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SIL jealous of her own brother

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sita2223, Feb 10, 2010.

  1. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    I am a new member in this forum. I came across this website 2 weeks ago while Googling 'trouble with SIL'. I went thru this forum and its really nice that the ladies here help each other. So I registered with this website and here I am with my problem.

    I got married a year ago. Ours was a love marriage. My ILs personally do not have any problem with DH or me. This post is about DH's sister (my SIL). She is 3 years younger than me, but has the mind of the cunning ladies we see in TV serials. She is jealous of everything and everybody. She is especially jealous of her brother. She lies to her parents about her brother and creates fights between them. She created problems during our marriage by trying to postpone and even breaking off the marriage. When that did not work, she made sure that my ILs did not spend any money on their son's marriage. I did not even get the wedding saree/mangalsutra as per the tradition.

    Now, ILs are planning on getting SIL married this summer. She has started screwing up my DHs relation with his parents again by suggesting that DH should take a loan and pay for her marriage/dowry/jewelry/sarees etc and even though ILs are financially very strong, they tend to become extra greedy under her influence. Even though she created problems during our marriage, DH is willing to fulfill his responsibilities as a brother and buy her sarees/jewelry but refuses to be taken advantage of by his sister.

    :confused2: I am very concerned. I don't want my DH falling-out with his parents. Please suggest how to make my ILs see some sense and trash my SIL's wicked plans.

    :thankyou2:
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2010
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  2. ish333

    ish333 Senior IL'ite

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    I think it is between your DH and his sister. As a brother your DH wishes to do his duties which is good.:). It is better to snub this issue for your peace :biggrin2:
     
  3. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Aishwarya,

    Thanks for responding..

    At the time of our marriage, due to SIL's interference, DH and FIL had a falling-out and did not speak to each other for months. I being a new-comer to the family did not interfere at all.. BUT.. the ILs accused me that I was controlling my DH, which is not true. My DH does not let me involve in ILs matters, let alone control him. :roll:

    History is repeating again. I don't want to be blamed again. Also, I like the family as a whole. I don't want my ILs to be mad at us.

    :help
     
  4. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Sita,

    How do you know they had a fall-out because of what your SIL said around your wedding ?

    How do you know you didnt get stuff because of your SIL's tantrums.. ? How did you know that it is your SIL who is at fault entirely ?

    When being adults your hubby and PILs dont think the root of the problem and fight with each other than find out what went wrong ?

    If she is cunning and immature, what happened to your ILs and hubby's thinking ? They arent immature right ? If they can get so vulnerable and intimidated by some girl who is soo younger to them, then you cannot blame just your SIL..

    I didnt understand this sentence of yours -
    DH is willing to fulfill his responsibilities as a brother and buy her sarees/jewelry but refuses to be taken advantage of by his sister.

    Did you mean, he is ready to pay for her marriage but is not ready to listen to her tantrums ?? When, he is doing just that ? I mean, had he decided to spend for her marriage before she started th loan tantrums, then I agree .. But of he has decided that he will pay after she said she wanted him to spend, then what is the hue and cry here ?

    Or do you mean, he doesnt want to take a loan but will handle the wedding by himself ? Even then what fall out are you talking about ?

    I am sorry I dont get it.. Maybe you are trying to say something, but arent clear.

    Regardless of wether he takes a loan or not, if he wants to spend for his sister's mariage, what is the issue ? I dont think, you dont want him to spend.. But I dont understand why you expecting a quarel between your FIL and hubby for nothing ?
     
  5. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello Preethi,

    Guess I haven't been clear in my post... I don't know where to begin... but I will try to answer your questions.

    In short...

    Everything was going fine before SIL came to India 1 week before the wedding. She took the wedding saree bought for me and when DH asked MIL if she bought another one for me, SIL started fighting with DH. Suddenly FIL treats DH like an enemy, for reasons better known to him. MIL refuses to give mangalsutra.

    This is not the first time SIL created rifts between DH and his parents, so not a big surprise.

    As for why they dont think about root of the problem... well, DH understands what the problem is... but when FIL starts yelling he doesn't listen to sensible reasoning given by DH.

    If DH tries to talk about any problem when FIL is cool, just bringing up such a topic ignites FIL and he flares up. So, DH says that they should realise it themselves.

    Unfortunately, yes, my ILs are very vulnerable and emotional. SIL is full of honey-coated words, where as DH is a typical male, who shows his emotions in actions rather than lovey-dovey talk. SIL takes advantage of her brother's inexpressiveness and ILs vulnerability. DH knows and understands what is going on, but prefers to avoid fights/dramas and hence keeps quiet. DH's refusal to confront the situation makes it much easier for SIL.

    NOOOOO, DH has no intentions on handling the marriage himself. He doesn't even put forth his ideas because SIL creates a hue and cry if ILs like any of DHs ideas. :spin

    ILs are financially strong and they didnt ask DH to fund SILs marriage. DH talks to his parents and ask them what they want him to do and does just that. But SIL has a habit of testing her brother's patience upto the breaking point. I dont know why, but she enjoys provoking ILs against her brother.

    For ex: ILs would like DH to buy SIL jewelry, so he gets gold jewelry, after getting the gold jewelry, SIL insists on diamond jewelry when she very well knows DH can not afford. ILs know this too, but within a day or two, they seem to have a change of mind and fight with DH that he should buy diamond set. DH is not in a position to take a loan even if he wants to.

    The reason I fear about falling out is, DH refuses to even try to explain to ILs because he knows very well that the moment he begins to explain, FIL will start yelling at him without even listening to DH. So DH prefers to keep quiet rather than indulge in fights.

    Deja-vu... DH and FIL stop talking to each other... MIL too stops talking... and ILs for some reason blame me in front of all our relatives. Since I spent only 2 weeks in India after wedding, none of their relatives know about me and so they believe ILs and suddenly I am the bad guy. :hide:
     
  6. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Ok.. you have a whole lott of immature people around you ! :bonk
    FIL/ MIL and SIL alongwith a hubby who doesnt want to or feels incapable of confronting..

    Taking away the bride's saree is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.. Group of nuts !

    Anyways, forget about what happened.

    About the marriage.. If your hubby cannot afford to take a loan, then he must simply SAY so. He needs to learn to say NO, Sita. I mean there is no point in just feeling no one understands him and so, not drive the point.

    Ok.. if they dont understand his point, it is fine..but that doesnt mean he needs to give into tantrums of his silly sister or really immature parents ! If he says, they arent going to understand , then he needs to face the consequences too. No go. He needs to grow up and REFUSE eird things he cannot afford.

    When he talks to his parents, he needs to clearly mention this and this is ALL that he can afford and they shouldnt be acting weird the minute his sister opens her mouth !

    If they did, this time, he probably wouldnt even be able to do what he can and wishes to do .. Period.

    The more they " yell " and howl without understanding what he tries to say, it might simply mean, that they want to pick up on fights that are useless and would even avoid the wedding.

    Bottomline HE NEEDS TO LEARN TO SAY NO WHEN HE HAS TO !

    But, Sita.. there is nothing you or me can do here. I can write, you can read,.. but things will be fine only if your hubby understands when he needs to be frank and say NO.

    If he thinks it is better to do stuff bending backwards rather than say NO, then this drama will go on and on and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

    If they blame you for anything, smile and say, yeah, like I have no better work than get into this whole drama.. Just keep me out of all this, I dont care what you people think about me.

    DOnt care, what others thinks about you, Sita. Just prove you are a nice person to be with with your behaviour. People who are important and worth you, wouldnt listen to what others say and judge you .. So, dont give such people any undue importance !

    Take care..
     
  7. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    DH did stand up to ILs about SILs behavior during our marriage. That was the reason of the falling out between DH and FIL. Because FIL wanted DH to support SILs stupid tantrums and fight with me instead.

    Is there no other way??? :bang

    'Either' confront the situation and break up with the family
    'or' don't confront the situation and give in to SILs demands.

    Looks like a win-win situation for the SIL.

    We loose either way. Is there no other way?? :help
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sita

    One point you have to understand here is...your SIL was not born yesterday and this is not new to your husband...they are siblings and they know each others behaviours very well from childhood. Am sure your husband also knows his parents behaviour and how they react to things/people.

    Then why are you making it difficult for your husband by raising these behavioural issues??? Yes your SIL is jealous of your husband i.e her brother, then about you then about the whole world..so who cares???

    I guess you have stop bothering how she behaves, and what tantrums she throws at others, and best way to deal with such people is do what you can and rest listen and ignore!!!! I am saying listen to them because being a sibling and son its your husbands responsibility to be there for them either physically/emotionally...so lending a empathetic ear to their tantrums is ok as we know they are just tantrums and ignore and move on with your life...

    If you could stop botheirng about these issues and what others/world thinks about you/your husband and let your husband also have some peace of mind, even if he feels bad for such situations, you have to tell him that these behaviours cant be changed over night or over a day or a month or a year...it takes lots of work that too from both sides...so STOP expecting her or someone else to change...

    When you know its bothering you, then distance yourself, and stop making this topic spoiling your happiness. Do what you can and convey the same and you can STOP all the silly fights and tantrums they throw at you..as you wont react to them anyways...Remember if you react to them or explain to them about their tantrums, its like encouraging them to behave the same way over n over again!!Dont give undue attention to silly things and you would see how easy it is to deal with such difficult people.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  9. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Unfortunately some issues dont have too many options, Sita. Even if they did, there are very few things you as a DIL can do.

    But, I dont understand how it is a win-win situation for your SIL if you break up with the family by saying NO. You mean, she would want that ? I mean, think about it, Sita .. If parents are ready to give up on their own son because of some stupid tantrums from their daughter.. then do you think the relationship is even worth it ? Whatever said and done, there is very very little you can do. Either your SIL needs to grow up or your PILs need to. You dont see either happening isnt ? What would you do, if your sister was so and your parents supported her blindly ? You either give up or just give in isnt ?

    P.S - Sita, you mentioned elsewhere that people ( we, I assume) dont understand what you going through and may find it silly. Had we, members found it silly then, we wouldnt be spending our time and mind over your thread isnt ? So, just because we ask you whys and whens doesnt mean, your issue is silly. It simply means, the member wants to understand the issue clearly. Or if you expect only people who go through situations like yours would understand you well, then we wouldnt have so many success stories in IL .. from members who have got many advices from strangers who have gone through no problems on their own. Please understand and value the members who spend time on writing back to you, even if it is - How I wish your problems sort out , i pray God.

    Thanks.
     
  10. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Unfortunately, YES. When things are normal between DH and FIL, SIL seems to feel threatened. This is not 'my' imagination. My DH knows that to be a fact.

    Preethi, no offense intended here. :cheers

    Based on a few instances, nobody, including ME, can really understand why a person is taking small things seriously. I was just showing my support to the girl who wrote the post, because I am in the same boat and I understood how tiny things pile up into something that bothers you.

    Really, no offense intended to anybody in this forum. :cheers Cheers again!
     

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