Sil Duty? I Find It Very Irritating For A Married Working Sil

Goahead · Apr 3, 2018

13 years into marriage ... mammas boy... we have taken nothing from in laws and have always given ... mil keep educating my husband about his duties towards sil who lives in us and earns ok ... we also live in us and fail to understand why we are supposed to shower sil with couple of hundreds to thousand dollars while she gets everything from in laws from India - monetary help , jewellery , expensive gifts etc

My husband is also too much into inlaws ... sil mil never tells him stuff but he always calls them and pretend that they are very strong tied family... sil never gives money or gifts to our kids ever .. not even bdays ... just get gifts all the time from us

I’m tired of my husband for not understanding and treating my in laws as some GOD.. he thinks his sister is very nice to all... she is very sugarcoated talks nicely maintains relationships but never spend money on anybody.. my husband idea of being nice to people is by spending money giving cash or showering them with all the amenities in the world

He is not bothered that her sister never calls me , or never cares about our kids but he calls her and talks to her behind my back all the time.. he calls her when coming back from office or when we are out of the house he will video call my sil
He always tells me that she called ... to make her look good ... the fact is she will never call if we dnt call... but doing this behind my back , he can tell me that she called .. I’m sick and tired and even frustrated if my husband for this behavior .. 2 things
1. It’s a lie that she always calls
2. By doing this behind my back , he sends the signal to my sil and mil that he is ok no matter how they treat me and kids ... and they both have pretty much got that message and they try to make a fool out of him and get money from him

How do I deal with my husband ??i dnt feel united with him at all because of this ...

Sangeeta85 · Apr 3, 2018

Invest the money so that he can't think of spending on them unnecessary.
It's good to gift sis lucky her but not to the point where u guys are in trouble..
If he talks to his parents,u talk to yours.
ask him to gift your parents as well ..
Leave the place if he calls his sis ..don't talk much abt them or check his phone and say hey it's u who called her..give the silent treatment to him.when he calls his parents u call your parents ..let him know too that he has to give time for his family too..how it feels if the house is just on phone ...
is the sil older to u?

Sandycandy · Apr 3, 2018

I wouldn’t worry about how many times husband calls SIL or SIL calling husband . But touch my money and all hell will break loose .
Instead of telling husband don’t spend on SIL tell him so and so friends of yours are investing for the Kids. Tell him how bad the times are and how you worry about chunnu and munni’s education and future . Keep harping till he is forced to do something.
Also next trip to India stopover in Dubai on the way back, tell him you are starting chunnu and munni marriage fund and buying jewelry for that. Buy a good amount of jewlellery and put it in the locker. Repeat .
And next time some gift for SIL comes up, say , “ didn’t we just utilize the money for chunnu and munni, there’s always a next time .

SunPa · Apr 3, 2018

Hmmm
Couple of thousand dollars showered on SIL ? How often, say in a year?
If the amount spent om Ils annually is 2-4% of annual income , then I say let it go. Your peace of mind is worth more.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer. If you cut out your SIL from your life, how will you show your husband , the loving brother, her true colours? My suggestion will be get involved, you talk nicely to her and often (fake it) and slowly her bias and selfishness will come out. Till then patience. No point striking the iron when it is cold. But it is going to be tough, given the amount of anger and hatred you have, acting will not be easy but that is the only way for you to get your husband to see "light"

Look at he positives, he doesn't force you to talk, and bothers hiding it. Quite frankly if DH told me not to talk to my bro or sis ; not only will I talk , I will not even bother concealing it from him. I am married doesnt mean I have to cut off my FOO.

If your SIL is in India, then it is a very standard thing, the one in overseas calls. Both sides - my ILs/ BIL/ SIL, and my parents and extended family - we call them. Even if they call on rare occasions, we tell them to cut the call and call back. Unless it is a Whatsapp call.

nakshatra1 · Apr 3, 2018

SunPa said: ↑

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer. If you cut out your SIL from your life, how will you show your husband , the loving brother, her true colours? My suggestion will be get involved, you talk nicely to her and often (fake it) and slowly her bias and selfishness will come out. Till then patience. No point striking the iron when it is cold. But it is going to be tough, given the amount of anger and hatred you have, acting will not be easy but that is the only way for you to get your husband to see "light"
Click to expand...

@SunPa, I like your response very much except the above part.
I think one should not waste time playing games with inlaws. First of it is huge waste of your energy and brings negativity into life. And secondly , trust me, no matter what you prove to your husband, he is not going to realise anything- that is the psychology. Indian men never see the light when it comes to FOO, now matter how much they get exploited. So, better to avoid playing games for own peace of mind than waste our energy and peace of mind on such people.

But yeah she should convince DH to make investment to secure the future.

Goahead · Apr 3, 2018

I have tried all of the above suggestions:
Tried to be closer to sil mil but they are smarter than I’m ... they make me look bad for no reason as if they care a lot for us... sil would never spend any money but she can talk on phone for hrs playing the lovey doves game .. she will talk for hrs and not even mention all the important things related to in laws finances, Etc .. my in laws are too too sweet n can confuse anybody for being overly nice .. their true nature is known only after knowing them for few years ...

My sil is in US .. so I dnt see the point here sending her so much money ... on top of it she gets all the money from inked from India .. I dnt question that.. all the jewellery my mil gives it to her .. but when we dnt get any money for us , kids or jewellery so why expect us to pay the duties ??? And what duty really ??? She is the one who is getting money properties jewellery from in laws not us even though she is a girl , so what is this crap about duty to sil...

Nowadays my husband realized that for me it’s the principle thing ...so he acts smart and tells me that he wants to do it for his sister .. not as a duty but he wants to give her gifts money etc ..
If he was nice to my family , I would have been ok but he acts strange with my family my sister my brother ... he will talk bare minimum.. never calls them by himself but never fails to calls or message his own sister ..he even tries to make relationship by calling or messaging sil husband ... but never ever he tries to make relationship with my sisters husband who is very jovilial .. my sister husband in their initial years of marriage tried to make relationship with my husband and he acted so strange and khadoos that my sister husband now talks as required basis ... he is super nice and will call me by myself and calls my brother everyday .. they are like friends ... but my husband never bothered to make any relationship even with my brother who is actually local ... I have to call my brother and ask him to come see us every other weekend .. my husband does not like his visits every weekend ... my husband is synchronized in his behavior by caring and worrying about only his mother father sister and now sister kid and her husband .. for him everyone else is an outsider ..

So I’m really more pissed at my husband .. at least he can make some relationship with my side of the family ..

One more things , he compares everything of my sil to my sister ... for him my sister makes more money .... really my sister has been in US for so long if she makes more money n gives our kids so much , instead of saying that she has the heart of giving or sending gifts to our kids , he says she makes more money ... I’m just pissed at my husbands nature ... his arguments are blind , beyond my mind and I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall ..

My sister lives so close , I have no commitment like Lena dena with her when I see her but he never lets me make plans with her together.. she keep asking to go on vacations together but he will always refuse and says that he wants to go alone just us as family ...

But with his sister , he will take the entire week off from work and plan for visits them ... with my sister may be a day off along with the weekend and we will visit them ... never plan any vacation etc with them ...