Should I try to talk about this to DH?

Priyagold · Mar 11, 2010

Hello ladies, I bumped into Indusladies looking for recipes. But found that this is a great place where you all give wonderful opinions.

Some info to explain my problem: I have been married for three years. Beginning period of my marriage was little bumpy but we could handle it as we are in US and there could not be much interference in our marriage from in-laws. Had we stayed in India we would have lots of problems.

The only thing that still hurts me sometimes when I think about it is my husbands attitude in presence of SIL(his sister). He has a younger married sister of whom he is very fond. In the first year of marriage he used to compare me to her with regards cooking, home management etc. He used to get extremely nostalgic about how he would get good fresh food whenever he used to visit her. I used to get very hurt since at least in the beginning of marriage a girl wants to feel that her hubby admires her. But I never fought for this reason. There were many other minor things he used to compare me with her for. Gradually I learned to take it in my stride and look over it. I must also tell here that SIL is cold towards me from day 1. She came to my parents house when we went there two days after marriage and was very cold and indifferent to my family and even made faces at my parents. She used to pass a lot of hurting comments at me and DH would just stand there and listen.

Now what is troubling me is that, we are trying to have a baby. SIL is also pregnant and my husband takes a lot of interest in her pregnancy and calls her up regularly. Sometimes I feel suppose both she and I have a baby whom will DH consider his own baby? I sometimes feel that he will start comparing my child too with SIL's child. At times I feel I should give our marriage more time and not have baby. But I'm 28 and clock is ticking for me.

Should I have a straight talk with my hubby about my concern? I never told him how much his obsession for his sister hurt me, but now I feel I should ask him whether he would be able to love my child as his own. And not obsess over SIL. Also we would be returning to India in a year, I want to see how he treats me when we are in India especially in presence of SIL. For this reason also I feel I should stop TTC for a year. What is your opinion? Should I tell him my reasons for having doubts about TTC? Please suggest.

He is otherwise a good person and open to conversation. But SIL is his weakness and I fear whether he would be ready to hear anything about related to her.

Priya16 · Mar 11, 2010

Priyagold,

I don't think anything will happen like that.Don't keep unnessary fears in mind.Bsaically for the men it's kind of a show off thing where they like to compare wife to some one else and it's just show off.
He might love his sister but we shouldn't be compared with his sister.The blood realtion is much thinker than our relations because they grew up togther from there birth.Marraige also will get stronger bonding as days goes by.So don't do that mistake by asking him.
He might eventually get busy with his new born and his family .Just enjoy and don't create unnessary tention in the house.

Foundlove · Mar 11, 2010

Dear Priyagold,
Please take these thoughts out of your mind.I understand how it feels.

Now you can either just ignore all this which is not working for you or maybe talk to hubby straight forward.

It can go like this....(if you have a brother or cousin or even dad)..tell DH.." I admire and love my (brother or cousin or dad)...but I am not constantly comparing you to them.How would you feel if I do so.I love your sister as my own but these comparisons are bothering me please stop them"

Say it matter of factly and don't fight..Don't go further or give examples or instances and in no way bring up her bad behaviour...See if this works.

Good Luck.

Priyagold · Mar 11, 2010

Perhaps you girls are right I'm procrastinating, but I know of cases where father loves his brother/sister's kids more than his own kids. Its very common in India that a guy thinks wife and kids are secondary to bro/sis& their kids. My hubby's obsession with SIL makes me think will he be one such father. This is why I get second thoughts about having baby now. And this is why I feel I should talk to him about how I feel.

Priya16 · Mar 11, 2010

Priya,

You can change only thing with positive energy and not with negative energy.
But definitely if your husband overdoing then your SIL hubby also might be sailing in the same boat as you right.
If he doesn't give priority for his own children then who is the looser? Your husband will be the looser and not you. Because kids will notice these things and they will evaluate themselves the role of their father in their lives. So don't worry. I know these things sometimes bother you but try to keep busy yourself and don't ruin possessive feelings your life.
Best thing would be,if you have brother start calling him more often when your husband present and let him know your feelings.

Drpreethis · Mar 11, 2010

Priya,

You say your hubby is open to conversation isnt ? Then go ahead and talk your heart out.

You are married to this guy for 3 years and by now you should've reached a good level of understanding isnt ? Talk to him about your fears, after all he is your husband.

Do put it accross to him, the best way you want to and tell him, you just feel awkward.

Marriage needs mutual respect , so if that prevails in your relationship then, why worry to talk !

Take care, be transparent with your worries and apprehension. Being a good husband he need to listen and comfort .

sita2223 · Mar 11, 2010

Priyagold,

Communication is very important in any marriage.Talk to your DH.. starting the conversation by discussing how nice it would be to have a baby and how much time, care and attention the baby needs. Then tell him about your fears and doubts.

If they turn out to be silly fears, your mind will be at ease, whats to lose? If he gets mad and the conversation turns into an arguement.. dont shy away.. its always better to solve a problem before it starts or in the early stages. No use crying over spilt milk.tsk

ShilpaMa · Mar 11, 2010

Priya.. stop these unnecessary worries & prolonging TTC.
What matters most that its your baby & you're going to produce it & does it really matter if your DH shares some of his affection towoards SILs child?

When a child is born, a mother of today is too preoccupied with his/her welfare by herself.. so you need to answer WILL you love this child over and above everyone.. and the answer is YES.. he'll be above your DH too hence no comparisons and attitude matter as long as the mother can do her best.

vennelaaaa · Mar 11, 2010

Hey Priya...
I agree with many people who advised talking to your Dh about this...
but just be careful about how you phrase your sentences...make sure you let him know what exactly is bothering you..sometimes when conversations become intense we might say many things that we don't mean...
also , when you are in India with your SIL, try to be very nice with her (not that u won't be)...your DH will like it because of the affection he has for his sister...
and don't worry about your DH not attending your kids as much as his sister's kids...i am sure he will attend well...if he doesnot, you can try involving him in many activities with the kid...
all the best!

Indyan · Mar 11, 2010

Priyagold-

Here's my suggestion,
When you talk to your husband-

Dont get into the comparison of YOU Vs SIL. Try to stay above it ,even though he does it all the time ,just ignore it.Whenever he starts doing that ,try to spin it off as US(you and your husband) Vs THEM (SIL and her husband),no matter how trivial the issue is always try to take the conversation in that direction.

Dont say 'your baby' and 'her(SIL) baby',always address it as 'our child' and 'their child'.

Be patient and and eventually he'll stop doing that.

I'm saying this from my experience,when we were growing up,my father always used to compare us(me and my brother) with his sister's kids.My mom hated that .
Even though as kids we never experienced it ,(we have great relationship with our cousins ),its only now that we are all grown -up that my mom told us these stories that when we were toddlers my dad was more attached to his sister's kids and would always compare us.
After some years, eventually, he grew out of it.

I suggest you should let your husband know that ,its not fair to compare you with SIL all the time ,but make sure you choose the right words and the right time.

Good luck!