Sibling Keep Poking And Hurting

@ vadavalli,
You have written very clearly here that your sis and mom are narcistic. Then, why are you expecting empathy.
Like I said before you need to outline your strategies,
* accept they will be like this forever and you can't change them. So, you will never have a normal relationship with them.

* lower your expectation that they will understand you or empathize with. It will never happen.

* stop explaining. No need to explain again. They will use it against you.

* set boundaries. If you said no to sharing expense, stick with it. Its a learning lesson. They are not going to take money forcefully from you. Stay like a rock. Dont change your decision for them. Learn' grey rocking ' ( google or youtube). You can gift them when you feel like doing it and you have enough resources.

* Dont take their reactions to heart. Just console yourself that this is the way they are and its not going to change. This is the main problem now. Your are absorbing everything from them and suffering. Actually you need to leave it through the other ear.

* try your best not to talk negative. They dont like criticism or anything against them. So talk less, stay with your decision. If they call you the cruelest person, just agree, ok. 'You can think what you like'. Dont take it your heart.

*define boundaries.You need to convey what you need to( ofcourse in a neutral tone), but dont care about their tantrumns. You have to ask yourself how much is good enough. Looks like you already crossed your tolerance level. Dont get emotional infront of them.

* avoid interaction with them as much as you can. Learn about how to handle narcissistic persons in your life ( Dr, Ramani' s youtube channel or may be there are some in your native language ). Empower yourself. Knowledge is power in this case.

* you are an emotional abuse victim. May be you disagree . But, your suicidal thought implies that.

* you need to heal, consult a therapist on how to heal and accept the situation or self-help

* learn how to talk smart, dont share your personal things ( finance, trips, anything ) or share photos of your happy life. Also , learn how to use ' yeah, hmmm, ok, you are correct, ... Etc, and divert topics. You may need a practical approach than emotional one.

* may be you are believing that if you do something differently, they will accept you and understand you. Sorry its a waste if energy and will lead to more heart - breaking situations.

The above steps are not easy- accepting, lowering expectations and not taking everything to heart takes practice. But, you need to practice it for your mental health.

So, take control of your life and be smart. Your well being, health, life and your own family are important than these dramas. Stay firm, less words, more actions, and maintain distance. You are suffering this much because you are sincere, honest and empathetic. Pl dont expect it from them.If not, you will keep on suffering dear frnd. You are important than anything else.

' Arise awake and stop not until the goal is reached."- Swami Vivekananda. Its applicable, here too.

At the same time, do your duties as a sister and daughter within your capabilities (only when its needed or when you can, depending on the stuation) with an emotionally detached mindset.

 

I understand that it's very very hard, @Vedhavalli. Not going to lie, it will be hard. The issue here is that you have to create and enforce the boundary - by saying NO. I think even though you say No, unconsciously you are waiting for their permission - and their sympathy. You are in their thrall. Mother and elder sister - these are big figures in our life from childhood so unconsciously we await their validation for our decision, their signal - finally they will realize, they will say it's okay Vedha, yes, yes, I understand you cannot pay.

This is where your knowledge comes in useful. You already know they are narcissists. So you know that validation is NOT going to happen. You will not receive the understanding you crave. And you have to make your peace with that. They will not respond like normal people. They will complain, shout, blame and threaten, create a ruckus, go to any extent. Your task is that you alone have to hold on to the No. DO Not pay the money once you say No - that ACTION alone is what will get through.

It will be tough, yes. This is part of breaking free and setting healthy limits. Ask yourself who is the adult here? Who makes the decision about what you spend - you and h or sis and Mom? Be clear that you are the adult, independent and able to make decisions. And hold on to the NO. Because that is YOUR decision. Under no circumstances can you afford to allow them to decide for you! You are the adult. You will decide what and how much to spend. Hold on to that. The minute you weaken and give in, allow them to decide instead of you, you lose all the hard work that went before.
1. Say No.
2. Explain why once and that's it. Leave it. Don't pay.
3. Maintain relationship ie., call regularly and wish for birthday etc. and BE NORMAL, but minute topic comes up cut it off matter-of-factly - I told you no?, It's already been decided, I can't pay. And then change the topic or cut the call.
4. Don't explain yourself again and again, don't listen silently while they rant at you. If that's all they want to discuss, then cut the call.
If sis tries to carry mom's water and calls you confidentially - you know mom is feeling really bad, blah blah..., cut her off and cut the topic, - No I already discussed this with her. Do you have anything else you wanted to tell me? No? Ok, bye.
That's how they will understand that you are no longer seeking their validation.
Best wishes dear!

 

Vedhavalli, you have made a start but you have a ways to go. Again you are engaging in the cycle of explaining and rationalizing and thinking that this will change your mother and sister’s mind about your problems. Instead see what happened. You say something is black, she will say no it’s white just for the sake of argument.
Why get dragged into this silliness and spoil your health and your mood? Either immediately stop the call, or look up and try to practice the grey rock method.
I’m glad you recovered from Covid. At least you won’t have to worry about the new variant for now.

 

Hugs to you @Vedhavalli ! I have followed this thread ( thoguh not fully .. but silently)
Please trust that i do understand your pain like many others here
Its also because you are not the only one to have felt like this, many of us have at various points in life experienced similar life truths
The only thing here is that there is never ending pain .. period! the only way to cope up is by following the steps @DDream lists for you
You have to just give up o n the expectation. This is a life lesson most ppl learn the hard way as we are all so sensitive when it comes to our most personal relationships and if they turn out this way!

But then coping up is only by letting go, and this wont come on its own, it'll be a conscious call and it will be a fight you put up to yourself to overcome those feelings because it won't come naturally!
You gotta give your heart itself a cold treatment to bury such feelings. As they same time will be the healer , have faith, but not expectation to have a normal relationship .
As you might have noticed here too, others having gone through similar experiences still hold the raw feelings when such feelings open again but then you are bound to keep them locked or control its spread and pain when you learn to control the burden of expectation.
You gotta fully grasp the concept of no expectation and work along! i know its not that you don't understand... it was just a matter of reiterating to keep you on the path!

Take care and speedy healing and recovery to you all

 

This video provide some tips. May be useful.