1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Should I tell my DH?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Looking4Advice, Jul 10, 2010.

  1. Looking4Advice

    Looking4Advice New IL'ite

    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I felt compelled to clarify one more point which I had missed. I did have the discussion of the ticket cancellation of my parents with my DH. I dint obviously tell him about the childhood thing but just told him that they are being so calculative etc, so I think we should cancel for now. After we become a little financially secure we can get them as their intention is only to visit places.
    He says "We dont want to be like them. If we think of money like they do then what is the difference between us and them. We dont have enough money, they know that and they still want to exploit us. The correct way to respond will be to just have them come, see places and leave. That ways we will still have a clear conscience and we will always be above them and not like them."
    We had a lot of discussion over this and while he understands that they want to come here so they can visit US and enjoy before our visa expires (next year), he thinks canceling the ticket would mean that our thinking is as cheap as their thinking is. Well, we did argue and finally I gave in as it was a valid point.
    Obviously another thing was telling people (mainly in-laws) on why we were suddenly canceling their tickets (though honestly I know this is not at all in any way a valid reason)
     
  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,555
    Likes Received:
    102
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Male

    Since you asked:

    STRONGLY disagree with what you have decided.

    Your Dad should NOT be allowed into your house UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, and his trip needs to be cancelled. Relatives and Inlaws do not matter in this serious decision.

    You are making a big mistake and living in an illusion and need to wake up and step out of it. This is my honest opinion. You need to cancel your dad's trip. Even if some thousands of dollars go waste, the money is less important here.

    But its upto you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
  3. swarnalata.N.S.

    swarnalata.N.S. Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,397
    Likes Received:
    791
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear
    I read your post, all the comments and your final decision.
    First of all, I feel sorry for you that you suffered in childhood.

    Now, another sorry. Sorry, I don't agree with your decision.

    You have your family now, what need to "look good" in eyes of relatives and friends and suffer uncomfortable situations ?

    Better make a "cut and dried" once-for-all decision and remove your that pervert Father ( and mother) from your life. I know its very painful. But time will heal.
    And tell your DH everything. After all, you did nothing wrong to be guilty. If your DH is a sensible man and loves you, he will understand.

    Finally, its your life, your choice.

    my best wishes to you.
     
  4. DevikaS

    DevikaS Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    469
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    If I was in your situation I would tell my DH everything !! and also not have my father in the house .. no ways..
     
  5. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,904
    Likes Received:
    9,010
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    L4A ,

    you have such a sensible mature DH , why do you worry. its time you tell him a little bit about the reason behind to make him understand why you are proposing this cancellation.

    Having experienced similar trauma in my childhood by relative and outsider , I was silent not to reply to your post ( it will really spoil the mood my whole day ) , however since you are asking , please NO . dont bring them here.
    Its a bad bad idea.
    Staying in the same roof with him will be horrible for you .


    @others,
    Yes few mothers dont understand this, they are innocent / ignorant themselves. even though i have told my mother that my uncle behaved bad , she goes and tells this to her mother (my grand-mom) . would you think she's a sensible one NO ! she advises me that uncle just hugged you out of love and I shouldnt feel bad. GOSH ! i still think that was most embarrassing and outraging moment of my life. I swore i wont meet him or talk to him ever.
    (sorry for bringing down the mood , feel so light pouring this out here )
     
  6. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    65
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Just think once...he is going to live with you for 6 months which is a long period...will you take care of your health and baby or keep on worrying about protecting your baby.
    Also,just think yourself that if someday by any chance you sleep or you are sick and hubby doesn't know about him and leaves the daughter with him and God forbid something happens..will you be able to forgive yourself ever.And will your husband ever forgive you for not telling him in advance to protect your daughter from that person.
    And someone suggested to check if your father has changed but how will you know whether he is still a molester or not until he does something again.
    I think you should cancel their trip i know may be he is a changed person now but this is the fruit of karma.And really this is disgusting to do something like that.
    I think that your mother is also responsible for all that happened to you..because you told her that someone os opening your zip in the night still she did not protect you.And again now she is coming to your place when your daughter can be at risk.The biggest mistake of her i feel is how can a wife forgive this kind of man.If she did then she has to share his part of karma the result of which she is going to see now.
    Its not your fault that you are being selfish and protecting you are doing something which she should have done much earlier.
    If they feel bad about it then its their bad karma.its not your fault.You don't have to be guilty about it.
    else what you can do is...call them...and send them for trips directly and when they come back from trip book their return flight.Let them visit places but don't let them stay in your house for more than 2 days.
    That way in laws,relatives nobody will question anything.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2010
  7. Sabitha_K

    Sabitha_K Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,888
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear L4A,

    I had to read your post twice, especially the section where you mentioned the reason for having them come over THIS TIME.I am not sure if my brain is so knackered or what but I absolutely make no sense of the reason you have quoted and the result of having them here.As you explicitly mentioned that you want to hear our views, I want to inform you that I fail to understand your reasoning.Your DH reasoning that there would not be any difference between your parents and you both as a couple if you cancel their trip is also beyond my comprehension.I am not sure why everyone is grappling to be one above the other when I thought this was all about doing something right -the best for your baby and your family.

    I am not sure if that is the correct way of responding or accepting that what they are doing is right.I am really confused.I wish I could help you but I am more perplexed reading your subsequent post.

    Anyways, it is your life and I wish all the best in the world.Loads of love and take care.

     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2010
  8. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    651
    Likes Received:
    525
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear though the option of your father stepping into your house is not something that should happen.

    I can see you being in a fix and have taken a decision.

    If I were you probably I would have done the same. However please bear one thing in mind.

    You are thinking of telling this to your DH sometime later.
    - Note you didnt tell this all these yrs that might become an issue.
    - Allowing such a person inside your house is another issue.
    - Dont get into such a situation. Something said once can never be undone. Life of yours is going smooth so try to keep it up.

    Rather than all these why dont you pick your phone and blast your mother's husband so that he himselves stop coming. Am sure that would not be told to your mom by him that you blasted him for his past doings. (I am sure you are keeping soft just for the sake of your mom)
     
  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,327
    Likes Received:
    1,508
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    L4A, I went thru your posts and now got a clear picture.First of all if you were SA(sexually abused) as a kid,why wud you think now your dad wud be different. You are not only putting yourself in SA danger again but your kid too. Do you want that?
    I know it must be hard to tell your husband. Lets leave that part and concentrate on present situation.Your mom is oblivious to your dad's acts or she is plain trying to milk you .You will be taking a huge expense with them coming and inviting post partum depression big time. Added to that you wont be getting rest at all with keeping an eye on baby and your dad.

    I dont agree to your husband's thoughts of letting your parents come just so that you both dont become them. Thats not right way to have somebody learn a lesson. At what cost? You will be losing money and added tension in the house. How will somebody learn a lesson by getting their way?Pull the stop now and tell them you are cancelling their tickets becoz you cant afford it.Forget the financial trouble u will have,think mentally too. Can you afford all this in your pregnancy.Forget all this and tell your husband you can manage.Forget this for a min ,is your mom a good care for you post delivery. If the answer is no dont you think its time you stop it.Forget what the whole world things or what your parents might say to everybody.The people who listen to this arent the people who are in your position.So it wont make much difference to you the mother and the baby if they dont come.Think and tell your husband with a baby you cant afford to overspend and need to save for him/her.It might set him thinking.Good Luck.
     
  10. lotusgirl

    lotusgirl Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Girl, read only if you want a really frank opinion. I have never been so harsh online in my life and i might get some mod comments, but as somebody who feels strongly about it i had to say this -

    1 reason i hadnt checked this thread again for a while was because i believed you got a pretty lot of suggestions which went the same direction and that helped you with your final decision..

    but looks like, you still want to live in denial! you want to keep up appearences & then want to suffer like a martyr?? May i ask for whom????

    you dont want your ILs to know you had to cancel your parents trip becuase 1, your father is a pervert & 2 they are just moneyminded and want to rip you off???

    Ok, agreed given the social situation you dont want the world to know how your father behaved with you many years back. Yes society still blames the victim & yes the embarassment is pretty normal. There are so many sexual abuses i have faced in the crowded buses that i have been ashamed to say out loud for a long time & that really had a bad effect!! So admitting a father or even a family friend did to this extent which changes the whole family dymanics takes a real brave heart & mind which frankly most of us lack. the act makes us feel ashamed , though it should not!

    so forget telling anybdy about the abuse.. go ahead with your life .. but you are a parent soon & you have a duty to your child & to your spouse. I reiterate what i mentioned in my earlier post which you have i believe totally missed! What if yiour DH knew a close family member of his is an abuser..could abuse girl/boy whatever, would you want to know or not??
    I guess the answer is obvious??
    So i hope and pray if not about the abuse you suffered, you were able to make up all those stories you planned to tell your DH & he realises his Father in law is a potential abuser! Atleast that much you could do right??? your husband needs to know his child is near a potential threat. End of story on that issue!!

    About your husbands attitude on being the better people.. go ahead and be the better person, but within limits & within reasonable circumstances.
    Being the better person towards a potential abuser is not being a better person, that being stupid & naive . Once your DH knows about your father, do you think he would still have this attitude?
    We have been better persons similarly when we realised some ppl dont realise certain things.. but never beyond our limits! We just shrugged off the expense as some obligation that has been done with.

    My suggestion even now would be to avoid your parents over. The stress you will have will not be worth it. your post pregnancy health will suffer, there is risk of PND, also stress is really bad for breast milk production.. you dont want to end up not being able to feed your child too right? and always being on watch is not easy on the mind, esp when your DH goes back to work & you are home with the parents the whole day with a new born.

    You say you will tell your parents, your bedroom is off limits for them to enable you to BF without him around.. how are you going to say that to theur face that they are not allowed into the room, if you cant even confront them anything till date?? they walk over you ad you allow it to keep your face & keep the peace. So the mnths they are there, they will continue walkiing over you and you will keep on taking it. So decide now.
    Best would be call your parents place, talk to your dad & tell him point blank that you dont want him there for reasons which is known to him & you from long back. You dont want to talk about it anymore and if he wants to save face, he can make up some excuse of health or whatever and tell the society around him. And tell him th reason should not involve you or your DH's money or anything else that is worrying you that your ILs might know of!
    Thats the maximum i can come up with.

    Please do consider, when strangers on an internet forum takes so much time & concern to tell you about the situation, maybe there is something that you need to do??

    take care!!! please dont get abused again!!
     

Share This Page