Should I tell my DH?

Looking4Advice · Jul 10, 2010

Hi,
This issue has been troubling me for a while now and I finally decided that I should get some advice before I decide anything. I am currently happily married and we are expecting our first baby as well. My DH is very loving and a very understanding man. We have a great rapport between the both of us and are almost like great friends. He knows everything about my previous relationships, crushes, friends etc. Now, there is something I want to tell my husband but I am not sure if I should.
As a child I have gone through my share of molestations. Either it was from a distant cousin or from some relative of some kind. I have learnt to put all that behind me and even to-date i have a decent relationship with these people. I dont know how I can do it, I seriously dont... but I think my mind wants to forget what happened. In days like this when I r'ber what happened, my blood boils but on normal days I talk to them politely (if not over friendly).
The worst thing that happened to me would be what my father did. I must have been some where in between my 8th to 12th standard. These are the days when you tend to sleep soundly and securely .. Many mornings I used to wake up with my nighty's zip being completely open. I was really shocked as it kept happening for a few days. I used to try to keep awake till real late, but eventually doze off. Then one morning I told my mother that my nighty's zip is open every night and I heard her asking my father. Did you do it? My father said .. "No ofcourse not" and the conversation ended. The next day she just asked me to sleep on her side... Anyways, in my heart of hearts I knew it had to be my father as my elder brother would never do such a thing.. Also my brother never slept in our room.
After some days, I woke up one night and my fathers hand was under my skirt and inside my underwear touching my private part. I was disgusted and took his hand out and literally threw it. What strength would a kid have There have been quite a few instances like one day I caught him measuring my bra against my mothers bra etc but that night's episode is something I can never forget. I have also seen him staring at women's breasts when they are sleeping in our house (relatives). To be honest I was extremely glad to get out of there and go to college and live in a hostel. It has been 15 years now and I have visited home only for a week max. As a man if he was an outsider I would have burnt him alive... but as a dad my relationship with him is decent. He wants money I give him... I talk to him respectfully and have a ok relationship.
The point is now I am pregnant and my dad and mom are coming to live with us for 6 months. I know my father is not the best person and I am concerned that if I have a girl child he may take advantage of her. I don't even know if he will, but in my heart I am not comfortable. I want to tell my DH that either me or him has to always be there around my dad if my mom is not (basically never leave my dad and DD together). I hinted to him a couple of times but he is not taking it seriously. I also think it is high time I told about this childhood event to someone and get it off my heart... Should I go ahead and tell my DH and also tell him that this is why I want him to be extra careful with my father?
I think I will feel so much better taking it off my chest .... and I will know that my DH will protect my daughter and be the father to her that I never had.

Sabitha_K · Jul 10, 2010

Dear Looking4Advice,

A very difficult situation and lil disturbing that you had a traumatic childhood but the silver lining is that you had handled it quite well and have come of that guilt , oppression phase and leading a good life now.That is all that matters now !!

First , revealing to your DH about your crushes and friends is very different to revealing that your own father molested you.He might be slightly irritated ,disturbed and in extreme case withdrawn (not that he hates you now ) but it takes time to regurgitate on what happened and make peace with it.So I would advise you to go with let bygones be bygones.

You seem to be someone who has shown extraordinary courage in dealing with the situation.If the only reason you are telling your DH is because you want to protect your baby from your father but not because you want to unload the burdenous truth then I feel you are taking the wrong step.In a marital relationship it is good to share everything but at times if what you are sharing is going to bring disharmony which could have been averted by burying, ignoring or erasing few things, there is nothing wrong.After all you have other relationships within you , with your soul and as long as can contain few things in there , you do not have to think that your marriage is not perfect just because you have not SHARED EVERYTHING( I still find this notion puzzling at times -bare all or your marriage is not pure ).Often we tend to forget that you still have your individuality and some of your thoughts , actions and reflections go in that closed cabinet and not in the open drawer unlocked with the connubial key.

You might feel better the moment you speak to him but then your relationship would take a new dimension and you would start suspecting every slight abnormal ( which on any other day was normal ) behaviour of your DH , wondering IS THIS BECAUSE OF WHAT I SHARED.Either way you have to deal with it, by divulging or not.You are the best person to figure out which of it would work , you suppressing the truth ( with a restless conscience) or you divulging the truth (with a hyperactive mind reading in between everything now).

Second, a BIG ALL TIME NO for having your parents (dad) with you now.You might have emerged out of the messy childhood with a strong mettle but it does not take long for the old wounds to rankle again now.Apart from protecting your baby, fighting your own demons will be the biggest challenge and I reckon at this stage you want neither of them to happen.

You might be worried now what would happen if I do not have my parents around but believe me if you opt to not to have them , things will just fall in place.You are just eliminating one option and not the only option.Try to see if there are other ways of working out.

I wish you all the best and have a lovely week ahead ! Take care and though your post speaks of your problems am sure for lot of passive readers who have gone through painful childhood , it would send ray of hope that at some stage everyone has to take control of their live and not worry about what happened in the past.

Spiderman1 · Jul 10, 2010

Your Dad should NOT be allowed in your house for the pregnancy. Absolute No. A molester needs to be ostracized, not allowed in the house. He is not fit to be a dad, he is just a bloody scoundrel. Period.

jayanaresh · Jul 10, 2010

Hi

Feeling very sad>, but i really appreciate you for handling the matter with care and not making a issue or creating a scene.......

Men in middle age usually have a wavery mind - because their wives are busy in children education and mostly ladies loose the sex mood in middle age. Even when men approaches their wives,,,, they say "" Children are grown up, now keep quiet and sleep OR very tired after work OR children will wake up, so sleep"""" These are the usual dialogues of most of the wives in their middle age - because wives are approaching the Menopause or Very tired after looking after children education and cooking and cleaning..........................that also after office work.....

::::::::::::::::;Should I go ahead and tell my DH and also tell him that this is why I want him to be extra careful with my father?
I think I will feel so much better taking it off my chest::::::::::::::::::::::::

Well, For you above words - I advice to keep quiet because=
1. Your DH will loose the respect for his FIL.
2. This may backfire you in future like when there is any arguement between couple............
3. Your father must have GOT OVER or CROSSED OVER that stage..
4. Your DH will not allow your father to come and so your mother cannot come also. And your mother will be angry --------------For all wives husbands are great and they never ever give up their husbands before people even if it is own SIL.
5. Give a chance to your father and find out if he is changed or not.
6. If he is not changed then politely inform your mother and your mother can handle the things nicely and she will take him back to India without any doubts for your DH.

I hope i explained everything.
You really handled the situation nicely when you were a child, now too handle the situation more maturely without any scene creation.

You are grown up and mature darling and don't run to your DH and complain. Your family it is and NEVER GIVE UP AND make your family look bad before your DH.

You can do it without any trace of.......................

All the best and please DON'T TAKE ANY TENSION WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT......................
ALL THE BEST AND MY PRAYERS FOR YOUR CHILDBIRTH AND HAVE A SAFE DELIVERY..............
TAKE CARE
REGARDS
MRS.N

Prettywoman2010 · Jul 10, 2010

Hi,
I felt so bad that you were not safe in your own house with your own father. If i were in your place, i would not share this with my hubby because he will loose any respect he has for my father/family and also may use it against me in any future arguments.
Secondly i would advice you not to invite your father at your house during delivery, postpartum is a very stressful period for many women and you will be in a very vulnerable state emotinally and physically, personally during postpartum i was a totally different person, very weak emotinally and confused, this is the time when you should feel very secure and you dont need anyone who will remind you of bad things that happened to you, if your mom is not willing to come alone then make some other arrangements. Best Wishes.

deepagopalan · Jul 10, 2010

Dear,

i feel bad and sad,how come it is possible for dad to do like this,i can understand dear how much you would have faced ..,you are not at all safe in your parents home better stay away from him and dont call him for the pregancy time.be cool everything will go normal.

:cheers
deepu

Laks09 · Jul 10, 2010

I have a different point of view from the rest of the posters. I do feel your DH has every right to know. It is not going to be possible to keep your Dad away from your DD at ALL times life long. If I were in your situation I would tell my DH. What if something happens to me tomorrow? Won't my DD be in trouble if my DH has no clue about it? Another thing about "respecting" my Dad. Well my Dad has to EARN the respect and if he has done something like that then he deserves no respect and if my DH decides to let him stay away from my DD then I'll thank him for the decision. Once a pedophile, always a pedophile. I don't believe for a second that such people change. They keep looking for new victims over and over again. In other words, they seldom GET OVER or DON'T DO such acts again. Don't let your DD become his next victim. Keep him away from your child. Remember, you are the reason she is coming into the world and she is going to be totally dependent on you. You need to save her from ANYONE who threatens her in any way.

DrKadambari · Jul 10, 2010

Dear Huggs to you.

Yes you want to get this out of your heart.... but telling your DH you be sure that you cant even be visitng your parentS any time in your lifetime. You would not know the best Husband can turn out to be a horrific person when such thing is known that too when the culprit is such closely related. More than getting out of pain it MIGHT turn out reason for fights. Which becomes worst than the trauma you went thru.

One more point, you not having told these all these years might also be raised as issue by DH.

All these are the worst possible situations but very likely to be real.

As far as safeguarding your DD, your dad should not be visiting you. You would not have a peaceful time during your pregnancy and postpartum if your dad is around. HE SHOULD NOT BE COMING TO YOUR HOUSE, particulary at this time.

april1981 · Jul 10, 2010

Hi,,
I was disgusted to read that you had been molested in your own house and that too by your father. It is really brave on your part to behave normally with him.
I don't think you should reveal your past about your father to your DH. It might remind him about your abuse whenever he sees your father , also if your father comes to stay with you for 6 months then it might create a very uncomfortable situation. I think it is in the best interest of you and your baby that your father does not come at your place because you might always be in stress regarding your daughter whether he would behave in the same manner with her.

regjusttoreply · Jul 10, 2010

It is extremely disgusting a child molester being invited by the baby's own mother to live under one roof whoever it may me or what ever may be the reason. If I were you I would rather feel proud, happy, comfortable etc to die in my husband's hands. A mother's first duty is to protect her kids.

Sorry writing this with tears. Could not resist to reply.