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Sil Is Really Is Costing Our Family Too Much

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by gitika, May 22, 2017.

  1. gitika

    gitika Senior IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    This post is in connection with my most haughty, proud, arrogant SIL.

    1)My sister-in-law is too too advanced. She is just a fresher, and she never even has any good features like gud looking, but still she acts as though she is QUEEN of the house, she always watches TV, and only shops, she behaves as though she is really very gud looking, and no one is better than her in my family, she Don's the whole house like anything, she openly orders my mom to cook all favourite food items she wants. The only thing she has given to our family is a kid, she never acts maturely, she never even does small household things even if she does, she leaves halfway in the middle which again falls on my mom. My mom used to throw and bang utensils, when I used to not help her when I was child and that too I was studying for exams. I used to help her even during the exams. But now my mom has transformed her ways that she is treating her like a QUEEN and GODDESS, even if any of her dad or brother or sister comes to our house , my mom prepares 3-4 dishes and gives them. My mom always has the habbit of preparing even most luxurious and very complex dishes and giving to ordinary maids working in the house. Other name that can be called of her is "DANA shoora karna". She just thinks she is Miss universe and none should order her work, and she is there only to enjoy all the breakfast,lunch and dinner my mom prepares. I really get shocked that whatever she requires even she orders my father also SO boldly, in fact me and my mom think 10 times to order my dad to get something. She always speaks a lot, and asks all her friends, relatives, college mates, her mom dad to often come to our house and my mom has become a slave to her, like the moment someone comes to our house even if it's some beggar, she donates the most freshly prepared items so so generously, by this you can imagine what pain and trouble she takes to expend towards this girl's relatives,friends etc, and she always talks on the phone inviting her friends, father,mother to come u to our home, also they come and stay for entire day, which again increases the burden for my mom, my father's meagre pension also is extravagantly expended that at times he ends up with crunch of money buying all household stuff, materialistic stuffs she orders and gets all her friends,relatives to visit to our house due to which my mom takes extra pleasure in coming multiple dishes and serving them .

    2) Even my brother is like he wants his wife to enjoy more by troubling my mom and dad more. I have seen many girls in my office who just take 5-6 months for maternity, but this girl has extended her LEAVES to more than 1.5 years, so that she can happily stay and enjoy in my mom and dad's house. She even orders my mom to prepare all the favourite items, whereas when I was child even tell leftovers used to be served less for me and all the things used to be given only to my brother. And to add salt to injury my mom used to always bang utensils, create hell lot of tantrums that my home appeared to me like hell hearing her scoldings, spreading rumours and complaints to my dad, my dad getting furious and scolding me heavily, & also she used to taunt me during eating as well, that I am fit for nothing, but it's so shocking that she has become a slave my SIL now that she presses her to eat even after she eats enough, 1st of all my SIL is so shameless that she orders all favourite items to be prepared by my mom and eats so heavily ,but my mom forces her even in top of that, also my mom even goes to length of giving all her ornaments, sarees, even my newest salwars which are very expensive & grand that I would still wear she donates to me SIL without even asking me, it's as though she is looked after like a bed if roses spread on velvet carpet, with no single thorn in her life, that is reason my SIL is staying in my mom's home even though post 1year of maternity leaves.

    3)She always prefers the most expensive dresses,even orders my brother or dad to get most expensive gifts , dresses, cosmetics, apparels for her friends,relatives, family like mom dad ,sister ,brother etc. It seems like as though she has come to our house to make our entire family's financial assts to go drained and bankrupted. Due to this girl only I am planning to withdraw all my fixed deposits that were kept 7-8 yrs back in my mom and dad's name to my name, getting scared that since my dad has started caring her more than me now, once upon a time, I was his favourite child,now she has become his daughter, my dad & mom think I am outsider.

    4)She even commands my brother like anything who has risked relations with me, my dad and mom scolding everyone even if she complaints a single word Abt us. Despite he having gifted her so many dress materials from very large showrooms, branded shops, not just that even he purchased on her behalf lucrative dresses , jewellery from major online Giants like Amazon,Flipkart,Snapdeal etc. She thinks as though she is crowned as MISS UNIVERSE by marrying my brother and all including my brother,mom,dad and me should be her slaves to dance according to her whims and fancies.
    If someone doesn't obey her, she gets upset for most silly things and complaints to brother making him to get furious on my parents and he severely scolds my parents, he never gives a single penny to my mom,dad, but want all the services to be done by my mom & dad. They are tragically become way very speedily old ,weak & very vulnerable to his furious attacks of scoldings even though my dad has not taken a single Paisa from him till now. It nowhere appears, they are married, in fact the entire burden & responsibilities of taking care of brother, SIL is resting and shouldering fully fully on my parents, right from preparing dishes,giving them money, washing their clothes, ironing for them,reserving tickets for them, and more so the car which my mom & dad purchased to roam for any functions called by my relatives, which solely my dad had purchased on his expenses, is taken by my brother for his travel at other city where he works, & tragically my mom dad travel in autos and buses, I get tears down my eyes seeing them & his behaviour.
    If mom advises her or I advise her as elder sister to do something, she creates a big drama before my brother & makes him scold my mom & dad severely that they again become slaves to him & her.

    5)My brother has spent soooooo much out of his salary towards buying her expensive dress materials, IPAD, very costly gold necklace sets, and she isn't satisfied with that, amidst my brother purchasing everything, her mom and my mom also buy her plenty of dresses but still she shops online, whatever she likes, any household items, bedsheets, clothes, cosmetics, apparels, that too which are extremely expensive, she never minds that she is burdening my dad or my brother.My brother even told me 2-3 times to my mom and dad that she has complained "HE IS NOT TAKING GOOD CARE OF HER". 1 instance she directly told B4 me that ur brother has never cared and loved me ever since he got married, she was never satisfied getting him married, even though he himself has sacrificed his most part of salary towards all her grand luxurious expenses.
    To my mom she never helps and never even cares my mom when my mom is not well, she thinks she is Miss universe and all ppl in my family like my brother, my mom and my dad are her servants. She always watches TV, or browses online for shopping , she is dead crazy about shopping heavily online, she always sits with TAB (my bro gifted to her on her bday last year )either ordering and browsing online shopping websites 24x7 in a day, or she plays games in that, or she watches good shows,serials,movies on the IPAD, or she watches modern soap operas on TV which are usually involving very fashionable & arrogant girls. She enjoys ,enjoys ,enjoys continuously. Also she talks to all her friends constantly on phone. In a nutshell she never cares at money, just within 5 to 10 days of her salary she expends everything, although my brother buys her so many gifts, she never buys him anything, & top of that complains that she is totally unhappy & unsatisfied. Everything including washing the kid, preparing tea, breakfast, lunch ,dinner all will be done by my mom and she never helps my mom in a single activity also. I end up helping my mom most of the times in cutting, preparing veggies, sweeping, folding clothes, preparing the Pooja utensils etc. She gets up almost like 11 am in the morning.

    6)Even though her online purchases are oceanic, she even likes to go shopping literally to bazaars and purchasing items, even for her farthest friends and relatives she buys costly gifts out of my brother 's and father's money.

    Despite my parents looking after her like a QUEEN and GODDESS OF THE HOUSE, She has complained to my brother that he is not at all taking care gud of her, post marriage, and she complaints same thing Abt my mom as well that my family is not at all caring her, even if my family like my mom made dad have treated me with least care,love and affection during my childhood days to me, especially my mom acted like great villain, asking and banging utensils, spreading rumors, getting infuriated with me complaining to my dad with false allegations and rumors,creating frivolous unnecessary tantrums etc.

    7)Also I really don't understand that she left her company in June last 2016, till now she is not joining, she has intentionally applied extended leaves, so that she avoids the difficulty of going back to City where her job is and start facing daily pressures of going for work, cooking for my brother, and taking care of kid. In my office even if anyone is on maternity leaves, they will not take more than 6 months. But she has taken 1.3 years as maternity leaves. She never does anything work, but essentially she wants the governance of my house, my mom's and Dad have been taking care to such an extent as though she is more than daughter and goddess who has come to their house, I strongly believe that there hardly 1 in 1000 families treat a DIL so well. Frankly and honestly feel taking oath or swearing myself that she should have accumulated 10 incarnations fortunes to get married in a family to get my mom and dad as her inlaws, for me they may have mistreated but for her, they care to extent that even if she walks on house they check 10 times it's not filled with any crews or thorns that her delicate legs should not get hurted or injured.

    8)I agree that if the girl is really very very good or damn glamourous, she ought to have all such qualities as she is having now, but this girl is nowhere in front of most good looking, very beautiful, and having really stunning figures, like I have see in Bangalore and in my office, where my friends, colleagues, who are girls m, they are too good looking, glamorous that despite being great, attractive, being rich that they end up coming in expensive cars driving by themselves, but still they are down-to-earth and heard from them that they help their mom-in-laws, husband in everything as part of their duty, being so responsible as mature characters in their family life. In fact some girls, get up prepare breakfast,lunch, get ready their kids and send to school, send hubby to office and then come to office driving in their cars. In the evening also they manage many things cordially with their inlaws etc. This girl doesn't met even 0.5% of their efforts neither in good attitude,character,manners, behaviour, confidence,maturity, duty oriened to work as dutiful daughterin-law, responsible housewife etc. All these qualities are literally 0(zero) in her.

    9)In addition to inflicting such behaviour, and arrogant attitude, she frowns, get upset, for frivolous things even if my mom tells her some work ends up complaining to my bro that my mom is ill-treating her
    But this girl doesn't even realise that she is a wedded bride of this house, and along with share of authority over my dad's property come various duties and responsibilities that she has to perform. Even in City where she works with my brother, she has appointed maid, & most even every week she accompanies my brother, during weekend to my mom & dad's house so that the entire burden of wasklhing their clothes, cooking for them, ironing their clothes, driving them from railway station to house to & fro everything they both depend on my parents.

    10)My mom and dad had thought really opposite that if my bro marries he wud have his wife taking all set of responsibilities, and his wife would act as cushion to or house by subordinating my mom in her work, being a responsible wife lending hands in all activities. If she was way too helping and non-complaining nature then being shopaholic atleast we would have taken for stride mad digested. But she doesn't meet any of expected duties fromthe perspective how a wedded girl has to be in a home, instead she creates quarrels between my bro and mom dad creating rifts complaining each other. My brother thought by getting married he wud get ideal wife to care best of him, & understand her duties & be ideal partner for my bro. But she is found to be completely opposite of what is expected of her. She is too too too immature. In fact my brother lately or offlate even told my mom 3 times that "I was looking for a ideal wife who would be mature and responsible , very living,caring and lead him in his life like a very devoted ideal wife, but instead he has got such a wife, to whom even if he does mountains of things, she is still unhappy, complaining,and dominating my mom and dad as well. Whatever she needs she just without any reservation even into thinking that my dad is almost 40 years elder to her, she orders and gets served from. Him. Similarly she slaves my mom also. She never thinks B4 talking also like if she says something what ppl mite think. On the other hand if someone tells her some advice also, or just casually talks, she complaints to my brother, blah blah blah, by making "mountain out of a molehill". But still my mom,dad treat her as though she is gift form God of 10 inarnations fortunes. I really don't get what insecurities they have got.

    11)So with my brother's marriage, my bro,next my mom and dad's life has become a strict military life lifestyle obeying her orders, commands, thinking 100 times even if a small advice needs to be given to her, bcoz my mom, dad including me think that she is very sensitive and can spread rumours Abt out family to her own parents & her relatives etc. In fear of family reputation getting spoilt my mom & dad is tolerating her. Also my bro is tolerating her actually he himself is bit immature, but looking at her extravagant, very demanding, non-compatible nature with anyone she comes across in my family, he is caring,loving her mire than his duty so that our family reputation should not be scapegoated in social circles. Even if he is immature to make her happy he does anything what she orders so that our family reputation is protected. Besides she always will be in constantly playing games on her mobile, even if mom is busy in kitchen, she wud be talking to everyone like mom & dad in her family & so my parents will be scared that even if a single word is wrongly uttered to her, she mite create a "mountain out of a molehill"
    In fact my brother has become her perfect slave, and my mom,dad her pawns and puppets. She has also told her dad to somehow make me drive away from this house by imposing & manipulating my parents to forcibly marry to someone so that she can become 1 & only QUEEN of this home, & I will not come to this home for my share of love & affection, nor for any food what my mom prepares, she really has very very narrow mind that her parents had looked to get her married in a family of single son, so she thinks I am an obstacle for her life at my mom's home, I really don't get if she is hell-bent dependent on my dad & mom then how will she survive, when she goes back to my Bros house where he works, probably that is reason that post going there life is hell, as she is dead allergic to doing household work, so procastinating it indefinitely.

    So please advice in very detailed and elaborate manner as to how resolve this situation can dissolve, & what are steps or measures that we as a family can take up to weed away constantly lurking fear that invades her for really no fault of my mom,dad or my brother.

    Thanks
    Gitika
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You are saying if your SIL was more glamorous or very beautiful, had a stunning figure, her behavior and expectations would be excusable?
    What do the husbands of these matured, confident, duty-oriented DILs do around the house? The girls get up, prepare breakfast, lunch, get their kids ready and send to school, send hubby to office............ The mind boggles. Kids and husband both need to be "sent"? But the women have no one to "send" them to office and even no one to "drive" them? What do the husbands do?
     
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  3. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Why does this post from OP and of the various posts from @Suma89 appear to be from the same person? i may be wrong here but clearly find no merits to be discussed!
     
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  4. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    What does good looks have anything to do with being excused for bad behavior. I'm not sure why you are fixated on her looks, but it is coming off as if you are jealous of her. You think she is unattractive (and you are attractive), you don't have the same perks and benefits in your life. Let that go, don't worry about he looks. It means nothing and it has no effect on her personality.

    So, now only looking at her actions, why would she invite everyone she know over? Are they all sharing a house?

    You have no control over this. Your brother (aka. her husband) is ok with her behavior and her decision to stay at the house and eat your mother's cooking. When I read this point, you seem to have more issue with your parents, than with your SIL. Your SIL is getting the princess treatment you wished you got growing up with your parents, but suddenly, you find this usurper enjoying everything you wished to have.

    If you feel like there is financial danger, you should remove all your assets from the shared accounts and manage them privately. You can only warn your parents, but in the end, they are the ones with control over their money, so unless they think the spending is too much, nothing will happen.

    In this point, it's not your SIL that you're angry about, but your brother for letting her get away with the mistreatment of your parents. Unless you have a good enough relationship with your brother to remind him that your parents are getting old and need rest and some financial help, you can't do anything about this situation. He is ok with this behavior.

    Again, your brother is ok with this. And it appears that even your mother is ok with this. Or she wouldn't be doing all of this work with no mention to your SIL.

    ... same thoughts as before. You're more frustrated with your relationship with your parents.

    You have no control over her job and whether she rejoins her previous job. There is no point in talking/complaining about. After my son was born, I decided not to return to work for at least a year. I got a job after 18 months of "maternity" leave. In my case, I needed to find a job, but it made me sad that I don't get to spend as much time with my son. I would be pissed off, if someone said that I should have gone back to work within 6 months. That's her and her husband's decision together.

    Why are you talking about her looks? It has nothing to do with anything. Her looks would not excuse her behavior, even if she was very good looking.

    I am amazed at your statement. You seem to think that all married women need to be able to do housework. If she choses to hire a maid, then it's her and her husband's decision. There is really no room for you to judge that she's not doing her share of the work. I will be honest, I do EVERYTHING in my house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I wish I can hire help, but it's not an option for my life. When I visit my In-laws house, I am not able to help out at all. Everything is in a different way (I'm a neatfreak and have my kitchen ordered in a way), and the messy, wet quality of my Inlaws kitchen is plainly, horrifying for me to work in. I have tried, but I can't do much more than heating water or milk for myself and child.

    So, your brother is having trouble in his marriage and regrets his decision to get married to her. You shouldn't get involved and stroke any fires. if it really bothers him, he'll figure it out.

    I agree, she should go back to her house and rule there. There is no point for her to stay with your parents if this continues. You can ask your parents if they are willing to send her back, because unless they are firm about making her go back, it's going to be like this. Most likely, they are accepting this, so they can spend time with their grandchild.

    Overall, I see a lot of fault in your SIL, but I see that you are also having issues with your own family. Don't be so obsessed with your SIL looks and what you believe she should deserve, you have no control over that. What you do have control over, is talking to your family about the situation (NICELY), and seeing where they are. Whatever you are hoping to happen, would not happen unless they are onboard. And your money, transfer it to a separate account. If you are worried about your financial future, it is best to be safe.
     
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  5. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    I haven't started reading @gitika's essay yet but it'll be hilarious if she turns out to be the one and only @Suma89. I think she may have created a new ID because she felt she was not getting enough sympathy for that tale of woe involving her landlord. Anyway, praise be to your eagle eye @joylokhi.

    EDIT: I could not go through that massive wall of text in its entirety but the tone, tenor and length are very similar to @Suma89's articles. Bangalore is also mentioned. Quite likely it is her. Basically, the OP is very unhappy and frustrated like we all have been at various points in our life. She feels mistreated by her parents, her brother and everybody else around her. On top of that she feels that her sister-in-law, who is nothing special is being treated like a princess though she has done nothing to deserve this treatment. It is also to be noted that the OP is quite traditional and orthodox but she does make a few affectations at modernity. That is part of the problem I think, a fundamentally traditional and orthodox girl has been thrown into the vortex of modernity and does not quite know how to survive.

    My advice to the OP would be as follows (and it's very modern advice so be careful): Try and detach yourself from your family. You can't change them. If it's their decision to treat their bahu as a Goddess and you as nothing special, then it is their decision. There is nothing you can do about it. You have very little power in this household. Focus on yourself and on creating a nice financial and emotional cocoon around yourself. Try and rescue any money you have in your parent's name and transfer it to your account. You are a software professional and financially independent, you must be earning well. So, there is no problem in building a nice nest-egg for yourself. As I suggested in your previous thread, try and find a nice place to rent and do it yourself. Move away from the clutches of your current, unreliable landlord and stop relying on your father to speak to your landlord on your behalf. I think part of the problem is that you naturally look to men to provide you comfort and protection in times of need. Unfortunately, in our modern world, men are not like that. We are quite rapacious. You have to protect yourself. And you are not doing a good job of that. If you want a man to protect you, you need to get married.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2017
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  6. gitika

    gitika Senior IL'ite

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    I meant that atleast there is some reason for such a behaviour, because it's general human tendency that is if someone has some special qualities, then they think they can overpower others, and in contrast ppl with low looks usually would be submissive and subordinative.

    I did not mean that it's hard and fast that all good looking girls will be submissive or in contrary would be arrogant, but they enjoy a privilege to bank upon the looks and rule the people as they think their food looks can influence them to bring lot of help and favours in any household premise, or in jobs or anywhere across the world..
     
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  7. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    This post is a monument to human suffering and I adore it.
     
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  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I had the exact feeling after reading this post, as I had gone through suma89's multiple posts of the same landlords issue and replied to her in detail.
     
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  9. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    @gitika
    I didn't read your post completely still What I got from your post is your mom, dad and brother are fine with your sil's attitude. Then you don't need to worry about her and lead your life how you want.....I appreciate your patience to write such a lengthy post....
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, You are too much worried about others life. If they have a problem let them solve them selves. If they ask your help, then you can help or not, it is up to you. If not, all these are unnecessary interventions / thoughts from your side. (Here your Bro/your parents are happy with SIL. You are worried about SIL so much!!!)

    You have some serious issue with your happiness/or you are not happy or confident/ or too much depend on others for your happiness. You are an independent woman. Be emotionally independent. Focus on your life and make it better than worrying about others. Move ahead with your life. Dont waste your precious time for these type of things, instead think about how you can make your life successful or happy and peaceful. Good luck
     

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