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Should I tell my DH?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Looking4Advice, Jul 10, 2010.

  1. Looking4Advice

    Looking4Advice New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your responses. No, I did not invite either my mother or my father. My mother volunteered to come here by herself as my last experience with her stay here was not great. But the sad part is she insisted that my dad come... as they want to visit places. I cannot avoid his coming but they are intending to stay for 6 full months and I have told them directly that they can leave early after they visit places. I wish my MIL could have come rather but her passport has expired and she could not get a new one now.

    MrsN, This was in my childhood. I never got to spend too much time with either of my parents after that and whenever I have .. he hasn't done anything. Or rather I think I became mature and ensured I was safe.

    regjusttoreply, sorry but the last thing I need is rudeness as I already have way too much going on. Like I said I did not invite my father.

    Laks09, 80% of my gut tells me that I need to tell my DH.. but the others have made some valid suggestions. I dont want to bring any damage to my married life by digging into the past. My DH is a very mature person and he knows that I have had my share of bad childhood moments. He does not know what, when and who...

    Ladies, I cannot avoid my fathers' trip though I can cut it really short (which I am fully intending too). I want my daughters safety to be my DH's biggest priority, though I have told him once or twice that we need to always be around DD etc he doesnt seem to take my seriously. Is there a better way I can break it to him? I understand that you dont suggest telling my past but how do I drive the point to my DH and at the same time stress on the safety of my LO..
     
  2. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    L4advice,

    This is my very earnest request to you after reading you other posts. CANCEL THEIR TRIP.

    I just gave birth and am aware of the difficulties in pregnancy and later. My folks were here and my mother kept saying that their priority is ME and taking care of ME and she does not want to visit places. I hate to say this - but here goes. Your dad is anyways a cheap scum.. your mother is no better either for treating you this way during pregancy talking about visiting places.

    One of my friends had her travel minded ILs come in during pregnancy and she went through HELL and back. She almost lost her baby and ended up with serious complications. She is still suffering from the outcome.

    I beg you sweetheart - Do not be such an EMOTIONAL fool. Just because they are your parents they dont need to be treated like gods especially when all they have given you is pain. Call and tell your mom that the trip is off and you can handle this yourself or else clearly tell your mom that you will tell your husband about your dad and he will be asked questions and will be insulted by your husband. Believe me - You do not need these people during pregnancy.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2010
  3. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Looking4advice,

    I reallyfeel horrible what and all you have gone through in your childhood.. I appreciate that you have emerged mentally stable after all that and you are leading a happy married life..

    Donot ever tell your husband that you were molested as a child by your own father.. He might think of you very differently from then on..

    Secondly, time to get tough with your father.. Tell your parents that they are not welcome in your house.. Tell your husband and you are not comfortable with their stay in your house.. It would be better if they stay in a motel/hotel/other relatives house.. You'll be putting yourself in deep trouble by inviting your father that too at the time of delivery, when a woman is most vulnerable to succumb to depression..

    Despite all this, still they insist on coming, give him a silent treatment.. Make it evident that you do not want them here.. First protect yourself then think of other relations..

    btw, you said your experience with your mother during her last stay was not all that great.. Why, what happened?.. Dont add to the stress by having them here..

    Enjoy your pregnancy
    GoodLuck..
     
  4. swaram

    swaram Senior IL'ite

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    Telling DH that your father molested you is not an easy thing, but at the same time you have the duty to protect your kids.

    If not are not sure about telling this to DH, why don't you tell DH that when you were young, you have heard some people accuse your dad for wrong behavior . You can always come up with a story that you have seen your dad misbehave with somebody else but was too young to realize what was happening. Given his reputation, you would prefer that you and DH are always around etc. Also tell DH that you are not comfortable having your dad around here. Once you both agree then you can tell your mom directly that you do not want them here and tell her what your dad did to you.

    Swaram
     
  5. curiousgal

    curiousgal Bronze IL'ite

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    To tell or not to: I would say that it would depend on the kind of relationship that you share with your husband. You know your husband pretty well and if you think that he will be able to handle this truth maturely, then you have to let him know. Your father will definitely lose respect in his eyes and he might even forbid you from having any relationship with them whatsoever, but isnt that what your father deserves? Dont be a good samaritan and say that you forgive him for what he's done. What he has done cannot be forgotten nor forgiven. Ppl like this dont deserve the respect that you are giving him.
    Also if your husband is understanding and you share this truth with him, your will let go of the burden that you've been carrying yourself for so many years.

    But girl, if you think your husband will not be able to digest this fact, DO NOT tell him....not now when you are pregnant....your hormones are all whacked up now and you dont want to make matters even worse.

    My sincere opinion would be to have your parents cancel their trip. Your mom knows what happened to you in your childhood and you can very bluntly give that as the reason for not having them here in the US with you. Girl, postpartum period is so difficult.....if this is your first baby then you dont know how your life changes after the baby is born....you will be tired, stressed, sleep deprived and almost crazy......pls girl......dont invite more trouble for yourself.

    Just imagine....if you are breastfeeding your child and your father walks in.....it would bring back all the bitter memories....and pls...pls trust me when i say, the period after the baby is born is so stressful, I've been through it myself......those of us here in US undergo this.....

    Do you or your husband have any sisters who can come and help you for the initial 3-4 months? If not, get a nanny to help you.....any other option is better than having that man in your house!

    I'm already having nightmares after having watched a video of child abuse on youtube abt 2 wks back.......I still havent forgotten it and cry every day......and now your experience......
    I havent experienced it and still I cry....I can only imagine what you went through.....

    Just give yourself some time to think calmly about what you want to do and then act wisely.

    If your parents are here and you plan on keeping your baby away from your dad, it might be a lil difficult....because you will need your rest.....and while you are resting, you might hand over your baby to your mom......but what if your mom has to go to the loo or go bathe and hands over your baby to your dad. You will not have any control.

    Good luck sweetie......take good care of yourself and your LO! Babies are precious!
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2010
  6. regjusttoreply

    regjusttoreply New IL'ite

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    I meant how could a mother can allow a child molester under the safe roof with her kid where she has even 0.1% chance to avoid. No matter whether you invited them or you cannot say "NO" for their visit.

    anyway
    Take care
     
  7. gjaya

    gjaya Silver IL'ite

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    Dear L4A,

    I remember advising you before, it was regarding your Mom and Dad visit and their endless taunts and expectation of sightseeing etc. I and others especially Vidhakarthik had strongly advised you to just cancel their tickets.

    After reading this latest, I am dumbfounded that you still are going ahead with calling them. Seriously?? How hard it is for you to just pick up the call and say the trip is canceled. There are so many of couples, my own friends who have managed alone with pregnancy and after. Trust me its not hard, don't you think its better off not having your Dad in house and you constantly worry about what is going to happen.

    Are you just clueless or just unable to take any decision. :bonkReally what you need is a wake-up call, my dear. I hope you get it sooner than later.

    The first thing you have to do is not whether or not tell your DH about your Dad.......instead you have to do this -

    CANCEL THEIR TRIP!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2010
  8. Nitha J

    Nitha J IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello;

    I agree more with the opinion that Laks gave ..... telling your DH about your father. But I also understand the "precarious situation" if it is disclosed.
    DH's losing respect towards your father should be last thing you should be worried about; as he is not entitled to any such rspect. But only thing you should be worried is whether it will affect your relationship with your DH. If you feel that your DH will take it in the right sense and won't bring it up in future arguments; maybe you can bare your heart.

    Else; you can tell your DH that you are not comfortable wit your father around; and can cite his "womanising" character like looking at the female relatives etc etc (except your molestation situation) and tell that you are not comfortable around him.

    As one of the poster has mentioned; he may have changed; but what if he hasn't. Why to take the chance with your LO????? Whatver it is; it is always better for you that h doesn't come for delivery. Take my word postpartum blues are the terriblest to manage and with this nagging thought; you won't get any peace of mind to leave your LO alone. It is better to hire a part-time nanny.

    Wishes
    Nitha
     
  9. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Dear after one of the ILs hinted I remember having read your other thread of parents plans to visit places.

    Its really high time you just cancel their trip.

    I have a new born and with my experience I tell you IT IS NOT SOOO DIFFICULT to handle without your mom during delivery and thereafter. All you need is your DHs support. Now that your DH is with you he is more than enough for you. Just nothing more. Please for heaven sake cancel their trip.

    Trust me, with your dad around if you have pain during cramps you might not be able to shout...

    The pleasant feeling of having your Baby would be gone but the need of protecting it becomes priority. That is not what you want.

    Now I think you need suggestion how to cancel your parents trip and not abt having a fox around and trying to safegaurd the sheep by telling the shepard that a fox exist.
     
  10. newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    Its disgusting for a father to do such a thing to his own daughter...but that apart you have moved on and have your own life now. So coming to your issues/concerns...my suggestion would be to first talk to your mom about all your fears. Ask her how does she really think her hubby is now? I mean she seems to know it even when he did that thing to you...so ask her first.
    Secondly talk to your elder brother. Is he married? how does he feel with your dad....with his wife being around him etc.
    IF both of them say that your dad is fine now...then i think you should just let it go and not tell your DH about anything and just get them here and then you yourself judge him. Even after that if you feel you and your kid is not safe around him, then find some bahana and make him return early. My adivse would be try not to tell DH as much as possible....you never know how he will turn out to be. I mean how much ever a good man he might be.....I feel men tend to use it against you during a fight...and that time you will be even more devastated.
    Also thinking from the post-partum hormonal changes...the small fight between you and your hubby might flare up out of proportions too.....just my 2 cents.

    Take care,
    NB
     

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