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Should We Go Or Not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Jul 16, 2020.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Hi friends,

    My BIL & SIL have been blessed with a baby boy after 6 years of waiting!
    The other BIL & SIL have brought their first child just a few months before in UK, that too after 5 years of TTC.
    Both couples were childless for long, and underwent a lot of medical treatments in the past, so my in laws family is in cloud nine to celebrate their happiness.

    A little background about our relationship here: -

    I am their first DIL, and ours was an inter-religious marriage; hence so much drama from the beginning.
    It was my H's fault to listen to his parents even after marriage, that spoiled our initial marital bliss completely. We were even at the verge of separation, as my H failed to treat me or my kid (that time I had only one kid) as his own.
    They treated us as if we were not existed. They excluded us completely in family matters, and publicly shamed us, and made us feel so small all the time.

    That's when I've decided to grow in life, for self sustainability, towards success. It worked, as I gradually settled in my career & life without the help of my H or his family. (of course my parents were there as my backbone)
    In the next few years, my H reunited with us, and our marriage life started to be stable again.
    Later, he reunited his parents with us, and this time they pretended to be all nice outside, as they planned to arrange marriage for their other sons during that time.
    I didn't fall for them, but reciprocated to their love and good gestures.

    Both BILs got married to their relatives only. They started having their own family issues (mainly caused by MIL), but I stayed away from that for long.
    But after a few years, those co-sisters reached out to me, and showed their willingness to have family time together, so I reluctantly agreed.
    That's when I heard all the gossips and negative stories about me, as MIL has projected me as an evil woman.
    I knew this, because MIL has spoken the same among neighbors and relatives in the past when we had problems. But this time, I heard more, as it seems she had projected that my H is still under her control, but acts otherwise with me to maintain his marriage. They shared lots and lots of bad stuff as if my H had shared them with MIL against me.

    This meeting with co-sisters have brought back all the negativity and issues in our marriage; thus we fought back continually.
    So, my H got agitated, and went on to ask MIL whether these claims from co-sisters were true? Because they affect our marital happiness these days.

    This escalated a verbal confrontation among MIL/Co-sis and us, and during then one of the co-sister revealed how far MIL went on to separate us in the past, and how much grudge that she keeps against me (She told this infront of MIL, my H and BILs).
    That's when we decided to completely cut ties with in laws families in 2018.

    During this time, a priest came to our home and told that MIL has witched us and showed evidence of some evil idols from our ground to fuel the fire. This was attested by another Hindu pandit from my H's side.
    At the time of conflict, we too wholeheartedly believed their words, and got scared of her evil attempts as we already had lots of problems in life (financial, health wise, marital issues, work issues etc). The least we wanted back then was to allow someone to witch us.
    So, we were convinced that our decision to stay away from them was right; thus we didn't take any attempts to patch up.

    During this time, PILs have bad mouthed us all over, but we brushed them all off....

    Fast forward to today:-

    Now that we are trouble free and are able to think clearly, so we know how foolish it was to fall for these witch doctors. We regret it. And we accept the fact that these religious leaders used our fragile mental status to gain fame and money.
    But the fact remains unchanged, as MIL went on to seek evil advice, and tried evil things on us (we have material evidence like CCTV footage) believing it can cause harm against us. Since witchcraft is only a superstition and it couldn't do a thing, none of her efforts paid off. We are safe!!!

    Currently my H is under the impression that we could let go of MIL's other mistakes, as she was very orthodox and by nature she was like that.
    And now, he feels so lonely without the connection of his FOO (specially when I am very connected with my FOO). So, he looks forward to a chance to mingle with them.

    Since last issue, PILs (including BILs) have completely cut ties with H.
    They clearly stated that he is welcomed if he comes clean without us. None of his attempts to maintain a cordial relationship with them were reciprocated until recently when MIL fell sick and there was no one to take her to the hospital. So my H volunteered to help amidst covid lock down, and she accepted his help.

    Now that, BIL has invited us for the party..
    I am sure that my H won't go if I don't go.
    But then, I am not so sure what would he do if I ask him to go alone? Because he badly wanted to go!

    If I let him go, they will make it as an opportunity to corner him and spit all the venom against me to his mind as before.
    This can further damage our life, and I can't handle it anymore.

    If I reject this invitation, and suggest that we both don't go... then obviously he will feel bad, and lonely.
    I also would feel bad, and for sure it can create some bitterness in our marriage.

    If I accept the invitation and go as a family, then most likely I will be insulted by MIL and folks there. Like in the past, they could do this subtly, that my H don't even notice or recognize the act.
    I will regret it for life, as I feel I deserve to be respected. Now that, in my age and status, I no longer can accept such ill treatment. This can further damage our relationship.

    What do you suggest????
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The middle path - you go for a short time, be super gracious and calm, peaceful smile, no gossipy catching-up with anyone including co-sisters. Wish the happy parents and give your blessings to the baby. Let H decide how long he will stay. Totally avoid any comment about his going, his behavior there etc.

    About them influencing your H against you - that risk is better and more manageable than the sure and permanent resentment of not going.
     
    ashima10 and KashmirFlower like this.
  3. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Silver IL'ite

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    I think u both can accept dre invitation and in the same way tellto ur H that u both wil be back once u wished them and not going to stay dre for long time and ask him he has to giv company to u all over d party ..
    Dy invited u both so if u reject everyone wil see that it’s u not joining wth dm and think ur not happy and not ready to share dre happiness.same way ur first dil so ur presence s must and spend time wth dm and greet all ur relatives and come bk to ur home..
    So dt there s no chance to anyone to blame u in future too even ur H als..let ur mil spread anything don’t bother abut it and don’t let ur H to talk wth dm ur personal matters ..giv strict wrd wth ur H not to entertain dm much in ur personal life and don’t giv chance to dm to speak..
     
    drdiva likes this.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks both!

    Yes, we have decided to go. Its 4 hrs journey from home & we decided not to take kids along, and probably say some COVID related excuses if anyone asks so.

    As you suggested, I've decided to go with H, give our gift (usually we put a gold chain for all the kids in my side, so will do the same) and return after wishing them. I have a great excuse this time bcz i have a meeting in the same city where this event takes place. Though that meeting is not compulsory, I could pretend it is important to leave early.

    I expect my H also should do the same with me, so that we could project a decent outlook as couple before them.
    But not sure what is in store.... Let me propose this to H tomorrow on the way & see. But definitely i will not argue or regret if he chooses otherwise. Its completely his call...

    As fate would have it.... My mom started going back to her shells today after learning our decision to attend this party.
    I explained to her that how important it is for my H, and how we have planned to handle the event in a dignified manner.
    Also told her that we won't have lunch there or stay long, but just for the sake of attending we are going.
    But she takes it as if we are patching up with PILs and you know... All the drama about how and what they did to us in the past blah blah blah....

    She us hurt that I've chosen my H's happiness over her displeasure. I think that's the right thing to do, so i stood by it.
    She even refused to look after kids when we go tomorrow, so i decided to leave the kids with my sister.
    But then, she came around after knowing i was strong on my decision, so told us its OK that she can be home & look after the kids tomorrow. Let's see.

    Since morning she finds fault in kids and blame my parenting as if i am the worst mom.
    When i tried to explain like how difficult for me to handle household chores, cooking, their on-line studies along with my full time job/WFH. That too in a much responsible position in a new work place. Its all hectic and i am doing all i could do.
    But she blames that i am incapable of making my H do the hands on parenting like other dads whose wives have stressful job. And she blames me that i allow my H to enjoy, have it all while taking the kids future for granted. So in that aspect i am a worst mom. Again compared me to some x, y and z only to say i am the worst. It pained me, specially when i am in my bad mood & PMS.

    I shouted back at her for always criticizing me in everything i do, and i no longer be respectful to her criticism as i know what i do is right.
    She got hurt and went back to her shells, giving silent treatment to all.

    Oh my God.... I can't take this anymore.
    Feeling like going to somewhere and never come back to this nasty home. But then, my little daughter looks at my face and wipes my tears without knowing why mommy is crying.
    I should tolerate all this for my kids.
    But definitely i should learned to grow thick skin from now on.....

    Sometimes our own mothers treat their kids as the wives /Husbands of their enemies and no longer as their own kids.
     
  5. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @SGBV , hope everything went fine with your decision.. It is difficult to balance on a tight rope that you are currently in. But I think the decision that you have taken is the right one. And from all that you have said here, looks like it is difficult for you with respect to meeting your mother's expectations, but one thing you need to remember you can't please everyone ( husband, kids, inlaws, even parents) so first try to find peace in yourself and never blame yourself for anything..
    Stay safe travelling..take care
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear all

    Thanks, yes! I've found peace within myself with that fact that I can't please everyone. In fact, I've started pleasing myself & loving myself the more which I denied all these while by loving & pleasing everyone around us. It is important that I am happy, peaceful and stable both mentally and physically in order to give that love & peace for all at home. Specially for those who depend on me.
    It was a late realization, but late is better than never!

    So, we went to the event. As planned, we didn't want to stay there for long or participate into any family discussions, but to go there as guests!
    H did fully corporate with me, and it all went well.

    BIL and Co-sister and her family was very happy that we attended, and behaved so nicely in a respectful manner.
    FIL remained silent, and no issue from him
    MIL showed a long face, and immediately went inside the moment we entered. But who cares. No one reacted about her anger, but behaved so casually with us throughout, and finally she came out and remained in a corner.
    Looks like she had some issues (as usual) with co-sis & family too. I remembered all the drama around my first born back then.
    But thankfully, co-sisters family was too strong, and BIL was also on their side; thus MIL's drama didn't get any attention there.

    Weirdly I felt so happy inside to see MIL was isolated, and getting no attention in that house. This is how she made me sit in a corner during each and every functions of my kids in the past (like dominating the whole event by controlling my H and the guests and treating me like a maid with zero respect, which eventually lead to this separation).

    I came home and narrated the whole event to mom, which oddly satisfied her ego too. Not sure whether I did the right thing or not by sharing my H's family details with mom. But this thing, since mom too was a victim of MIL's and my H's side abuse in the past, I want her to feel the same weird satisfaction that I enjoyed. And yes, mom is back to normal now, and I am sure she would have gained the trust that I am on the right tract at least now.

    All are slowly progressing....
     
  7. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi
    So glad to hear everything went more than good:smile:..
    Happy for you, in finding peace within you..
    Well then looks like the main problem were the elderly and not your generation people..but yes just maintain a formal relationship for awhile so that you won't be overwhelmed or hurt by any sudden changes.. just proceed with how it was visiting the function in the future so that your husband will not resent you or you resent them.. baby steps, relearn to ride the bike..

    Well, as for sharing the information with your mom I guess it was a good thing.. because you have to share your happiness as well with people , happiness increases by sharing:laughing:..
    That weird hapiness is a good thing but yes don't spill it out to anyone else.. husband or co sis in the long run, let it be within you and your mom..
    Glad everything went well..so happy to hear and after reading all the things that you have been going through.. you made the right decision and it paid of well for you..:blush:
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks much....

    After 11 years of struggle, I've learned to live and mingle with people in the family all over again.
    It is definitely different in the family set up, than what it is in college or work place where I basically have no issues in terms of my inter-personal relationship :)

    As you said, the younger generation is a lot more generous and easy going than the older generation in our community.

    More than anything, the sure thing is that keeping your H on your side. That makes the difference here.

    Just having my H on my side silenced my PILs, changed my BILs and co-sisters and that's all. It is easy to go from here.
    Earlier, my H chose to hide behind his mom all the time, which exposed me alone before all my enemies. Even if I could explain my POV correctly, there was no one to accept or believe in me back then. But today, I didn't have to speak loud, everyone understood me because my H was with me.
     
    Sweety2019 likes this.

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