv . He won’t ever call me for small talk or to ask about my day. He will always ask talk to the point for info he needs and cuts me off to avoid anh excess talk . Once in a while he will be in good mood and he will go over the top at this time buying gifts, talking Romantic etc and I try to take advantage of that by responding back to build bond but inevitably when. Next fight happens it goes back to silent treatment

    I feel used coz he will have small talk such as when I ask r u hungry etc be be like yes warm food ...anything that’s to his benefit but when I ask next question about something I need it will be back to silent treatment . He pays no attention to whether I ate or not .

    I got myself busy with my life and my daughter to keep myself away from this stress but now he has started to use her .he offers her treats all day so she always runs to him. He will wait around for me to wash her , change her and feed her and he will dominate rest of the time with her . When we r going out he will tell her let’s go and just take off with her and not even wait for me to get out of car . I walk alone in the mall or anywhere behind them and sometimes my daughter will say let’s wait for mummy but he will ignore her keep walking
    Does he just have a big ego? Is he sadistic ? Just thinking of the silent treatment I will get I think twice and do not even confront him on many things

    th
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  10. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Looks like he is punishing you or having some grudge or loves to torment you. You can ask him or ignore him and get new friends and have more fun and teach him a lesson
     
    Radha99 and Anusha2917 like this.

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