side effects of my love marriage . Suggestions please.

snehalJoshi · Aug 10, 2012

Hi ILs,

I am facing some problems with my married life. Please read and let me know your suggestions or opinions.

My story :
I am a very well educated, well earning, brahmin family married girl in my late 20's.
When I was 21, a guy (now my DH) proposed me. He is an indian-christian guy. He is very well educated and very well earning too. I did not say him yes immediately and he had a very hard time convincing me. I agreed (though not fully - i was always in a dilemma). I liked his qualities such as one-lady-guy, very-hardworking, committed, talented, well-mannered (never touched me before marriage or no dirty language or thoughts expressed before marriage) etc. He did not seem a person who gives too much importance to religion and neither was I. I am a religious person at heart and respects all religions. I belong to a very well educated, higher-middle-class family. It was very very infact extremely difficult for me to convince my family but finally just out of love they agreed. He convinced his family (he did not had to put too many efforts). He dominates his family to a certain extent.
When we (my family) started telling 1 side of our relatives (maternal) that the marriage is fixed then they were shocked and decided to boycott us. Nobody attended the marriage. They spoke to me before marriage and told me lots and lots of things about the problems a girl will face if she gets married to a different religion guy. They also told me about how society will treat my family behind my back. I started getting doubts because of the consequences I was seeing, their words were very touching (i knew about these inter-religious problems earlier but love is blind) and it was too late for me to stop the marriage as the cards were already distributed and marriage was harldy after 2 days. So I was left with no choice.
I prayed god and told him I do not want to get married to this guy but it was too late. I expressed my feelings to my Dad and he had to get admitted in hospital for a night.
My paternal side family is not very very close to us and we did not give them much details about my DH's family.
After my marriage even my dad had to go thorugh a heart surgery.
Current situation :
We got married and now all the problems have started. Everything is different and it is very difficult to adjust. I never knew earlier that I am very religious at heart and though I respect other religions and I can not follow it. I hate it when my DH tries to follow his religion. My DH never even talks anything about my religion. So there are no festivals celebrated in my house. I am a pooja, fast, etc following person and I do not see my DH's help or interest in knowing or doing or helping in anything when it comes to my religious activity. I can not impose my religion on him but I have started realising the fact that he is not a husband I wanted. This is not the kind of family a girl wants. It is easier to tell keep religion a private thing and spend your life but it is difficult to follow. All hindu festivals, fasts, pooja are a way of family bonding. Life has become very very difficult. I even hate the english name and surname he has (before marriage I never had a big problem). I dont know what made me changed? what happened that the way I used to think changed so much.
Me and my husband fight a lot. A lot meaning a lot.
I am very worried about our future too. We dont have kids as of now. Though we had agreed before marriage that children will be hindus (after too many fights and negotiations), now I feel worried. I do not want my children to have too much of other religion influence. They will be brought up in USA and on top of that they will see hardly any hinduism at home. They wont be real hindus.
I understand fighting for religion is bad. All religions are equal. etc etc.
These lines are good in books or to say but when we experience it is very very difficult. U need to be a mahatma to do that. I am an ordinary person.

What should I do ? Leave my husband (I can say this so easily because I have been sufferring a lot)? is divorce a solution ? is there any other way ?

eandian · Aug 10, 2012

Does he also have problems with being married to girl from different religion?

Has he tried to force his religion on you or tried to stop you from following yours that you resent him and his religion?

Are you somehow feeling responsible for your dad's health...sort of blaming your marriage for his health?

Most importantly does he know that you feel like this?

You must be having serious feelings about this to consider separation.

Foundlove · Aug 10, 2012

Loving somebody and living with them after marriage are 2 different things that most people don't understand. I understand what you are going through. You feel like you are not allowed to be yourself . However dear it's you who has changed. Your DH is what he was before. I am sure he knows nothing of Hindu religion and does not want to follow it (why should he?). That is what is bothering you. You want to CHANGE him.

My suggestion:
If you really love him, you follow your religion and let him follow his. Every Sunday if he goes to church, you go to temple. Let kids know about both religions . It's very difficult to do but if you love him do it. If not then you can think of alternatives.

Good luck.

GodIsOne · Aug 10, 2012

If he is not forcing his religion on you then I think you should also be not worried about him not involving in your pooja and fast.

The biggest issue here is that you started this relationship itself on a negative note. You thought more about what could go wrong.

Separation can be equally heart breaking. Think about it. Keep religion separate. As long as you are not forced to follow his faith, don't be worried about him not being involved in your religion

anahita5 · Aug 10, 2012

Dear OP,
Are you sure religion is your only concern or not a outcome of something else. Its about compromise.. why don't you make your own customs. something like diwalimas... best of both worlds. may be if you show enthu for chirstmas your DH might show enthu for diwali.

ChristianKing · Aug 10, 2012

Still people bother about, whatever, false religions? I guess we are at corporate window Box.

LifeIsAMystery · Aug 10, 2012

Have you heard about Chanakya? He was a very shrewd person. He had a thing called saam daam dand bhed. People call it Chanakya neeti.
1. Saam ( Say) - You tell someone to listen to you and agree with you
2. Daam( Pay) - You pay someone to listen and agree with you
3. Daand ( Torture) - You torture someone to listen and agree with you
4. Bhed ( You create religion rift) - You create religion and caste rifts ( kind of divide and rule) based on religion, caste, language etc

The Britishers exploited this when they were ruling India and other countries. Political parties like BJP, Shivsena etc used this to gain power.

What I am trying to say is Even if the first 3 tricks are unsuccessful, the 4th one which deals with religion is alays successful. Yours is not an intercaste marriage, its inter religion which is more difficult.

You say the guy was behind you trying to convince you. You say you are educated and he is educated. Why did n't you think about all this before getting married? e.g. What happens when kids are born, what religion they will follow? What festivals should we celebrate at home? Should I go home to diwali or some other festivals for few days ? and things like that

In the beginning you said " He did not seem a person who gives too much importance to religion and neither was I" and then later on you said "I hate it when my DH tries to follow his religion. My DH never even talks anything about my religion. So there are no festivals celebrated in my house. I am a pooja, fast, etc following person and I do not see my DH's help or interest in knowing or doing or helping in anything when it comes to my religious activity. I can not impose my religion on him but I have started realising the fact that he is not a husband I wanted" I am confused here !!

Inter-religion marriages are very delicate. I mean your whole life changes, you need to adjust to a whole different religious belief. I have a friend who is christian and he has married a girl from Bhopal( hindu). They both studied MS in usa and both are working now in the bay area. My family invited them for lunch and to be honest I was very skeptical as in how both of them will manage. But after meeting the girl, I was really surprised. She has adjusted so well with him. They have been married for 3 yrs. In december they visited India. She stayed at his family home for few days. He went to Bhopal to stay with the inlaws. The girl is so interested in her husband's side of family. She is a pure veg but she does not mind when he eats non veg. She even has agreed to cook nonveg like fish, chicken ofcourse she does not eat. I was really really amazed. She goes to church with him every sunday. I am not sure about him. if he accompanies to temples. But when we were talking he has also adjusted to her very well. Infact she knows about her husband's family so well ( he has 2 brothers). She knows his brothers, their wives, the kids, the cousins, who is working where, who said what to whom, whose kids birthday is when etc etc. She is full of that.

You know I was of the firm belief that most of the inter-religion marriages never work. I still have that belief. There are few exceptions like this friend's marriage. They are planning to move to bangalore after few yrs and live there instead of Mumbai or Bhopal. I am pretty sure they have decided about kids as well. as in what religion they will follow, what they will eat etc etc.

I personally feel you have not mentioned everything in your thread. Some things you have "conveniently " forgotten or not mentioned. Again the following statement is confusing for me "I am very worried about our future too. We dont have kids as of now. Though we had agreed before marriage that children will be hindus (after too many fights and negotiations), now I feel worried. I do not want my children to have too much of other religion influence. They will be brought up in USA and on top of that they will see hardly any hinduism at home. They wont be real hindus" If you have never given importance to religion as you said in the beginning, why now?

But honestly judging by the situation I am sure the husband ( and his family) will try to convince you that kids should follow their religion. Now he has said yes to hinduism but I doubt it. See as I said religion is a very sensitive subject. There have been riots because of that in India and elsewhere

I don't want to say this but if you are unhappy - I feel divorce is the best option for you. I would really like you to open up and tell IL your full story so that members here can give you a good advice. We can just give you advice. The decision is yours to take.

sokanasanah · Aug 10, 2012

ChristianKing said: ↑

Still people bother about, whatever, false religions? I guess we are at corporate window Box.
Click to expand...

:confused2::confused2:
Hmm come again? Clarify?!

JGVR · Aug 10, 2012

If your H is not interfering in your religion then why don't you have a separate pooja room for yourself,do fasts, go to relatives house on festivals,do a sweet during festivals and sharing with everyone even if there is no celebration and why don't you go to temple alone?

If religion is part of you then the same applies to your H as well.He canot all of a sudden come to temple and start celebrating diwali and holi as they do not hold any meaning to him.So better stop focusing on him and start to focus on you and your beliefs.

gouricocktail · Aug 10, 2012

Snehal, I understand what you are going through. You need a brainwash which will help you become the old girl who did not care about religion so much.