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Should Ladies With Mental Deficiencies Get Married

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by SuiDhaaga, Dec 5, 2020.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Dear @SuiDhaaga,

    I would like to start by telling your friend that Aspergers or High Functioning Autism or Level 1 Autism(or however else it’s called in the DSM these days) is a social disorder. Unless she has an ID diagnosis along with it, she’s not mentally deficient. She has a social disorder. Some of the people with HFA that I know are the smartest people I know. It’s wrong to peg herself below what she actually is capable of.

    This young woman, despite having HFA, seems to have overcome her social deficits enough to accomplish a lot. She has a degree and a good job and is quite self sufficient. That’s a remarkable success story. It’s not easy for young people on the spectrum to complete multiple degrees and hold down a job. She’s already a winner in my books. Has someone told her that? You should. Tell her how far she has come and how much she has achieved despite her HFA. She is truly an exceptional person and can be a role model for others on the spectrum. She can talk to young adults and their parents about how to navigate college, have a career that you love and so much more. I hope she does look into mentoring others.

    Regarding the parents, I would like to say that it's hard to parent any child. It's harder to parent a child on the spectrum who takes everything literally and remembers things said to him years ago. I'm a very careful parent these days because you never know what he picks up and talks about years later. He has repeated verbatim something that I have told him for a b'day years ago(he was non verbal back then).
    The incident with the five years old and the subsequent conversation happened when she was in her teens I presume. I've told my teen to please never consider parenting if she can't tolerate ________. It's not a literal statement, it's mostly sarcasm or said in jest. And letting a five years old come back after he has misbehaved is not unheard of. That's mature in my opinion. She'll make a great mom!

    It’s never too late to avail of some therapies. There are therapists out there who offer relationship and social etiquette counseling for young people on the spectrum. I’ve not delved into it too much because my child is still young but your friend should look into it. Apparently they are called Life Coaches. She can even become one with everything she has going for her but if she needs some counseling, life coaches seem to be a good idea. At least, that's what I hear from mothers who are parenting adults on the spectrum going through dating and other challenges.

    Regarding marriage, sometimes, those of us with reasonably happy marriages do tend to over simplify things. Women being assertive and standing their grounds are absolutely important but that's not the only factor in a marriage. The spouse matters. So if you read on here that right from the beginning, I did xyz and was assertive and hence have a good relationship, take it with a pinch of salt. It does take two to tango. Some men are just morons like your friend's ex but some are really great marriage material. She met this ex for a few hours and decided to tie the knot. For the next time, I hope she is able to date and get to know the man before jumping into marriage. I would say, her being cautious is a good thing. A life coach may be able to help her navigate the dating scenario. I hope she knows that although marriage is important for her, it's better to stay single than being with the wrong man. It's best she takes it slow.

    IF she hasn't already done so, finding others on the spectrum will help her socially. I believe there are such groups of adults on the spectrum(just women or both men and women). I urge you to research some of those in her area for your friend. Finding people who face the same challenges can help her a lot. The camaraderie may help her with social isolation that she's bound to feel being single.

    I wish your friend all the very best. I hope she lives her best life. My prayers are with her for a fulfilled happy life.
     
  2. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    She's been busy and super-stressed this week. When I told her she went on and on about how TV is bad.

    Nonetheless I believe I convinced her to see the promo and maybe few scenes from YouTUBE.


    My friend often gets upset and angry because she feels she is put into a box that is less than what she is capable of. Yet when she makes mistakes she puts herself down and feels she doesn't deserve love.

    In her early life she's been told her husband would get irritated at her, her kids would be ashamed of her etc, etc. Well, that's water under the bridge.

    She liked that, "peg herself below what she actually is capable of". She said she may print,laminate and hang that phrase.

    She enjoys mentoring opportunities. Earlier she had few rough spots with mentoring. People she mentored at work only joined the program to goof off and she got discouraged.

    But boy, she wants to teach and mentor. Part of the reason she is studying for IT certifications is so she can become a certified trainer. Perhaps from there she can segway into mentoring and coaching. She's trying to figure this out for herself.

    My goodness, I think she would make a fine teacher!


    She cried when she read you believe she'd make a great mom. She says her happiness would not only come from mentoring, but from the happiness of her family. She prays for a good Husband and to be blessed with Children. Working round-the-clock for their happiness, plus mentoring/teaching would be the "honey of her coffee."

    She's tired therapies and the people just sit there and let you talk. Perhaps she can re-visit the idea. :hmmm:

    But she loved the idea of "life coach". Sometimes parent of these adults need outside viewpoint.

    For the longest time she was brainwashed by Dr. Laura, and even bought her books. This "Dr" believes that only women have the power to heal a broken marriage. True, Dr. Laura says divorce in the case of abuse, adultery and addiction, but from what I heard, she blames just about everything on women.

    Dr. Laura even said that girls in India are asking for eve-teasing because they wear skinny jeans.

    So it is media that messed her mind and made her believe that if her devil ex is cruel to her, especially when she is most bare and vulnerable, it is somehow her fault. Which is why she is shunning Internet and TV (maybe except the Netflix series of love on the spectrum) for now.

    She wishes to be in right place and circumstances to start meeting and dating men. And taking her time.

    We are currently researching these groups. She says she wants to be around people who are smarter than her so she can improve, but she also feels she can be comfortable with people who have similar challenges as her. After all they can become a team and help each other improve.


    My friend says "Thank you very much!!!" :cry:
     
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  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    I would love to see more teachers around who are passionate about their role. Sounds like she will be one of them. Good luck to her on that venture.
    Keep us posted on how it goes. I’d love to hear personal experience from people on the spectrum.
    That’s sort of black and white thinking. Now that she’s older and more mature she can easily decipher good content from bad. She doesn’t have to give it up entirely if she has time. Just switch shows when the content is garbage like this Dr Laura.

    I hope she finds the social group. With covid, it maybe zoom based but it’s still better than nothing.

    I’ll share more if I come upon things that may help her.
     
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  4. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    My friend saw some clips on Youtube. She sees herself in these ladies. These so-called experts never detected Aspergers in her.

    My friend wishes she saw this before she was tricked into fraudulent marriage with person who abused her and wanted her for GC.

    Most certainly, women with Aspergers are most likely to be victims of sexual abuse, intimate partner abuse, etc.

    What Women With Autism Want You to Know | Iris - YouTube
     
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  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    So sad your friend had to go through an abusive marriage
    It's true that people on the spectrum are more likely to be abused since they are innocent, not able to understand manipulation.
    Is your friend on Facebook. I have seen support groups where ASD people chat with each other. She should join and interact with them. She will feel better.
     
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  6. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    I'll ask my friend to join FB. She's scared of Social Media.
     
  7. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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  9. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Gold IL'ite

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    I am trying to get her to join.

    I've noticed people with Aspi are better looking than rest of population (probably because they are straightforward, don't lie, etc), and I'm trying to convince her with this argument. She is certainly your classical Indian beauty!

    Keeping fingers crossed!
     
  10. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Autistic ones are the best ones!

    Narcists and Psycopaths are the ones who shouldnt marry but they have got those eagle eyes to spot the victim from faaar. Also they are the ones usually marrying people left right centre..

    Cest la vie !:hmmm:

    How does someone decide if she will be a bad mother?, if anything I have seen these people taking care of others with all their heart. I know a person and now he is a hospital lead nurse and the way he cares about patients is truly sweet. These honest kind are an easy prey to the pscyopaths is what I fear. Apart from that she could be one damn of a mother.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2021
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