Should Ladies With Mental Deficiencies Get Married

Dear @SuiDhaaga,

I would like to start by telling your friend that Aspergers or High Functioning Autism or Level 1 Autism(or however else it’s called in the DSM these days) is a social disorder. Unless she has an ID diagnosis along with it, she’s not mentally deficient. She has a social disorder. Some of the people with HFA that I know are the smartest people I know. It’s wrong to peg herself below what she actually is capable of.

This young woman, despite having HFA, seems to have overcome her social deficits enough to accomplish a lot. She has a degree and a good job and is quite self sufficient. That’s a remarkable success story. It’s not easy for young people on the spectrum to complete multiple degrees and hold down a job. She’s already a winner in my books. Has someone told her that? You should. Tell her how far she has come and how much she has achieved despite her HFA. She is truly an exceptional person and can be a role model for others on the spectrum. She can talk to young adults and their parents about how to navigate college, have a career that you love and so much more. I hope she does look into mentoring others.

Regarding the parents, I would like to say that it's hard to parent any child. It's harder to parent a child on the spectrum who takes everything literally and remembers things said to him years ago. I'm a very careful parent these days because you never know what he picks up and talks about years later. He has repeated verbatim something that I have told him for a b'day years ago(he was non verbal back then).
The incident with the five years old and the subsequent conversation happened when she was in her teens I presume. I've told my teen to please never consider parenting if she can't tolerate ________. It's not a literal statement, it's mostly sarcasm or said in jest. And letting a five years old come back after he has misbehaved is not unheard of. That's mature in my opinion. She'll make a great mom!

It’s never too late to avail of some therapies. There are therapists out there who offer relationship and social etiquette counseling for young people on the spectrum. I’ve not delved into it too much because my child is still young but your friend should look into it. Apparently they are called Life Coaches. She can even become one with everything she has going for her but if she needs some counseling, life coaches seem to be a good idea. At least, that's what I hear from mothers who are parenting adults on the spectrum going through dating and other challenges.

Regarding marriage, sometimes, those of us with reasonably happy marriages do tend to over simplify things. Women being assertive and standing their grounds are absolutely important but that's not the only factor in a marriage. The spouse matters. So if you read on here that right from the beginning, I did xyz and was assertive and hence have a good relationship, take it with a pinch of salt. It does take two to tango. Some men are just morons like your friend's ex but some are really great marriage material. She met this ex for a few hours and decided to tie the knot. For the next time, I hope she is able to date and get to know the man before jumping into marriage. I would say, her being cautious is a good thing. A life coach may be able to help her navigate the dating scenario. I hope she knows that although marriage is important for her, it's better to stay single than being with the wrong man. It's best she takes it slow.

IF she hasn't already done so, finding others on the spectrum will help her socially. I believe there are such groups of adults on the spectrum(just women or both men and women). I urge you to research some of those in her area for your friend. Finding people who face the same challenges can help her a lot. The camaraderie may help her with social isolation that she's bound to feel being single.

I wish your friend all the very best. I hope she lives her best life. My prayers are with her for a fulfilled happy life.

 

I would love to see more teachers around who are passionate about their role. Sounds like she will be one of them. Good luck to her on that venture.

Keep us posted on how it goes. I’d love to hear personal experience from people on the spectrum.

That’s sort of black and white thinking. Now that she’s older and more mature she can easily decipher good content from bad. She doesn’t have to give it up entirely if she has time. Just switch shows when the content is garbage like this Dr Laura.

I hope she finds the social group. With covid, it maybe zoom based but it’s still better than nothing.

I’ll share more if I come upon things that may help her.