Should Wife Give/share Her Salary With Husband

I am going to write my opinion here. No offence meant to anyone. At the end of the day, every person is different, every marriage is different. So, I refrain from saying which is right and which is wrong.

As soon as the thought of your money and my money arises between a married couple, I feel its time to have a discussion on what led to that thought or atleast retrospect what has happened between the couple which made one of them feel that there is a need to seperate the bank accounts and have seperate savings. Something must have gone wrong, which led one of them to feel insecure and feel the need for and have a seperate savings. I do not like the working wife working at home as well while the husband comes home and not contribute equally to household chores. This includes child care as well. Neither do I like a stay at home wife being forced to do all the work at home just because she is not earning and denied access to money for her personal expenses. I believe in maintaining joint accounts.

It is important for a couple to be transparent and fair to each other when it comes to gifting family and extended family members, caring for old parents and investments etc. I feel, the initial few months/years of marriage sets the tone for the rest of the life or rest of the time the couple stays in a marriage.

 

Dear @swiss , the thought about individual savings can come from a feeling that you are not treated equally/fairly or you don't have freedom like your husband to spend or send money/gift your parents/family, while husband send money to his family only or when husband try to control your finances or he/she is on a spending spree or you are contributing more as household services(unpaid) to the family in addition to salary or personal choice or from financial insecurity of many types or other reasons (you will find many posts in IL forum itself on controlling dhs).

If both husband and wife are on the same page, they both will have enough financial freedom, they can have same accounts where both of their salaries come and expenses are made (even if one is not working). This is an ideal system with transparency for family where there is no 'you' or ''me only 'us'. I know many families like that .They started this settings after their marriage (if it is arranged marriage it may take time to reach a common ground & also depend on the couple). But it wont work for many due to various reasons cited above.

In lucky situations, husband allow wife to save most of her salary while he spend on all household expenses-mutual understanding and transparency is needed here. It was the case with my parents and it worked for them.

I know many other sahm- they spend and enjoy their life using husband salary (both are happy, works only if husband earns enough) or wife's who have to ask husband every time if they need anything (naturally tension).

Unfortunately, most Indian men are still in 18th century/before even though women reached 21st century in their thoughts. Men still want upper hand in everything and they here to enjoy without contributing equally to household jobs. Many dont even acknowledge wife's contributions or sacrifices.

I like individual financial freedom for myself (I started working even before my arranged marriage, so continued with same accounts even though my dh suggest common checking accounts )or anyone including my dh, but was contributing to the family like you said but dh keep on questioning me even though I am the one who earn more, contribute more, do all house hold work (his contribution is less in this area, even though he helps) etc...There was no hidden secrets or expenses there.. still..

That is when I thought about a set up of common(joint) checking and savings account. Still I contribute more (see part of my reply here on how I setup common and personal accounts, I dont want to type it again Need Your Expert Opinion). It works well for me -so we know what is the total expense of the family and all the common expenses are at least transparent. Now my dh cannot question me why you are not contributing because is very clear to him I am contributing more than I could due to this transparent setup (>60-70% of salary). At the same time both of us have our own individual saving and checking accounts. I even create a monthly expense report. This set up work well for us. Still there is no hiding, we know what our salaries are and how much savings we have, approximate number atleast if not exact. But in many cases, hidden savings is necessary to survive-it depends on the situation

Every situation or family is different, what works for one many not work for others. It all depends on the equation between husband and wife. If one is not happy with current set up you can think about changing it.

 

Has anyone heard of the term Emotional Labor? It refers to the emotional work that women do for the house that most men do not, even for the same type of job. Such as, when women are planning on leaving the house. There are tasks that need to be done, BEFORE leaving the door (lights, doors locked, food covered and put back in the fridge, stove off, water spill wiped up, snack packed for kid, keeping kids happy so that they are easier to manage, etc.), and they will also be preparing the list of tasks that must be completed while they are outside of the house (grocery list, Costco list, walmart list, keeping people fed during trips, etc). As women, we tend to overwork ourselves by taking the burden of emotional labor. Men are very good at NOT taking responsibility for this, which is why it always feels like the work is disproportionate - even when completing the same tasks. For example, when I go to the grocery store, I go with a list, but I am also cognizant of what else I might need (like a gift cake for a visit to a friends house) that might not follow the basic shopping list. When I send my husband to the grocery store, I write up the grocery list, and he will buy what is on the list (or less than what is on the list, because he forgot). Sometime, we just give up, and it's easier to do the work ourselves, because we don't know how to delegate.

Anyway, I digress from the original topic, but about money in the household. Money earned by husband and wife, should be the family money. It is ideal to work this way, but somehow, it is not the reality of our relationships. Husbands withhold money, if they think their wives spend frivolously. Wives withhold their money, if they aren't able to buy what they need when they need it. In the past, when many women were not working, it was recommended between women, to collect some pocket money separate from their husband's money, to give them some freedom and security if they had the need. My grandmother, who was not educated, opened a little savings account, to keep some money separate hidden away from her husband. It was not for bad reasons, but she wanted some security, that she would have some extra money if her husband's business did not produce enough money to feed the family for a season or so.

Money affords women some control, where they had none. Nowadays, women earn a lot of money. They don't have to scavenger up some pocket change to save for a rainy day. It is good financial advice for a family to be able to run on 1 income, and the 2nd income is for savings. I personally don't think a wife needs to give her husband her money, but I think that part of it is supposed to be in the family account. We cannot monetize on every contribution a woman does for the family, so there is nothing wrong with giving yourself a personal paycheck, to spend on things that you want to spend on - gifts, clothes, jewelry, etc.

 

I love everyone’s views above. I contribute nothing to the household or don’t even pay for DD’s extended care in school. But, only reason being I make way less compared to my Dh. I only buy nice gifts for Dh from my money

But , I am always talking about women’s equality. Fortunately, my Dh hasn’t yet thought of the equal expense contribution argument

 

Being a family, it might be better to be transparent. Both should know the details of each others accounts/ transactions.

But it is best to keep both accounts separate. It is OK to 'share' the family expences . But each one should have 'full control' and ownership on their own accounts.

 

Ideal situation is for both to have a joint account, consider it as "our money" and trust each other to spend responsibly form that account mainly for the family and kids.
But in reality, we live in patriarchal society, and many expenses are skewed due to tradition.
Like a guy's parents may be financially dependent on him, while same is usually not acceptable or girl's parents, even if she is working. Also, a brother has to spend for sister - marriage, dowry, 1st pregnancy, child birth, baby shower, child birth function, SIL kid saree function, gifting sisters on Diwali ,Bhai Dooj ,so on and so forth.These are supposed to be taken care of by the parents, but falls on the brother if his parents are not well off, or they like to depend on sons for everything.All these traditions are skewed. But why would a wife happily want her salary to be spent on her SIL, MIL for functions and gifts. Usually ,
When it comes to these compulsory traditions, the wife cannot object to the joint money being spent. Also, her parents may anyway have to fork out money for similar traditions for her, even if she is working. That's why it's better to keep her salary separate, while paying for their common stuff, which does not include her husband's FOO. That way , she can securely save for her and children's future, even if husband is financially irresponsible. She can even spend on her parents without giving explanation to anyone.